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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:34 pm
by daPyr0x

I guess I've been kinda quiet on here as of late. Truth be told, I've not had a whole lot of time at home to sit down and write here. So, here goes.

I've started seeing a girl. The relationship is moving very quick, and though having a girl I date push to move fast in a relationship isn't new for me, actually being okay with that is. She's got a lot of baggage, which seems to be my 'm.o.,' however I can deal with that. She makes me happy, and happy like this... I've not had this for a long time. She does have some baggage, and I'm scaring myself with all of this, but I suspect most of my fears are really just manifestations of my own baggage.

She seems too good to be true, and pretty enamoured with me at that. I just hope that however things end up going with her I make it out without breaking or something. See, right there is that fear showing.

Bob, I'm opening myself up to somebody. I'm really putting effort in for this girl and putting myself out there. I remember what happened every time I've done that before. All my body wants to do is find some reason to hate her, to shut her down, cut her off. I want out, damnit. I want a REASON to want out. But only because I'm scared, I'm scared that if I get involved with her, I'll end up getting hurt again, just like previous relationships.

But I can't do anything about how happy she makes me. I can't pull back from her because she really does make me so happy when I'm with her. I can't help but be okay with it moving quickly, because I really do feel as strongly about her. I'm trying my best to just sit back and enjoy the ride, because the whole experience really is so fun. And who knows, she may well be who I end up with. The pure thought of me seeing somebody that I would even consider that with is such an unusual thing for me. Not quite new, but close, and very very nice to have back.

Oh, and so you can all judge me, I've known her for 3 weeks now. Better yet, she's close friends with my mom of all people. I guess you never really know when it's going to hit you, eh?

She wants to meet the rest of my family already, and my extended immediate family (if you knew my family, you'd understand) will meet her likely when we do my birthday in early April. That one is a new thought to me. My mom is the only member of my family (or any of my friends, for that matter - save for Ryan and Joel, for 1 each) to have ever met anyone I've dated. Never my dad, step mom, brothers, none of them. 3 weeks in and I want them to meet this girl? Yeah, this has gotta be special. Scary, but special nonetheless.

Part of why I haven't posted this is that I don't want to be too public about feeling this way about someone so quickly. It's one of those "duh, slow down you tard" situations and I know I'll be reminded of that down the road, but I'm coming to terms with that and just out enjoying what I can.

Thanks, Bob


Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:27 pm
by locke
Bob, it's only a nine hour day, 10am to 7pm which is really an 8 hr day with an hour for lunch. :) Also I'm not just doing one show, but coming into being lead on three shows at the same time. This is gonna look great on ye old resume. :-P

That said, one of the show is about models (bickering basically) and LOL, I honestly only find one of them attractive, the smart one, I don't know if that's my biases projecting out, but the intelligence factor really makes her much more desirable/cuter/beautiful to me. The other three models, they have like dead eyes, and I don't really find them attractive, at least on screen, I saw one prepping for a shoot as I was coming back for lunch and she was allright in person but nothing I don't see in LA everyday and wouldn't take a second look at normally. otoh, there's a very cute AE working swing shift, gonna have to keep my mind on work and not have wandering eyes. ;) Or I'll get that look Kelly gives us all in the portraits thread. The head of the modeling agency is very good looking (former model herself) but agaiin, has the intelligence factor working in her favor. I mean, I've seen some stupid people on idol, but most of them had personality, even the stupid attractive girls. We had a few 'dead eyes' contestants once in a while but nothing like the sort of vibes these girls give off. :-P Guess I wouldn't be very good living the high and stylish life if those are the sorts of girls that go along with it. ugh.

The other shows are interesting enough and more appealing to me but mainly I've been working on the kooky models today, I like it though, I'm not down on the show, I think it could wind up being fascinating, we shall see. :)

also I get paid every week rather than every two weeks. :)

ETA: it's a terrific job, I really enjoy it and the people there are awesome. the day went by pretty quickly. :) a great atmosphere to work in. all that anxiety for nothing. Now I just have to wait for my paycheck from idol and my bank account will be hurting less since (due to christmas hiatus) it's been almost a month since I was paid. :)

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 6:13 pm
by Olhado_

It happened again.

I got accused of being a creep. It is Freshman year all over again, although this time the person (or people) who I suspect claiming this I harbor no feelings, besides for friendship for them. In fact, I have really put aside all feelings above friendship for everyone I know since I need to master those first.

I don't know perhaps I am just a dangerous person socially and should be avoided. But, until I figure out what I did and how to prevent this in the future (again) I am going to have to go deeper into "real life" isolation, by limiting my oral conversations.

I guess I should post this warning be afraid if you ever meet me in real life because evidently I am a danger. :cry:

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 6:57 pm
by Gravity Defier

Broken record alert; maybe I should just go a few pages back, find the appropriate post and C&P it here.

I am crying at the moment, frantically trying to catch every drop of moisture so that I don't look like I am. I'm managing to stay quiet, so that the only sound coming from this room is the clickety-clack of the keyboard.

Why am I being so emo? A friend of my mom's is over and he seems to think he can be my hero, my knight in shining armor. When I was going for something to drink, he asked me, "Do you want a job?" Err, yeah. "Do you really want a job?" No, dumbass. I was lying; truly, I enjoy having an aimless and meaningless life that requires me to depend on other people for everything. (I didn't really say anything between "No" and "everything," including those two words.) I did say: Yes, I want a job. "Then look forward to getting one!"

I have accepted that getting jobs is about who you know a lot of the time. I don't like it, one bit, but I have accepted it. Mostly. So that aspect doesn't bother me. Neither does the fact that it is probably low-paying, since he says it'd be something like waitressing. It only bothers me a little that the hours will probably suck, but I can't be picky now can I?

It does bother me that it's 20+ miles away and I have no car. It does bother me that I will be a further burden on my mother should he pull through for me. It does bother me that I fear that this is it, that I'll amount to nothing in life and be stuck here. It does bother me that people feel entitled to hear what happened, and if I don't tell them, it bothers me that they imagine the worst and ask if I'm some sort of pervert or deviant.

It does bother me that people want me to keep reliving the incident and that they can't understand why it upsets me, still, to talk about it or think about it.

It does bother me that this man tried to convince me to file an appeal.

I don't want to, not because I have anything to hide...the sentencing turned into a trial, practically, where all sorts of 'evidence' was brought up. "Oh, your honor, she bought her students food!" And I talked to them, and listened, and yes, horrible person that I am, I cared about them. They did their little investigation. They couldn't find anything hidden because there was nothing to hide.

I don't want to because it hurts to think about it, it hurts to know that most people, including my father, think I am trying to hide things, it just plain fucking sucks to be put before strangers, family, and friends and be judged to my face and argued about and analyzed and to be called horrible things and given horrible if it's okay, because out of fear and ignorance and wanting to be home and out of the mess, I plead wrong or technically right, but with laws, you can twist s*** around to your advantage and disadvantage. It sucks to know that things would be considerably different if that one line hadn't been said, or if I'd gone to Phoenix like I'd been invited to do. It sucks that I carry this with me to the point of still having nightmares/dreams about it...the last one being two days ago.

I do not let go of things easily. Circumstances have not allowed for me to let this go, as all but one of the MANY applications I've filled out have asked for me to repeat this. I do not get a break from it, not while I'm awake or asleep.

I'll take the judgments, I'll resign myself to the fact that just like my parents and theirs before them, I'll probably struggle most of my life from paycheck to paycheck and that I may not get any more opportunities to see the country/world even though things had started to look so promising. I'll accept that people will think I'm some typical, good for nothing minority who's probably mooching off the government.

Just...I don't know. Let me climb back into my figurative cage and try to find some peace without all the pressure to work jobs I'd get no satisfaction doing or appeal anything or hang out with anyone I don't want to.


As soon as I hit enter on that and logged out, I grabbed my gloves, put some music on, and went outside to pour my frustration into my front yard for an hour. Yard looks tidier and I got some relief.

Came back inside, worked on the homemade decorations I'll be putting up tomorrow morning for my mom's boss's going away party. Theme is lawn gnomes (don't look at me, they picked it).

Then I started jotting down the idea I've had for a children's book for the past 2 years.

I still don't feel great but I distracted myself just enough to not feel like complete s***. The Oreos didn't hurt, either.

Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 11:50 pm
by Rei
Dear Bob,

I am sooooooo tired of reading this book. But I have to review it for Tuesday >_< I'm not looking forward to that. And I'm not sure that the gin is helping at this point. I may have overdone that. Oops. Alas... at least I'm almost half-way through. Only another 230pp. on child abandonment.


Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 9:54 pm
by Young Val
Dear Bob,

I'm not going to be babysitting every Saturday night anymore. This is extremely upsetting for two reasons.

1. I was the full-time nanny for this family for a year and a half, and have been sitting for them every Saturday night for another two years. I love the kids, I love the parents. They love me. We were all pretty emotional tonight when they told me. I completely understand; the economy is just too bad right now. They've given my contact information to all their friends with kids, and they still want to hire me occasionally. Perhaps one Saturday a month, or once every two months or so.

but, 2. I NEED that paycheck. That's pretty much the money I live on, since essentially all of my salary from HOA goes entirely to rent and bills and loans. I live a very frugal, monkish existence. I don't need much. But I do need to eat and I do need things like toilet paper and dish soap and toothpaste. I used to pay for that stuff with my babysitting money. Not sure how I'm going to pay for it now.

I'm trying not to panic, but I'm already on SUCH a tight budget and I have nothing to lean back on. My savings is still very meagre; I'm trying hard to get together several months' worth of living expenses. As it stands if I lost my job on Monday, I'd be able to survive on my savings for about a month. Hopefully. I've been aggressively contributing as much of my paycheck as I can spare to that savings account, but I wasn't even able to open one until just before the holidays.

I hate the circumstances that landed me in this financial hell (not my fault at all, legitimately, but it's my problem now) and I hate feeling so insecure financially. I made enough money babysitting to cover my expenses with just a few hours of (very enjoyable) work. I'll get another job for the weekends, of course, but the prospect of going back to a lifestyle where I have NO days off at all is so depressing and frustrating. I'm hoping against hope I can pick up another babysitting job.

UGH UGH UGH. I hate this.

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 11:12 am
by Young Val
Dear Bob,

Sorry about the double post. This one, at least, should be a contrast in tone. I was going to start a new thread for this but then realized... I had no idea what the subject really is.

So, last night I baked my first loaf of bread from scratch. This is something I've been wanting to do for years. For years and years and years. I always found bread-making (especially sans bread machine) daunting.

However, it was a snap. 15 minutes of labor. Four hours of down time. And one heavenly loaf of bread. That I made myself. Which tastes and smells and looks OUT OF THIS WORLD.

This success has encouraged me to commit to another little idea I've been kicking around in the back of my head for ages, but never really had the guts to do. However, I am kicking ass and taking names in 2009. I'm sticking to my goals for health and wellness. I can feel myself becoming stronger, can feel my body responding to better nutrition. I am finding outlets for my creativity again. I'm just generally taking better care of myself and focusing on improving the quality of my life.

That's why I've decided to make as much of my own food as possible. Indefinitely.

I will never (I hope) buy store-bought bread again. Nor will I buy crackers, hummus, or herbs. And hopefully I'll be able to start growing my own vegetables in March with an Aerogarden (allow me to geek out for a moment--HOW COOL IS THAT THING?!). I can make all these things and more. They will be cheaper than store bought foods, I'll know exactly what goes into the things that I'm eating, and I love, love, love cooking. I think it's so rewarding and so very magical.

I also find it relaxing, which a lot of people don't. I think it's because it's such a different part of the brain than I use at work and things. I just find cooking very soothing.

I've also made my own pasta in the past, and would like to continue on with that as well. This is obviously going to be a slow weening process, but I am going to start with bread. I hereby banish store-bought bread from my home!

I think I'm also enchanted with the idea of simplifying my life a little bit more. Going back to basics. I need to seriously clean out my closet and weed through a lot of my possessions. I want to pare things down, get more organized, be invigorated and inspired by my surroundings!

David thinks I'm a little bit nuts, but he's romanced by the idea. He's the cynical one, so it will be up to me to keep the steam going for a little while, but his eyes lit up when he bit into the sandwich made on my whole wheat bread yesterday, and I had him totally hooked by the time I showed him the aerogarden and talked about all the crazy obscure herbs he could grow to toss in his fusion cooking.

We're having a dinner party on Friday night. We're making Indian food, which is David's specialty. He's doing the main courses potato curry, daal, and corn fritters. I'm in charge of the naan (my naan is to DIE for) and dessert. I've never made Indian dessert before, either traditional or influenced, so I'm going to be trolling for recipes this week. Then on Saturday I'm having a friend over to help me conquer the most impossible of all french pastries: the macaron. Sunday I'm hosting a Super Bowl party where I'll be making all my famous Sports Food including my super-delicious Buffalo Dip and homemade tortilla chips!

I'm so excited about taking my love for food one step further. I'm already learning how to eat food for nourishment and enjoyment--not just because I'm bored, or as reward, or punishment. I'm thrilled to take that lesson one step further and turn my love of cooking from a hobby into a lifestyle!

Cold not warm

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 12:01 pm
by buckshot
Dear Bob , I'ts a dragg up here , my tractor wont start , I'ts Fnnn... below zero and I had to go ice fishing yesterday just to get warm. Any one want to trade some hot desert acreage for a farm and feed mill in north Wash St.. ? :x

Re: Cold not warm

Posted: Mon Jan 26, 2009 11:39 pm
by Petra456
Dear Bob , I'ts a dragg up here , my tractor wont start , I'ts Fnnn... below zero and I had to go ice fishing yesterday just to get warm. Any one want to trade some hot desert acreage for a farm and feed mill in north Wash St.. ? :x
Where in Washington?

Re: Cold not warm

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 12:35 am
by Mich
Where in Washington?
I'm betting it's Colbert Washington.

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 9:05 am
by starlooker
Dear Bob,

I'm in a low self-esteem funk and have been for a few weeks.

I'm not happy about my work, my health, my body, my face, my intellect, my friendships, anything. I do not know why this is. I'm flaking out on people and things, I would be very annoyed with me if I were a friend of mine.

I'm very discouraged and unmotivated and ashamed to even start doing some of the things I know will help with this because I'm like, "Well, why didn't I start it sooner?"

I know, I know. I know it by heart. "A lot of times we get in the habit of waiting for our actions to follow our feelings, but sometimes it works the other way and our feelings follow our actions. So what's one thing you can do to make today a little better, Kirsten?"

Okay, good question. Let me get back to you.

Re: Cold not warm

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 11:39 am
by Petra456
Where in Washington?
I'm betting it's Colbert Washington.
I always forget we have stuff over there besides our pictures.


Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:40 pm
by buckshot
Colbert washington is just north of Spokane or the north east corner of the state. And I am still crying over the cold, when I got to the office at our feed mill ( another 9 mi north ) it was 4 below . I need to recreate somewhere warm , or else! : 8)

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:52 pm
by Petra456
Ah, i'm not all to familiar with the eastern side of the state (i'm hardly ever over there).

Re: cold

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 2:15 pm
by Jayelle
Colbert washington is just north of Spokane or the north east corner of the state. And I am still crying over the cold, when I got to the office at our feed mill ( another 9 mi north ) it was 4 below . I need to recreate somewhere warm , or else! : 8)
Boo freakin' Hoo.

It's -30 here today.

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 3:23 pm
by Mich
-11 up here.

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 5:53 pm
by locke
hey, it's cold in LA too, it's 64 out there! :(

Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 7:31 pm
by powerfulcheese04
It was 36 here today... which, I know, is nothing to what it's like up North...

BUT, I had to spend 2 hours outside drawing cow blood.

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:40 am
by Mich
hey, it's cold in LA too, it's 64 out there! :(
Yeah, my friend in San Diego was telling me how people were starting to wear turtlenecks and sweaters. He said he got weird looks for his shorts and sandals.

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 9:43 am
by Luet
My brothers wear shorts all winter long in upstate NY, even down to 30 degrees or so.

How cold in Winnipeg?

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:15 am
by buckshot
Does it stay that cold normally up there? It must be a trick to keep vehicles going ,or dealing with livestock.
``To be a champ you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will" - Sugar Ray Robinson

Re: How cold in Winnipeg?

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 12:05 pm
by Jayelle
Does it stay that cold normally up there? It must be a trick to keep vehicles going ,or dealing with livestock.
Ever heard of plugging a car in? Or a block heater? Antifreeze? That's how we deal with cold.

Cows... go in barns? I have no idea. I live in the city.

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:48 pm
by lyons24000
Is the baby keeping you up at night, Jayelle? Your posts are having more a sarcastic/irritated edge to them lately. :D

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 1:51 pm
by VelvetElvis
I have never heard of plugging a car in.

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:43 pm
by Luet
I've heard of plugging a car in...but maybe she didn't realize that America killed the electric car. :wink:

The coldest it has gotten here lately was about -16F and my husband's car wouldn't start, even with jumper cables. I think it has a cheap/old battery because mine started just fine.

And I have never heard of a block heater. I have however heard of antifreeze!

Chilly and cold

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:22 pm
by buckshot
Yes we in Backwater Washington have anti freeze and such, I'm just sic of the winter this year. nuff said.

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:43 pm
by daPyr0x
Luet: If your husbands car wouldn't start even with jumper cables (coming from a vehicle that's running) then the problem is not the battery, it's more likely heavier than recommended oil that slows everything down when it's that cold. And a block heater is basically just a big magnet with a power cord coming off it, stick it to the engine, plug it in, and the engine will be warm whenever you need it (and start much more easily than normal)


I'm living the life. After spending the first 20 years of my life pining over everyone else who "had it so much better" I'm finally seeing that maybe I'm the one who has it better. Even before meeting Angela. Up until recently, however, I've still found it very easy to get caught in the spiral of being jealous of those around me. After talking to a lot of people, though, I've come to the realization that I have everything those I used to envy want. Does that mean I have everything I want? Hell no. What kind of unfulfilling life would you be leading if you just had everything you wanted? No more "high" from treating yourself to something you've saved up for, no more excitement as you try and make something work out.

I guess my point is I'm done looking at the grass as being greener. Who cares what colour the neighbor's grass is, I'm just gonna figure out my own. Right now, it happens to be pretty damn green.


Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 4:04 pm
by Young Val
Dear Bob,

I'm emotionally hung-over from a completely left-field freak out I had last night for no discernible reason.

My printer won't work.

The deli guy who made my salad on my lunch break told me that dried cranberries have a lot of calories in them and was I absolutely sure I wanted them on my salad because, by the look of me, he would advise against it.

I don't know how I feel about this.

Can today be over, please?

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 6:49 pm
by starlooker
re: Plugging in a car.

In the northern plains areas, most buildings do have outlets for the purpose of plugging in a block heater. There will also be some stand alone places to plug in cars in parking lots where you would expect people to have to spend an extended amount of time.

There are very few people in those areas who do not have block heaters, actually. However, this may be waning as more and more people are getting autostarts for their car which will allow the car to turn on every hour or so without you having to get out and start it.

And, yes, older batteries tend to require more warmth to start. My battery made me so proud whenever it would start in -30 weather! My car loves the cold, hates the heat. Unfortunately for me nowadays.

In absence of a block heater or new battery, if you are mechanically inclined, I've heard of people actually removing the battery and taking it inside although I've never done it or actually seen it practiced.

Also, parking in a garage usually alleviates the necessity for plugging in.

Oh, and if you have a manual transmission, you can absolutely RUIN your clutch by trying to drive before it has warmed up enough.

[/end PSA]

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:03 pm
by Gravity Defier

Yesterday afternoon, my brother and his familia came over and my dog was excited by this. She took note of the fact that they were just waiting at the door and that they hadn't actually rung the doorbell or otherwise made their presence clear and acted accordingly. This means she sprinted back and forth between the door and the room I was in at the moment, trying to pull a Lassie and tell me that Timmy was at the door. This also means she tripped me and in an attempt to break my fall, I reached out...only I made a fist for some reason and it's hard to explain what happened, but my hand is still experiencing some pain, especially when I try to grab things that are heavier than a pound or two. Like a glass pan lid I was washing earlier...very painful to hold. Even holding the book I was reading yesterday was a bit painful.

And I had a terrible dream last night, that will probably sound less awful than it felt. In the dream, I was informed by a doctor that I was pregnant...problem being, I hadn't had sex. So I was walking around, seriously scared and told I couldn't have an abortion because they needed permission from the would-be father. For some reason, I decided to call Paul (Jeebsy) but he didn't answer, so I left a message. Still feeling scared, I gave it a few minutes then called back, and he actually answered that time. I made small talk at first, asked him what he was up to (playing video games), and then I told him what was wrong. He kind of went silent, then said something like, "Oh, f***." After I got off the phone with him, it was brought to my attention by someone else, doctor or police, I'm not sure, that I had been molested while asleep and that was how I became pregnant.

Have I mentioned that I have dreams, like this or worse, every single night and I am grateful when they happen earlier than the more pleasant ones or don't leave more than a lasting feeling of uneasiness when I wake up?

In less unhappy news, I have been keeping up with the dishes and I worked on the front yard some (weed whackers are fun, shovels less so, and sweeping is the bane of my existence), so I'm feeling a teeny bit productive today and that trumps the pained hand and the bad dream. :)

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:31 pm
by Petra456

I've been in such a cooking mood, I just hate all the cleaning that comes along with said mood. It hasn't helped at all that Kelly and Adam have been going on and on about all the amazing stuff they can make :P

I also haven't had enough chances to use my new blender/food processor. I want some good smoothie recipes. I want my own kitchen. I use to go to stores like Target and spend most of my time in the book or electronic isles, but lately it's all been the kitchen and home isles.

*sigh* Why are good pots and pans so expensive?

- Fred

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:34 pm
by Gravity Defier
*sigh* Why are good pots and pans so expensive?
Obviously it's to show you that cooking is just not worth it. It being time/money. :P

Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 11:45 pm
by Petra456
And not to mention the cost of all the ingredients. plus all the time it takes to clean up (is not a fan of kitchen cleaning at all!).

Cooking is an expensive habbit most of the time.

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 1:43 am
by zeroguy
The deli guy who made my salad on my lunch break told me that dried cranberries have a lot of calories in them and was I absolutely sure I wanted them on my salad because, by the look of me, he would advise against it.
...the hell? Just... out of the blue? Who the f*** does that?

Posted: Thu Jan 29, 2009 6:24 am
by Jebus
Is the baby keeping you up at night, Jayelle? Your posts are having more a sarcastic/irritated edge to them lately. :D
Canadians are fiercely proud of the fact that it gets very cold in their country (and here a lesser man than myself would point out that that would indicate they have little else to be proud about) and become irritated when other people can not take to it quite as well as they can.