Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[powerfulcheese04]

I enjoyed the new Bond movie.

mmmm... Daniel Craig.

[Valentine]

I enjoyed it. Not as great as Casino Royale, but all in all, it was really fun. I like Daniel Craig as James Bond, a lot.

I agree. gonna try to see Slumdog Millionaire tonight.

I hate you and your "LA gets movies on time" evilness. I'll probably see it in..a month?

[Rei]

Bob,

Part of me is wondering if I'm not deliberately pushing myself harder and harder on purpose. Am I just staying up late every night and getting up early because part of me wants to break? Or is it that I just can't imagine or remember life in any other way that this perpetual zombie-like state is almost comfortable? Either way, I don't think it is healthy. I need to start at least trying to sleep sometime. Sometime. What dreams may come.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I'm in one of those moods, apparently.

[swipes original content]

Better.

[locke]

I enjoyed it. Not as great as Casino Royale, but all in all, it was really fun. I like Daniel Craig as James Bond, a lot.

I agree. gonna try to see Slumdog Millionaire tonight.

I hate you and your "LA gets movies on time" evilness. I'll probably see it in..a month?

Is that when you're coming to LA or when you expect it to expand?

I missed it, I went to bed at 10:30 instead because I was very tired (now I am awake at a time when I'm usually going to bed and more rested than I have been in weeks, I think I'll finally watch that Buñuel I've had from netflix for three weeks). but I'm going to a matinee today, and if I squeeze it in, hopefully a matinee of "I loved you so Long" as well, heard such remarkable things about Kristen Scott Thomas' performance.

[Dink_Meeker]

Bob,

I wonder if OSC is Canadian. That would explain a lot.

[Valentine]

I'm dying to see I've Loved you So Long. I won't be in LA until summer, unless I need to interview in December. I'm just assuming that by then, it will have expanded her. We do have a decent theatre (that's how I've seen Rachel Getting Married and Happy Go Lucky); it just tends to be slightly slow on getting movies.

On a random note, I think I'm going to LOVE business law. Go figure.

[neo-dragon]

Bob,

I wonder if OSC is Canadian. That would explain a lot.

Except why he doesn't do signing tours here.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

You wanna know what irony is? I just wrote a big long Bob entry about wanting to be heard and not feeling that way with the people I'm around, and when I hit submit I got signed out and lost the entire post.

Even the internet doesn't wanna hear me, damnit.

--Cam

[VelvetElvis]

Dear Bob,
My medication makes me comment on things that aren't any of my business, it seems. I also don't CARE, because everything I've said I've wanted to say for a while. Look at me, Bob, trampling on others' feelings with impunity. I feel dangerous!
-Helen

[Valentine]

Bob,
I can't sleep, and we don't have the Insomniac VampireHunterD thread anymore. I could probably try a little harder, but it doesn't appear like it'll work regardless.
I guess I'll turn on some anime and hope to fall asleep to it!

[Wil]

Hey Bobby,

Isn't [THIS] just DEPRESSING?!

[Gravity Defier]

I didn't see anything to account for lesbians. The '…and also might like me' bit just seemed to talk about his attractiveness and personality. But you got to figure, some of those 18,000 are also not interested because of their sexuality.



Funnily enough, without doing any serious math, I've done the same thing but on a smaller scale (my hometown) multiple times. There are roughly 100,000 people here. Assuming about half are female, that leaves about 50,000 men. Considering this is a retirement community, a good portion of them are above 65. But, a pretty significant portion is under 18. It also is home to a military base, I think 5,000 in total, so a good part of the population is migratory. Guys my age aren't all single, blah, blah, blah. Anyway. I don't have numbers right now, but I think I concluded that there was no dating pool here. Or at least, a very shallow one.

ETA: I should add, I have a backup plan, though it hinges on whether or not my partner in crime has the same problem as me. See, we're doing a My Best Friend's Wedding thing. If we're both single at 40, his, not mine, we'll marry each other. Works for me; he's pretty much my standard for male decency and he's not too hard on the eyes. Of course, that means he'll really have no problem with finding a woman. *sigh*

[locke]

indeed, he should probably eliminate another 10% for sexual preference.

But then he also needs a pair of 'settling' multipliers, one for him, and another for girls. It is hilarious that he gives his own beauty bias two standard deviations, but for the girls he only gives them one. apparently the girls should not have equal standards that he has or even higher standards than he has.

Also there's a remarkable consistency towards people finding girlfriends/boyfriends within the community they're part of, whether it's work, recreation, religion or school. surely the brain isn't constantly adjusting our perceptions of people right? surely our brain is always consistent in how it judges despite the circumstances, right?

Bob,

meh is officially in the dictionary now, but I don't think heh has made it yet.

[locke]

Bob, I had a box from amazon sitting on the stoop, I'm somewhat sure it wasn't there when I left, meaning my roommates all left it there overnight. How very kind of them, glad it wasn't stolen, I guess I won't bother to bring in their packages either. except I still will. sigh.

Also in the box, one of the cds has a broken case, it's a present for my mom, so I'm wondering if I should open, replace the case and give it to her opened. but I'm rationalizing that because I want to rip it to my computer as well, and if I open it, I know I'll rip it. :p

that box means more than fifty percent of my christmas shopping is done. hooray.

also I got a ticket to the big 12 championship game.

[Valentine]

Bob,
I just applied at HGTV for spring internships. I'm pretty sure they're unpaid, but it's experience, so I won't complain. It's here in Knoxville, TN, and they have marketing internships. I really hope they contact me, because I'd love marketing specific experience at a television studio.
...I also applied as a PA. LOL. I figure if they won't be able to give me the marketing job, I surely have the experience to PA. And that's paid. *shrugs*
Gah, I'm running on less than 4 hours sleep, and I'm supposed to go out tonight I hope I can pull through.

[Valentine]

Bob,
I am so lazy! I whined last weekend about not being invited, but this weekend everyone's going to wine night and I'm tired!!! Gah, but if I don't go, I feel I'll be excluded even more. What to do, what to do!

[locke]

Bob, urgh, I think I slept last night, I'm not especially aware of the time frame from 7:30 to 11:30 but from 11:30 until 4:00 I wasn't sleeping, for the most part I was laying in my bed, not sleeping. my brain racing, little being able to slow it down. finally I slept from about 4:00 to 4:30, but still, urgh. this is why I hate that I slept eleven hours the night before, I didn't want as much sleep.

Plus I didn't finish everything at work last night, which is like the first time I've done that this year, and naturally I got a call from my boss at two wondering about that. that sort of thing always makes me think I'm going to be fired, I very probably won't be but it still makes me nervous. and it seems an even more clear signal to me to get out get out get out and try to get that position/show I really desperately want to be a part of. I'm going to try for it, which is more than I would have done a year ago.

which I think is related to the lying around awake all night: I have no one to talk to. the last three years I had a girlfriend for a few weeks to two months in december, october and november respectively. this year, nada, mostly because I didn't go looking for one. I must admit that a big part of looking for a girlfriend those three years was sex, actually pretty much the only part. I'd never got any from my first (and only long term) girlfriend, and I'd gotten somewhat desperate, two of the relationships lasted long enough for that to happen. But in a sense I feel I've matured, because I'm not looking to just hook up with a girl, I'm craving something quite a bit more and much more substantial. I want the companionship more, the warm body to curl up against and the mind/personality/spirit to bounce mine off of and find reassurance and skepticism and encouragment and challenging me further. bah. that seems entirely too sappy. be a lot easier if I just wanted sex, finding something more is considerably more difficult.

clearly I spent far too much time alone with my thoughts last night. and now I have to get in my car and go to work, I don't want to go to work I feel like I just left work. I always feel like I just left work. :/

[locke]

rereads previous post...

Bob,
apparently insomnia makes me talkative. :/

otoh, I felt much better when I turned on my car and the first line blared out of the stereo was a favorite humorous line from a recent song. lots of good upbeat songs on the radio mix tonight, it was a nice counterpoint to the gloomy economic news on the radio.

ETA, I talked to my boss about being a reference as I apply for other jobs, to my relief he was not upset or surprised but gave a definitive absolutely with a grin. That was fantastic, glad the chore of asking about that is out of the way. Tomorrow is thursday hollywood reporter, I'm going to walk to the corner barrons and pick one up, since I missed last week, hopefully A Game of Thrones is listed by now, if not I have means of getting their fax number anyway.

[Confessions]

good god make it stop. make it all stop. i am SICK of it all, all the games all the hell and I am so f****** sick of getting up and dancing to their f****** tune. i am not a puppet and i am not their toy to see how hard they can throw it to the pavement before it breaks. five years of this and it's enough now i've had it. see if i go to another battle that they call a day another class another assignment another f****** hellish running through and expecting me to carry on happily and well and I am sick and tired of it and it needs to stop

i'm going for the gate as soon as i find it

[Valentine]

Bob,
Being drunk makes me so talkative. Seriously, I wonder why I go out sometimes. I have a great time, but by time I get home, I'm like, "What did I SAY???"Argh.
-Nicole

[Petra456]

Bob,

Some days just suck.

[Gravity Defier]

Hey, Bob-O!

I was having a very...blah sort of day after bad/short sleep, following an emotional night (thanks to a book at first) and then I checked my email, got something from FOB and noticed they're doing shows!! San Diego on the 20th of next month. If I can get some tickets, I would be giddier than should be possible because not only would it be another FOB concert, my little brother would be able to go with me. He's the only person I know who can appreciate them properly with me. Cross your fingers for me, Bob, because I want this badly enough that I'll put the order in for my cell contract to be canceled to be able to buy these tickets. *super-über-happy dance*



Okay, so the weird thing is, my being excited for even just this possibility is not replacing the blah but rather masking it for now. I'll be back in here much later tonight, more than likely.

ETA starts here.

Here now, Bob feels safer than the last time I tried and the excitement from earlier has mostly dissipated for the time being. I'm just not sure where to start. Perhaps with last night.

I was reading a book, which one isn't important, and one of the main characters died. It was stated, outright at one point, that this would happen so I wasn't surprised...but I was still unbearably sad when it finally happened, on the last page of the last book in this series. I could feel the pressure of that sadness building up in my chest; that heavy, oppressive, ache that signaled I was about to cry. Only, I couldn't.

I just sat there, at 4:48 am, no one but me awake and so no one to bear witness to it should I start crying; this is really all I ever ask when I feel the need to cry, that no one see or hear me. And I just couldn't let go and cry.

It got me thinking about how long it has been since I had a good, long cry. You see, Bob, it's cathartic for me and it's the main way I deal with extreme stress/anger/whatever, much the same way some people exercise, hit walls, journal. I've shed a fear, minuscule tears over some movies lately but nothing serious (as it should be, they're just movies after all).

Unless I'm having a lapse in memory, I haven't done it since August. I remember the second to last time was early August, when I found out my dad was applying for (and would get) the position here, which meant I had to come back. I had called my little brother, angry and annoyed at my dad at first for dragging me up there only to make me come back and before I knew it, I was crying. Only, I was silently heaving on my end and hoping he wouldn't recognize it for what it was; he did, of course.

The second time was later that month. It was 2something or other in the morning, my dad was going to be knocking on the door in a few hours for our run and I hadn't been able to fall asleep. It was too late for anyone to be awake or the people I knew that were awake...I needed them but I didn't trust them. (That's how everyone, practically, is for me right now. I let myself need them but I can't bring myself to trust them.) I felt very isolated. I guess I couldn't/can't complain, since I had/have a lot to do with that.

I haven't cried like that, not since then. I've slept, I've avoided sleep, I've read, listened to music, called people, avoided calling people or answering calls, watched movies...

Last night, or rather, this morning, I took out my MP3 player and put on the most depressing playlist I had and still no reaction beyond the ache that signaled I wanted to cry.

Here's why I just want to get it out, Bob: my niece broke her nose in a car accident because her mom is too stupid/lazy to get her a proper childseat and use it. My dad is telling things that I wish he wouldn't to the woman he's living with, who happens to be my former step-mother and the one he cheated on my mom with. My sister-in-law is just being...horrible about her problems with my brother. Hell, she's being pretty horrible to me in general; I'm good enough for her when she needs a babysitter (often, like today, a few days ago, twice last week) or when she wants to borrow one of my movies or needs someone to bitch to about my brother. Otherwise? I can't do anything right (surprise, surprise, my brother can't either). I'd say something but she's good at taking my nephews away for months at a time when she's pissed off. My friends are not grasping the concept that I can't spend money like I could before...I'm invited to dinner tomorrow. I think I will draw a diagram of some sort that shows me exchanging money for food, since words aren't working. My mom is getting downright fed up with my nightly walks and I understand but I need them; they're the best part of my day.

Anyway. I always feel guilty writing this much in here, saying the things I do. It's just, when you feel as alone as I do, as often as I do, you talk to the people/person you most trust, the reliable one(s). 5 years and running, Bob, you're always there...except for that two weeks when you weren't, but I forgive you.

[locke]

Bob,

went to the screening tonight, three of the four were excellent, course, I'm biased about one of them as I worked on it and it's always a pleasure to see my name on the big screen. barring some technical difficulties it was a fun time.

She was there, I half suspected she might be, I half went half suspecting she'd be there. And I got away with it essentially, said hi, how are you, gotta go. which seems like the right thing but I wonder if I should have stayed and talked more. Probably not. it's not a gaping wound anymore, but it still hurts just seeing her, although I see her more dispassionately now, from a distance almost, colder analyzing myself, noting behaviors that made me naturally like her in the first place and how those are correlated with other behaviors I'd grown accustomed to with another girl I loved. Still not sure if it was just a rebound, for being a nothing it hurts a lot more than other things that weren't a nothing. Perhaps that's why. I still wonder sometime if we'll keep crossing paths like Harry and Sally but I dismiss this as both foolish, dumb, and more than a little horrifying. I sort of hate that hope/speculation crops up at all as it f****** with my brain/feelings/heart entirely too much. Groundhogs Day was a very wise movie, I think it would have taken me thousands of tries before I ever got it right, I managed to do so many things wrong, put my foot in my mouth over and over, and basically just want to reach out and smack the giant oaf that my past self was (and still is) firmly in the head. repeatedly. was there a sense of finality in my reaction tonight? I was actively searching for it, so if I found it I suspect the result is not accurate, however I think I have moved on another step of the way at least. More or less recovered. I hope. Bah.

ETA I dozed a bit and I feel a bit better, but if I try to think back on it I start to feel those feelings again so it's best not to think and just ignore it.

Still fighting off an insanely strong impulse to write her a letter.

Oddly, had we ever gotten together last year when the oppurtunity presented itself a second time, I don't think I would have got the American Idol job. part of my sell line to land the job was, "I'm fine with working nights, cause I don't have a girlfriend who'll get pissy about it."

Why it has taken me more than a year to realize that I have no clue

and I missed an opportunity to ask a guy who works at HBO about that pilot. damn. but he's film division anyway and probably doesn't know anyway, and it wasn't the opportune moment to ask it, had I stayed for the afterparty I would have asked.

ETA: My life needs a business plan

[Wil]

Bob,

She's not eating. She's not even wanting to move. She's just laying there, getting weaker and weaker, and nothing I say or do makes her want to change that. I can't make her eat, I can't make her get up and walk. She just continues to say she can't eat, she can't move, and that she is in pain. I know she can eat; she just doesn't want to. I know she can move, she just doesn't want to. I know she isn't in as much pain as she was because she doesn't act like it. I don't know what to do, as always. The weird, depressing, thing is that I just kind of put it out of my mind when I'm not directly dealing with her. It's so damn hard that I just block it out and pretend it isn't happening. Its easier this way, I think, but probably not a healthy thing to do.

*sigh*

Oh, she started "talking" to me [again]. Quotes because, really, it isn't talking. It's just me talking to a robot it seems like. No offense, I love you (in a friendly way), but you're so dull to talk to... and you haven't changed at all in that regard. It's not a bad thing, it's just a you thing. I ask questions, you answer them, and unless I ask another question the conversation is over just like that. It's more of a chore than a mutual exchanging of words and ideas. I don't know if that means we just have nothing in common at all or you just don't have anything to say. None the less, I enjoy that you're willing to talk to me again. *shrugs*

Three weeks to go and school is over for this semester. Registering for next semesters classes: Pre-calc/Trig, Conceptual Physics, Intro to Unix, Database Concepts and SQL, and I hopefully will make it in to the Hist 102 class I want. Doing this makes me realize just how many more classes I'll need to take to get this silly Associates, and then I still have a Bachelors to get. Such a long and lonely road...

This concludes the monthly test of the emergency broadcast system.

[locke]

bob,

I fixed a light fixture with crochet needles, some thoughtfulness and a little ingenuity.

rawr. I am awesome.

[Luet]

Do you mean knitting needles? Those are the long, straight pointy ones that come in pairs. Crochet implements are "hooks" and you only use one to crochet. But either way, congrats on not electrocuting yourself!

[locke]

crochet hooks, I needed the hooks to fit through the screw holes and pull the cam plate back into the proper alignment.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I've been meaning to write for a while. A lot of things have been going on and it's had me in a few swings. But for once, I want to talk about positive things.

My friend Dan invited me to go to open mic nights around downtown Toronto with him. He's a musician and is looking for places he can perform some. As I'm driving down to pick him up, I'm thinking to myself about how cool of an experience it must be to perform up on stage, and how cool it would be to get up there once with him and do a song or a set or something. That was actually my thought process the whole night, because as much as I try to fight it it really is a dream of mine. Well, as we're driving home he offers it to me. So now I'm trying to figure out how I to make that happen. How to find songs that are doable, well, and practicing to the point that I'd feel remotely comfortable with them.... And then actually doing it... Oh god, my heart skips a beat thinking about it.

So anyways, Dan and I go to two open mic nights the night we go out. The first place we go to we hang out at for a bit, waiting for the open mic to start, and then see the first couple acts. The place was night, the open mic garbage, so we decided to move on. The next place we get to wins pretty much from the get go. The sound is good, the setup works well, and the performers pretty decent. Dan and I both agree this is a great place and he decides he's going to try playing there. Then, then I see her. Yes, yes, an italicized her. I notice her as shes heading up on stage. While I notice many women, few really strike me as intriguing, and she most certainly did. Not your movie star gorgeous, but beautiful, and natural. She sits down at a piano on stage, sings 3 songs (all her own, but one "remixed" with some Alecia Keys), beautifully. Then she gets up, says thanks, and walks away. "Her," I say to myself, "I need to meet her." I didn't, not that night, but I'm banking on the hope that she's a regular there and I can catch her another time. I don't do this sort of thing with women. I usually have a thousand different reasons against anyone by the time we make eye contact, but not her. Dan assures me that he's going to get to talking to her when he's there performing to get me in. Another reason to keep going to these open mic nights eh? We'll see how that plays out...

On another note, I've been thinking lately of taking an improv class. I've always heard they do great things for your self confidence, and they can be great places to meet people. While I can't find any places for this anywhere local, I did find a place that looks quite good downtown. Downtown's an excellent place for something like that. I found out that Saturday evenings they do free 1hr sessions that are open to anyone, so I've decided I'm going to go. Couple that with a recent discovery downtown of a very desirable (to me) place to go called a vapor lounge and I think my Saturday evenings are going to become a blast. And it even leaves me out early enough to check out the Toronto night life.

I intend on getting in to an actual improv class in the near future. When I can get a little more settled in wherever I'm gonna be. This whole improving my social ineptitude and self confidence drive my life has taken lately is a really good trend for me. I have some excellent friends in both Dan and my older brother that both know of this whole "journey" I've undertaken, and they continually push me to get myself out there. I know I need it, though I resist. I really feel that it's a positive direction to push my life in. Not to mention that I could meet myself some really cool women in the process.

Lately I've been kinda thinking of my life, where it's going, and who I'm becoming. And you know something? I'm starting to really like who I'm turning out to be. I'm on my way to becoming exactly who I want to be and even though I'm nowhere near there yet, I feel good, proud, to be going that way. My car's paid off soon, and the rest of my debt hopefully shortly thereafter. I'm going to keep working on my confidence and social skills, hopefully doing an improv course. School next September. I mean, all of it really adds up to "this is who I want to be."

I bitch and moan a lot, but really, I'm doing pretty well right now. Maybe there's something to be said for pot use to help with depression...

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

My brother is a pain in my backside. I was very much exhausted after a long night last night and a long day today, both involving lots of uncomfortable kneeling, standing, and sitting positions as I worked on my latest project...which, by the way, has turned out to be more work than I expected. But back to my brother for a moment; I was asleep for maybe an hour when he gets back from his friend's and starts banging around and making generally too much noise. I am now too annoyed to fall back asleep.

Now, going back to this project. So far I have spent 16 hours -7 on Saturday, going into Sunday, and then 9 on Sunday after waking up- on this and I'm constantly worried I'm going to mess up what I've done so far. You'd think, at 16 hours, I'd have a masterpiece or that I'd at least be close to done. Mm, nope. I have drawn, outlined, painted (oil paint has lived up to its name...very oily, doesn't really dry, and gets everywhere), re-outlined, glued, written messages, and addressed. I still have to glue some more, glitter, tape, and then, in a week or two, send. My fingers have been stained red, I currently hate sequins, and have more of that to look forward to tomorrow. But, my mom likes it so far. She thinks I should keep it and send people store-bought ones instead. I must say, I'm tempted, but more out of fear of it turning out lame.

Anyway. Minus the stupid brother, the other stuff is really a good set of problems as it is keeping me busy.

ETA: What is with the men in my family? I was only asleep for 5.5 hours or so when my dad called me, told me he needed help and to get ready, and then proceeded to not show up.

[Valentine]

Cameron,
You should definitely take an improv class. They're some of the most fun things in the entire world, plus I really do think it'd be great for self confidence. Especially self confidence in performing. Good luck with finding a good one!

[locke]

Bob, for a long time reading you scared me, and I didn't even really understand how to use you. Thanks for understanding anyways, maybe we will be better friends and I might be capable of opening up more in the futuer. I have no trouble reading you now, but younger me was so often totally intimidated by you, but I'm not avoiding you anymore buddy.

Adam

[locke]

Bob,

urgh I am still tired despite sleeping sooo much the past few days. I half wonder if I'm getting sick or if it is just the transition is f****** with me more than usual. blahrg. I'm going for a walk, maybe then I will feel better.

[zeroguy]

For some reason I started reading through Penny Arcade. I never really got into it... but for some reason for the past few days I'm just finding some strips really awesome. And now it's starting to waste all my time, like many other comics...

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I had a VERY bad day, I miss David a lot and am feeling ridiculously lonely, and I have realized fully that this is no longer my home. I want to go back to New York desperately. Not even for the city itself. It's just that that is where my life is now. I've been such a wreck all day, and what I really need--andhave been fighting off--is a good long cry. But I feel stupid and selfish for wanting/needing that emotional release, because I'm so very happy with my life. Today has just been hard and I am lonely and let down by the people here and just really need a hug and... I just....need to cry. For a good long while. And just purge it all and have it over and done with.

But I can't let go.

The funny thing is, Thanksgiving was actually great this year. I had a really lovely holiday. But today was another story.

Oh, and also? It's (technically) November 29th. Great.