Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[locke]

bob, got my car insurance bill for the year, usually I pay it off as soon as I get it. I think I'll be a little more frugal this year and pay it off in two months instead rather than take the hit now.

for the first time since paying off my credit card debt last january or february I rolled a balance (for december). Not a big one, 245, but it's still annoying, that will be wiped away shortly.

I've only got about 1200 on the foolish high interest variable rate student loan I took out my senior year. That should be paid off in about four paychecks or less.

That will leave me at that point with no car payment, no house payment, no credit card, and presumably no girlfriend, only health insurance, low interest student loan debt, and rent as monthly liabilities draining from my bank account.

I've been pondering what to do when I get to that point. crossing my fingers that my car will keep running for another year or maybe two so I won't be buying a new car, like say a Ford Fusion right away. for years I just imagined I'd slosh the excess into paying off the low interest student loan debt as quickly as possible. now I am not so certain. I"ll probably modestly increase the amount I've been paying in student loans, but I think the money might be better spent developing a liquidity cushion. that's probably a good idea since I work freelance. and another advantage is that if I can put away enough for six monthsish living expenses anything over that at the end of the year I would begin to build an investment portfolio. It's kind of exciting to imagine that I'd be able to do that. I don't know if that's going to be retirementish investments or would eventually be used to meet the absurd down payment costs for buying a home in LA, no way to know at this point, and frankly I don't want to buy a house until I'm married, which I can't really imagine at this point what with no relationship as a going concern. Or those investments could go towards financing film production. but I'd rather raise that money than risk my own, though I'd pay for my own shorts.

ahh f*** it, I'll just buy one of those red cameras, It's only the price of a car, so incredibly cheap for what it is.

[locke]

Bob, the dreaded double bob post, but I gave it 24 hours.

anyways last night I ran across an old file on my computer, from my college applications folder from way back in high school. I wrote this for my princeton app, too bad this didn't go to USC as it's a stronger articulation than the haphazard explosion of enthusiasm that essay was. But I thought it was fascinating to read this blast from the past and I think I should share it here.

When I was seven years old and about to enter the second grade my family returned to Missouri after an eighteen-month residence in Washington, Iowa. My dad was given a management position in Joplin, MO, and it was there that we arrived a week or so before my eighth birthday. We remained in Joplin for the next seven years; they were the happiest years of my life. Robert Frost tells us “Nothing gold can stay,” I soon discovered how painfully right he was. During my eighth grade year my father took a job in St. Joseph, MO, and we moved there that summer. I began high school friendless and alone, and managed to stay that way throughout the year. I was completely self-isolated, I was uncomfortable trying to socialize with my new peers, and though they were accommodating enough, I soon took to retreating to the library during lunch.

The first Friday of October, I came across the book Ender’s Game. I picked it up because it had a TOR trademark, and I was currently devouring science fiction. Scanning the back cover, I thought that the basic premise (genius children fighting mock battles in space) was definitely worth a go. I settled myself in the library’s sole semi-comfortable chair and began to read. I was hooked by the second page, when Ender thinks, “Sometimes lies can be more reliable than the truth.” I devoured Ender’s Game, I finished it that night, and when I woke up the next morning I re-read it.

Ender’s Game resonated with me as nothing had before; its impact on my life was so powerful that nothing else has compared with it since. I was alone and isolated, I had lost all my ambition and drive: friendless, alone and isolated, so very much like Ender. I immediately empathized with Ender’s loneliness and isolation in a deeply personal way. Ender’s strength in adversity gave me the strength to continue. I cannot begin to adequately describe the effect the novel has had, and continues to have, on me.

I began to read other novels by Orson Scott Card, and I found that his understanding of humanity and communities was unparalleled to anything I had read before. I read everything he had written in the science fiction genre that our libraries had, and enjoyed them all. Most impactful on me was his companion novel to Ender’s Game, Speaker for the Dead. Where Ender’s Game had given me strength, Speaker for the Dead taught me humanity. I had isolated myself from the communities all around me, trying to be a world unto myself. Speaker for the Dead showed me how belonging to a community is essential. The shutting out of any group or single person as ‘framlings’ ‘utlännings,’ or ‘varelse’ (to use Card’s Nordic terms) is as self destructive as a person can become. Without our communities we have no way of defining ourselves, “but a person who really believes she doesn’t belong to any community at all invariably kills herself, either by killing her body or by giving up her identity and going mad,” existentialism is not a way to live, it is only living death. Speaker for the Dead shows us how humanity can be found in a brutal alien culture, how it can be absent in our fellow humans, and how our humanity is defined not by what we don’t do, but by our sins and our transgressions. People learn and grow through mistakes, a sheltered child will not be as successful as a child who was allowed to make mistakes; the same applies to the humanity of individuals and groups.

These two books set me to dreaming again. I longed to share the powerful impact they had on me (I have begun to share some of that passion through a website I helped to build www.philoticweb.net). So it was that a deep and ancient passion from the days of my childhood resurfaced. I became impassioned with movies once again, and have set myself a course towards success on my road less traveled. My dream is to someday make movies and to reach people in the ways that I have been reached through the powerful films and books I have treasured in my short time on this earth. And so I close with an all too appropriate quotation from Speaker for the Dead:

I am the judge of dreams, and you are the judge of love. Well, I find you guilty of dreaming good dreams, and sentence you to a lifetime of working and suffering for the sake of your dreams. I only hope that someday you won’t declare me innocent of the crime of loving you.

Hollywood is the judge of my dreams, it is the anvil on which they will be shattered or tempered, but that will not stop me from loving, with the very fiber of my being, every aspect of film.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I only wish that I had more time to emphasize more; or that I really felt it a good idea to post things in their entirety here (or in my LJ for that matter). For now, though, I shall leave things like this; because I have to tell someone...

I have found a woman who is the complete opposite to everything I know about women, and continuously proves to me that the entire world doesn't think the way I fear they do. If I had to make a bet right now, I would.

--Cam (zZzZ...)

[Confessions]

feeling lonely, stupid and a failure. I think if anything came my way I'd take it, despite my morals.

[locke]

Bob,

I seem to be having down days then up days then down days. well not really. overall I think I'm fairly positive about where things are going, but for the next couple days I'm not working until I start my new job and it's not like a vacation it's awful. I feel guilty for not working, and it gives me too much time to think about other things and worry about myself. I guess I don't trust myself to do the right thing and have the patience I need. I didn't exactly see very uplifting movies either, which is probably contributing to my mood. That and my roommates. Overall things are good though. and the future looks very good. possibly even incredible. I'll just have to keep myself from ruining it through some foolish something or another.

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

Today I started my search for a summer internship at a graphics firm, and it started out simply: I mentioned to a friend that I'm looking for a summer internship. "Oh, really?" he said. "Because [previous client] said that he's looking for a summer intern, and I told him I would find someone to send his way." So, even though it is by no means a done deal, I'm super-excited at the prospect.

...mostly because this specific previous client, who graduated from the same program I am currently enrolled in, is the director of a graphics company in New York City.

I've never even been on the East Coast, unless you count Florida, which no one does (as an aside, what is Florida? Southern? Eastern? Floridan?), and working for a firm out of NYC for the summer, while getting paid, sounds like about the coolest thing ever, plus a good foot in the door. So woooooo!

[locke]

I think Florida is like Texas it's a region unto itself, not technically part of the South, just Florida.

Bob,
I dunno, should I let myself get hopeful about the future? Maybe I should and all these ch-ch-changes will work out for the best. *crosses fingers*

I dunno why I get paranoid and insecure about not working on the days between ending one job and starting a new one. but there it is. I'll feel a lot more secure when I start the new one next week.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I'm very, very, very glad I do not have clients today. My eyes are swollen up beyond belief and are tearing up every half-hour or so. I do not want to be here.

But I am here, so I ought to work, I guess.

Blast from the past yesterday. Good, yes, definitely. But brings back old memories that were, well, difficult.

So, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep and ended up waking up boyfriend and bawling out the whole story. He handled it well.

Lots to think about.

Rough day.

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs Kirsten*

[Luet]

*more hugs for Kirsten*

I hate days like that.

[locke]

Bob!

700! to get my car into shape so it will pass smogging. ugh. Spark plugs and wires, fuel filter, fuel injection service ad something called Throttle Body adjustment. That is disgusting and they couldn't even do it today as they'd have to keep my car overnight to get it all done. so now I have to go back tomorrow morning at 730 and wait around probably all day for the bastards to finish their working over of me. blech, definitely putting off paying the full car insurance bill at once now. Also nixes joining the gym which I had decided to do.

[Luet]

Is it a mechanic that you know and trust? $700 seems awfully high for that, none of those are horribly major repairs. I once had three pretty major things (timing belt, CV joint and...something else, maybe the exhaust manifold) done for about $500, and my car takes foreign parts too. Have I said how much I love my mechanic?

[Mich]

That is a good deal. CV joints alone have been budgeted at me for $300, which is why I'm just covering mine in duct tape, and when I replaced my exhaust that cost $300. So, you're obviously a jerk.

[zeroguy]

(as an aside, what is Florida? Southern? Eastern? Floridan?)

Cuban.

[Luet]

That is a good deal. CV joints alone have been budgeted at me for $300, which is why I'm just covering mine in duct tape, and when I replaced my exhaust that cost $300. So, you're obviously a jerk.

This wasn't all 4 CV joints, just one. And not the entire exhaust but the exhaust manifold, which is an expensive part of the exhaust (where the engine joins the exhaust, I believe). And he was able to save me on labor since the manifold and timing belt were in the same general area or something, so he could do the timing belt without adding much labor for it.

[Oliver Dale]

bob, got my car insurance bill for the year, usually I pay it off as soon as I get it. I think I'll be a little more frugal this year and pay it off in two months instead rather than take the hit now.

for the first time since paying off my credit card debt last january or february I rolled a balance (for december). Not a big one, 245, but it's still annoying, that will be wiped away shortly.

I've only got about 1200 on the foolish high interest variable rate student loan I took out my senior year. That should be paid off in about four paychecks or less.

That will leave me at that point with no car payment, no house payment, no credit card, and presumably no girlfriend, only health insurance, low interest student loan debt, and rent as monthly liabilities draining from my bank account.

I've been pondering what to do when I get to that point. crossing my fingers that my car will keep running for another year or maybe two so I won't be buying a new car, like say a Ford Fusion right away. for years I just imagined I'd slosh the excess into paying off the low interest student loan debt as quickly as possible. now I am not so certain. I"ll probably modestly increase the amount I've been paying in student loans, but I think the money might be better spent developing a liquidity cushion. that's probably a good idea since I work freelance. and another advantage is that if I can put away enough for six monthsish living expenses anything over that at the end of the year I would begin to build an investment portfolio. It's kind of exciting to imagine that I'd be able to do that. I don't know if that's going to be retirementish investments or would eventually be used to meet the absurd down payment costs for buying a home in LA, no way to know at this point, and frankly I don't want to buy a house until I'm married, which I can't really imagine at this point what with no relationship as a going concern. Or those investments could go towards financing film production. but I'd rather raise that money than risk my own, though I'd pay for my own shorts.

ahh f*** it, I'll just buy one of those red cameras, It's only the price of a car, so incredibly cheap for what it is.

Bob, excuse me for a moment while I digress and chat with Adam.

Adam, ignore me if you aren't interested in advice. But I have recently (two years ago) been in a very similar situation to you, have done the research, and have talked to Smart People and gotten their advice. Based on this, let me recommend that you do the following.

Assuming the remaining student loan debt is indeed low-interest, I would recommend paying minimum payments on it. I know that seems counter-intuitive, but unless it really bothers you to have it (as in, you're losing sleep), then let it be -- it makes far more financial sense to do other things with your money. What are those other things? Glad you asked.

You need an emergency fund. Especially in today's climate, what would you do if you suddenly lost your income? You'd start racking up those credit card bills again. That would put you so far behind in the long run. Instead, it is commonly advised that you have approximately 8 months to a year of basic living expenses saved up in a liquid account. That can be a savings account, money market account, whatever.

That having been said, you are of the prime age and tax bracket (I assume you're making less than $116,000/yr.) to be investing in a Roth IRA. I won't even begin to ennumerate here the many advantages (both tax, and otherwise) to doing this, but if you're interested you can do some research (okay, I can't help but list one: all the money you personally contribute can later be withdrawn, penalty and tax free, to use as a downpayment on a house -- why not keep it stored there then, just in case??). You could max out your allowable annual contributions for about $417/month.

I don't know how much money you're going to have left over every month to do these things, but might I suggest that if you can, you contribute to a Roth fully, and all extra monies go into a savings account to build up your 8month emergency fund. After that, keep socking away money for a downpayment on a house or car as you see fit. If you start making more money or find yourself ahead of the game, only then would I open a traditional investment account.

[starlooker]

Ollie, once I get a Real Job making a Real Salary and am struggling under Real Debt, let's you and I have a nice long chat, okay?

[Mich]

This wasn't all 4 CV joints, just one.

*sigh* I was talking about just one CV joint. Now I'm feeling even more ripped off, so thanks.

[Valentine]

Okay, let's let some steam off...

First off, my birthday present was supposed to be that you'd help pay for my ticket. I just withdrew all my regular bank account money AND some accumulated interest from my savings account to pay it in full, because you CHANGED YOUR MIND. Forget the fact that I missed out on having my typical shopping present thing on my birthday because I had to pay for this - doesn't matter. I'm old enough to not have a birthday, right?

THEN, lets add insult to injury. I'm in the plasma room, watching a DVD. You come in, and proceed to carry a conversation. That's frustrating to me, because I was there first. I point this out and ask you to be quiet, and I get a lecture about "My house, my rules." It's just the 3 of us home, and this is a pretty big house. Can't you try to find a room that ISN'T my movie-watching one? I'm trying to relax; very irritable today. I just used all my gas money for the year to pay for something that SHOULD BE A GIFT.

Yes, that sounds selfish. Yes, I know I'm being a bit of a brat. But seriously, I'd have planned my finances better without having to take a huge chunk out randomly.

Then, you pull my sister into the hallway and give her $100 for food. HEATHER. The starving-Ethiopian looking child, that drinks organic tea and water and maybe eats half a 100-calories pack every four days. $100 that I gave you from my savings. $100 I needed. We'll be gone TWO DAYS. Nevermind that you bought her a plane ticket and she decided sleeping with her boyfriend was more worthwhile and wasted your money. Nevermind that she may spend $5 on food the whole time.

DAMMIT. So I got angry. I yelled about every last thing that bothers me. That I pay everytime I watch Brittany and you're gone, not just for my food but hers as well. That I park outside while Heather gets the garage spot, despite that I'm A) older, and B) needing to leave the house about 5 hours earlier than her because I have early classes. She failed out of UT and is taking community college courses for a semester. She starts at 1pm. I have class at 8am!! I have to wake up early and scrape my car's windsheild in 7 degree weather!! What the hell??

And my money is NECESSARY. Because you can't help me out anymore, with the economy. I need my money for food, for gas. For an apartment over summer. For a buffer if I can't get that post-MBA job. So just..don't lie to me. I was told you'd help pay my ticket and my classes. Hell, you even offered me an "allowance" buffer each week for gas. I can't seem to find a job, my savings it dwindling, and Heather - who actually has a JOB (For my dad, who won't give me one!) - gets money. Every week, $75. $100 for 2 days while you're gone. And she doesn't even EAT. The girl has thousands saved up.

And I'm a GOOD kid. I may not be young anymore, but I help out. I sat downstairs for hours today because you needed to workout and the pool guy hadn't come yet. I was supposed to see a movie. But I SAT THERE. And then, I got yelled at for it, by my father! "Why are you just sitting on that couch?" And when I asked him to take over, he yelled at me some more. I have work to do, and he was gonna be downstairs eating anyway!

ARGH. I love you all so much, but seriously, I'm pissed. Just...don't bother me today. I need some relaxing time so I don't flip out.

[Oliver Dale]

Ollie, once I get a Real Job making a Real Salary and am struggling under Real Debt, let's you and I have a nice long chat, okay?

Absolutely.

[Luet]

*sigh* I was talking about just one CV joint. Now I'm feeling even more ripped off, so thanks.

Well, it probably helps that my mechanic has an abnormal obsession with the Powerpuff girls and he calls me Buttercup. He might have a crush on me...but his wife is always right there, she's the receptionist. I'm willing to deal with the slight creepiness in order to have an awesome mechanic.

[Syphon the Sun]

To join in with the whining about car troubles:

Bob, why is it that *every* time something good happens, it's followed in threes by something bad? Always.

My wife and I were actually able to afford a trip that we wanted to take for our honeymoon, but didn't have money for at the time. But, we managed to save enough to go on our first vacation (aside from the honeymoon) together and it was amazing.

But, remember how her grandmother got a brain tumor a few weeks before we were going to go? Yeah, me, too. She died last week. The funeral is tonight.

Oh, and to make matters so much better, I have to find a way to go back to my dad's house (a five hour drive) to pick up the first car I ever bought. You know, the one with like 200,000+ miles on it. The one that needs new tires AND a new muffler to even be able to drive. The one that not only doesn't have a CD player, or even a tape player, but doesn't even have a RADIO. The five hours of listening to the imaginary melody of the wind for the trip back is going to be a blast. Oh, and this is the same car that doesn't shift properly until it has been running for a bit. Oh, and it has an awful habit of overheating.

And because I bought it when I was sixteen and was on my parents' insurance, it's still in their name. Which means I have to pay for taxes, title, and license fees (plus, you know, the insurance on it).

So, you might be wondering, "But why?" Well, because my wife's car (you know, the one that was made only ten years ago, as opposed to twenty-four), the same car that has had numerous problems since she bought it, blew its engine. There was absolutely no compression in the engine. At all.

So, great, but, you can fix it, right? Well, maybe. But it's expensive. The lowest estimate we got was $1600. The car's Blue Book value with a properly functioning engine: $1600. Our problem: we don't have $1600 (at least) to spend on repairs, especially if something else will go wrong with it in four or five months. So, despite the fact that we still owe money on it, we sold it. And because the engine needs to be rebuilt or replaced, essentially, we only got a few hundred dollars. And it's not even like we could shop around and see who would pay what, really. We took the highest offer we got after a few days and moved on.

So, now I have to find a time that my wife and I are both free, so we can drive up and get my old car, transfer the title and get plates, get the tires and muffler replaced, and drive home.

I'll let you know when Bad Thing #3 happens, Bob. Or, if you want, you could just prevent it. That'd be swell.

Edit: Fixed some typos.

[locke]

it took all morning, six hours of labor (they only charged me for four) and as soon as I pulled forward to the edge of the lot in my car I could feel it driving different. the sound was subtly changed, more subdued, more like it was humming rather than growling. seemed to me to be driving different. Drove to the smog place. feeling good.

It failed. Hydro carbon readings are even higher (the 15mph more than doubled) and when I got it back from the smogging the check engine light was on. It was not on when I left the dealership it was not on when I drove onto the smog place.

I'm so f****** mad right now. I called the mechanic up and I'm bringing it monday morning then we're taking it to his smog place, perhaps we will sort out what's wrong, perhaps I'll get a discount perhaps I'll get a smog certificate I don't deserve but will take anyway.

Regardless I haven't been as mad as I was leaving the smog place in YEARS. it was as angry as I've ever been. I think you'd have to go back to middle school or something to find a similar level of rage.

ARRRRGH!

[Luet]

Man, that really sucks Adam. I'd hug you but guys in a rage are a little scary...so instead I'll pat you on the shoulder from a safe arm's length away.

[Wil]

[Jayelle]

Bob,

I feel sick and stupid. I need to not be working on the 24th - I need to be on the youth retreat, helping to run it. I didn't let my boss know well enough in advance and now I'm calling down this list trying to get someone to work it, and all I'm getting is "no". Even if I have to stay home, I'm screwed, because I have to get someone to look after Ginny for 8 hours because Paul will be on the retreat.
Crap, crap, crap on a stick. What am I going to do??

[steph]

Even if I have to stay home, I'm screwed, because I have to get someone to look after Ginny for 8 hours because Paul will be on the retreat.
Crap, crap, crap on a stick. What am I going to do??

Oh, that's easy! Just fly Alea up. She'd watch Ginny *and* do your dishes!

[Jayelle]

*whew* Someone called at the last minute to work. Hallelujah.

[locke]

Ollie thanks for the advice. of course I may not have the option other than just putting it in savings since I may be getting a new car instead (see below)

another day another 200 dollars. this time they replaced one of the two 02 sensors then they took it out to get it smogged (which I wasn't charged for I might add) and it came back EVEN WORSE this time it's so far over the limits its now labeled a gross polluter on the test

They think it's now an exhaust leakage or some miscommunication between the 02 sensors and the motor. I'm inclined to think they should have replaced both 02 sensors and the TPS sensor, as that's what it took to fix it last time. the guy wants me to bring it back for an entire day promissing that he will get it to pass smog (and give me a car to drive free until it does) but I don't know if I want to sink any more money into it at this point. The truck had a KBB value of a little over 6000 in Dec 2005, I paid 4000 for it and it now has a KBB trade in value of between 2000 and 2500 in CA. having sunk 900 in it in the last week, I don't know how much more money I can stomach to get it fixed only to have to pay another 150 to get the damn thing registered. I have a suspicion it will cost another 400 or 500 to get it fixed and smogged and if so, that's just f****** ridiculous. considering what I've already paid.

oh and the check engine light that was on after the smogging and on saturday and sunday? Gone when I turned on the car this morning.

on the plus side I finished 2.5 books today, on top of the 2 books I finished while waiting last week. would have finished all three if I hadn't left to take a walk and get lunch and watched a bit of TV.

[locke]

Bob,

they just showed the first view of Obama walking to the inaugural platform and already I'm getting a huge swell of emotions. I'll probably be crying before this is done.

ETA, didn't cry, but teared up several times.

[Eaquae Legit]

I got a bit choked up, too. The emotions in the crowd were infectious, even at such a distance.

[Hector.Victorious]

Bob,

Well, I'm sick today. I don't like missing lessons at school because then I get behind and double homework is miserable. I would do it now, but none of my teachers ever post anything on their websites.

I also teared up during Obama's speech. I hope Senator Kennedy is doing well. Does anyone know what actually happened to him? All I know is that he collapsed during the luncheon. The news reporters thought it was a seizure but they weren't sure.

[locke]

Bob, my new job is 1.7 miles away from my house. I'll probably drive there for a bit, but I intend to walk it once I know the route and determine whether or not it's a walkablely safe route. Might get a bike too. very cool to work so close to home.

very nervous about tomorrow.

[Mich]

Bob, my new job is 1.7 miles away from my house. I'll probably drive there for a bit, but I intend to walk it once I know the route and determine whether or not it's a walkablely safe route. Might get a bike too. very cool to work so close to home.

very nervous about tomorrow.

Woo, go Adam! I hope to work that close to home someday, yet still live somewhere that I want to.

[buckshot]

Bob, I'm going to need all my stamina to get through this day. I left the office early to avoid any hype and media coverage. On my way downstairs to my den ( where I keep the good boose ) I'll grab a bucket of ice ,a well worn SD paperback, take my favorite seat (next to hummidore) , set my XM to my favorite grunge channel and pretend this day never happened. Good luck USA .

There's more than one way to look at a problem, and they may all be right." NORMAN SCHWARTZKOPF