Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby Gravity Defier » Sat Sep 12, 2009 8:47 pm

Bob,

If you couldn't tell, I've been getting more and more moody. Angry, sad, all the bad stuff. So much of it is rooted in a deep frustration that I'm not living my life the way I want it and if I'm being honest with myself, I'm not really even living it at all. Work, home, exercise, sleep, lather, rinse, repeat. I can blame it on Brat but I'm not his responsibility; I'm my own responsibility. I need to look to me for my happy.

I've said a million times that I just don't feel safe or am restricted from so much here, just because of how small it is and how easy it is to run into former...everyones. Former friends, former coworkers, former students. I am SO sick of reining myself in and the inevitable cabin fever that results from it.

I have been going to bed earlier and earlier, sleeping in later and later, getting pissier and pissier with everyone.

I tried the mopey bullshit these past few days (I mean more than usual) and I discovered, I cannot be Tom, as he is, when I know I still have ways to cope. If I have the means to do so, I cannot walk around in my bathrobe, angry at the world.

Instead, I can be equally stupid, reckless, and impulsive.

I asked for a day off in October, got permission, and then, without thinking or planning - I do so much planning- bought a ticket to Chicago for the weekend.

Bob, whims are expensive. Luckily for me, I didn't remember, in all my planning, that November existed and thus forgot to count those two paychecks. So my plan from before can continue, practically unaltered, the car still gets paid off, my dentist stuff is still covered...it's as though my subconscious did this on purpose, months ago.

Folks, as Goat and I would say, I'll be in VH1's best state ever - I'm going to Chicago again!!!!

Poor Josh, I told him not to expect me to plan anything right now and that he may not see me. I'm trying to do no more planning than the bare minimum for at least a week. No thinking about this as anything more than a reward for at least that long. I, err, just hope I plan at least enough to not end up sleeping in the train station; I've seen Adventures in Babysitting.


My mom knows, she doesn't understand why I didn't think it through but she's supporting the decision all the same. My coworker is jealous and wants me to bring her back a pizza.

As if to show me approval over my decision, the universe provided me with the best weather possible: sunshine and rain, at the exact same time.

To further show approval, I was showered with love from three adorable puppies, who played with my hair (OH GOD, almost as good as getting my hair washed/brushed), and was also surprised with little, school milk cartons (with the milk in them, of course), courtesy some idiot/genius at B&N who couldn't find them last night to give to customers during a program they held.

So, my sincerest apologies to Adam, who got to hear me mope before I got to work, whom I woke up for that privilege.

Today has turned into an excellent one. I have something to look forward to and I hope that once I get back -which happens to be very close to my last car payment ever- I'll be happy from seeing my savings account grow, thus making my return even more of a reality.

(Oh, thanks to Jason too...poor guy got it bad from me yesterday. Mopey Alea sucks.)
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Fri Sep 18, 2009 12:12 pm

Dear Bob,

Things have been tough. (And no, not the marriage. That part is still awesome.) The job thing, though, and being around lots of people who are successfully being students. I feel a bit left out. And being so tight with money, especially when I don't have work to fill up my days, that's tough too.

But I have some good friends who remind me this isn't the end of the world, and I can still study and write and learn, and that I WILL get a job. That part is good.

And maybe I'll get a haircut. I've been going back and forth on this for months, but I'm starting to get annoyed with how it weighs me down. So we'll see.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Luet » Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:50 pm

bob,

I'm in a very bad mood today because a bad dream last night has left me in a state of malaise. An old workmate/friend who I haven't seen in years, but who I care about and completely trust, came up to me in a store and sexually assaulted me (in the dream). I was screaming for him to stop and people were running to help and then I woke up. I think I woke myself up because I was actually making some kind of strangled yelping noise in my sleep. I immediately started sobbing. I've never before had a dream make me cry like that. It was really bad.

Oh, and I knew my brothers wouldn't like my hair because they never like when I cut it short...but today one of them said "You might as well have shaved it, it would have looked better." Gee, thanks.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Gravity Defier » Sun Sep 20, 2009 5:14 pm

*hugs* Dreams can suck.

As for your hair, I'm sure it looks wonderful. Don't pay a bit of attention to your brothers.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Luet » Sun Sep 20, 2009 7:32 pm

*hugs* Thanks. I'll try to get up the guts to post a pic when I get the new glasses...just for you. :D
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Brian » Tue Sep 22, 2009 7:12 pm

Dear Bob,

I love her and that will never change but, she won't spend any time with me, i've seen her mabey 6 time and we have been going out for like a month and a half now. When i say 'see' i'm not talking dates.

She also canceled all of our dates because she was "doing something else" word for word thats what i get when i call her :( and its not like they were bad dates eather, (ie. one of our dates was to go to the beach and watch the sunset then full moon afterwards) it was my idea. Call me gay but i would love to spend the evening with my significant other on the beach with a blanket as the sun sets and just massage her shoulders/back/neck/head/whereeverelse until the full moon comes out and then just lay there and look up at the sky holding her. :roll: one day...

From the time she canceled that date i have planned others (not as romantic but *shrugs* whatever) to no prevail. On top of that we have been growing apart ever since above mentioned canceled date and its been tearing me apart.

I have some to the conclusion that i will just let us keep drifting away from eachother and i will find someone else to fill the void left behind.
Wrong choice?
Help Bob.

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Postby Gravity Defier » Tue Sep 22, 2009 8:50 pm

I should probably stop soon. I may regret it after I've had some sleep.
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby megxers » Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:47 pm

Dear Diary,

Today at work, children stood on my back, I spun until I nearly threw up & had to lie on the grass for a good 5 minutes, and I got hit in the eye with a ping pong ball. Hazards.

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Postby Olhado_ » Tue Sep 22, 2009 9:48 pm

Bob,

So, I know the adnomility of the Internet may make this hard; but I am a pretty straight-lace person. I tend to keep myself healthy and clean. This is why it is funny (and scary) the the State of Florida actually thinks I am a druggie since my test are "watered" down; but clean.

I like water it is cheap, healthy, and being a runner in Florida you need to drink lots of it after a long run, which I do regularly. I mean I drink a lot of water, usually about a half a liter an hour and sometimes a whole one. I guess I am a "nervious" drinker and choose water over coffee (hate taste) and soda (love; but do not want to live off them).

I am also finding out that I really love running too. It is not just a means to an end for me. I really love just being out on the street, trail, race and letting my mind wander and my feet move. I don't want the state to take that away from me because they think I might be hiding a drug problem.

Do you want to know why I would never do drugs? I love my career. I love my job, both of which I will lose if I develop a drug problem.

It is kind of funny that after all I have been through these past few years am I really having trouble with water? :D

Anyways, I am sure this is a disjointed post; but it is late and I have to get up way to early the next few days. I am sure someone will get it; but if not then it was great just putting it into words. :)

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Postby zeroguy » Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:00 pm

So, I know the adnomility of the Internet may make this hard; but I am a pretty straight-lace person. I tend to keep myself healthy and clean. This is why it is funny (and scary) the the State of Florida actually thinks I am a druggie since my test are "watered" down; but clean.
When I took one of these I was told not to drink water for the preceding... 12 hours? Or something like that. I thought it was ridiculous, but no more so than the existence of the process itself, so I just went with it.
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Postby locke » Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:08 am

bob

today I put on a video engineering hat and drew five wiring schematics for turning our unity room into a control room. I was unhappy with the two in sharpy so I built some in image ready I was unhappy with version four in that so I built a version five that fixed things. then I started a write up explaining/breaking down requirements/parts as broadly as I could without having made any measurements. I realized some of the diagram is wrong and or I've got the right stuff but can't really remember or know how it's supposed to integrate in the system. I was seriously thinking of breaking down the wiring diagram into several separate diagrams for each patch panel and for the router. I'm thinking a vertical diagram for the separate drawings would be better than the horizontal layout. probably the most interesting day I've had at work in five months.

Then I went to Hollywood and got to hear Walter Murch talk about the theory of editing for three hours and got to ask him a question. and that got me all fired up interested in editing, writing and directing again. oy.

but a good day overall.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Aesculapius » Thu Sep 24, 2009 1:30 pm

Dear...uh...Bob,

Today I helped out the committee with designing posters and helped to organize the event for tomorrow evening. What a day! It's as if the workload doesn't get any smaller. I also went to the University presentation and just realized that I need to win the lottery as soon as possible. How in the world can I pay for the tuition without winning the lottery?! This sucks. And to top it off, my plans for the weekend just got ruined, too. Tickets are sold out and I really wanted to go!

I'm gonna have to work my butt off this year to bump up my average, if only some few per cent. No time for reading ;__; or art ;__; or writing ;__;

That about sums it up...until next time! Dun dun dun...
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Postby buckshot » Fri Sep 25, 2009 1:16 pm

Dear Bob" How to start! I was in a lot of pain during the night and did my share of pacing. I woke on the floor at first light and got up quite painlessly with no walking stick. I remembered i had to go to my Dr's office to pick up a written prescription and I was getting excited as I drove myself there feeling better every minute! The gals at the office were shocked to see me walk in straight and tall carrying my stick, and they fetched my Doc. to see me. It's now 12 noon and I just dont know what to think or how long it may last ! I feel so strong and full of piss!!!! :P :!: :mrgreen: :!:
Buck up buttercup

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Postby Luet » Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:45 pm

bob,

I had to see him today and will tomorrow too. I want so badly for them to move so I never, ever have to see them. A couple times a year is far too often. I am really trying the whole forgiveness thing and I truly have no strong feelings of anger or anything like that anymore. But when I come within 20 feet of him, I start to shake and feel sick to my stomach. I can and do speak to her as normally as possible but I don't think I will ever be able to do that with him. I think this is as good as it's going to get and it's really not great. A different continent would be so wonderful.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Jeesh_girl15 » Sun Sep 27, 2009 1:33 pm

Dear Bob...

Busy lately... Weekdays are filled to the brim with soccer, volleyball, piano, and my sibs stuff... The weekend has come... I have homework which I am putting off... My sister is having a meeting with her friends right now about entrepeneurial stuff... I can't play my wii...I'm bored... The library is closed... Yaawn...

...me...
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Life is good!

Postby buckshot » Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:39 am

Bob, I still feel great! don't know why don't care! It' hard to imagine what all the back operations and everything else cost over the years, I just hope to God it lasts! 8)

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Postby starlooker » Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:14 pm

Dear Bob,

In an effort to make compromises to my impending married life, I have decided to become a watcher of Sunday football. Furthermore, my intended is a Raiders fan, and I have told him that I am willing that we should raise our children as Raiders fans (provided that they are also brought up to be good Yankees/Twins fans).

However, then I watched yesterday's game. This is the second Sunday in a row we have gotten to watch the Raiders play.

Um. Even as someone who is not a fan of football, I can tell that those games were really freaking awful. These people cannot throw, they cannot catch, and they cannot make a good play without some idiot getting a penalty.

Ah, well. On the bright side a) I am finding some of the football stuff to be interesting and b) a man who can be loyal to a team like that for multiple decades can surely also be faithful and loyal to me.
Last edited by starlooker on Mon Sep 28, 2009 5:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Eddie Pinz » Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:34 pm

b) a man who can be loyal to a team like that for multiple decades can surely also be faithful and loyal to me.
I am definitely using this argument if I ever get accused. It just too solid of a position.

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Postby Luet » Mon Sep 28, 2009 3:46 pm

I think I'm going to need some anti-anxiety meds for the first time in a long time. I want to stop caring about what other people do. I feel like I need to withdraw even more into my bubble. People suck. They betray you and hurt you. Lizards don't do that.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Sep 28, 2009 8:45 pm

Bob,

The pills make me sleepy all day long. But the pain is way down, almost gone even.

[blah blah blah]

How about those pills? Mmm, sleep. Why can't I sleep my way through life?
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby daPyr0x » Mon Sep 28, 2009 10:20 pm

Bob,

I'm making a mistake. I'm making myself stick out like a sore thumb at work. I'm tired of all the work in my life. I'm tired of being on the phone by 7am, on site for 9-12 hours a day, and still receiving phone calls after 9. No, not just receiving phone calls, but getting in trouble for not answering or responding to them. It doesn't even end on weekends, apparently. A couple weeks ago I got in trouble for not following up on a Saturday when 2 sites in my area were running. They both texted me to tell me they were okay, but because I didn't really pay any attention to em until Monday, that was unacceptable. Not long ago, a new job came up after hours and an email was required to be sent. I didn't get to it till morning. That was unacceptable, instead, I'm told, I should have let my boss know I couldn't take care of it and he would. So, this weekend, 2 sites in my area were running. I spoke to one, but not the other; and as my phone was about dead I asked my boss to follow up. That was unacceptable. It continued to be unacceptable that I wasn't available most of the day when a new job came up mid way through Saturday, and that I wasn't accessible by phone when that happened.

Finally I cracked a little. I told my boss off, told him what I choose to do with my time is up to me and I don't need to come to him for permission to live my own life on my weekends. He didn't appreciate that too much; said my tone was disrespectful. It was, no question about it, but it served my purpose.

I know I shouldn't be fucking with things right now. I know I should just bend over and take it a little while longer, keep the money coming in. But I can't. I need my time for me, because I'm not keeping sane very well. I only work a 4 day work week, yet last week I still had 45 hours. 45 FREAKING HOURS. That's not unusual. I mean, having it that low is, but that's only because I recently got down to the 4 day thing.

I bust my ass for these people, and it's getting me nowhere fast. I'm sick of being promised things will get better when they don't, and I'm sick of getting paid the same as I did when I was in Ohio doing less work.

Let's see how the rest of this week plays out, because things will all come to a head by the end of it, rest assured.
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Postby Syphon the Sun » Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:04 pm

a man who can be loyal to a team like that for multiple decades can surely also be faithful and loyal to me.
I guess Cubs fans have something going for them after all.
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Postby elfprince13 » Tue Sep 29, 2009 9:40 pm

Dear Bob,
I just completed 11 pages of calculus homework (as in....that's how many pages it will take up when printed from Maple). The last 5 problems alone took 3.5 hours. Meh.
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Postby daPyr0x » Fri Oct 02, 2009 12:31 pm

Bob,

Saturday, October 3rd marks the reset day on my life. As of that date, my entire life begins anew. Fresh slate.

I lost my job today. Not from layoffs, I didn't get fired, I was just... terminated. I've been working way, way too much, and I eventually made enough noise (and got frustrated enough) that the VP ended up coming to me and saying "I'd rather give you a package and let you go than see you quit."

I recently started going to school part time. I'm 3 weeks in. I move to a new city on Saturday, one where I know nobody whatsoever. I've got my brother (who's moving in with me), and that's it.

REBOOT!
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Fri Oct 02, 2009 3:24 pm

Good luck to you, Cam!
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Postby Gravity Defier » Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:28 pm

Bob,

That felt terrible.
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Postby zeroguy » Sun Oct 04, 2009 8:37 pm

Dear Bob,

Conflicted. I know not what to do. I know not what to do. I know not what to do.

-me
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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:50 am

Lost the post.

Oops?
Last edited by Gravity Defier on Sat Oct 10, 2009 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby daPyr0x » Mon Oct 05, 2009 7:45 pm

Bob,

It can't really be this easy, can it? First time I do any searching whatsoever for work and boom there's a posting for me. I mean, it may not be the most interesting sounding position, but it's the same title I had before, they expect less experience than I have, it's base salary plus commission, and base salary is almost what I was making before... I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything; but there's no way it can be that easy...should I have done this a long time ago?

Let's see where it goes...
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
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Postby Eddie Pinz » Tue Oct 06, 2009 6:08 am

Cam,

It's not that easy. But sometimes you get lucky. And it is awesome when you get lucky, so enjoy it!

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Postby starlooker » Tue Oct 06, 2009 9:48 am

Dear Bob,

Lots of stuff that I can't really write in here. Lots of it. What it boils down to is:

I feel like I am inadequate and suck horribly and should never have been trusted to do anything involving people.

Okay. Moving on.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:10 am

Dear Bob,

I have one of those headaches where it hurts so much I've had to stop and rest a couple times while getting ready for class... I'm dizzy, it hurts so much.



And, I'm about to head out to my car and drive to school. This seems like a bad plan but I can't afford to miss school. Especially today.


Uuuuuugh.
-Kim

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Postby steph » Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:08 am

Hey Bob. It's Brayden's birthday today! My baby is 2, and not so much a baby at all (except when he crawls up in your lap and lays down and says "I'm baby!"). Brayden is one awesome kid. He likes to sing and he like to go to the zoo and tell you everything the animals are doing. "He's walking, mom! He's swimming, dad!" etc. He loves his big brother so much. They play and wrestle and have such a good time. They are even sharing a bed right now since he was climbing out of his crib and into bed with Tyler just about every night. We finally just took the crib down and just let them sleep together. He's so sweet, sympathetic and polite. He says "Thank you, mom" after I change his diaper. He's adorable beyond belief. (See portrait thread for most recent photos.) I feel so blessed to have him as my son, and I hope he'll be proud that I was his mom. Happy Birthday, Brayden! I love you!
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Jayelle » Thu Oct 08, 2009 11:36 am

Happy Birthday to Brayden! I can't believe he's two. Time flies.

How's the pregnancy going? Did you guys find out the gender? Are you telling people?
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Postby steph » Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:42 pm

Pregnancy is going well right now, luckily. It was pretty miserable when I couldn't hardly get off the couch to puke AND Brian was in DC. Now, Brian's home and doing the dishes and I'm not throwing up anymore! Yay! I'll be 18 weeks this weekend and our u/s date is Oct. 28. We plan on finding out the gender, as long as baby cooperates.
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum


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