Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[ValentineNicole]

Bob,
I'm hungry. And it feels nice.
....
And that scares me senseless.

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

I sort of just kicked the GRE's tail. I'm quite proud of myself and totally digging the computer based test instant feedback.

I got 750 on both sections. Have to wait a couple weeks for the writing. But. Sweet!

[Young Val]

congrats, kimmie!

[Wil]

Dear Bob,

Just thought you'd like to know that engagethis is gone. Might try canbreakit instead. Silly registar not notifying me of expiration.

-- Wil

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Do you ever have it where the sadness is so deep that your stomach feels ill? I don't often, anymore, and it had been a really long time since I'd last felt it. But right now I just want to curl up and wake up to find that the waiting is over and I can do more than simply endure. So soon until the first signs of hope... so soon...

~Rei

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I am running scared.

I don't even know what from, just that I'm running.

My mom confronted me earlier about my drinking as of late.

I sit outside, in the nearby park, with a cigarette and a beer. I tell myself over and over again that I need to drink more. I don't even know WHY I do it. I don't even LIKE the beer. I'm not thirsty. Hell, I'm not even depressed and trying to get myself past it. But I need the beer.

I need the cigarette.

I just got up for the day and my first thoughts are where can I go to have a smoke...when can I drink?

I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of myself without either of those things, and I'm scared of myself with them too.

If I didn't keep sleeping so late I'd get to a hospital, but as it is I have a hard enough time waking up for work (at 3pm)

Yes, I'm pathetic...

--Cam

[eriador]

Dear Bob,
Can you do anything about people's lives going to hell? I wish somebody could...

[anonshadow]

Dear Bob,

Early this morning, there was a f****** tornado in Brooklyn. (And a massive storm that halted most of the city's transit.)

What. The. f***.

[Young Val]

Dear bob,

yesterday my day went like this:

1. wait on platform in the worst possible weather (HOT and muggy and wet from the TORNADO that morning) for 2.5 hours.
2. hour-long train ride to work (usually half an hour).
3. arrive at work over 2 hours late.
4. internet at work is still down from the night before. making it impossible to actually DO any work.
5. many work-related things go wrong, including the company lunch that i am solely responsible for facilitating.
6. come home on slightly better train ride.
7. find eviction notice.
8. panic.
9. go food shopping. spend $187 on mostly perishable items to last me at least two weeks.
10. come home. barely begin to put food away.
11. power goes out.
12. go to basement. attempt to flip the circuits. nothing happens.
13. call landlord. no answer.
14. half of my groceries begin their inevitable decent into rotting.
15. set my cell phone alarm.
16. read by flashlight until battery gives.
17. cry.
18. sleep.

today:

1. wake up to hear roommate talking angrily on the phone.
2. look at alarm clock. remember about power outage. realize power is still not on.
3. look at cell phone. battery has died.
4. go into kitchen to look at wall clock. have woken up late for work.
5. swear profusely.
6. get ready haphazardly for work. can't check weather and so dress inappropriately and forget umbrella.
7. talk to roommate who has been yelling at coned people.
8. coned people apparently can't be bothered to swing by today.
9. leave for work.
10. get halfway to train and turn around and go back home.
11. get cell phone charger to charge phone at work and leave again.
12. train ride.
13. get to work late.
14. email is back on and i have about 600 amassed emails that couldn't get through to me over the last two days.
15. panic.
16. avoid life by going online.


i am tempted to say it can't get much worse, but i'm not that stupid.

[ValentineNicole]

*hugs Kelly* Hang in there.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I have crying scheduled for 3:30 today. By god, I am going to stick to my schedule. That means I am not going to cry right now. I have things to do. Kites to fly and fish to fry. So. I will not be emotional right now over a stupid ecard.

I HATE endings. But I'm not thinking about that right this second, because I have things to do. And I need to go and do them. So. Away I go. Dry-eyed. Dry-ish eyed, anyways.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

Call me a bitter, sadistic f*** all you want; but having my automatic reaction to that picture be "ew" felt good.

--Cam

[Dr. Mobius]

Coned people?

*hugs*

[Luet]

dear bob,

i had a bad dream last night. i remembered it as soon as I opened my eyes. and i haven't been able to shake the icky feeling from it all day. finally, while taking a shower, I started sobbing. I have mostly stopped but i'm on the verge of starting at any moment.

this time tho it wasn't Him in the dream but my first boyfriend. who also was a boundary pusher but in a somewhat more normal way, if that makes sense. he got me to do things I didn't want to do but it was more of a typical teenage guy being pushy. not the sociapathic, incestuous, misogynist way that He employed.

anyway, in the dream he was kissing me and i didn't want him to and i felt awful (because he and i are both married) but i was for some reason completely unable to stop it. it was all so familiar and paralyzing and nauseating...and that's how I've been feeling all day.

i feel like i'll never be over this. i'm broken and i can't fix it.

[Young Val]

Coned people?

*hugs*

thanks. they're evil.


and *hugs Nomi*

[powerfulcheese04]

Oh, Nomi. *hugs*

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

See previous post. NO CRYING UNTIL 3:30, scheduled time.

I had a dream about this place last night. I dreamed that there was going to be a scheduled mass-exit from the building, and I had a map that designated me as a "blue" person to take the blue exit. Trouble was, I had no idea where that exit was. So I went off in search for it so that I would know where it was prior to the exit call. But I couldn't find it anywhere. One of the other therapists tried to help me figure the map out and explain it, but I couldn't understand her and when I went to look again, I was totally confused about where to go and just couldn't figure out how to leave the building when the exit call came.

Hm. It was time to go, but I couldn't figure out how to leave.

I wonder what on earth that could mean?

As I sit here, every last patient seen, every last progress note written and most of the stuff gone from my desk and still I am here, not leaving. Trying to write good-bye cards to my supervisors.

But, I am not crying until I leave. I refuse.

I hate change, Bob. I really do.

[ValentineNicole]

That was nice of you to say.

[eriador]

Dear Bob,
Can you tell me why I keep coming back here?

[steph]

*Big Hug for Nomi*

I love you, babe.

[zeroguy]

Coned people?

I'm assuming this is coned people like ConEd people?

[Young Val]

yes, i'm lax about proper capitalization in informal settings.

coned = Con Ed or ConEd or whatever the f***. the evil power people.

(power is finally back on, btw).

[zeroguy]

Originally I was thinking people that are coned. Like... coneheads, or something. It makes the story more fun, I think.

[Dr. Mobius]

yes, i'm lax about proper capitalization in informal settings.

Really, since when?

[Young Val]

since, i believe, 1998.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

i feel so specific. the air conditioning in my office building is broken, and there is that stuffy, hot feeling in the air, not the full-blast heat of being outside, but something stale and trapped. slowly baking. drowsy, perversely sweet decay.

so acutely does this remind me of high school that i had to shut the lights off in my office. my high school, PVMHS, was nothing if not a belching, cavernous, architectural monstrocity. too cold in the winter, too hot in the summer, just a brutal 10-month jail. in the absence of fans or air conditioning or windows that opened more than a half inch or any proper ventilation, teachers would shut off the lights in a fruitless attempt to lower (or at least--not add to) the heat in the classrooms.

i remember being in highschool: 14, 15, 16, 17, being so unaware of what my body was, what it did and could do. not noticing how slender my limbs were or how gracefully i could control them, only painfully aware that i was not beautiful enough to look exactly like everyone that i did not like or remotely respect. my hair long and hot and heavy on the back of my neck, electric with the heat, straw-like and thick. my skin, so translucently pale. and i did not know then, what i feel the loss of so desperately now: that i was young and gorgeous and that my life had structure, that there was a plan, that possibilities were tangible, dripping, and vivid, and mine.

and in that heavy heat, like a blanket, i'd slip into the momentarily cool oasis of my metal desk, caressing the smooth, cold surface of it. my bare arms sticking to it. my head slowly dropping down, overwhelmed by the heat and the boredom. and i'd smile and think about a boy, or play rehearsal, or nothing at all, while a teacher half-heartedly tried to teach the class things that we, as top level students, already knew.


there's comfort in that memory. my body actually aches with remembering it.

[Luet]

I cannot imagine school without air conditioning. Is massachusetts like a third world country or something? Geez louise. But then again, I'm comfortable within like a five degree span of temperature. I go quickly from feeling freezing to stifling.

And as always...your words are beauty.

[zeroguy]

And as always...your words are beauty.

I was just going to say; that whole post sounds like an excerpt from a book or short story (a story about 'Dear Bob' posts!), or the basis for a poem, or something.

[Young Val]

much thanks, to both of you.

i feel as though--slowly--i am coming back to myself. ridiculous Bob posts were always part of the package.

our ac is still not on, i'm tempted to do more reminiscing.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Dear Bob,

I'm fricking burned all over my right arm- has a much more red color than my left one- my shoulders, some of my front and some of my back.
I really shoulda put more sunscreen in the morning before I went to the beach..but then again, I think I'm just over-sensitive.

Also, my face is close to pink -_-

Curse that sun. I want it to die! ...ok no I don't, because then I would die.

Now there are 2 fun places I can't go to: the movies and the beach- I become Lobster-like in the beach, and I end up losing everything I bring with me (aka keys, money, subway ticket..) to the movies. Where can I go? Guess the only thing left for me is to stay at home XD

Oh and last thing, in case you didn't know: I am addicted to Diet Coke. It's yummy =) AND rehab is much cheaper ^____^

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Calculating total hours for the APPI makes my head spinny and my eyes all hurty.

The things they make you go through just because you had the idea you wanted to be a psychologist when you grew up.

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

omgdobie.

-me

[Petra456]

Bob,

I feel horrible, but I just want to go home. I can't deal with this.

- me

[Wil]

Hey Bob,

I have a question. Is it still bad to manipulate people when your intentions are nothing but the best for the person you care about but are still inevitably manipulating?

The reason I ask is that I'm feeling really horrible. I seem to manipulate people a lot. Often times not very much -- not starting a conversation with someone to gauge their mood and feelings -- but it's still a form of manipulation, albeit very slight. Sometimes I manipulate people more... but it's rare. Most recently I believe it's been my attempts at getting someone to see that it is possible for people to care for them, to see that it is possible for others to hurt simply because they hurt, and to see that people are sometimes sincere in their wishing to listen to them talk about their feelings and emotions.

That's okay, isn't it? No, of course not. I just wished to show her that it was possible for these things to be true by showing them. But, it seemed to turn into more than I ever wished it to. I started doing things that made no logical sense on the surface. I figured that if I could get this person to realize that them not sharing their feelings with someone that cares for them is hurting this person, then maybe one day they would learn to share how they feel.

It makes some sense, doesn't it? I don't know. It seems like all I did was make things worse. However, something happened that I didn't expect -- I started to actually care whole-heartedly for this person. As far as I am aware, they are now less open and willing to share with others. As far as I am aware because we have talked maybe twice in the last month. But, I now care for this person more than I care for myself... and I've never done that before. I've manipulated people before, but once things turned bad I just stopped caring, but I haven't been able to do that for the life of me in this situation.

I wish I would have noticed it before, now that I've looked back and seen that they did share things. They were just so small, and somewhat insignificant that I never really saw them in the first place. I still do not know when things started to really nose dive. I believe it was right after things were split between two paths. Once that was dealt with, I believe lies began to make things worse. I've wondered for so long why they would lie, but I think I deserved it all for trying to fix what might not have really been broken in the first place. I just over-think a lot of things when trying to understand them. I believe I understand a lot, and perhaps that scares this person, but I think it makes things worse also.

I really am sorry for everything. I really would go back and remove myself from everything if I could -- because at least you were in an ignorant state of bliss instead of a mixed state of confused depression.


For everything I do like about this person, there are several things I dislike. I've tried to think of a word to lessen what it is, but there just isn't any word that makes it sound less brutal. This person wants attention, and they get it in ways that do not show or give anything of themselves away. A perfect example would be flirting. I just keep thinking about this one writing I read where they explained how they were bored, so they found a random person and began flirting with them. The only thing I can come up with is that they told me this for some reason. be it to make me jealous, sad, mad, or some combination there of. But, all it does it lower my opinion of them.

This is, sadly enough, something I'd also try and fix through manipulation. Fix. Is it broken? Who's to say it's broken? I think it is... because I don't think people should have to do that when there is someone who cares for them. But, they might still not even believe this to be true. Entertainment is all it is.

Even still, there is so much I cherish about this person. I won't go into detail, as there is no need. I just wish they knew how I felt. I hurt whenever I think about them. I regret so much -- enough to where I'd consider going back and telling myself to GTFO of the entire situation. Not because I haven't learned a lot -- I have -- but because for their sake I think it would have been better.

This is the first time I can honestly ever say that I go to bed thinking about someone in a meaningful way and not just in a platonic way. I wish I could be holding them... just laying next to them. Being able to feel their body heat, their breath, their touch. Perhaps they were right that it would never happen. I really wish it weren't true, but perhaps it is. This hurts me so much.

I know I shouldn't regret things... but I do. Only because it hurt them so much. I'm done now, though, Bob. Thanks for listening.

Wil

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I can't do it. I'll never be able to do it. I will never, ever, ever be able to find a site that I want to go to and match with. All the sites I apply to will laugh at me. I will look like a hick who knows nothing about anything.

I'm going to DIE. And I'll never get an internship site. Or pass comps. And I won't get to be a psychologist. I'll be a seven-eleven clerk again.

It seems very overwhelming right now. So many, many sites. So much to coordinate. I have to sit down and come up with a gameplan.

Desperation. Lots of desperation. I'm very scared of my life right this second.