Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby Chibi-Ouanda » Thu May 13, 2010 5:14 pm

Dear Bob,

It's been a long, looooong time.

I can't even remember how long.

Life has changed so much. I have changed so much. I'm not sure if for better or worse, but I was thinking about Pweb a lot a week or two ago and I decided I should probably stop by.

Anyways, a lot has happened. I found out I'm I have bipolar disorder type II, I got some treatment for my eating disorder. It worked kind of, but not really. But things are definately better. I met a man I knew from HTLOZ.net and VGRC.net in April 2009 in person and I moved from Alabama to Connecticut in July 2009 to be with him. We are still together, and got married in March 2010. We're moving back to Alabama at the end of August. But right now we are renting a room in Holyoke, MA.
We are very poor, have next to no money. But we are in love and we are happy to be together, trying to make it work.
So that's that.

I am more or less healthy. I don't have a real job, though I am trying to get one soon. I weened myself off my psych meds and have had trouble adjusting, and still have issues with it... those things need to be sorted out but it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Then again, I never know when I will have another episode and become a danger to myself and others. I just have to be careful, try to sleep as much as I can, and keep a routine so that I can keep myself in check. Bipolar disorder is a tricky, tricky business.

My husband is a server administrator, and does web development. http://www.zangaroa.com This is his site for his business.

I have a website that I use for blogging and art and poetry type stuff, it keeps me occupied. I need something to focus on or all my energy overwhelms me sometimes.

I haven't really kept up with many people from Pweb. Though I do have some of the people I knew from way back in the day friended on facebook or livejournal or whatnot.

Where I stand right now, we are waiting for the money to go to Alabama on a vacation of sorts to see my family.

It's weird how it's so natural to say "we" now that I'm married. It feels good. I finally feel complete. For once in my life.

That's about all I have to say. I guess I will stop writing now.
This was fun. I think I'll have a look around the forums and relive some memories. =)
-Tabitha
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"what to do? think & create & love people & give of self like mad. go outward in love..." (The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath)

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Postby Jebus » Thu May 13, 2010 7:01 pm

O_o

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Postby zeroguy » Thu May 13, 2010 9:45 pm

Holy hell!
got married in March 2010.
Holy hell! Actually, that one's a bit less surprising; I'm pretty sure I saw you were engaged or something awhile ago. But still, exclamation point! Mazel Tov!
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Postby locke » Fri May 14, 2010 3:24 am

Bob,

I am in a bad place right now. I had scary thoughts today. I had the worst day of my life I think. it will probably get worse. I can see a way out. I don't want to do anything about it though, not anything other people will find positive, at least. It's so tempting, so delicious, so clear, I'm starting to really want it.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Haven » Fri May 14, 2010 5:11 pm

Dear bob.

My brother is in jail. his gf is a wreck and its up to me to take care of her... im doing my best... and really im glad my brother is away because i never get this much time with her and were really bonding. but its rough.... i feel like i cant feel my own feelings on the subject because i cant break down when im the one holding her up...

rissa.

ps. thanks for listening bob.

pps... i miss my brother...
Find out who you are... And do it on purpose.

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Postby Jayelle » Fri May 14, 2010 10:28 pm

Bob,

For those keeping track, 10 PhD applications sent out, 9 rejection letters received. Paul has called the final university - Memorial in St. John's - and they still have not made a decision. If they decide yes and give us money, then we'll move to St John's (though God knows how we can afford it) and be far away from everyone and everything. This is fairly unlikely, but still possible.

Or we'll stay here, Paul will find work (hopefully) and he'll apply again next year.

Silver lining in all of this, however, is that he got all A+'s in his classes this semester and has been asked to publish one of his papers. Also, apparently this year was one of the toughest years in recent memory to get into MA/PhD programs. Apparently, people don't want to enter the job market during a depression plus universities are having funding cut - it's a perfect storm of crap to make those who would usually get scholarships simply get accepted and those who would usually get put on a wait list just get flat out No's.
We hope and pray it will be better next year.

JL
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Postby starlooker » Sat May 15, 2010 9:28 am

Thinking good thoughts for you guys. I remember the hell that was getting rejection letters from internship sites. Sounds like getting into a Ph.D. program is a similar process, these days. Crossing my fingers for you guys. (By the way, I know several people who were well-qualified and did not get internships the first time through who ended up getting their first choice the second time -- including one very prestigious placement at Duke. So, I'm really hoping that either Paul gets accepted and St. John's is just what he needs or next year finds him getting into a program and a city that's exactly right.)
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Rei » Sat May 15, 2010 8:05 pm

That's so tough... If he doesn't get it this year, I hope the year turns out to be super awesome anyway and that he gets into his choice school next round. We'll be praying for you guys!
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby thoughtreader » Sat May 15, 2010 11:03 pm

i feel broken and messed up in almost every way possible when it comes to the happy perfect marriage I'm supposed to have. I hate it.

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Postby megxers » Sun May 16, 2010 1:15 am

The one year mark has passed since things--like parting with my college fling (was it really a fling if it was spread out over a year and a half?), of finishing college, etc. This apparently means I've regressed into a moody teenager who starts to tear up while out reading in public. I think part of the reason I feel like I've lost when he chose her is now I can see a lot of my faults exposed, all the things I could have done differently so that it might have been me. And apparently this also means friends can be very critical of my conduct. Like that's going to make a difference now.
So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore

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Postby Rei » Mon May 17, 2010 1:46 pm

Dear Bob,

Why is it that the most menial, mindless jobs require the longest and most detailed applications? Applying to be a door greeter at Sears or any position at Home Depot all require vast amounts of finding exactly the perfect position for you! (as though you're applying to them to be a cashier or door greeter as per their posted opening is your life's ambition and goal) all requires such complicated forms. All I want is a job, Bob. I just want to get paid money so that I can afford to live somewhere not in my parents' basement because rent is too expensive. I feel pathetic and like employers are kicking me in the ribs by expecting me to dance and dance well in order to get the most menial and boring jobs they can conceive. Not that they'll call me, anyway.

I just want to know what the universe wants of me so that I can work and afford to live. I had great ambitions, and they're breaking down rapidly in the necessary desperation for work.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby locke » Mon May 17, 2010 3:10 pm

All I want is a job, Bob. I just want to get paid money so that I can afford to live somewhere not in my parents' basement because rent is too expensive.
write that on the application. they'll hire you in a flash.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Haven » Tue May 18, 2010 2:00 pm

Bob.

WHY the HELL does my ex boyfriend have to start texting me again, and telling me he wants to take me out right when i start likeing a new guy...

WHY??

the fact that he is really hott makes everything that much more confusing... i hate this....
Find out who you are... And do it on purpose.

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Postby Rei » Tue May 18, 2010 9:58 pm

Dear Bob,

Well, I've got a job. I am now a car wash attendant. It's far from glamorous, but it pays better than minimum wage. For now, it's work and that means I can begin paying down my debts and begin maybe actually saving some money.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Mich » Wed May 19, 2010 12:34 am

Dear Bob,

It looks like I'll probably be getting the very small-time web design job in Portland. It's apparently just mostly assisting a one-woman design firm who has been getting too big for her britches, meaning while it's small, it should get bigger as she (tentative "we") go along. It's kind of scary, to be sure, but I have an almost-definite paying gig that will pay me wherever I go until the end of June, so if hours aren't looking up, I'll at least have some savings stashed away while I get another job.

But man, moving to another city for reals and not for college. That's pretty intimidating.

On another note, my roommate of two years is slowly moving out of our apartment, and, while she has been the best roommate I've ever had, she's so getting on my nerves. Taking food that I would hesitate to call hers, not being able to tell me where she'll be sleeping, not watching movies here but instead at the new place even though it's normally an "us" thing. That kind of stuff. Plus, the usual hypocritical stuff, like acting huffy when I don't volunteer to help her clean things, when she never, ever, ever helps me clean anything. Ever.

Grrr. Such a bad note for me to end on, but she has definitely made a new record for the Length of Time Without Getting on My Nerves roommate award.

-Jeff
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Row--row.

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Postby locke » Wed May 19, 2010 1:38 am

Bob,

was going to go to the gym as soon as I got home. was going to go to the gym as soon as I shut my computer and said "I'm going to the gym." instead I literally laid about my apartment in various states feeling sorry for myself. at one point laying on the floor, thinking I need to evacuate my system of any vestiges of limerence to everyone I've known or things are going to go from bad to worse.

So I forced myself out and rode my bike to the gym. I pulled up to the bike rack quite a bit later (as I rode so slowly to the gym, letting my mind wander and be bitter) the thought floated through my brain that I had not seen a pair of gym shorts in my gym bag when I packed it before leaving. I opened it. Sure enough. no shorts.

Angry I rode back in probably half the time. Grabbed my shorts, got in my truck drove to the gym. But at least I did go. Only did two circuits, but for the first time in maybe a month I felt better after exercise. They were crappy circuits too. 26:10 and 32:22, two of my worst times ever. but then again, twas a black day to begin so. it is what it is.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Petra456 » Wed May 19, 2010 9:51 am

Dear Bob,

It looks like I'll probably be getting the very small-time web design job in Portland.
Woo, welcome to this side of the mountains! Portland is awesome, congratulations : )
Member since March 16th, 2004.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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Postby zeroguy » Wed May 19, 2010 10:06 pm

Grrr. Such a bad note for me to end on, but she has definitely made a new record for the Length of Time Without Getting on My Nerves roommate award.
Just curious; around how long is that?
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dgf hhw

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Postby Mich » Thu May 20, 2010 12:55 am

Just curious; around how long is that?
Probably a little over a year and a half.

And thanks, Fred! I should have a finalized answer by next week, so woooo!
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Postby ender1 » Thu May 20, 2010 9:21 am

Dear Bob,

It looks like I'll probably be getting the very small-time web design job in Portland.
Woo, welcome to this side of the mountains! Portland is awesome, congratulations : )
Awesome unless you need to drive downtown...

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Postby locke » Thu May 20, 2010 10:25 am

why would anyone want to drive in downtown portland?
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby locke » Fri May 21, 2010 11:26 am

Bob, my last day, yesterday my boss asked me to be sure to be here right at ten for a new person coming in today I'd have to help get set up. no problem I'm always here at nine. wake up at 710 with my alarm on my phone, turn it off. wake up at 8:15 and notice my alarm clock is blinking indicating the power went out last night. think how important it is I get up now. I don't move and fall back asleep (oh nyquil you are too good to me) wake up at 9:50, now I'm running late and I look like a jerk. get to work about 10:10. :(
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Eddie Pinz » Fri May 21, 2010 12:17 pm

So I got the official unofficial word that I will be getting laid off. Most likely sometime in September. f***.

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Postby Luet » Fri May 21, 2010 8:09 pm

Bob,

I have been working 30-40 hours/week for the Census. I am exhausted but it couldn't have come at a better time since it's kept me too busy to think much about the upcoming congregation merge. But it's coming up fast. I feel drained.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Mich » Fri May 21, 2010 8:17 pm

Heya Bob,

I drove to Portland and back today for my interview. It was in a really cool building, in a really cool, really tiny studio, and the person who would be hiring me is really cool and I really like her. But apparently she likes both of the people who have made it to this step in the process.

I'm really hoping I didn't go through the commute of hell in order to get turned down. I really want this job.

Jeff
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Row--row.

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Postby Jayelle » Fri May 21, 2010 8:23 pm

Ugh. *job vibes* to both Ed and Mich.

I hope you can get another job soon, Ed. That sucks so much.
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Postby locke » Fri May 21, 2010 11:55 pm

officially unemployed now. I don't have to be but I need a break from my job. I was supposed to be starting my new job. they offered, I accepted it, we worked out a start day, schedule, length of the gig etc. everything except the rate which is usually the last thing brought up (and I've worked with them before so they know my rate). then three days later they had to take away the my job to give it to a buddy of the client. At that point I'd already put in my two weeks notice, and that left me with a week left at my current gig. this was a gig that was winding down anyway, but could have stretched into early july, definitely through most of june, though with the threat of furlough days throughout june. I could have told them the job fell through, but mainly I was too embarassed to tell anyone and didn't want to seem like I was begging for a job. I really need some time off, I think, if only a week, the eagerness with which I am looking forward to next week completely belies the fact that I will be unemployed. it feels like a vacation. maybe it will help purge some of that nasty limerence from my system.

fwiw, I was offered another job this week that the above people referred to me to (the people who hired me then fired me before hiring me) but I didn't understand that he needed someone to start yesterday or today, which I could have worked out. I said I was available starting monday. and then he didn't get back until telling me they'd hired someone else. d'oh.

I don't htink I'm going to look for jobs until Monday.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby locke » Mon May 24, 2010 1:46 am

bob,

felt like myself today for the first time in months. I saw three movies at the theatre, one of them with friends. I weighed less today than I have since August (I love it when all I do on saturday is drink, eat bar food, drink play football, drink and play poker and lose three pounds from my saturday weight to my sunday weight). and just in general life did not have the black pall of despair hovering over me and my outlook and my view of the future. I can kinda see it somewhere far away.

I weirdly think that has to do with not having to go to work tomorrow. That job had no future whatsoever, it was working on soulless shows with no point or worth to them, casting it off feels like casting off a weighty carapace that had been keeping me well contained. I should be afraid but I'm not. Nor am I exhilarated, getting off on the crazyness of unemployment. Rather, I am magnanimous at the moment, que sera sera.

It feels good to be me again.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon May 24, 2010 9:43 am

It's a good thing you're just about the only person who has ever gotten this: "There you are, Peter."


I hope this lasts. *hugs*
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Jayelle » Mon May 24, 2010 10:14 am

It's a good thing you're just about the only person who has ever gotten this: "There you are, Peter."


I hope this lasts. *hugs*
I get it!
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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon May 24, 2010 10:55 am

:mrgreen:

I get so many blank stares on that one and when I say "Hook?", they continue to stare.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Jayelle » Mon May 24, 2010 3:09 pm

Hook is totally one of my favourites. Plus I just have a brain for quotes.
_______________________________________


Hey Bob,

When did my kid get so OLD?? We moved G out of her crib and into her big girl bed this week and she loves it. Plus we've started Potty Training, which seems to be going okay. It's so crazy, she's suddenly saying all these words and we can carry on conversations with her, and she's just... a big kid. I can't wait for her to see her grandparents and all of my in-laws next week - they're all going to be so shocked at how big she is!

Man, the time, it goes by.

JL
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Postby Petra456 » Mon May 24, 2010 8:11 pm

Bob,

I am seriously sick of the rain. I want sun and warm weather. Bleh, it's too cold : (

Ps. Hook is one of my favorite movies : )
Member since March 16th, 2004.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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Postby jotabe » Tue May 25, 2010 4:02 am

From which part of the movie is that quote? I saw it dubbed to Spanish, so i don't get it :o
Image

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Postby Gravity Defier » Tue May 25, 2010 2:53 pm

There you are, Peter.

:)


----------------------------------

Bob,

I'd like to use a lifeline; Phone a Friend, please. Now if you'd be so kind as to tell me who to expect on the other end, that would be great.

It's depressing, flipping through my contacts and feeling like I'd be bothering any person on that list and it's more depressing that I obviously don't believe them on some level when they say it's okay.

Furthermore, it's upsetting that people aren't mindreaders yet, as I'm getting frustrating and causing frustration when people fail to understand precisely what I mean and want.

I am confused on so many levels, about so many things, it is safe to say I know nothing. Except that I am tired of typing my thoughts out and would much prefer to speak them; if it weren't for work and my mom, I'd never use my voice.

But just look at that contact list.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.


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