I feel like I should write something, even though I've been struggling with the words for the last few hours. I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to get out -- that I feel I need to get out. So much I want to say, so much I need to talk about, but nobody seems inclined to talk to me. What a surprise. So, I suppose I'll just start writing, okay?
On Thursday I picked up my cousin and Amber to drive them down to Disneyland along with the rest of my extended family. It was, in fact, quite a nice trip. I very much enjoyed it. The driving went extremely fast, even though it was many hours long. I was the one who led the party, and although my cousin is a TERRIBLE follower, we all made it to the hotel in one piece with no issues.
After we all got checked in and settled, we drove over to Redondo Pier to watch the sunset over the ocean
and have some dinner. Dinner was uneventful, save for the fact that our waitress downright ignored us for almost an hour before we got all of our food and my uncle and cousin were about to throw a fit because of it. At this point I was so tired and hungry that I just didn't care. Finally we were served, we ate, we explored the pier a bit, and then we drove back to the rooms.
Given that we were just a block away from Disneyland, we decided to check out the Downtown Disney part of Disneyland that same night even though we were all tired. After a good three-quarter mile walk (after a very long day), we ended up on a very Christmas-decorated Disney-centric
outdoor mall. We checked out a few stores, but for the most part just walked around. The best part of my evening was when Amber and I spent probably fifteen minutes inside of the Lego store where she got all nostalgic about her childhood, we checked out the life-size Lego models, and I took her picture where she was kissing a Lego Woody
. She was just so extremely happy, and I was just so extremely happy to be there with her, and her sharing that with me. Walked back to the room and passed out from exhaustion.
Next day we all got up and trudged back on over to Disneyland proper this time for some good-old-fashioned crowd fighting and ride hopping. I pretty much just stuck it out with the little kids as those are the rides I don't remember. The inside of Disneyland was decorated for Christmas
as well, which was pretty awesome. The presentation at Disneyland is quite amazing, and I was very impressed. The low point of this day was where Amber started to do her ignoring-me thing again, where she wouldn't stand or sit next to me, walk next to me, talk to me, or even really reply to my direct questions. Insanely long day, went back to the room, passed out even further within minutes of laying down.
Day three was DEATH. My feet hurt like you wouldn't believe, and we were going to do ANOTHER theme park. Knott's Berry Farm is a lot of fun, but the decorations and theatrics compared to Disneyland are terrible. Still, I had a pretty fun time and I got to go on a few rides. Amber was still very distant, although I marked it mostly up to the insane amounts of tiredness we were all feeling. We didn't stay that late, and one final time I laid down and was out like a light within minutes.
Today, day four, we all slept in, took our time getting ready, and drove back. I woke up with a glorious cold, which at the time of this writing has further intensified and I feel like death incarnate... and I have school tomorrow. Amber still was semi-distant, though much less so than the previous two days. I'm really sad that the weekend is over, and I had a surprising amount of fun through it all.
As for the Amber thing, I don't know what to say. I know her suddenly acting differently towards me wasn't my imagination -- I've had third party confirmation on my not-insanity about her in the past. I do like her, and she probably knows it... at least subconsciously. I... just want to be friendly though, you know? It makes me so angry and upset that she seems to tend more toward ignoring me and pushing me away when I'm just trying to be friendly. Yes, my wanting to be friendly is connected to my attraction toward her, but I don't intend to pursue it -- I just wish she would be friendly in return. By the end of day two and three my basic thought process is "eff her, I'll just be mean and ignore her too", but then by the next day (today), I'm getting her bags for her and attempting casual conversation with her once again. I just can't be mean on purpose, only on accident.
Though, to be honest, my joking text of "I miss you already." -- which I CC'd to my cousin as well after, while in the car, we talked about it being strange after spending a weekend with people and then suddenly them not being there (which I just realized she wasn't in the car for, doh) -- was probably overkill. Her reply: "Ok."
Even with Amber acting that way, her being there is what really made the trip for me. Even though she doesn't and never will return the feelings, I just like being around her. Even the six hours in the car, just her sitting behind me, I felt supremely content and at ease. I just wish I could tell her this; even though it probably wouldn't help things, in my mind it feels like it would. Like, if only I could explain how I just really need a good friend. That my attraction for her isn't in a romantic way but in a "I really like you as a person" way. I feel like everything would just be BETTER.
I wish you could return advice, Bob. I really need advice. But I don't want to hear "let it be" either. I'm sick of doing nothing.
Going to go make some tea, squirt some honey and lemon in it, hope it makes the cough and sore throat go away for long enough that I can pass out. Later.