Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Eaquae Legit
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:36 pm

I just got hit over the head last night with the realization that I need to have a place to go and rest and people to nourish me in my life and my journey. I love my job, but it takes a big mental toll sometimes, and there is a big part of me really longing for some sort of nurturance. This is probably why I am so lazy at home these days. Which is not what I want. Basically, I need a life and I need friends.
I find that so, so true, especially when I'm doing care. It's like you spend all this intense mental effort looking after someone else, leaving a big gaping hole that needs to be filled by being looked after. And I imagine you get even less mutuality than I do at work. It's tough.

*hugs*
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby GS » Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:20 pm

Hey Bob-o,

It has been a while. Work has been pretty much kicking my ass for pretty much the last month and a half, and it shows no signs of stopping. I'm actually kind of jealous of the people that have been recently laid off. I had a plan that I would have been making a ton of money during my severance package and been much closer to being out of debt. Now, my friends have the sweet deal and all of them have jobs lined up. I am happy for them, but that could have been me as well. Now, I made a lateral move where I am pretty much the savior of a project that would have been fucked otherwise. I have put up with more bullshit than I have in the past year before this. If some things don't change after this project, I'm going to have to start looking for other opportunities. I realize that I am lucky that I am still employed, but I dread going to work now. I've never dreaded work and I loved my other position. Oh, and some one who was also working on this project put in her two weeks today. So, more work is probably coming my way. [/rant]

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:29 pm

Woohoo, suprise day off work!

I went into work, only to find I'd written down my schedule wrong and I wasn't supposed to be in! So I got to go home and enjoy other stuff, like cleaning the bathroom and having a bubble tea! It really made my day. Even though I like having lots of hours, I've worked really hard the past few months and I'm really, really glad for the mini-break, especially since my "day off" yesterday was anything but restful.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Luet » Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:18 pm

bob,
I had a nightmare yesterday morning. In the hour after first waking up and then going back to sleep. It was very vivid and memorable. It's been nearly five years since everything ended, so when will I stop dreaming about him. The details were obviously weird, since it was a dream; but the feelings were dead on. How could I put myself in this stupid, dangerous situation; guilt, shame, terror, desperation. It was awful.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Rei » Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:57 am

*hugs nomi*


Dear Bob,

This insomnia is not good for me. I'm not sure if it's the cause or result of how I've been feeling lately. Or perhaps it's simply incidental and just isn't helping. Three days/nights in a row does not bode well, though. I need to get onto a more regular schedule in the next couple days before I start my new job. Sometimes I wish I could grab myself by the lapels and make a difference. It doesn't seem to work that way.

Rei
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Postby Young Val » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:36 am

Dear Bob,

I am going to feel so, so stupid after posting this.

Every morning on my bus ride to work, we drive by three, three, boutique wedding dress shops. The dresses in the window displays are breath-taking, and every couple of weeks a dress that makes my heart come slamming to a halt will appear in one of the windows. Driving past this twice a day, five days a week, for the last seven months has not been good for my expectations.

I know David and I are going to get married some day. It has been discussed. Seriously. At length. And the knowledge that it will happen some day is sufficient for David.

Not so much for me.

I creep closer and closer to turning thirty. And I know that neither that age, nor any that come after it, is the end of the world. But I can FEEL time slipping away from me. To be blunt, my ovaries are mutinous. And to some it may seem like a silly distinction. We live together. We love each other. What difference will being engaged or married make? But it will make a significant difference. And it's important to me.

A lot of it, I know, is jealousy. I see my friends getting married, having children, and I feel so woefully "behind." I know I shouldn't think of my life in terms of how it measures up to the lives of others, but I can't help it! I feel so innundated by it. Facebook has become this sour, unsafe place, where at any moment someone's wedding photos are going to pop up, or someone's relationship status is going to change to "engaged."

It is petty, and stupid, and I feel so foolish, but I would be lying through my teeth if I said these things didn't bug me.

That's NOT to say that I begrudge any of my friends their happiness! I don't. I just...I want it to be me, too.

Aside from all the wistful, romantic notions, there is the very practical side of things.

David and I are going to have to pay for our own wedding. Neither of our families are in a position to contribute financially, and it's going to be entirely up to us. That's fine. And I am totally ok with a handmade, DIY wedding--in fact, I think I'd prefer it--but even if we do things as cheaply as possible (Things I am willing to shell out $$$ for: food, photographer, dress. Things I am willing to do without: cake, DJ, venue, and :::gulp::: engagement ring) we still needed to start saving like, a year ago. We do not make a lot of money. And I CANNOT acquire debt. I just can't do it. I've never owned a credit card in my life. If I want something, I save for it, and that's the end of it. Financially it'll take ages for us to save up enough money to start seriously planning a wedding, however quaint and budget-friendly it may be.

David and I were eating dinner the other night and the subject came up. He made some sort of off-hand remark about how I would be the one to do all the wedding planning. I don't want that at all. If we're going to stand up in front of all of our friends and family and commit to loving each other forever, I want that whole day to be something we planned and crafted together. I don't want him to just show up that morning and roll with it.

He also half joked about just eloping and getting it over and done. Again, not something I want. If he's just paranoid about the planning process, then fine. We can work that out. Weddings can be personal and beautiful. They don't have to be this churning machine spat out by an over-priced industry like he seems to believe.

All this, really, to get to the INTENSELY stupid part, which is that I'd somehow convinced myself that our upcoming trip to Boston for Thanksgiving, which will include our anniversary, would be a GREAT time for David to propose. We'll be spending our anniversary alone in Rockport. And then we'll be with my family! I never, ever see them, and it would be so hard for them if something big like that happened when they weren't there to share it (one could argue that this way, David's family wouldn't be there, but we see them virtually every week, and we see my family less than ten days a year). It is ideal and somehow, without ANY encouragement from David, I got it into my head that since it was essentially perfect, it was therefore absolutely going to happen.

It is not.

I know, deep down, that it's not and I'm just crushed.

I've had friends tell me to just get progressive if I want to marry him so much, and just propose to him myself. But I can't. I don't want to, first of all. It's stupid. I know that. But I want to be the girl, damnit! I want the romantic nonsense. And also, I need him to do it. I moved out here. I left my career, and my family, and my friends, and everything I knew to move out here to be with David. And I didn't do it blindly or naively. We did it together. After long, long talks about our future together. I KNOW we will get married. That's not what this post is about, Bob. The post is about my stupid impatience and impending sense of biological doom.

But...THAT was my grand gesture. That was my "I will do everything in my power to support you; I love you" moment. And I just need this from him. I just need him to be the one to say "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?" Maybe it's twisted or unfair or whatever, but I just need that. A lot. I need that to come from him.

But expecting it to happen over Thanksgiving is just setting myself up for heartbreak. I can tell by the revulsion he showed at the mention of wedding planning this week, and his hopeful look when he brought up eloping.

Not gonna happen right now, Kel.

Get over it.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Eaquae Legit
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:41 pm

*big hugs for Kelly*
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby steph » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:13 pm

*hug*

I don't think your needs or fears are silly. They seem rational to me!
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I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:19 pm

David and I are going to have to pay for our own wedding. Neither of our families are in a position to contribute financially, and it's going to be entirely up to us. That's fine. And I am totally ok with a handmade, DIY wedding--in fact, I think I'd prefer it--but even if we do things as cheaply as possible (Things I am willing to shell out $$$ for: food, photographer, dress. Things I am willing to do without: cake, DJ, venue, and :::gulp::: engagement ring) we still needed to start saving like, a year ago. We do not make a lot of money. And I CANNOT acquire debt. I just can't do it. I've never owned a credit card in my life. If I want something, I save for it, and that's the end of it. Financially it'll take ages for us to save up enough money to start seriously planning a wedding, however quaint and budget-friendly it may be.
Between the recent awesomeness(es?) in the handmade thread and Moose and Adam and in the other thread and the general everyday awesomeness of Pwebbers, I have no doubt in my mind that when the time comes you could set something up here and allow your online family to help you where your biological ones can't if you really wanted or needed to.
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Postby Petrie » Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:25 pm

David and I are going to have to pay for our own wedding. Neither of our families are in a position to contribute financially, and it's going to be entirely up to us. That's fine. And I am totally ok with a handmade, DIY wedding--in fact, I think I'd prefer it--but even if we do things as cheaply as possible (Things I am willing to shell out $$$ for: food, photographer, dress. Things I am willing to do without: cake, DJ, venue, and :::gulp::: engagement ring) we still needed to start saving like, a year ago. We do not make a lot of money. And I CANNOT acquire debt. I just can't do it. I've never owned a credit card in my life. If I want something, I save for it, and that's the end of it. Financially it'll take ages for us to save up enough money to start seriously planning a wedding, however quaint and budget-friendly it may be.
Between the recent awesomeness(es?) in the handmade thread and Moose and Adam and in the other thread and the general everyday awesomeness of Pwebbers, I have no doubt in my mind that when the time comes you could set something up here and allow your online family to help you where your biological ones can't if you really wanted or needed to.
Abso-fucking-lutely. :)



-------------------------------

Bob,

I am a touch cranky at the moment.

I have tomorrow off, my little brother is going to be here for a few days, and I will be overloaded with awesome movies and tv.

I really shouldn't be cranky right now, given all that, but I just had to go and tell Facebook I was happy, so the day could go and mess with me.


I get 36 minutes of wallowing and that's all, okay?

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Postby steph » Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:27 am

Dear Bob,

Tyler's surgery is in the morning. Wish us luck?
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Rei » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:26 am

*wishes lots of luck and sends prayers*
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Eaquae Legit
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Thu Nov 11, 2010 2:39 am

*wishes lots of luck and sends prayers*
Seconded!
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby steph » Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:18 pm

Thanks, guys. We're done and home. He's doing well, now that the anesthesia has worn off. (He was VERY emotional coming out of it.) I'm exhausted, since I didn't hardly sleep last night and was up early. I think I'll take a nap when he does, since I have a long couple week of recovering while still trying to take care of 2 other kids.
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby GS » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:25 am

Dear Bob,

I went to see Roger Waters perform the Wall last night. And wow. I don't know if I can ever process it all. It was simply mind blowing.

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Postby VelvetElvis » Fri Nov 12, 2010 6:35 pm

Dear Bob,

I am so tired of always being sick. I just wish I could go ahead and have the surgery and be better already. I know it's really putting a strain on everyone around be because sometimes I can't do everything I need to do. I just don't feel good. I want to cry, but that wouldn't solve anything and I would look like a complete ass.
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby megxers » Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:45 am

Bob,

Today was super weird & fun. While volunteering I ended up chatting on webcam with some museum member's friend in Columbia on Skype because he was giving her a tour of the musuem on his netbook in Spanish & I made the mistake of commenting on something back & then the girl he was talking to was like, "someone speaks spanish? prove it!" so then we chatted for a few minutes. It was really random.

And then one of my high school friends & I were running around town and ended up getting carded, and the super cute guy carding me is holding my ID, which is bent in half (& the picture is TERRIBLE), and he goes, "this looks fake," smiling and waving it at me. NOT THAT FUNNY, but kind of, because he was cute.
So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:22 am

Dear Bob,

Sometimes I worry I'm going to go into work and someone will be dead. Today was a bit freaky because J was having a "sleepy" day. I went in to wake her up and she didn't move. Didn't bat an eye when I shook her or called loudly in her ear (yelled). Flippin' balrogs, I had to check to see if she was breathing!

I'd like to get a job sometime where that isn't a serious worry.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Wil » Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:55 am

Bob,

I feel like I should write something, even though I've been struggling with the words for the last few hours. I have all these thoughts rolling around in my head that I want to get out -- that I feel I need to get out. So much I want to say, so much I need to talk about, but nobody seems inclined to talk to me. What a surprise. So, I suppose I'll just start writing, okay?

On Thursday I picked up my cousin and Amber to drive them down to Disneyland along with the rest of my extended family. It was, in fact, quite a nice trip. I very much enjoyed it. The driving went extremely fast, even though it was many hours long. I was the one who led the party, and although my cousin is a TERRIBLE follower, we all made it to the hotel in one piece with no issues.

After we all got checked in and settled, we drove over to Redondo Pier to watch the sunset over the ocean and have some dinner. Dinner was uneventful, save for the fact that our waitress downright ignored us for almost an hour before we got all of our food and my uncle and cousin were about to throw a fit because of it. At this point I was so tired and hungry that I just didn't care. Finally we were served, we ate, we explored the pier a bit, and then we drove back to the rooms.

Given that we were just a block away from Disneyland, we decided to check out the Downtown Disney part of Disneyland that same night even though we were all tired. After a good three-quarter mile walk (after a very long day), we ended up on a very Christmas-decorated Disney-centric outdoor mall. We checked out a few stores, but for the most part just walked around. The best part of my evening was when Amber and I spent probably fifteen minutes inside of the Lego store where she got all nostalgic about her childhood, we checked out the life-size Lego models, and I took her picture where she was kissing a Lego Woody. She was just so extremely happy, and I was just so extremely happy to be there with her, and her sharing that with me. Walked back to the room and passed out from exhaustion.

Next day we all got up and trudged back on over to Disneyland proper this time for some good-old-fashioned crowd fighting and ride hopping. I pretty much just stuck it out with the little kids as those are the rides I don't remember. The inside of Disneyland was decorated for Christmas as well, which was pretty awesome. The presentation at Disneyland is quite amazing, and I was very impressed. The low point of this day was where Amber started to do her ignoring-me thing again, where she wouldn't stand or sit next to me, walk next to me, talk to me, or even really reply to my direct questions. Insanely long day, went back to the room, passed out even further within minutes of laying down.

Day three was DEATH. My feet hurt like you wouldn't believe, and we were going to do ANOTHER theme park. Knott's Berry Farm is a lot of fun, but the decorations and theatrics compared to Disneyland are terrible. Still, I had a pretty fun time and I got to go on a few rides. Amber was still very distant, although I marked it mostly up to the insane amounts of tiredness we were all feeling. We didn't stay that late, and one final time I laid down and was out like a light within minutes.

Today, day four, we all slept in, took our time getting ready, and drove back. I woke up with a glorious cold, which at the time of this writing has further intensified and I feel like death incarnate... and I have school tomorrow. Amber still was semi-distant, though much less so than the previous two days. I'm really sad that the weekend is over, and I had a surprising amount of fun through it all.

As for the Amber thing, I don't know what to say. I know her suddenly acting differently towards me wasn't my imagination -- I've had third party confirmation on my not-insanity about her in the past. I do like her, and she probably knows it... at least subconsciously. I... just want to be friendly though, you know? It makes me so angry and upset that she seems to tend more toward ignoring me and pushing me away when I'm just trying to be friendly. Yes, my wanting to be friendly is connected to my attraction toward her, but I don't intend to pursue it -- I just wish she would be friendly in return. By the end of day two and three my basic thought process is "eff her, I'll just be mean and ignore her too", but then by the next day (today), I'm getting her bags for her and attempting casual conversation with her once again. I just can't be mean on purpose, only on accident.

Though, to be honest, my joking text of "I miss you already." -- which I CC'd to my cousin as well after, while in the car, we talked about it being strange after spending a weekend with people and then suddenly them not being there (which I just realized she wasn't in the car for, doh) -- was probably overkill. Her reply: "Ok."

Even with Amber acting that way, her being there is what really made the trip for me. Even though she doesn't and never will return the feelings, I just like being around her. Even the six hours in the car, just her sitting behind me, I felt supremely content and at ease. I just wish I could tell her this; even though it probably wouldn't help things, in my mind it feels like it would. Like, if only I could explain how I just really need a good friend. That my attraction for her isn't in a romantic way but in a "I really like you as a person" way. I feel like everything would just be BETTER.

I wish you could return advice, Bob. I really need advice. But I don't want to hear "let it be" either. I'm sick of doing nothing.

Going to go make some tea, squirt some honey and lemon in it, hope it makes the cough and sore throat go away for long enough that I can pass out. Later.

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Postby daPyr0x » Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:35 pm

Bob,

It's been a while, or at least it feels like it has. I barely visit here anymore, it seems like the top posts never change anymore, and are rarely threads I care for. That's kinda my whole life right now. I'm pulling away from all of my friends and family, isolating myself to a "watcher" status. My "family unit" is now completely disbanded, at least for me 'cause I'm the outlier who's only related to the dead guy. Somehow I kind of always knew this was coming. My whole life I felt as though I was second fiddle to my step-mom's children and associates. I'm sure I felt it more intensely, being an only child taking part in a larger family; but I confirmed it pretty well that I wasn't just making it up upon speaking once to my little brother. I'm sure he didn't understand what he was saying to me, about me, in the eyes of my father, or he probably wouldn't have said anything; but I did. I was a necessary tether to a relationship he did not want to maintain. Without him, there is no longer a necessity. Now I'm not saying I was actively dropped out of the family or anything, it was a more gradual, natural thing. Women got involved, which always pull from current relationships. Funny, I never realized how that applies to each and every familial relationship that's become disjointed. Funnier, I'm pretty sure each and every woman that's entered the picture says/is saying bad things about me behind my back. The man my step-mom married and ran off with is obviously not included, he's not a woman :-). Seriously though, little bro's gf is the reason we fought, 'cause he'd blame any mess he saw as mine when she'd come over. Older bro's gf talks bad about everyone, I believe her only complaint about me is that I smoke pot; however her general attitude and the level of control she has over him makes it extremely difficult - if not impossible - to spend extended periods of time together. Nonrelated bro's gf isn't too pleased with me standing up to her (she wanted to define how I was allowed to act in my brother's company, I told her that's a far more appropriate conversation for me to have with my brother than her). Relationships change, though. Call me the bitter old man, but I have no expectation for any of these relationships to stand the test of time, in no small part due to the repelling nature of their presence.

But I was relying on those relationships. I can definitely recognize that my reliance on other people has lessened over the years, but I'm not sure where that puts me now. I mean, first it was Joel, he gave me a great outlet (and control) to dealing with life, but then I cut him out 'cause he was a dink and I grew tired of his antics. Then Ryan, but then I decided chameleons didn't make the greatest friends. That's when I shifted focus back to my family. I'd like to sound noble and say it was 'cause it was "family," but the truth is I had no one else left. And now I don't. I did that whole "reset button" thing just over a year ago, and I'm already eagerly anticipating doing so again, except bigger this time. I made one friend during that time, he moved away 2 months back.

I have nobody, and I justify that to myself with every single negative experience that led me here. I have no desire to be in relationships like the ones my siblings have made. I don't find myself getting along with most men either - too smart for the jocks, too cocky for the nerds. I'm lonely by choice, and I hate it; but I don't really know how to change it. Can't change who I am, and that tends to include being the sore thumb.

--Me
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Postby Petrie » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:46 am

Bob,

I need to get away from my life and myself. I'd expand but for once, I really don't want to and I have to leave for work in a minute.

Tell me, so I'll believe, that I'll, that things will get better when I'm older?

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:43 pm

Dear Bob,

!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Best. News. Ever.

Okay not maybe ever-ever, but an ever that I can conceive of in the near future. Which is not ever at all, but who cares, I'm thrilled.

There's nothing like the news of a visit of a long-missed best friend to make your boring day stupendous.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby zeroguy » Wed Nov 17, 2010 10:25 pm

I'm (almost certainly) going to a social event where I don't really know anyone there. Like, really, 0 people I know beyond a single interaction or two.

why did i do this why why why. I don't even like these things when there's someone I know I can just shadow.
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dgf hhw

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Postby VelvetElvis » Fri Nov 19, 2010 8:36 pm

Bob,

I guess we aren't any closer to finding out what's making me sick. Current bets are that my gallbladder is kaput, so we're trying to get HIDA scan scheduled. I'm so sick of being sick.
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby locke » Sat Nov 20, 2010 6:40 am

bob, a perfect time to slice my fingertip off with my brand new kyocera mandolin slicer. slicing lemons, of course. It sliced through the nail evenand was barely attached. but igot pressur on it and then drove myself tothe urgent care center. I got four stiches to hold it in place. best moment was whenthe doc lifted the 'stuck' on flap toclean it and the nurse said, "Oh my God" because she had thought it didn't look so bad before that. yay boy scouts for teaching me what to do it saved my thumb tip.

too bad that I'm react badly to vicodin, but naproxen aintbad.

750$ hit all in. andcharges for taking out stitches in a week yet to come. I remember a canadian doc on another board saying that they charge 750$ for an appendectomy and hospitalization, he couldn't believe reports u.s members made saying an appendectomy and hospitalization cost 15-25,000. (which iirc, my parents insurance were billed about 17,000 for my appendectomy, and three days in the hospital).
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:01 pm

Bob,

I guess we aren't any closer to finding out what's making me sick. Current bets are that my gallbladder is kaput, so we're trying to get HIDA scan scheduled. I'm so sick of being sick.
I had no idea you were having trouble! Many hugs and good wishes. D'you mind if I ask what's up (as far as you know, anyway)?
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby VelvetElvis » Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:05 pm

I for sure have a seriously inflammed stomach and a hiatal hernia. Latest abdominal ultrasound showed what is most likely a sludgey gallbladder. I've been throwing up at least 2x per week and nauseated at least 50% of the day 5 days per week. I've had blood tests, two acid medications, an EGD scope, two ultrasounds, and stomach biopsies. I eat zofran like some women eat chocolate.

The good news? I don't have stomach cancer, H. pylori infection, or food allergies.
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Sat Nov 20, 2010 10:28 pm

They never did figure out what caused my arrhythmia (which was eight years ago this week). They had theories, but never nailed down one thing. I'm pretty sure once I woke up they no longer cared.

I hope they get you figured out though, and soon. *hugs*
(You should write everything down and submit it to the writers of House. :P)
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Postby Petrie » Sun Nov 21, 2010 12:34 am

Bob,

Today was a magical sort of day despite how it started. I can't seem to find my energy, so I stayed in bed until I only had 7 minutes to get dressed and out the door. I left 3 minutes late.

However, when I got to work, there were hot air balloons flying overhead and it was overcast in the west portion of the sky and sunny in the east; I didn't have my camera with me but I still have a great mental picture, at least for now.

I did the outdoor bookdrop and then got all my shelving done with enough time to run downstairs and finish the setting up that my supervisor started for the computer class I had to lead.

The group wasn't big but they were wonderful. I love doing something that can almost be considered teaching. They stayed a bit longer than we scheduled and they thanked me on their way out, asking if I'd be doing more classes. I always wonder if they ask that because they want to avoid me or because they like me.

Lunch was spent doing pretty much nothing and that was a nice change of pace. Threw my hoodie over me, had my headphones in, and just imagined all sorts of good stuff while I sat there with my eyes closed.

By the time I got to Circ, things had slowed down to a crawl. Nothing crazy. No calls to the police (two earlier this week). No major outbursts. Saturdays are still brilliant in pace; this is how a library should always feel. Calm. Soothing. A sanctuary, not a zoo.

I got in some reading, which I haven't done in way too long. I may even finish this damn book after all.

Fun conversations with my coworkers. I made them laugh. I'm addicted to how I feel when I've made someone laugh. Some more than others.

When I got home, I did some work on my craft. I didn't do much but somehow, what I did manage to do made me feel like I'd gotten quite a bit accomplished. I'll spend more quality time with it tomorrow; I made a good dent tonight.

Then my mom shouted at me to come outside and there were fireworks. It was beautiful, probably better than our 4th of July show and I could see it from my front door. I even got past my inclination to yearn for a boy to be with me when I see them and just enjoyed them for what they were. I don't know when the last time that happened was.

And now here I am, looking forward to tomorrow. My mom will be gone for most of the day. She's going to Tucson to pick her boyfriend up at the airport. I'd go to hang out with my brother but he's in Phoenix visiting a friend. I can probably go next Sunday and most likely will. But tomorrow, man, I hope it's cold. I'll set up shop in the living room. Make myself some breakfast, watch some BSG, craft, read, Just Dance, hopefully have some Chai, maybe see if there are any good movies streaming, do the yard.

I love my quiet days.

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Postby Young Val » Sun Nov 21, 2010 6:04 pm

Dear Bob,

I got flagged for the TSA pat-down/body search on my flight from Minneapolis/St. Paul to Chicago on Saturday.

It's been all over the media the last few weeks, and I am ashamed to admit that before I was subjected to it I thought that the whole thing was probably being blown out of proportion.

Supposedly my bobby pins set off the metal detector and I was not given the option of the body scan as a result. I was required to submit to the search if I wanted to get on the plane.

I was given the option of having the search conducted in private, but I declined. David would not have been allowed to accompany me, and I think I would have felt even more violated had the search been conducted in a screened off area. Oddly, I felt like I would be safer in public (and this is before anyone even touched me).

David stood near me the whole time. Or, as near as he was allowed.

My belongings were taken away to be tested. I was brought to a mat with foot prints on it and told to stand on on them with my legs spread wide. A female employee searched me and she wore latex gloves (which she later tested to be sure I had no strange deadly bio weapons or chemicals on my clothing or anything).

She told me everything that she was going to do as she did it--which parts of my body she was going to touch--but I was not given any options, or able to pause the search or stop at any time (if I wanted to get on my plane). It was not a "pat down." Every part of my body was searched, starting with my hair on down. She rubbed and gripped and squeezed every part of my body, including my breasts and my groin. The search was NOT entirely over my clothes. She ran her hands up my back and stomach under my shirt, and around under the waistband of my jeans...and my underwear. I was required to hold my arms up at shoulder length the entire time.

The search lasted between 15 and 20 minutes.

When she searched my groin I was so, so forcibly reminded of being sexually molested several years ago that I literally had to choke back vomit.

I feel so, so violated and damaged.

That s*** was fucking invasive and I am NOT ok with it. I highly doubt I will ever submit to it again. f*** flying.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
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I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Luet » Sun Nov 21, 2010 7:37 pm

I am so sorry, Kel. Thank you for sharing your experience. It will help me to be prepared when I have to fly in a couple weeks. Would you mind if I shared what you wrote via email with my female family members? If you prefer, I can ask them not to forward it. Whatever you're comfortable with. Obviously, it will be anonymous. I just think it's important for people to have a more detailed description of what this entails. I sure had no idea.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Young Val » Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:07 pm

I don't mind if you keep it anonymous and remove the segments about my previous experience with abuse.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Luet » Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:12 pm

I got flagged for the TSA pat-down/body search.

My belongings were taken away to be tested. I was brought to a mat with foot prints on it and told to stand on on them with my legs spread wide. A female employee searched me and she wore latex gloves (which she later tested to be sure I had no strange deadly bio weapons or chemicals on my clothing or anything).

She told me everything that she was going to do as she did it--which parts of my body she was going to touch--but I was not given any options, or able to pause the search or stop at any time (if I wanted to get on my plane). It was not a "pat down." Every part of my body was searched, starting with my hair on down. She rubbed and gripped and squeezed every part of my body, including my breasts and my groin. The search was NOT entirely over my clothes. She ran her hands up my back and stomach under my shirt, and around under the waistband of my jeans...and my underwear. I was required to hold my arms up at shoulder length the entire time.

The search lasted between 15 and 20 minutes.
I will only quote this part.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:18 pm

https://contact.tsa.dhs.gov/DynaForm.aspx?FormID=10

I've been having a nice email conversation with a lady from AT&T customer support the past few days about why they don't carry micro USB data cords in a retail store that's only utilizing 20% of its floorspace. She's probably just humoring me and they'll probably continue not stocking data cords (Radio Shack seems to be about the only place short of the internet that does and they're overpriced) for those of us who can't get bluetooth to work (apparently Nokia and Apple hate each other or something). In any case, it helps me get over being pissed off about it.

I realize your case is several orders of magnitude above mine, but at its core it's essentially the same thing.

It might not help, but it could not hurt. (unless it could, in which case ignore me)
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Postby Petrie » Sun Nov 21, 2010 10:23 pm

*hugs for Kelly*


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