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Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 3:53 pm
Do you have any advice? I'm pretty confident in the communication skills in my relationship, and David and I are doing our best to talk through everything and try to make this as smooth as possible, but any tips from your success story would be lovely!
Posted: Sat Jul 25, 2009 8:36 pm
I feel myself slowly sliding back into a depression. Not a deep, dark one...but a quiet, self-isolating one. I think it is due to a combination of a lot of factors. The one lingering issue from the old stuff that I don't have the courage and/or capability to get past. Knowing that my brother is in such intense pain constantly and being unable to help. Having lost all desire for friendship but still feeling jealous of the friendships of others. Overall...feeling like I lost the core of who I was three years ago and realizing I still don't know that if what remains is of any use.
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 3:39 am
I find myself giggling to myself for no good reason. Not because I just remembered some hilarious incident with my friends, and not those hysterical giggles of "what the hell am I doing", but giggling because I enjoy being reminded of the summer I've had. When I hum a certain song, or even look at pictures, I find myself smiling, my mood lifted.
It's not that I'm unfamiliar with happiness, or with good memories. I know the place where I can be happy, but until now I thought it was pretty much the only one. It's the place where everything makes sense, and things are so simple.
The summer I've had was by no means simple, and made sense only if your definition of sense is quite strange indeed. It was a world unto itself, it was bizarre and intense and wonderful. It made me dizzy sometimes, I'd said so even then. It demonstrated duality in such a way, and I thought I was only able to stand one part because the other part was there. I believed my approach to the complex side was possible only due to the more standard side. Well, maybe that's true, but it turns out that it wasn't a matter of surviving it. I was actually enjoying it.
I know that the good feeling lingers only because it's still summer, and who knows what can happen when school resumes. But I'm optimistic this time. Optimism- another thing I don't experience much lately. It's a refreshing change. It's nice to finally be able to not flinch every time I think ahead.
I had so much fun. It was, in retrospect, exactly what I needed. Sure, I was wholly unprepared for the way it turned out, and it startled me quite a bit, but it ended up being the best thing ever. It's a shame it's over, but all good things come to an end.
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 9:52 am
The move is for the foreseeable future and we're thinking of it in semi-permanent terms. We're looking to move to one of the twin cities (Minneapolis over St. Paul if possible) but for the first month or so while we transition we'll be staying in either St. Croix, Wisconsin or North Branch, Minnesota with family.
Hooray for more Pwebbers in/near Minnesota! Best of luck to you, Kelly.
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:20 pm
Bob, just a quick note as I have pretty limited internet time in the coffeehouse today. :-p
Last night me and my friends went to the Indiana Jones marathon at the Aero. Raiders was awesome, though I barely got there in time as I was running an errand to Burbank (to a rare video store) and picking up sandwiches/lunch for me and my friends. Then Temple of Doom was excellent as usual, coming down from the bathroom before Last Crusade started there was a girl walking in front of me, she had on a dark green shirt and jeans, a pony tail, blonde hair. I wasn't looking at her assets or anything, but the thought just flew into my head, "hmm she is very beautiful." Which was odd because I hadn't really checked her out, it was just a vibe off her presence. I stopped to get a sip of water from the waterfountain then continued to my seat, once again she was walking in front of me. and then she stopped half a step in front of my row and I bumped into her as I stepped into my row, we turned to each other said, 'sorry' and that was it. and I saw her head down to the front section to sit with her girlfriends, though I only really saw her profile, I again thought she was rather beautiful. Then I forgot about it til the movie was over and after the ride into the sunset part of the credits faded away she and her friends got up to leave. as they past I knew I HAD to get up and catch up her and say something, talk to her, get her number, whatever. And I stirred and started to get up, glanced at my friend beside me, remembered how she had scolded me the last time I started before the credits were over (which I don't usually do, unless I really have to go) and settled back down, telling myself, "ah it was a crazy thought anyway." The entire drive home I repeatedly kicked myself for not doing something, I concocted dozens of scenarios in my head of how it should have gone. Now I'm tempted to go back to this theatre again and again just in the hopes of running into her again. Oy, Bob, maybe some day I will learn to not be so ridiculously shy and cowardly and actually assert myself... maybe someday I'll actually learn to talk to women, but I just seem to fail, again and again, every time.
Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 8:49 pm
I'm watching "The Mirror Has Two Faces" and in it, Jeff Bridges' character is so lonely, he calls a 900 number equivalent just to talk (not dirty, btw). That's going to be me; I'm going to call telemarketers or something similar, just so I'll feel like someone wants to be around me. I miss being important to someone who was also important to me.
I have resented him for years for saying it but he was right when he told me I'm just not worth it. I'm really, truly not.
Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:13 pm
Bob, I just bought veggies from a CSA! yay me.
I want to buy a bicycle this weekend
which makes me think of the queen song
I want to buy a bicycle I want to buy a bike
I want to buy a bicycle I want to ride it where I like.
and thinking of that song makes me want to listen to Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds
Which makes me think of Peanuts and Far Side.
Which reminds me that Gary Larson is the awesome.
Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 11:45 am
I have been gone for two weeks and haven't been able to check here. So, what's up?
Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2009 6:57 pm
Scooter, out beagle/german shepherd mix (yes.) that we got when I was 13 had to be put to sleep today. He couldn't walk and his kidneys and liver were failing. 15 years old, nearly 16.
I knew it was coming when Dad told me Sunday that he wasn't doing well. I knew it, sort of, but was in a fun state of denial.
So, I went to go get my cell phone which started ringing while I was doing a facebook survey, expecting it to be a friend of mine, and as soon as I saw it was my parents I knew.
Damnit. I was SO. HAPPY. I was so very happy today.
There's some kind of existential/philosophical moral in this, I suppose. About the fleetingness of everything and mortality and stuff.
However, it's hard seeing it as more than cruelty right now.
In reality, just one of those coincidences. He was old. I'm glad it was today and not yesterday, my brother's birthday.
I think my Dad was crying when he hung up.
Insert something about beginnings and endings and the circle of life and the symbolic death-knell to my incredibly prolonged adolescence here.
Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:32 am
Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 6:55 am
It started out with me being a good friend for someone who was upset and needed me. And it ended up...well, it ended up where it also ends up.
Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 8:09 pm
Bob, I'm not sure that I can make it. I've been a "single mom" for a week and a half now, and I'm not convinced I can make it through the next week. My kids find new ways to push my buttons every day. It's so hard to take care of two precious little ones when I'm struggling so hard just to be alive myself. Next week, I'm leaving the kids with Uncle Kevin and going to DC myself. I love my kids, but I'm very much looking forward to being without them for a week. I can sleep in. I can shower every day. My clothes will stay clean for longer than a half an hour. I am counting down the days until I leave and feeling guilty about it at the same time. I know that I'm not getting the boys the attention that they need, and then I'm going to leave them when they've already been without their Dad for 2 1/2 weeks. This all makes me very grateful for what a wonderful husband I have. I can't wait to have him home again. I miss him terribly. Aug 22nd can't come soon enough!
Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:42 pm
There's always a quiet hour or two, maybe not all at once but over the course of the day it adds up. Quiet time leads to me retreating into my own head and I assure you, that's a space best left unoccupied. I try to help more in Circ but it seems there's never quite enough to stop me from thinking. I talk to my coworkers and they're mostly lovely people but they're all in a different period in their life than I am; they're all eying retirement.
I still hate this town, GOD, do I hate it. I haven't spoken with my father since June 20th -a text message at that. I ignore my friend...my sole friend to survive everything because her life and mine, not compatible. I don't want to sit around eating junk food and watching hours of TV. I'm a s*** person for that and I deserve every feeling of loneliness I get.
The last of my nieces was delivered to Phoenix this past weekend, after I got off work. I haven't seen my oldest brother since. I enjoy the quiet sometimes but there again, it lends itself to thinking and I'm soo tired of thinking. And feeling. Mostly feeling. Why can't I go through life without feeling half the things I do? Jesus, Alea...remember that one year you actually liked yourself? That was a good year and then you went and screwed that up. I think I'm scared of happiness, don't trust it, what's it ever done for me but up and leave me when I finally get comfortable with it?
If I heard correctly, one of my exercise instructors is moving up to Flagstaff in the next week. I hate change. I hate seasons/chapters in life ending, even if it turns out the next one isn't so bad. There's always that uncertainty, that fear it might not be as good as you hoped. Or need. I almost cried over a Katy Perry song, because it reminded me of late December. That season ended. A day or two after the day I'm recalling.
The question I ask myself all the time, "If I could go back to the way things were when I was at my happiest, having gone through everything this past year, would I go back?" I think I couldn't. I wanted to, so badly, even up until a few months ago. But you can't ever go back and that's a lesson I don't seem to understand. Going forward, well, besides the fact that there's kinda nowhere else to go, it scares me.
Yes, yes, I am definitely that pathetic sort who thinks jobs and challenges and life are there to be filler to a more fulfilling life alongside someone. I am not worried about not being married or not having kids; the kids went from "Absolutely" to "Possibly" and I don't see it changing back anytime soon. The marriage? Pfft. Let me worry about having one healthy, happy relationship first. THAT is what I doubt I'll ever get, even if I tell myself I'm worth it, I'm not too shabby, I have something to offer. Let me just find one person, that I am interested in, to unabashedly declare how worth it I am.
That I may not find that, that is what scares me about moving forward. But alas, I have a plan (I know how well those work out) and a goal, and to hell with happiness in the meantime. I'm aiming for an uncertain happiness in the future.
PS I love Meet the Robinsons and cried over the ending, even though I've seen the movie before.
Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 1:04 am
He's driving me crazy and as I should be caring about him more, I am falling out of this love-thing with him for the first time in a long time, his bad sides are really showing. My mother is annoying me too. My brother seems totally uninterested by his own health problems and who knows what is really going on his head. I just cannot stand how everyone is both a. shutting me out b. being awkward/mad at me, and its like, how can I help you if you don't talk to me? I also feel bad that I'm leaving but that doesn't mean that I'm gone, you know? And if I tell my mother about his problems it will be like too much at the moment, but why does that mean I have to get stuck with it all?
Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 3:09 am
Fifteen hours later I'm finishing the fight alone. We've watched nine Disney movies, skipping over the ones no one was really interested in, took two breaks, and finally had one last one to watch: The Lion King. We were down to two other watchers besides myself by then, and they both have left. It is down to me. I must finish it. This is the best movie in there, everyone else agreed, but they didn't stay. It has to be done.
In a little under an hour and a half, I shall be finished with the Disney Marathon.
But maybe I should just wait until tomorrow.
Son of a... typing this made me have second thoughts. Is the point of a movie marathon doing it, or doing it with friends?
Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 10:05 am
I'm sitting here, at my desk in the office, weeping. And I can't stop.
I just read an email from a childhood friend of mine, one of those friends, those girlhood friends, who truly, truly changed my life. She was one of my first real loves, my first hard girl crush, one of the first people in my life I was ever intoxicated by and wanted to spend all of my time with, one of the first people, ever, who crawled into my heart and scratched out a living there.
She is married now, and four months pregnant with twins. She lives in Worcester in a little house that she hates in a cul-de-sac she hates even more. But she loves her husband and is so awed and overwhelmed by the life growing inside of her and how everything has now taken on a whole new veil of meaning and importance that she's struggling so hard to convey to those of us who haven't yet been pregnant or may never be.
And I am in New York City and I'm getting ready to move to the middle of the country with my love and start a life there unlike any of the lives I've lived thus far in my 27 years.
And she's so so happy for me but so so sad for her because she always thought someday we'd live in the same neighborhood and our children would play together and somehow I always thought so too, and while it doesn't change the fact that I know my decision to move is right, it's perfect, it's what I want and what I need, but it doesn't change the fact that right now I am just so unbearably sad.
Because all I can remember is how small and lovely and dangerous and reckless and funny she was when we were kids. All I can remember is walking downtown to buy lipgloss and diet cokes at CVS and walking back with the sun beating down on our bare calves, heating our long, shiny hair, and going back to her bat-infested attic bedroom and listening to cds while sitting on the floor and cutting up magazine pictures to make collages.
And more, more, so much more.
And even though I know that this is the choice that I want to make, and I'm at peace with it, and so so happy and hopeful for my future, I'm really, really, REALLY going to miss being close(ish) to my family and friends.
And the way she wrote about her pregnancy, and how it has completely changed the way that she thinks and the way that she views the world, not just hormonally but in a spiritual way, was just so breath-taking and added so much fuel to my baby-fever, which I've been battling back for the last two years.
One thing at a time, Kelly! Moving. Marriage. THEN baby. And you'll be EXTREMELY lucky if it happens before you turn 30.
Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 10:50 am
Adopted or biological, I do not want children. Not ever.
And I feel that somehow makes me defective as a woman.
Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:09 pm
Hi. School doesn't start till the 1st, and I'm already ansy. So wish me luck.
Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 1:17 pm
When I came back from vacation, my dogs were fat. We had come from my aunts house, and they have a puppy thats the same breed, and he was a beautiful, well taken care of, healthy, fit puppy. My poor doggies are nothing on him. But my dad has sort of been taking them on walks lately. I hope that helps.
And my fish. When I came back, he was fine, but I don't know... he doesn't look so good anymore. He has lived a long time for a fish, over a year. But I think he is getting old. Poor Gill doesn't swim around much. All he does now is lie there looking up. I'm worried for him.... I don't want to get another fish... It wouldn't be the same.
-Me, a worried animal owner/lover
Posted: Mon Aug 10, 2009 6:08 pm
I have said this before; but it is always nice to hear it from someone else, which I just did. I feel great.
I know there are still things out of my control and things that I am worried about; but for the past few weeks (if not months) I have been feeling like I can manage anything. I know I have done some stupid things in the past; but these things have not "ended" my life.
Yet that is not the only thing I have been finding my social life improving a lot more, sure I still say those "stupid" things; but I am finding I am not "beating" myself up about them all the time. I am finally starting to feel comfortable with people.
Finally, about my job sure I am worried that I may lose it within the next year; but even if that does happen. I now do not feel like my life will come to an end. I will get through it. It might be diffiicult; but I will still get through it.
Anyways, Bob I am sure I will still be confiding in you about other things, both small and large; but for now I feel good about life.
Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 10:02 pm
When I got to work this morning, I had a brief moment of worry that started something like this: Time Traveler's Wife comes out this weekend and I promised I'd take my mom to see that -> Why am I spending money all of a sudden when I was doing well for 1.5 months? -> Is it really okay for me to touch my reserve; will I be able to pay for my cell after November if I intend to save most of my paycheck? -> Where in the hell is my "plan"? Oh yeah, at home on my headboard. -> I better do the math again. -> *does math* -> *Feels better*
What is it about doing simple math that makes me feel like I'm doing just fine?
One day at a time, keep moving forward, Goal & Plan are all that matter. Now repeat.
Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 8:29 pm
David is in Minnesota now (he bought the tickets long before we decided to move) and will be there until Sunday. It's my first night sleeping alone since we decided to move to the middle of the country together and I am NOT handling it well.
I had a rough day at work and a difficult, slightly awkward evening out with a friend and I'm going to Boston this weekend to visit while David's out of town and I just feel.... exhausted. And somehow very very sad. And I miss him so much that it seems a bit stupid, seeing as how I just saw him this morning. But I can't help it. I wish he were here.
I need a hug.
Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 9:10 pm
I always sleep better sharing a bed and have a grumpy first night alone after a weekend. I think it'll be harder after a week and a half... I can't imagine after such a long time.
Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 11:11 pm
I rather like Bob as a "I don't know where to post this" thread.
College seemed to take up a lot less time than high school ever did for me. While I was still enrolled, talking with some other friends, they didn't have the same experience (they felt like they had more work). I don't really know why, though I'm usually of the opinion that CS just requires less work from people ("your code doesn't work? no worries, full credit!").
However, actually being employed suddenly seemed like a lot more work than college ever was; I'm not sure about high school, it's hard to compare. I just got used to a college schedule and never realized how little time I really spent on academics; 8 hours a day is a lot of time!
It also seems a bit more stressful, orthogonal to the actual work I do. In college courses, I tended to train myself to get things done quicker at a certain minimal acceptable level. Sometimes to the point of enforcing a time limit; sometimes by waiting until a certain number of hours before a deadline before doing work (hey, it worked!). But now I'm supposed to be doing work for so many hours, and it doesn't matter as much how much I actually get done. So I've been trained (in a sense) to get as much done as possible in as short amount of time, but now that time is stretched to a fixed limit.
See the problem? I don't see the usual benefits of the normal increase in effort. I feel like I must be constantly actively working as hard as I can. The problematic part is alleviated somewhat in that I like what I do and there's never any shortage of things to do, but it can be annoying. I just need to relax, but after so many years in the education system... well, it's hard, it feels like the opposite of what I've been doing for as long as I can remember.
But things are good. It is a minor lament among many positives; this isn't a rant, just something I'd been thinking about and wanted to write down.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 11:22 am
I rather like Bob as a "I don't know where to post this" thread.
College seemed to take up a lot less time than high school ever did for me.
I just saw in another forum there is a "Bran I - Spoilers for ADWD" thread!
I have been waiting to find out WTF happened to Bran since I first finished the third book of A Song of Ice and Fire in early 2001! EIGHT YEARS! and finally, finally George R R Martin has read one of Bran chapters from the next book. I'm so fucking giddy I almost don't want to read the spoiler thread. but I don't care. Eight years! I wish I didn't have to work so I could just bury myself in the thread thinking and rereading the spoilers and replying and in general geeking out and theorizing with the other hardcore ASOIAF fans.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:02 pm
way to be strong dude.
i wonder how many more years it will be before he releases that freaking book.
then again those books piss me off something fierce.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:28 pm
Just now, I was very displeased at the way some people presented themselves through Facebook and other avenues, and without thinking (I seem to do that a lot lately) I muttered to myself "can't anyone be straightforward about anything anymore."
Then I realized that's some very hypocritical criticism, coming from me. After all, I've been the master of roundabout since the dawn of time.
Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2009 1:30 pm
What is it about doing simple math that makes me feel like I'm doing just fine?
I know exactly what you mean! When I get paid I will sit down and write out everything I know i'll have to pay for in those two weeks. I feel so much better after I figure it out. I feel even better if I have any left to transfer over into savings.
Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 8:59 pm
Make it stop. Make him not matter to me, the way I don't to him. I can't take this. I need...something he doesn't want to be anymore.
Help me to remember this feeling when he shows me any little shred of half-assed attention and I swell, thinking it means more than it does.
Make all these things I'm documenting not remind me of him once they're written down.
Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:08 am
I can't remember which philosopher said that happiness comes from work, while laziness causes boredom and despair (sorta, don't remember the exact wording)- but he was SO right. The example is typing this post right now.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wish I were back at school already. I think this is the only summer I've wished for this.
Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:39 am
I'm gonna break soon.
I was busy. Extremely busy. (Barely) Manageably busy. Then, one of my guys took it upon himself to show up to work drunk. So now I not only have to cover his spot, but I also need to refocus on locating and training new guys to replace his sorry ass.
I'm going to break soon. I can't keep this up. Guaranteed I'm not home for another 12-16 hours from now, and that's the way my entire week will be. I'm scared, Bob.
What will I do when I quit for real?
Posted: Mon Aug 17, 2009 2:08 pm
My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light.
Edna St. Vincent Millay, "A Few Figs from Thistles"
Of the few poets I truly love deep in my heart, Ms. Millay is always near the top of the list. And this just hits so hard
I am getting worn out. We leave for Minnesota in six weeks. Just 41 days. And even though I've crossed an extraordinary amount of items off my To Do list, I have to keep adding things on. I'm so overwhelmed.
Real fear is starting to sink in about finding jobs once we're out there. We've both been independent for so long that while we're extremely grateful that his family is doing so much to help us until we get our ducks in a row, it makes us uncomfortable knowing that money will be incredibly tight at first, and that we won't be living in our own place right away. I know that things will be fine; we're both hard workers and incredibly motivated. But I would of course prefer that we get jobs and move into an apartment of our own as soon as possible.
I just feel like there's so much to do, so many people to see, and so many things to get done before September 27th. I'm starting a blog to chronicle the relocation and everything to save me from sending out the same emails five hundred times and I need to start writing content for it as well as getting the layout designed, and I've still got to reschedule the sidewalk sale that got "rained out" and move the last bit of furniture from my old apartment to David's. I've got to deal with the SUPER HIGH MAINTENANCE girl who is taking over the lease at my old apartment and get my security deposit from her. I've got to cancel my gym membership and remember to submit my change of address form to the post office. I have to start composing my notice of resignation and getting ready to train my replacement at work.
Not to mention I've got a wedding to go to in two and a half weeks, we have an entire pantry of dry goods to eat/bake down before we move, I have a goodbye gathering to organize, a bunch of our favorite new York City spots to revisit, critique work for my writers group to do, choose a truck company and reserve a truck for the drive, map out the drive and figure out where we're going to stay/stop along the way, close my second checking account, drop off all my donations at the Salvation Army, recruit a bunch of guys (from where?! from where?!) to help us load the uhaul because I sure as hell cannot help David carry that couch down three flights of stairs, schedule my farewell haircut at Devachan salon (which is probably the saddest thing in the list so far), I just, I just, I just
I got home (home, home, such a strange thing that I live with David now in the rinky-dink studio that used to belong to just him that is now ours, our
home, and which we'll be leaving just as soon as I finally get used to that fact) before David last night after a 6 hour, traffic-laden ride in a non-air-conditioned bus. I changed into my pajamas and snuggled with the cat and read my book and when David walked in the door and we ran into each others arms--we did! like they do in the movies!--and hugged one another I just kept whispering over and over again into his hair and the soft sweet-smelling skin of his neck I missed you I missed you I missed you
. It is amazing to me how everything has changed. And yet, nothing has.
Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 5:08 am
Is it just me, or has TV gotten better?
Probably just me, because it's summer and all the shows are reruns anyway, but I just like every show way better than I did before. Maybe it's just that I'm enjoying TV more as a result of enjoying life more. I like enjoying life.
Although, I just got pretty angry at some random person on the web because she got her happy ending and I didn't (never will?). Who needs happy endings, anyway? On TV, sure, but in real life? But I haven't ruled out the possibility of actually being normal and happy one day. Or not as normal but still happy. Then I will look back at everything and laugh, and I'm pretty sure I won't take my normal-life problems very seriously either, because I'll forever be grateful (and amused by the fact) that these are indeed my problems.
For now, the future doesn't matter much anyway. The distant future, anyhow. The near future...
I have hopes for it, but for a change, they're not very high. I've ceased to expect so much of myself. This is, in a way, sort of sad because it means I've lost the "I Can Do Anything" frame of mind, but I'm being realistic and that's good, and I trust that I won't be disappointed and enjoy myself, for a change.
Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:55 am
Well Bobbo (I've been watching too much Scrubs),
Paul is in Uganda for 2 weeks. He left on Monday and I finally heard from him via email today. It looks like that will be our sole communication since he's nowhere near phones or internet. I miss him so much. I am doing the single parenting thing and I suck at it. There's no backup when I get frustrated, no one to help clean up and no support.
It's Guinevere's first birthday today. We already had our celebration, so it doesn't really feel like it, but it is. I'm not sure what to do with a one year old on her birthday. I don't think she really notices.
On the I'm-so-bored-after-Ginny-goes-to-sleep side, I've watched all off Dollhouse, All of Scrubs Season 4 and I'm almost done re-reading Harry Potter (just started Deathly Hallows).
Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 3:31 am
I spend every waking hour of my day trying to force myself not to cry. I would rather go back to bed, lie in the fetal position, and cry than go to work right now. I'll continue to feel that way until work gets so overwhelming that I don't have any time to, and then once I get things settled some, I'll go back to that same thought. I'm breaking.
It's too much.