Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby Luet » Sun Jun 21, 2009 8:42 pm

Bob,

I am becoming more and more convinced that having people in your life is more trouble than it's worth. It seems to always end in pain and disappointment. Sometimes it's friends you have chosen, sometimes it's family that you haven't...but they all let you down. I'm sick of letting them in. I care way less than I used to but it's still too much. I need to build up some stronger walls.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby locke » Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:06 pm

Everything computery is crashing at work, please don't let it be my fault, God, I don't want to be fired. :(
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby bonzo's_pride » Mon Jun 22, 2009 1:49 pm

Bob,

my girlfriend of two years broke up with me in facebook message. who does that? i'm not really sure which way is up anymore. at least i'll always know that "the enemy's gate is down."


josh

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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Jun 22, 2009 3:38 pm

Hey, you.

I remember the first time someone said that to me as a greeting (looking at you, Syphon). It was years ago and it made me bristle a bit because that's what Jill's dad called Tim on Home Improvement, "Hey, You," only he meant in the sense that Tim was not worth acknowledging on a personal level and Syphon did not mean it this way, so the bristling was short lived. I use it all the time now myself. Anyway, stories aside...

This first weekend/two day break has been a strange one for me. I was able to look back over the whole work week and kind of readjust my internal settings and it was all plain weird. I will be dumping everything I can here, so be forewarned, this will be long and pointless but it's unfortunately part of my "working through things" routine.

Tuesday I mostly covered in that other thread so I'll skip to Wednesday. Wednesday morning, I spent in Children's, helping out with a craft (fingerpainting) and learning a bit more of the computer software. After lunch, I shifted over to Circulation to learn the ropes there. It was not as intuitive as I would have liked and although the woman who was/is training me there tries to be very patient and answers my questions, she has worked there for over 20 years and as much as she tries to hide her impatience at my taking time to learn this stuff, it shows. For every mistake I'd correct the next time I did the same process, I'd make an entirely new one. For all the computer stuff I learned, there were a million rules/policies I didn't know.

Wednesday afternoon, when helping one patron, another got impatient with how long it was taking me and so when it was his turn and I was done helping him, I asked if there was anything else I could do for him. He replied, "Yeah. You can learn how to do your job by the time I come back." Or something very similar; it's been days, I forget exact wording. I explained to him I was new, he said something about him figuring as much if I was so slow, and then he left. This upset me more than I should have let it but that's one of my big fears...that I'll be unable to do the job and then what? After an epic fail by that one Pwebber, I left my room and decided to talk to my mom instead. She reminded me that I had been in that department for a few hours and it was okay, I'd pick it up and no one who knew anything worth knowing would think it was a failing on my part, so ignore the man. I felt better after that and we proceeded to look through things I might be able to use; stickers, glitter, butcher paper, etc. have been ordered. 8)

Thursday morning I had a benefits meeting, then I rearranged an entire section of books. It took until it was time to leave for my hearing. There's a courthouse a block away from the library I work at but it's not the one my hearing is in; despite repeated attempts to remind my parents of this, they weren't listening and assumed it was the courthouse near me and I could walk. So I was freaking out about how I was supposed to get there; I was already going to miss work, I couldn't leave even earlier to walk the couple of miles. I got a call from my ex-step-mother saying she'd take me. When I left to meet her in the parking lot, my dad was there, too, saying he didn't trust the prosecutor, so he wanted to be there for me. I was still nervous but felt so much less alone than I had prior to that moment.

We showed up at the courthouse, my lawyer showed up moments later, and then we found out there was a pro tem judge and my lawyer wanted the actual judge who presided over the sentencing last year. She figured the pro tem would side with the prosecutor, just to avoid making waves, and decided to ask for a continuance. While waiting for the hearing ahead of us to finish, she spoke with the prosecutor. Right there in the hallway where I could hear everything they said. Not only would he not agree to a continuance, he would not agree to terminating my probation, so she had better be prepared to argue like hell for me. There were the same old accusations that I was a predator and I deserved everything I got plus some I didn't. My dad told me to ignore him.

Got inside, my lawyer appealed to the pro tem for a continuance. The prosecutor started arguing "facts," failing to mention the female "victim" to show that I was a predator and let's decide this here and now, especially since the victims had representatives there who took time off work. We were granted the continuance but not before I started shaking so badly I thought I was going to throw up. Honestly, I think this is where my luck is going to end. This just pissed the prosecutor off even more, that in his eyes I've now gotten away with whatever twice. I left pissed off that he keeps trying to argue charges that weren't brought against me and that he keeps contorting the facts to support those non-existent charges.

My dad, maybe in an effort to cheer me up, told me not to be pissed, all things considered I was lucky, just wait out the time. Clearly, there were witnesses who could speak against me, so I must be lying about not doing donuts and wheelies and racing, so I deserve what I got and I was smart enough to be able to understand that if I wanted to. This on top of telling me last year that he was sure I would be going to prison up in the Phoenix area because he wasn't sure I wasn't lying about what was said about the type of relationship. I wanted to remind my dad all these charges were added after the statement -in which it was stated there was NOTHING going on because, you know, there wasn't- by the "victim" was made, I was going to be let go, and so just maybe they were the ones who presented things wrong. My ex-step-mother thought it was her place to join in and tell me I was being stupid and why.

My own dad thinks I'm capable of doing those bad things and that undid everything. I felt very much alone after that. I have no hope for a judge to see things the right way. Needless to say, I was...am upset with my dad and this whole ordeal. I go back in July to do this again. In the meantime, the ex-step-mother had been ordered by my dad to pick me up from work so I wouldn't have to walk, literally, from one side of town to the other to get home. I have declined any further assistance so as far as I know, I will be walking from here on out whenever my mom works nights.

Oh, and cue Epic Fail #2 for Pwebber, who after a night of drinking, kind of brushed over it. I guess I knew better than to mention it and so got what I deserved but it solidified my decision to file him under Not Safe for relating things that upset me, all the same. Of course, I started trying to make excuses for him..."Maybe he just didn't know what to say and is socially challenged, so what he said was the best he could do. I don't think I'd know what to do besides listen, myself, so maybe I can't hold it against him." To be fair, I think what he said afterward was his attempt to tell me he didn't know how to respond and my being upset didn't help it to not come off as a brush off. I don't know, maybe that is also me trying to make excuses. Doesn't matter. "Not Safe" is all I need to know.

Friday was good, actually, as was Saturday. By lunch on Friday, I gained a whole bunch of confidence in Circulation and even though I've been messing up still, I'm getting to be pretty good at it all. I already know more about how to use the computer and register than my two other coworkers (the non-20-year people). I am scared, though, by the fact that I've seen no less than three former students. One came up to me and talked to me; the other two ignored me. God, what if they go home and say they saw me and parents call the library to complain? THIS is why I want to take care of the charges, Dad. I want to be able to say "But look, the court recognizes this is NOT a problem." This town is too small for this not to be a problem no matter where I could have found work. Two years of worrying in the back, or front, of my mind that I might step on someone from my past's toes and they'll ruin things for me does not make for peaceful living.

Anyway, work is going fine. I'm still curious as to how I'll do when I'm officially on my own in Children's; I have one more week of training. I'll continue to pray that our hours of operation don't change. I'd hate to have to walk home after an 8pm close time instead of 5pm. But I'm new and guess what? My opinion carries little weight and this also doesn't matter. That's my way of trying to tell myself to keep the bigger picture in mind. It does not actually mean something doesn't matter to me, it just means I'll get over it because I refuse to let it get in the way of my ultimate goal. So if hours change and I'm left to walk across town in the dark, so be it. In the meantime, I'm collecting stats for them; they asked us to count people coming in.

Life in general is sort of strange. I'm trying to survive the constant yelling and crying from my nieces and I'm trying to ignore the yelling from my brother. It feels like it's later in the year than it is. Just something about the lighting or the feel/atmosphere or the temperature, I don't know what, that makes it feel like September or October. It's making me yearn for the coolness of December and January and all the feelings that that time of year stirs in me. It's very confusing, truth be told.

And the Boy. Why can't this be simple? Why can't I snap my fingers and be done with the problematic parts? Heart-Brain, this is Friend, nothing more. Get with the program; Brain-Brain gets it. It's ridiculous to play through the conversation between the two. H-B starts getting warm and fuzzy, spewing crap about wanting hugs (just like that, where they just sort of melt into each other completely), about him being a sight for sore eyes type of thing, about how I am completely undone (in a supposedly good way) by some of his mannerisms...B-B steps in the most during those moments and cautions against using initial responses. Especially when the initial response is "Mine." Well, no, stupid, not at all yours so cut it out. It's also why I keep stopping with the sketch stuff; B-B thinks that's an altogether bad idea because it encourages H-B. Argh. Let's go back to my months of peace last year when I was happily and comfortably not interested in anything male.

Separate issue all together, every time I look in the mirror, I struggle to get past my nose, as though I look like this guy before he uses the Afrin. Go ahead and laugh at that one, Bob, I know I'm being silly.

However, I've said enough. Part of me even wonders if I don't say so much to discourage its being paid attention to, "tl;dr" and all.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby locke » Tue Jun 23, 2009 9:57 am

Bob, better part of a 13 hour day yesterday and get to go home to work on unpacking. Missed a movie I had a ticket to due to having to stay at work to deal with the insanity. stayed up til 3 then had to get up at 730 to be at work by 8 today. :(

that said, it is so incredibly freeing, and dare I say, soothing, to not have internet at home, I got a whole lot of unpacking accomplished which I never would have otherwise, I'd have still been up but would instead have wasted all the time on the internet.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby starlooker » Tue Jun 23, 2009 2:37 pm

Dear Bob,

Geriatric psychology is a booming, lucrative profession that's going to be sorely needed in the coming years.

Too bad it scares me so much.

Karma is not something I really believe in anymore. Or, if I do, I believe in a karma that is twisted and unkind.

My grandmothers, valedictorians of their class, known for their intelligence, both getting Alzheimer's.

My grandfather on my father's side, a gentleman and an athlete, a veteran, a swimmer and runner and golfer, gets a form of bone cancer that is vicious and severe and even signing his name causes intense pain.

My other grandfather, the most social man I ever knew, farmer for decades, stuck inside a nursing home, lonely, without purposeful activity to do.

And the more I learn, the more the pattern keeps insisting.

I'm reading a very interesting book now about old-old returning to the past in order to resolve conflicts and justify having lived. And it's very good and all, and this rotation has been enlightening, really, but the plain cruelty of loss and losses bothers me too much to make a profession out of it.

Much as I enjoy the people I've worked with during it.

The thing is, it scares me but it also matters to me.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby locke » Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:13 am

Bob,

I got tickets to see a night of Miyazaki-san. The master will be interviewed by Jon Lassetar and they will be showing clips of his movies. I am incredibly excited. Miyazaki! now if only they were showing Ponyo as well. I've already been thrilled at getting to see cels from Miyazaki's films on Monday night, omg the cell of the 猫のバス (catbus (I think)) is so awesome.

otoh, I also have a ticket to see Spirited Away in the same place, the venue with pretty much the biggest non imax screen you'll ever see that houses a solid 1000 people.

Now I just need to see if Harry Potter midnight tickets are on sale. I've not yet decided, do I want to try to see it at Graumann's the way I did for Goblet of Fire (that was spectacular, btw, Bob) or do I want to see it at the assigned seating place on my side of town. Decisions decisions.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby starlooker » Thu Jun 25, 2009 1:32 pm

Dear Bob,

God, I'm having a rough time with this. You know that, obviously, by the posts I keep writing, but I keep thinking it's not really so bad. And then I get all upset and it turns out that, yes, it is that bad. And then I feel like it shouldn't be. Which is not really all that useful a take on it.

Long story short, in the hospital, we have an icky situation. Social worker mentions something about how the family must feel. Driving out to a nursing home to see the lady who made me cry three weeks ago, what the social worker said came back to me and memories of what happened with Grandpa before he died and the stupid doctor who was fucking sedating him just flooded me and I started bawling and had to pull over. Cancelled the appointment, I'll try again tomorrow.

I feel like such a fucking basket case right now. This has never happened to me before. Ever. Not in this kind of context. I can usually hold it together for work.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Gravity Defier » Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:30 pm

Bob,

I woke up at 4something this morning from a nightmare. It upset me so much that I puked for the first time in quite some time. The following two hours were hell.

I quit eating breakfast and forgot my lunch today, but I've felt like crap all day so I didn't mind that. My mom did, however, and she forced me to eat. I had 5 little something or others.

I have been in charge of my department for the past few days. Training ended almost a full week earlier than they expected but they said it felt too much like babysitting me since I have it down.

The assistant director was so impressed by some of my Circulation related work that she told me to email it to my manager and he had to email it to all the branches so they could follow suit.

I am now officially the second most knowledgeable person in my branch and after a small training tomorrow (that everyone in Children's is required to attend), I just might be equal to the first.

A little gangster and I had some "fun" with the computers.

A little girl told me I was her friend and gave me a balloon to solidify the status. She then followed me everywhere until her mom ordered her away.

My Spanish is atrocious but between them and me, we're making out conversations decently.

There's this little boy whose mother told me he wants to come to the library every day to see me.

There's another regular patron whose baby crawls after me.

I tried going to exercise after work and I feel like death. Not from soreness, though I am sore. More from the lack of sleep or stress.

Oh yeah, did I mention that dream made me question if it's worth it to fight the probation in a few weeks and I'm considering telling my lawyer to drop it?

Lastly, I have yet to respond to a dear friend about something so very awesome and important because I'm avoiding the possibility that my dad will try to email me again. He's older than Michael Jackson...he was in the hospital years ago for some undiagnosable issue. I don't know if I should cut the bullshit or not.

No, no, this is last. I made puppets and got two bear-hugs today from some autistic kids. They love a lot. I loved the hugs.

That's all.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby locke » Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:48 am

Bob,

I went to screening of Harold and Maude tonight. Which is one of the greatest, funniest, tenderest and most sweetly amazing films of all time. I loved finally seeing it on the big screen. Everyone should see it. you'll laugh til it hurts then you will cry your eyes out.

Cat Stevens wrote the songs for the movie, songs like "Trouble" and he was there tonight, for the first time in more than thirty years, longer than I have been alive, he was in the country and performing. He sang us three songs. It was freaking amazing! Wonderful, great experience. :D
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby daPyr0x » Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:49 am

Bob,

We're over.

Why can't I just...I don't know, find somebody who'll put in to a relationship what I'm willing to? Somebody that I'm willing to do that with, that is.

Why can't...instead of having days upon days of build up after I say I have a problem and get utterly no response outside of "later," can't I have someone who wants to work it out.

*Sigh* Women aren't worth it. None of you are. Sorry.

I'm happy with my life. All aspects of my life. Except, of course, the one that says my real goal in life is to have a family. I just don't think that'll happen after all. I can't put up with women, and apparently no matter how easy I try to make it for them they can't put up with me. Kinda makes me wonder what the point of everything else is if I'll never get to the end goal

But I digress
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Postby starlooker » Fri Jun 26, 2009 6:37 pm

Dear Bob,

On a happier note, I think I have a job. It was really nice to hear these two women really, really trying to flatter and recruit me. I'll be damned. Maybe I have done some good things :)
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby elfprince13 » Fri Jun 26, 2009 7:08 pm

I went to screening of Harold and Maude tonight. Which is one of the greatest, funniest, tenderest and most sweetly amazing films of all time. I loved finally seeing it on the big screen. Everyone should see it. you'll laugh til it hurts then you will cry your eyes out.
I <3 Harold and Maude

Alea: other than the dream/eating, that sounds amazing. Especially all the interactions with the kids!


Dear Bob:
You know what makes me angry? That I wasted 50 hours of my saturdays going to trainings for NYLT, and then they switched my position so that all of that was entirely irrelevant, and half the people on staff skipped the training entirely. Also, I was forced to wear sneakers all week and my feet are in tremendous pain, and feel like they're rotting......the camp nurse was yelling at me to keep my shoes on (even when I was sitting for an hour inside) instead of keeping her weed-smoking borderline alcoholic son (who incidentally was supposed to be giving our talk on Making Ethical Decisions) from sneaking off camp with his girlfriend. I volunteered for this, and I could have made $200 (thus paying for the pair of Vibram Fivefingers I've been wanting, and most of the 1TB external HD I need), instead of being treated like crap, despite being an Eagle Scout and the only adult on Youth Staff. At least I made an impact on my campers.
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Postby human. » Sat Jun 27, 2009 9:20 pm

Hey Bob!

So, guess what! I just had a whole bunch of good news come my way! And I really need to tell someone? I actually have told a lot of people about a lot of the good news already.. (There's about seven or eight things I have in mind right now.) But I just needed to say some of it one more time before I sleep tonight? Not all of it, mind you! Just two or three things?

Basically, I'm about to start applying for colleges, right? That's a pretty big deal to me! I've always loved school, and I love talking about it. But that's not the point. I want to get into a good university. So I've been taking those standardized tests that we take! I took the ACT in April, and scored in the top 99%, which is awesome and rather unexpected as I usually fall in the 94-96% range. I took this test after I had taken the SAT in March because I hadn't done spectacular on the SAT. I did do well, just not spectacularly. I earned a 2020, the first time. So the ACT was a spirit-bringer-upper! Anyway, that's not the good news, just the background. I took the SAT again in June, just to see if I could bring it up. I tried to study.. For about an hour two days before? So I wasn't too sure the score would change. When I took that test, I wrote the worst essay I have ever written. I used Captain Planet in my conclusion.. I could not think at all during that essay. The rest of it was pretty easy, though. So I got my scores back two days ago, and guess what! I improved! I ended up earning a score 160 points higher than my previous one. This brought me to a 1450/1600 for the Math and Reading sections combined, which means I get automatic academic admission into one of the schools I'm applying to. (I'm really paranoid about not getting into any schools.)

So.. I'm excited! Anyway, second piece of good news is that apparently all of the AP courses I signed up for next year are conflicting with the PE courses I'm taking (as required by my state to graduate). While that sounds like bad news, I'm actually really excited about it! I signed up for one of the hardest course loads in my class. But I'm capable of handling all of these classes with flying colors... if I were to invest all of my time into school. Not only am I a lazy procrastinator (somewhat redundant, I know), I also am in a long distance relationship, am a leader in a club that meets every day of the first semester and am a president of two clubs (I have very little life outside of school). So.. I don't think I could have handled all of those classes together.. but.. I felt like I couldn't not sign up for them if I'm capable of the class work. It's a pride thing? I'm really prideful.. (if you couldn't tell). And so dropping a class feels embarrassing. But this means that I have not choice.. So, yay!

As for other good news.. Harry Potter is coming! And I have midnight tickets?

Thank you for listening, Bob. I appreciate it. A lot.

human.

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Postby zeroguy » Sat Jun 27, 2009 10:59 pm

I took the ACT in April
I took this test after I had taken the SAT in March
You took both? I don't remember seeing colleges that didn't just take the equivalent score...
lazy procrastinator (somewhat redundant, I know)
Psh, procrastinators needn't be lazy. Waiting as long as possible can make assignments more exciting! (it's like a race, and can get your adrenaline going) It also puts a hard limit on the time you can spend on something, and trains time estimation insincts.

(tip for current students: do not listen to zero)
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Postby locke » Sat Jun 27, 2009 11:35 pm

I took the ACT three times (as a soph, ,junior and senior) and the SAT twice (as junior and senior) and three SAT IIs once (as junior).

I also took the PSAT and the PLAN once or twice.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Mich » Sun Jun 28, 2009 12:19 am

I took SATs, didn't like my score as much, took the ACTs and got top 99%. It was definitely a better choice.

But good on you, hume. I'm fairly certain, however, you would have gotten accepted into at least ONE school. :D
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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 3:59 pm

As for other good news.. Harry Potter is coming! And I have midnight tickets?

Which theatre? Not that it matters because I'm out of town for the release (floating the river with my boyfriend and his parents.)
-Kim

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Postby Wind Swept » Sun Jun 28, 2009 6:14 pm

I went to screening of Harold and Maude tonight.
I feel special. locke referenced a movie I actually recognized—and have seen!

--

Hey Bob,

I was sitting on an empty tab and, having forgotten why I opened it, started typing philoticweb.net. So, I thought I'd check in, make sure everyone's still alive. You know, besides Han Tzu.

Life is... Life. I'm home again for what is likely one last summer. Building some websites, hoping to get paid for most of them. Getting some work done on my senior project/capstone/whatever you want to call it. Yep. Summer is moving by far too quickly.
"Roland was staring at Tiffany, so nonplussed he was nearly minused."

*Philoticweb.net = Phoebe

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Postby Olhado_ » Sun Jun 28, 2009 7:40 pm

Dear Bob,

Why? What is it about me? I try and I try and still I have no luck and then I meet someone, have a conversation with her and was looking forward to another conversation with her. I mean really looking forward to it and I get a message saying she has been busy; but is taking that she has been missing my phone calls as a subconsciousness sign that it was not meant to be.

Well, I guess I have no choice; but to keep looking; but seriously am I that bad of a person, that much of a jerk, that hideous (for those that have seen photos) that people keep rejecting me.

And some of you wonder why I am so aloof, so quite, almost anti-social because the one person in this world who cannot reject me is me and at least I can stand being with myself. I just wish I could find someone to share my time with too. :)

Anyways, Thanks Bob for listening.
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human.
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Postby human. » Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:22 pm

Zero, yeah, I don't know any colleges that won't accept both! But.. I want to make sure that I know that I'm submitting my best score to colleges. I want to look good to them in all ways I can! College is the next four plus years of my life.. so I want to make sure I do all I can to get into the best schools.

I appreciate your faith in me, Mich! But my mind just reasons it out that I'm one of tens of thousands of candidates for a spot at the schools I'm applying to.. So maybe they choose all of the other ones instead of me.. I have some irrational fears of never getting anywhere in my life?

And I'm going to be at Cinemark, Kimmie. Are you floating on the Guadalupe or the Frio? Or.. another river? Those are the only two I've ever been to. I saw a huge snake in the Frio, once. Everyone with me was like, "It's just a log!" And then it moved. I got out of that water as fast as I could! But good luck on your floating! I bet it'll be really relaxing.

And Bob, my room is clean, finally! It's absolutely amazing to see my floor again. It makes me happy. =]

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:27 pm

Guadalupe, of course! :-P

I like the Premiere a lot better. I think mostly because it's newer and cleaner and the armrests go up. Also, they sell Dippin' Dots.
-Kim

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Postby human. » Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:48 pm

I know! Me too. They have much better seats and better concessions. And they make great queso and chips in their restaurant! But they cost a dollar more. At least at matinee times.. Plus, it's further away than cinemark is for me. I live on the opposite side of town..

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Postby Confessions » Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:36 am

Bob,

A good guideline in deciding whether to go to a talk or not is this: if you don't understand the title, you will not understand a word of the talk itself.

Besides, do I want that? The answer is no. Even if I had four more years or so of expertise in the subject (times like this clarify how much majoring in something is really just the beginning, the tip of the iceberg), would I want to go to that? Maybe when I actually have those four more years of expertise, in four years, it wouldn't matter and the answer will be sure, why not (but I've learned not to count on mere years to change me).

Right now, the conclusion is this: no point in going to the colloquium tomorrow.

But I am curious. Although that's pretty much my permanent status these days, so no big deal there.

*ramble*
The password is "guilty"

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Postby starlooker » Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:05 pm

Dear Bob,

YAY! I have a job!

And, well, sadness, I did not even try to negotiate any terms for it :)

Ah, well, what was the point, really? I'm happy with what they're giving me -- they're paying me as though I have the dissertation completed.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Mon Jun 29, 2009 3:04 pm

Hey Bob. I'm home from England. And broke. But home, at least. Now to get moving on the job search so I can not be broke. And hey, there's a thunder storm today, which I missed having, so that's good, right? I just wish I could get my bike put back together to have a bit more mobility. But it's a freak bike, too big for most boxes (even the ones that "should fit, I promise!"), and having an abnormal type of screw to keep the handlebars on ("if you have a Giant, this is the right size!"). And I was too frustrated after getting home only to find out it was NOT the right size to bother going right back. Next time I'ma make them put it in for me.

And I'm short-tempered and squabbling with my mom and irritated with everything in this house. I can't wait to move into the new flat. It can't come soon enough.

But, huge positive side, I got to hold my new baby nephew. He's a very cute little guy, very personable. Can't wait to see him again.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby LilBee91 » Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:36 pm

England doesn't have thunderstorms? Maybe it isn't my dream place to live...
I used to hate gravity because it would not let me fly. Now I realize it is gravity that lets me stand.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

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Postby Rei » Mon Jun 29, 2009 8:56 pm

It's sounding like *my* dream place... Dratted loud noises.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
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私は。。。誰?

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Postby Yebra » Tue Jun 30, 2009 2:55 am

It's sounding like *my* dream place... Dratted loud noises.
Well on that count we do have Brian Blessed....
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Postby daPyr0x » Tue Jun 30, 2009 5:52 am

Dear Bob,

I need something to look forward to. That's how I run my life, little goals, little bright spots that I can keep an eye on in the distance. Whether it's something I'm doing on the weekend or a vacation in the near future, I need that little light. It's how I make it through my week, how I let the stress of my job (the one I quit and ended up getting a promotion at, lol) roll off my back, and how I get myself out of bed in the morning. Knowing that it's only so long until I get to that light.

She was that light. I went through every day anxiously awaiting getting to see her next. No wonder I was so disappointed when I made an effort to spend time with her and all we did was her errands. But I still had that light...

I wrote a letter the other night, to her. I've not sent it, and I don't plan to. The last letter I wrote really didn't go over so well. I wanted to print it, sit down for coffee with her and read it. Still gets my thoughts out, but doesn't suffer some of the stumbling points from the last time.

But now she's ignoring me.

I want to tell her she's right. I know I started it, I know if I had been better this never would've happened that way, I know I need the phone and can't just go off texts, especially if I'm upset. I told her she was right, that I wasn't trying to change her mind, but that I wanted to sit down with her for a bit to talk face to face. And now she's ignoring me.

I know she's probably got a million reasons she can't respond and it's not that she's ignoring me. I know there's no good reason for me to be upset. I just... I feel so unloved. All things considered, I feel like our relationship was a lie. Everything about her feelings towards me has changed so drastically in such a short time, was it ever real?

No, probably not. Just like the rest of them.

None of them love me, they love the idea of me. The idea of a nice guy who treats them well but isn't a total sucker (like I used to be). The idea of a guy who's smart and can communicate intelligently, and can still have fun and make them feel good about themselves.

Every single girl falls in love with the idea of me; and every once in a while I fall in love with them.

But that doesn't work.

You wonder why I'm bitter and reserved? Why I don't let myself connect with people?

--Cam
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:38 am

England has thunderstorms occasionally. They're short and not very exciting or frequent, is the problem. I like a good hour's worth of noise and fun. Yesterday we got a couple hours worth of thunder, and when it stopped, it still rained but it was a beautiful, clean, warm summer rain, not a chilly drizzle.

Unfortunately, there is no minster here. I miss the minster.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby starlooker » Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:48 am

Dear Bob,

Please, please, please let it not end up with me being frickin subpoenaed. Please. Damnit, damnit, damnit.

f***.

Damn.

ARG.

Me
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby daPyr0x » Tue Jun 30, 2009 6:58 pm

Bob,

I need guidance. Guidance that I can trust. I've craved that my entire life. I've never been able to talk to my mom, nor my dad, nor any of the brainwashed sheep from that church that were supposed to be good role models in my life.

I've lived as much of my entire life as possible autonomous. No friends, no social life to rely on. My mom fills my head with the drivel her church forces on her, my dad is little more than a friend for me, spending as little as a few hours a month with me. I've just had to cope by myself.

I want help. I want to understand what happened, what's actually happening. I want to know what I should do from here. But why trust anyone to be smarter than me?

Really, who can I look up to?
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Postby Jeesh_girl15 » Tue Jun 30, 2009 7:59 pm

Dear Bob,
I'm confused, and pissed, and disappointed. I only today found out, with help from my bf, that I like this guy that I used to like, but completely turned him down a few months ago, cause I didn't like him then. And now since he's on my swim team, and I see him like four or five times a week, I some how started liking him again, and I really don't want to like him, cause I was enjoying my non crush pressured life that I've had for the past few months. And I don't think he likes me back anymore, and I really don't know what to do, and my friend tries, but isn't really much of a help, and this is kind of confusing and pointless, so I think I will just stop right now... Thanks for listening about my confusing and weird non love life.
You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

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Postby Gravity Defier » Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:04 pm

Bob,

I think I do or am. I want to you know what but not like this, under these circumstances. I was thinking about this when shelving and kept asking the same question of their capability over and over again and then I thought even if that's all there is to it, it's part of the whole.

I don't know. Bloody hell.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.


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