Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Young Val]

Zero: I KNOW. I was appalled. (I got the damn cranberries on my salad anyway, though).

Alea: I had a dream about being pregnant last night, too! Only mine was more of a positive thing (how creep-tastic is THAT?!). Although I had to give birth to the baby in a clinic beneath my apartment. Odd.

Fred: The thing about expenses and cooking is that, yes, initially ingredients will be expensive because you need to build up staples first. So all the spices and flour, sugar, butter, salt, honey, vinegar, oil, and other things like that, especially if you have to buy them all at once, at going to cost a lot. But they last so long!

I probably had to spend about $20 to get the ingredients to bake my wheat bread. BUT. From those same ingredients I'll be able to bake at LEAST 15 loaves of bread, in not more, without spending another dime. Once you have your basic stock supplies, cooking is drastically less expensive. It's also cheaper to eat seasonally.

But before I start sounding too much like a cooking class...


Bob,

please, please, please just let today be quick and painless. I just want to get home and make my blood orange tart with salted caramel so I can freeze it over night and have it be ready to go for the dinner part tomorrow.

and please let the salad guy be nice to me today.

[daPyr0x]

Is the baby keeping you up at night, Jayelle? Your posts are having more a sarcastic/irritated edge to them lately.

Canadians are fiercely proud of the fact that it gets very cold in their country (and here a lesser man than myself would point out that that would indicate they have little else to be proud about) and become irritated when other people can not take to it quite as well as they can.

I tend to get amused rather than irritated. I watched a guy break his ice remover yesterday trying to get the ice off his car (because he was using it upside down), and then watched somebody else struggle to get his car out of his parking spot by spinning the wheels as fast as it would let him. Hilarious!!!

[Luet]

Bob,

I went to the dentist today for the first time in 2.5 years. I don't currently have dental insurance (I could but it's expensive and not very good), which is why I've put it off. I have 3 cavities but it's not my fault, really! I swear, I think a big part of it is genetic. My brother has had 1 cavity his whole life and I have had like 20, and we follow the same general dental hygiene routine. He got the good teeth genes. The cavities are in my wisdom teeth, which yes, I still have at 32yo. Two of these are so big that they recommend getting the teeth removed at this point. Which also means removing the opposing (bottom) wisdom teeth as well, because otherwise they would be closing against empty space. SIGH. I have an appt next week for a free consultation to find out more about the extraction. It shouldn't be too complicated since none are impacted. Estimate is $100-300 per tooth. The good news is that my teeth and gums are overall in very good shape. Um...yay?

[locke]

Bob,

I have a new niece! Anna Kay. she has red hair, don't know the other stats yet though.

[Rei]

Congratulations, Adam!

[Mich]

Bob,

I have a new niece! Anna Kay. she has red hair, don't know the other stats yet though.

Let's hope she rolled well.

[Petra456]

Fred: The thing about expenses and cooking is that, yes, initially ingredients will be expensive because you need to build up staples first. So all the spices and flour, sugar, butter, salt, honey, vinegar, oil, and other things like that, especially if you have to buy them all at once, at going to cost a lot. But they last so long!

I probably had to spend about $20 to get the ingredients to bake my wheat bread. BUT. From those same ingredients I'll be able to bake at LEAST 15 loaves of bread, in not more, without spending another dime. Once you have your basic stock supplies, cooking is drastically less expensive. It's also cheaper to eat seasonally.

I really can not wait until I have my own kitchen and can start getting all the staples I need to start making things on a regular basis.

[zeroguy]

I tend to keep emails in my inbox as a reminder of things I still need to do or that just aren't finished yet, and move them elsewhere when I don't need to think about them anymore. Usually I keep it down around 10-20; yesterday I think it legitimately went over 100 for the first time (after cleaning out stuff, and not including things moved by automatic filters that still needs to be handled).

f****** hell.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Here it is short and sweet: I need to not have access to AIM or Pweb after midnight. I say/do some pretty stupid s*** late at night/early in the morning that embarrasses the crap out of me when I wake up.

[elfprince13]

Bob,

Here it is short and sweet: I need to not have access to AIM or Pweb after midnight. I say/do some pretty stupid s*** late at night/early in the morning that embarrasses the crap out of me when I wake up.

This sentiment should be expanded to the internet in general. <_<



Dear Bob,
It's been nearly 3 months since I've seen her in person. This is too long. I really need to get a job and make some money, but all the ones I've applied to are taking forever to respond (and told me they would). I didn't realize how long "a week to three weeks" actually is when you're waiting for an important letter. Hopefully I'll be able to eat some of Dad's frequent flier miles and accompany him when he goes out there for a week to work on the research project I've been helping with. I'm still upset at her parents for being so obstinate about Christmas after we spent a year and a half planning that trip.

[Rei]

Bob,

I really need a sounding board for some of my phonology homework. I'm required to develop theory, but I'm never sure if I'm completely out there, or if there's small bits that I'm leaving out that need to be considered.

~Rei

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

It's been a productive month for me, or so I like to tell myself. It's not gone unnoticed by my parents, either, so maybe there's something to it.

I wish I could list all the things I've done, give myself another pat on the back, this time using the written word versus mentally listing it or talking to my parents.

But the list might look small and not convey the hours of sometimes literal sweat and tears I've put into it. It might give the wrong impression, or worse, the right one. It definitely won't show the struggle, inside my own head and with my family, who seem to be sabotaging my efforts to comfort myself the only way I have left to do it. Why they do it when it's ultimately to their benefit, I don't know.

Today, god, today I was on fire. I did, did, did...kept on doing until I thought there would be nothing left to do tomorrow, and then did some more yet. Don't worry, Bob. There's stuff to do tomorrow.


Bob, I'm fighting the urge to cut my losses and run. I think, I hope, I'll make it to church next Sunday. Awful, that I only go when I'm feeling particularly guilty or hopeless or restless or confused...but that's the kind of person I am. Maybe it'll help me figure things out, maybe not, but it's worth a shot.

A word I've been uttering way too much as of late but that has felt appropriate nonetheless: fuuuuck.

[Jebus]

Welcome to Splitsville.

Population: My parents.

[locke]

Bob, feeling particularly upset this morning, about a girl I know around town I've been interested in for several months. met a friend for lunch who said this. "you can't keep emotions out of your decisions, but if you let the emo brain take over it turns spilled milk into butter." which I found amusing and appropriate.


ETA and a couple of hours later and a clarifying conversation things are less emo in Adam land.

lol, only now I"ve got nothing to complain about, and I need to find something. curses.

I should remember my own history more clearly, I was definitely thinking too much about myself in this situation. In the past it took me a long time to recover from a long relationship, paritially because I didn't cut off contact for quite a while, and here I was, quite unaware that I wasn't even thinking of my own experience that would let me empathize and understand more clearly what she was trying to express to me. having been through that, I understand it, I think, and it was quite impossible of me to ask someone to do what I myself could not, to jump into another relationship so soon after leaving one, even if the last months of the one left were rocky and upsetting and perhaps emotionally abusive (speaking of my own experience on that last note, not the girl I've been seeing).

feeling quite humbled, it is amazing the degrees to which idiocy and emotion and pigheadedness hand in hand can convince us we've been wronged when in fact nothing of the sort has happened. I know about my 'vain brain' to quote the book club book, but despite my best efforts I still couldn't see how it was deceiving me completely, I only knew I was deceiving myself and conflating things too much. Thank goodness I didn't act out one of my stupider impulses. Luckily I had terrific counsel in the form of two of my friends.


---
ETA2 and xkcd comes through with the epic win and perfect timing to match my life. I'm not embedding the image cause you need to read the mouse over too, to get why I find it so very amusing.
http://www.xkcd.com/539/

[VelvetElvis]

Welcome to Splitsville.

Population: My parents.

It's a club. And you can't be in it until you're in it.

[Rei]

Ouch...

Bob,

Isn't it great how someone can be exhausted and falling asleep all day, and as midnight rolls around, be very awake and exceeding in energy?

It's great. Really.

~Rei

[buckshot]

Dear Bob, I did something terrible! I not so accidently looked at the "Girly Stuff" thread. So OK I was curious ,I hoped for maybe some hot pweb chicks comparing , well anyway now i'm a mess Bob, I cant eat, sleep, or even drink now! I could have lived my whole life without reading what little I did, I guess you just can't unlearn such things. Can you help me Bob? I think I need therapy!!!

"Ultimately the purpose of a flogging is to inflict pleasure"

[Jayelle]

Welcome to Splitsville.

Population: My parents.

I'm sorry to hear that, Jebus. *hugs*

[Luet]

I'm sorry too, Jeebs. *hugs*

[Rei]

Bob,

I put arch supports in my boots, and my feet... they've stopped hurting! They've been in pain for weeks no matter what I wear and suddenly they're not! This is very exciting!

~Rei

[elfprince13]

Bob,

I put arch supports in my boots, and my feet... they've stopped hurting! They've been in pain for weeks no matter what I wear and suddenly they're not! This is very exciting!

~Rei

It also helps to train yourself to step correctly so you don't destroy your arches and your lower back with every step.

[Rei]

Yeah... my feet positions suck... I really should look into prescription orthotics. If I could just lindy or charleston everywhere I'd be fine...

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

A good friend just made me chuckle, without saying a word directly to me. So I will relax now and try to maturely discuss the problem instead of resorting to the B.S. I tend to pull. The anger and frustration is okay; the expressing it like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum, not so much.

I woke up feeling much the way I feel right now, which is what I wrote to the above mentioned friend in a DY: that I could stop talking to everyone I know and it wouldn't be noticed, or if it was, it wouldn't touch them.

This caused a slight lack in my motivation, but I figured I'd take a short break where I didn't think about a thing...just sit and let something be directed at me. TV was what I needed just then. Were I to lie down, I'd just try to sleep the time away and I've learned I can't out-sleep certain feelings. Music was making me think more and reading would require more attention than I could give just then. TV it was.

Only my brother was watching it. Slightly annoying, but nothing too big.

I went outside to water the yard, something I do by hand every single day because it relaxes me to be outside, breathing in all that fresh air and to feel the sun beating down on me.

My brother had already watered it. Okay, I had been asking for help around the house so I couldn't get annoyed by this...it could have been a nice gesture.

But I know this brother. He does things for people so that he can cash out on them later. That favor he figured I owed him was babysitting my niece so he could go take care of the latest scandal he's gotten himself into. It's a real doozy, too. Without sharing the whole story, it involves $250,000, a married woman (who is now in jail and soon to be divorced), drugs, and her angry husband. You know you want to hear that whole thing, eh? It's not so much the babysitting that pisses me off; it's the assumption that I will and the attitude that I owe it to my brothers whenever they need it.

He also asked to get into the garage; I am the only person who has the key because I'm the only one responsible enough to not lose it (including my mother) and I spent who knows how much time straightening the thing out, unlike other members of my family. He wanted in so he can lend out things I need to who the hell knows. So tomorrow and however many days after it takes to get the stuff back, I won't be able to work on my yards unless I want to go blade by blade, on my hands and knees.

My other brother is taking online classes, but does not have internet and so he has to come here a few times a week to complete his assignments. He usually brings his wife and my nephews. His wife was talking to me and told me they're going to use part of their tax refund to buy recliners and go to SeaWorld. Right...they don't need those things. I do, however, need the money I lent them last May or June, while he was working and I was not. If that money is going to be spent, I think I'd like some say in where it is spent.

My nephews and niece (who is here for a few weeks while her mother, who is not working, is doing court sanctioned community service thanks to her DUI)...I love them but they are out of control, thanks to their wonderful parents. [/sarcasm] They are all angry, aggressive children (one threw a sizable rock at me when my back was turned) and I'm trying to keep in mind that this is not their fault and to be patient with them but I can't help getting angry when their lazy ass parents think the trick to parenting is to sit and yell, let things escalate, yell louder from their seats, and then, once someone has hurt one of the others, themselves, or broken something, get up and say something entirely unhelpful, like "I told you to behave."

So these angry little monsters of mine, whom I love dearly, did some lovely damage that I will have to take care of tomorrow. Just to give an idea, they hung on our curtains by the back door and now that rod is bent. and they threw handfuls of dirt into my dining room and you just know their parents yelled at them but did nothing to stop them or clean it up. They're just kids, let it go, I try to tell myself. Not working. Maybe I'll laugh tomorrow when I'm cleaning.

Typing this all out, it all seems so stupid...like how could I possibly let that stuff piss me off? Boil it down and it's basically I didn't get to watch tv or water my lawn, money that is owed to me is being wasted, I am forced to babysit, and some children made a mess in my yard/house.

It's just that it never stops. I have no control over even the most basic things living here. I'm restless and frustrated and stuck. My 9 month mark was Monday, and that just added to the feeling that maybe I'm doomed to a life of disappointment and being controlled, all as I watch the people I know move on to bigger and better things. Seriously. Everyone I know, it seems, are having all these things fall into place for them and I'm wondering if I was Hitler in a past life.

If it counts for anything, Bob, I'm making an honest effort to not be so...me. Or less bad-me, anyhow.

[human.]

Bob,

He's Just Not That Into You... So good.

[locke]

bob,

being a lead assist means having to be a leader. duh, right. well it's not something I'm especially well practiced at or experienced at. I'm making mistakes left and right but mostly it seems to be me dwelling on them. I really need to learn how to do this leading thing/supervising thing better. it's sort of like being a boss but not really. lol. I have to take better notes during the day of things to tell the night people. I need to keep track of everything going on. and I have to up my multitasking skills again. I have to work faster I feel like I"m slower and less productive than everyone else, though I'm not, I'm often working more than them. still, I am suspicious. I have cut down my internet surfing at work severely. this is the only forum I keep an eye on during work now, which is good. still. I feel like I'm on a precipice and only a banana peel away from certain disaster. but not really, I'm only moderately stressed about work, lol. I think I could do a better job, and the way to do that is to be a leader. ugh. I don't really have the assertive personality for that though. I wish I'd started the show a week earlier so the other day assist (a swing shift) didn't seem like she was a step ahead of me alot of the time, I feel like I"m in competition with her and need to be able to do more than her and better than her and faster than her. :-p heh. I'm half convinced everyone thinks I"m some sort of slacker screw up--although I know it's not true.

but yeah, work is actually going good, that's probably why I'm worried, I don't want to be too passive about it all. so I feel I need to up the ante or something.

[Luet]

Dear Bob,

I want this to be over. I should have fought the urge to write because it was mostly okay but I just had to write again to get something off my chest and she wrote back and the one line just stuck in my craw and I feel like I'm right back there again. I really wanted to leave it be but somehow it felt like if I didn't respond, then it would seem like I agreed with what she said. I know, it's so stupid. Why do I care what she thinks? She is not my best friend anymore. She is not my friend. She is not anything. And yet I still don't want her to think that I, in any way, agree with or condone that particular theory.

This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I don't want this to continue. I don't want to get worked up over one line that insinuates something about my character from someone who doesn't even know me anymore (and maybe never did). I don't want racing thoughts every night and less appetite than usual and this constant feeling of unease. I want my measure of peace back.

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs Nomi*

[powerfulcheese04]

Oh, Nomi... I've been worrying about you since that started.

*hugs*

[locke]

dear roommate, I know you're not the brightest bulb around, but seriously, don't flip the master power breaker for the entire apartment when only one breaker has flipped. jeez.

dear you, I can't wait to hear what you think of my project.

[Young Val]

::::hugs Nomi::::

You know I'm around if you want to talk.

[Luet]

Thanks everyone, so much. It really helps to know that you guys are here for me. *hugs*

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Do you know what's wonderful? Walking in the door an hour later than expected because you had a very long day at work, and right as soon as you walk in to the apartment building you smell something really yummy and as you walk up the stairs and across the building you keep thinking, "Oh, gosh, please let that be my apartment! I hope that's my apartment!" and when you get to your apartment you get greeted with hugs, kisses, spaghetti, garlic bread, and coke and rum in a frosted glass. That's what's wonderful.

[locke]

Bob

work is getting stressful, my project awaits me when I come home, I am joining the Y after the upcoming paycheck and have a ton of movies to see, a mammoth pile of books to read, overall I should be a lot more busy than I am (killing lots of time on the internets), but mainly I'm just aggravated about not having someone beside me.

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

Well, I'm most likely not going to be going to NYC this summer, as the person who was going to hook me up with an internship was laid off. Of course, it's still a long time until summer, and he's promised that, if he gets a new job and is in the position to do so, he'll take me on as an intern without a second thought, and I'll happily stop doing whatever internship I'm planning at that point without a second thought.

Then again, Bob, maybe this guy didn't see the cover of the New York Times today. You know, with the article about the graphic artist looking for a job, having been laid off last month.

[locke]

Bob,

even as I frown at some aspects of my ineptitude on my current project, having just done some of the fun part (originally not part of the plan, this aspect) I am tremendously pleased with myself as I think the fun part is a really good idea. who knew this was would put a smile on my face? well, lots of people know it does that actually, lol.