Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Maybe you will be excited with me over little stuff. I'm mostly C&P this from elsewhere, with some additional background info. Prepare for awful grammar/formatting.

I got to work to discover more Christmas-y fun on my desk [last week, my supervisor came in with a few strands of garland, asked who was up to decorating, and my excitement over the potential made me number one choice], so while I was working the circ desk (surprisingly slow this morning though it picked up later and with a vengeance), I was readying things and the like. The patrons were commenting on it, joking with me about decking the halls and all.

As soon as my two hours were up, I shelved my books, then went downstairs to lug the 10 ft ladder up [from the east end to the west end, up stairs, and then from the west end to the east end of the building...and that ladder is not only twice my height, it is heavier than sin] and got to hanging more stuff.

After I was done with the hard parts, my coworkers joked about taking me home to do their decorating because they thought I did a good job.

A patron ended up telling my supervisor that she thought I did such a good job I deserved a raise. ha!

Before the day was through, I ended up making a fireplace out of cardboard and ink dotters and it looks pretty nice. I ran out of time to hang it up but I'm hoping to have it done tomorrow so my [storytime] kids will be surprised by it on Thursday.

I also grabbed all the Christmas books I could find to do a display, so it should look neat when I'm done.

Then I get this call from someone asking about my program from the 21st. And they're from Connecticut.

I hate networking where it involves me getting favors but if it involves me doing a favor, I'm all for it.

So I'll be sending this librarian some stuff and it has me super-excited that someone across the country was asking for my help/advice/opinion.

Lastly, I may get to assist in coaching a kids' soccer team or two. It depends on game days because their games used to be on Saturdays and I work Saturdays but if it works out that I can even just help at practices or something, I'd be thrilled. I coached for 3 years back in the day and the 1 year at the school and loved it.

Also, I had a Chai today because it was 47 when I went in to work.





This is on top of a mental reboot I did yesterday. I had all sorts of things that needed doing, that I have been stressing over doing, and I said to hell with it, I'm fixing my head first - even if that sometimes included doing things to/with my body (eating, exercising).

I recognize that all this is a bandaid for a gushing wound but if it helps even momentarily, well, why the hell not use it? Fake it 'til you make it, yes?

[Eddie Pinz]

because it was 47 when I went in to work.

You must of had your parka on too

[Gravity Defier]

I don't know how to respond so that I end up giving you less reason to laugh at me...

[Confessions]

Bob,

I have had an attraction to someone on the bored for a while now. Its a feeling that was always kind of there but has gotten stronger recently. Its odd because we have had little interaction off of the board. Never talked on the phone or anything like that. I just have a strange feeling that if I flew out to meet her, everything would click and be right. Even if only for that weekend or week or however long I was there. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but it is a feeling I can't shake.

[Mich]

Dear Bob:

Please make people stop giggling whenever I explain the necessity of sandwich condiments as "lubrication." That is what it is there for, flavor be damned. Many other things can give flavor, but you have to have something liquidy to get lubrication in your sandwich, and the word "lubrication" is the most apt word for it.

[zeroguy]

bored for a while now

Try taking up a new hobby. Knitting!

And whoever you are, you sound a lot like I did around 6 years ago. (That is, in my head. Had I actually written such things 6 years ago it would be much less coherent.)

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

It is amazing how seeing/hearing a couple of words can make you feel like absolute s***.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

My income stream is officially cut off now. I'm signing up for EI so hopefully that'll take some of the load off, but I am now in freefall. What money I have needs to support me until I get some income again. I really hope this IT job pans out...

--Cam

[Wind Swept]

Hey Bob,

I met a girl last November. I happened across a pile of rubber bands sitting on a table and at the same moment she did. We looked at each other with some suspicion, then lunged for the rubber bands. I got to them first and proceeded to pelt her with them. Long story short we started dating.

We dated for six months, and then I broke her heart. The relationship was hurting both of our schoolwork, mine especially. I felt bad, but it worked well. Summer classes went fantastically, and fall semester started out brilliantly.

After another five months we forgot how poorly things were going and got back together. The semester went to hell, and I'm now left with no hope of graduating anytime soon. I'm in the fifth year of my undergrad, I'm not doing anymore.

However, I really didn't care. The two months that followed were blissfully happy ones.

Which brings us to Wednesday. Now she's broken my heart for all the same reasons I broke hers.

I'm left with no place to really call home and absolutely no direction in life. She'll be okay, she's only a sophomore with plenty of time to fix up her transcript. Me? I get to go home to my parents' basement and start looking for jobs.

At least I've got a halfway decent portfolio to throw at people.

Addendum: Dammit, I fell like s***.

[Luet]

Bob,

I have a new friend and it terrifies me. She is just a little more than half my age. She has had a terrible life. She needs so much, in every way, and I don't know if I have enough to give. Well, I know I *could* fall all the way into this friendship but I don't think I'm ready to do that. Part of me is holding back and I'm not sure if that is a good thing or not.

I'm quoting myself from 9/2/09 to update the situation, Bob. This friendship never really panned out for a number of reasons which turned out to be for the best. It might have been some gut instinct telling me to hold back but I'm SO glad that I did. She recently turned 18 and immediately got engaged to a guy who is 34 (with 2 daughters). She was not previously involved with him to anyone's knowledge, outside of his family. I had asked her if she liked him and she insisted that she didn't ("eww, gross", were her words). The whole thing is such a disaster that I am just so thankful to not be involved in her life.

[locke]

Bob,

[zeroguy]

It's nearing the end of the semester. It feels really weird not to have that... end-of-semester feeling anymore. I always used to get that feeling of... ending, uh, ness. Leaving those classes behind, never to be seen again; usually thankfully, but some regretfully as well. Now it's just... nothing. It's December, and that's it; things just keep going on.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

The board voted in favor of the proposed changes, effective January.

I feel really lonely. I read that loneliness has been linked with increased risk of cancer in rats. They don't know if the loneliness encourages behavior/habits that lead to it or if the loneliness itself somehow increases it. If I ever start a band, I'm naming us the Lonely Cancer Rats.

I think I'm losing weight again. I've thought about this and can't find a good reason I want to be, except to be able to say it's lower because people hear what I weigh and tell me, "But you don't look like you weigh that much," implying I should look fat. Fat Lonely Cancer Rats.

Yet again, I wish for a reprieve from feelings.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

I hate this. I hate those situations that make me feel so hopeless, so out of touch, so irrelevant and non belonging.

I have a good - no, great - life; and yet, in this, I've failed miserably. So miserably that I wanna kill myself whenever I try and fail again.

I'm going to predict some predictions here, that I hope don't come true; but with how I'm feeling right now about myself, I cannot escape the thought that they will.

First kiss: age 30+
Lose virginity: age 40+
Wife: never. I'll die of fat/old age/whatnot, after living alone with my cats for some years.

My self esteem is nearly non-existent when it comes to these subjects, and only a little bit higher about the rest of the world. I gotta change - or go away.

~Me

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,
If I ever start a band, I'm naming us the Lonely Cancer Rats.

Sergeant Cancer's Lonely Rats Club Band? That's what I thought of when I read this.

[Gravity Defier]

Hmm. I don't know. Keep in mind, this is just a prototype but I don't know if I fit in.

[Syphon the Sun]

You need a mustache.

[Jayelle]

I would have pictured you more as a Paul then a John.

[Peterlover14]

Dear Bob.

She is annoying. I don't know why you like her. You like me more.

[Gravity Defier]

It was ease of positioning on an already craptastic edit job; I don't consider myself a John type of person, either

[human.]

Bob!

I got into NC state! You don't know how excited I am... Yay! I was really worried... But I got in! Yay!

Thanks for listening, Bob!

[Confessions]

I learn about life from Boston Legal.

Bob,

I've been relating far too well to television lately. In the episode I watched earlier tonight, a man with Aspbergers working to overcome his social and intimacy issues, went (very reluctantly) to a counsellor, one who acts as a surrogate. He opens up to her slightly, and she offers to hold him. He eventually agrees, and upon her doing so, he breaks in to tears.

It scares me that this is the scene to which I relate. In my much less severe form, I too fear intimacy and relationships for the potential rejection they bring. I, too, suffer the consequences manifested by this fear, yet I am unable to rise above it.

I am so good at emulating intimacy. I know how to properly range my voice, how to touch, what to say. Having others be intimate with me is hardly the issue. But for me to actually feel intimate...that's a different story. I was recently in love, or at least I felt I was, and only now do I realize that we were unable to be intimate. I realized then that I've really only had 1 intimate relationship. Every other one I've managed to keep intimacy at bay. It's no wonder they never go anywhere.

Watching Jerry (our friend with Aspbergers) cry in the surrogate's arms, I couldn't help but see a reflection of myself in far too many dimensions. How I wish for someone to lie in bed with me and hold me. How desperately I need to. I have spent the last number of years repressing my emotions, and lately I've had a lot more to repress than normal. Far too often I find myself holding myself at the verge of tears, unwilling or unable to go further. I can't help but lust over the freedom and release that is crying in somebody you love's arms.

I am but a ticking time bomb, a overful reservoir. and I don't know where to find an overflow valve.

[Luet]

a man with Aspbergers...our friend with Aspbergers

It's spelled Aspergers. I have two half-brothers who have been diagnosed with AS.

[Peterlover14]

Dear Bob,

I know I'm boring. You weren't supossed to KNOW I liked you, but thanks to my big mouth little monster of a sister....

At least look at me.

[Luet]

psst, you do realize that this isn't "Dear You", right? "Dear Bob" is like a dear diary type thread...just in case you were confused.

[Eddie Pinz]

Hmm. I don't know. Keep in mind, this is just a prototype but I don't know if I fit in.

Amazing! Definitely made my night.

[Gravity Defier]

I read the detached, impersonal, uncaring, and on occasion hurtful things he has said to me, I read the old and compare it to the new (March's "I wouldn't change anything about you" to this month's "I would change..."), I repeat his interest in someone else in my head, I make a point of carrying all this around in my head, because it is the only way I know how to make any sort of sense out of it all and show to myself how little has changed in all this time.

I have to tell myself he doesn't care, that it's on the same level in terms of ease as ignoring me but at least this way he has entertainment while he's in between better and more interesting things, that he can toy with me to see just how sad and pathetic I can be.

The part I don't like to tell myself repeatedly is how I'm probably not too far off. That the fact that I secretly think I'm wrong is the wrong part. That when I say he will walk away unscathed and unaffected, I am hitting the nail on the head and not lying to myself after all.

P.S. Yeah, I'm upset that he's being too nice and yes, I'm upset that it's something I enjoy. Girls...

P.S.S. I don't understand Google Wave or how people got in there.

[megxers]

Dear Bob,

I was going to post in the procrastinating thread but I couldn't figure out what I was procrastinating over. I feel kind of aimless--the extra classes I am taking finished oh, 4 hours ago and now I am adrift and purposeless until work tomorrow. I have read the entire back catalog of posts for the book sections of this site. I am watching the Dexter season finale. I am waiting for the boy I like to come back online, no matter hopeless it seems now, when neither of us will talk about seeing each other and he seems so young and annoying, when he's like a year older than me. I am procrastinating on life. Or something.

[Peterlover14]

megxer put dear bob though!

[Petra456]

Well, this is "Dear Bob". I think what you were writing before looked more like a "Dear You" type of post.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob:

a place for people to just VENT. A place to tell someone about their day. A place where nobody will judge you.

Sometimes people are bursting with something they need to tell someone about, but don't, because they don't think anyone would care. Here, we care.

Dear You:

You write a note to someone you want to say something to, but can't. This way you can get it off your chest without any real confrontation. It's a nice stress reliever. It doesn't have to be confrontational, though. It can be silly, happy, lovey, whatever!

There are only a couple rules:
1) Maintain some semblance of anonymity (No Dear "Actual Names"!)

Bob posts tend to be more open-ended, that is, not written to a specific person/people you know -that's what Dear Yous are for. Or, to put it another way, Bob posts are kind of "I wish I had someone I could trust with this or someone I could turn to." Dear Yous are "I can't tell so-and-so about this, really, so I'll pretend to tell them here to relieve some pressure."

Though honestly, so many threads here are so specific that some posts only fit better in one or the other and don't necessarily belong in any of them, so posting in the "wrong" thread is okay. In fact, Bob is kind of the ultimate catch all. So while your posts did look more Dear You appropriate, it's okay to put them here. Nomi was just giving you a heads up that you may find the Dear You thread better fits what you posted; you may certainly continue posting in here.


But I think there's been enough "incorrect" behavior in here lately, from me as well. So *slaps my wrist*

[Confessions]

Bob,

I get an abortion on Wednesday. I already hate myself. I'm Catholic, born and raised. I really believe I'm killing my own child. But the father doesn't want it, and it's a birth control baby. Who knows what sort of defects it will have. I was drinking up until I found out, which was pretty late considering I didn't think I would be pregnant on birth control.

I'm sick all the f-ing time. I hurt something awful. I'm terrified and alone and sad. I hate myself for going through with it, but I see no other way. I have no job, no income, no family support. I'm too far along in this so-called life to give it up and get on welfare.

The father blames me. He called me a c-nt, although I did nothing to cause this. I take the stupid f-ing pills every day, at 11am. No earlier, no later.

I just want to keep it. But I know I've done so much damage, and I can't afford to. I even tried a "home-induced miscarriage." I took vitamin c and dong quai and black cohosh every hour. I woke up to take it. I know the baby can't be healthy after all that. Plus, I was drinking right up until I found out. And I'm a caffiene addict.

F-ck my life, Bob. I've all but dropped off the face of the earth. I don't leave bed. I just sleep and throw up. I'd pretty much be okay if the abortion kills me. Then I wouldn't have to live with this pain.

[Peterlover14]

Yes. Ignore this.

[Confessions]

All it accomplishes, and all it is meant to accomplish, is that I feel a little less alone. And that's good enough for me.

[Luet]

Whoever you are, I am so, so, sorry you are going through this. If you ever want to talk, please pm me and I'll give you more contact info. You aren't alone and people do care. *hugs*