Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby LilBee91 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:55 am

Hey Bob,
Today was kind of a blah day and I don't know why. Well, I guess I do know why, I just don't want to admit it. Even laser tag didn't cheer me up. Here's hoping sleep helps. Everything looks better in the morning, right?
I used to hate gravity because it would not let me fly. Now I realize it is gravity that lets me stand.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.

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Postby VelvetElvis » Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:47 pm

Bob,

I seem to be visiting you a lot lately. I treated myself to a nice new nail polish today because it's been a long week. It got longer. Mr. Dear broke the toothbrush. Grandmother was intubated. Chipped the polish. Burned the rice for dinner. On the upside, I got my zolpidem refilled after being out for about two months. Hooray, sleep!
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby starlooker » Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:13 am

Dear Bob,

I'm having a rare, exciting moment of loving my job, coworkers, clients, and even the damned paperwork. It feels good to be back. Frankly, the billables report from September helps. For a while now, I've felt like I've been working my ass off but no one knew it but me. However, apparently, somehow last month it turns out I really WAS working my ass off and it shows in a way the administration will understand.

And, if I can manage to keep up that pace for the next three months, the end of next quarter will find me with a hefty bonus. Seeing as how the end of next quarter coincides with the post-holiday money crunch, that's a goal to shoot for.

Alrighty. Back to work.
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There's another glimpse of sky...
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There's another life out there...

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Postby Jeesh_girl15 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 3:04 pm

Dear Bob,

Have you seen that video on YouTube? Hilarious! The guy's expression while he's singing to Katy Perry's Teenage Dream is priceless.

I think I have a stomach ache from eating to much... Ugh... Oreos, Slim Jims, and spicy pizza is not the greatest for an afternoon snack...
You musn't be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:02 pm

Hey Bob, can you make sure all this works out? I'll be highly annoyed if I exhaust myself like this and something happens to our England plans. Capisce?
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby buckshot » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:44 am

Bob' Here I sit in a hospital room with my foolish son Jake who managed to shoot himself in the foot deer hunting Sunday night. Jake is 21 on his own but has no insurance ( He is working at our feed mill now but not long enough to get insurance) so guess who gets to pay ! I can't believe that after all the safe gun handleling practice i've beat into all the kids heads, at lots of Sunday afternoons shooting in our gravel pit that this could happen. I know this was a fluke accident but that was the worst phone call I ever had. I was back at the farm at the time about to hunt around our fields and when Jake called so I grabbed Julie and we got to Chewelah ,about 30 miles north to the hospital in like 15 minutes ( I didn't really time it). Lucky, Jake was with his friend Parker ( who is a safe hunter I would be proud to hunt with)who was there when jake fell and he went for Jakes truck and quickly got him to the Chewelah hospital before Julie and I did. Note to self , buy Parker something nice! So now we sit in Spokane (where the real hospitals are) he gets to keep his foot and toes , his foot is all wrapped up tight waiting for more surgery thursday, I found a friend to Jakes dog for a while and I don't know whats next except maybe try to hire someone who can operate our pellet mill for a while. How you doin Bob!

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Postby Luet » Tue Oct 19, 2010 4:17 pm

Wow, buckshot, you've had an expensive couple weeks! I really hope everything turns out okay for your son.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Gravity Defier » Tue Oct 19, 2010 8:10 pm

No kidding. You might also check into getting a young priest and old priest to come out your way, say a few things, splash you some.


------------------------


Bob,

It's 71F outside, cloudy but also getting dark because of the time of the year, and it smells like rain. My nose is cold, my hands are cold, and I'm wrapped up in my blanket. I have, at arm's length, the best cup of Chai I've made myself so far this fall (only out of three as of yet but hey, it's the best) and my book, which is agonizing and wonderful, all at once. Just beyond that are two newly framed pictures; I didn't buy new frames, simply ousted relatively meaningless pictures of Minneapolis from years ago that were sitting, forgotten in my drawer. My mom is at work, her boyfriend is at a meeting for bikers, and so it is just me and the monkeys I call my dogs for a few hours. It's heavenly and I'll take it.

I'm not sure how much of this I should say here but, then again, I'm never sure of what I should say, feel, think, let alone how much of it and to whom I should share that with. I tend to be wrong and all the double-guessing is tiring, so here we are. Also, I'm really just a coward but hate being a hypocrite. So yeah, here we are, indeed.

I like a boy, Bob. What he feels, I don't know and won't venture to guess as that tends to get me in trouble, but I can speak for me and I know, when all is said and done, I like him. It's scary and complicated but oh so simple. And all I can clearly think about any of it is the same phrase, "Please don't hurt me." I know he doesn't want to but I also know he could, without it needing to go anywhere, or because it might go somewhere, or because it might not go anywhere. Let's be honest here, I could hurt me just as easily, moreso than he could. I could hurt him in all the same ways and that's the last thing I want. "Please don't let either of us get hurt." No matter what. Awkwardness I can live with; hurt, not so much.

I got a ride home from work today and was asked what happened to make me smile. I wanted to answer honestly but mostly just stayed silent. As to what was making me smile, call it foolish optimism that is harder to kill than just about any baddie from your typical horror movie. When it should be dead, it still slowly limps along after me. Even when I run from it or try to hide, it has this way of steadily following. This has never worked in my favor before and I don't see why it should start now, but there it is and here I am wondering, "What now?"

Do I give in and let myself think about how excited and comfortable I felt, in turns, and even nervous/concerned but always safe? About how I kept my hands in my pockets because I noticed his right there, so close to mine, and wanted to grab them? How about how this song from an 80s movie reminds me of him, with reason?

There's more where that came from but I don't get far into it before I start thinking the rational, not-fun stuff. As well I should. I already delivered myself one blow, only to get delivered a sliver of hope that I wasn't expecting at all, that may be bookend-ed by another blow, for all I know. I guess I put this here as a reminder to myself that, even if this ends up hurting me in the end, I felt some damn nice things in the middle of it all.

In the meantime, I have some stuff to read, some quiet time to enjoy, and some happiness to reluctantly and cautiously experience.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby buckshot » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:26 pm

Dear Bob; I was visiting Jake tonight when his surgeon came in . I was glad to hear he will have (hopefully) full use of his foot (toes too)and may not need much more work when he closes up Thursday morning. I feel a lot better too. PS I regret my crying about spending money last week . I see how things could always be a lot worse and I need to count my blessings that I have a lot more resources than when we were young and broke all the time. It's so hard to save and so easy to spend! :)

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:56 pm

Man, glad to hear it, buckshot!
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby VelvetElvis » Wed Oct 20, 2010 8:24 pm

Bob,

I'm laying on the loveseat, covered in my Mennonite sewing circle quilt (that is also embroidered by them), with a glass of champagne in my princess glass. I have moisturizing socks on my feet and Emmylou Harris on the stereo. Happy Friday, Bob.

HBC
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Postby Jayelle » Thu Oct 21, 2010 10:47 am

Bob,

First the good: We finally have a sense of what our income looks like, and it's better then I expected. I am really hoping I'm not calculating wrong and we actually will have enough to finance a car.

Then the bad: My grandpa is dying. He's 92, so it's not unexpected - many people don't live to that age - but it's still really tough. He has not lost any of his mind at all, he's still as sharp and with it as he was 30 years ago. He remembers so much of his life and has been writing his memoirs, which I have been trying to edit, but he won't finish them now. He's in the hospital with a failing heart and failing other organs too. He can barely eat and is down to 130lbs, which is unbelievable on his 6'2" built-for-farming-frame.

Now, the ugly: I am selfish in that I don't want him to die in the next few months. My mom has heard him say he's not sure he'll make it till Christmas. I have reached the magical "no fly" mark in my pregnancy. If he dies in the next 2 months, I can't go to the funeral and it breaks my heart. I am very close to this grandfather. I love him. I don't want to miss his funeral.

Thanks for listening, Bob.

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Postby Rei » Fri Oct 22, 2010 12:14 am

Dear Bob,

Sometimes I feel like I've been hit by a sack of bricks for no good reason.

Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Wil » Fri Oct 22, 2010 11:24 pm

Tonight feels off. Something is wrong; nothing seemed to go or feel right this evening. Nobody to talk to; nobody has replied to me on AIM for over a week even after multiple messages over multiple nights. No friends, it seems. Awesome.

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Postby steph » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:47 am

Bob,

I had a terrible week and I just can't get back into the groove of things. There was a shopping cart accident involving a pothole in the grocery store parking lot that ended with the cart tipped over on top of the boys and Kinley on her head on the ground. Paramedics, store managers, lots of bystanders and I felt awful. Everyone is ok. We went to the Dr. to be checked out the next day to be sure.

The store and property management insurance companies are both doing "investigations" and making me feel awful and responsible all over again. Yes, both my boys were standing on the same side of the cart and I was holding on to Kinley instead of the buckle. (Since she was already upset and I thought my touch would comfort her.) BUT, what about the pothole by the storm drain on a slope that I couldn't physically pull my cart away from with the momentum being so strong? How they aren't liable in any way, I'm not sure. I don't want a settlement or anything, I guess I just want someone involved with them to acknowledge that it was crappy thing to happen to me and my kids because of their pothole. A gift card to the store might be nice. Or not saying "well, I don't see any liability on the store's part" to me on the phone. They might as well say "it was entirely your fault and it was entirely preventable and I can't believe you were that stupid and careless to let something like that happen."

I can't get the knot out of my stomach. I'm not sleeping well. I'm way to impatient with the kids because I'm in such a fragile place. Last night I told Brian that it was sad I wasn't getting a break at all, since he's helping my cousin work this weekend, and I was afraid of completely breaking. He said "what? you're still broken? I thought you were better." Just because I can get some stuff done and not kill the kids in the meantime, I'm better? Don't let distractions fool you. They may work for a few hours, but I'm still a mess. I'm still losing it. I totally freaked out on wednesday when I was at my mom's house because I was afraid I went there on a school day, even though I had planned for weeks to be there that day, since Tyler doesn't have school on wednesdays. I can't remember anything. In fact, I can't even remember the other examples I had of not remembering stuff.

I think I need a trip away, but I have no time (it's halloween, then T has surgery, then it's thanksgiving, then it's T's play and then it's christmas, then it's new year's), not enough money and I can't leave the baby for more than a few hours because she needs to eat. I'm not sure how to recover. And it sucks that people don't even think this should be a traumatic experience, that I should just be over it by now, 4 days later. I don't know what to do about it.
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I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Oct 23, 2010 12:14 pm

*hugs for Steph*

You're a good mama, and potholes are a pain in the butt. I can barely steer your average shopping cart at the best of times, let alone with big potholes! Your kids are okay, and someday they might even find it a funny memory. Can you afford the time for a massage or pedicure or something else soothing? Like a mini in-town vacation?
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Gravity Defier » Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:07 pm

*hugs Steph* Oh, Steph...it's just not your month, is it?
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby zeroguy » Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:25 pm

Bob,

A few days late mentioning it, but holy hell, I'm actually going. I wouldn't think it possible to get myself to actually go, but... now there's actually quite a bit of money wasted if I chicken out. So it might actually happen... which is incredibly nerve-wracking. This is probably the most nervous I've ever been just thinking about doing something. Hopefully by the time it rolls around I will have calmed down.

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Postby Petra456 » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:03 pm

Bob,

Pretty stressful day, my mom and little sister were in a car accident. They're alright now, but the half hour ride to the hospital and waiting to hear from them after the ambulance got there was some of the scariest moments of my life. I feel completely drained, and this head ache wont go away. I'm so thankful everyone is ok, but my Mom is worried about what they're going to do now. How she's going to get to work, and how she's going to find/afford another car. They didn't have insurance (couldn't afford it), which makes everything a lot more expensive.

Today just really sucked, and i'm sure it's just the beginning of more sucky days.
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Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Mon Oct 25, 2010 8:42 am

Dear Bob,

I feel like I accomplished something this shift. I got the laundry done, prepped everything needed for the meals, even the veggies for stir-fry, and sharpened all the knives (and dear lord did they ever need it). I'm actually curious how it will all turn out, and I'm a bit sad I won't be there to eat any of it.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Yebra » Mon Oct 25, 2010 2:54 pm

Dear Bob,

I'm definitely getting some dark side points for this one.
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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Oct 25, 2010 6:01 pm

Bob,

My mother's boyfriend is hitting the road this week; he'll be back for Thanksgiving, back on the road until Christmas, back for that, back on the road in January until April. At least, that's the latest update.

She's upset (FB status: Falling in love is the easy part. What happens after...not always so easy.), he's getting angry. When I went to look for lunch, he was cussing up a storm over something. I beelined back to my room. The cussing doesn't scare me or anything but I don't need to be around that, you know?

A little mean, too, maybe. Or else I'm too sensitive. "Hey, you should wear your hair like that more often. It actually makes you look like a woman instead of..." He never finished that one. I didn't need him to.

My mom thinks I'm an a******. When she was done telling me about his work travel plans, she told me basically I should be happy, it'll be like before he moved in for a while. My unhappiness in this house is so beyond his being here that I am a little insulted. She's right, I didn't particularly enjoy his being here ,but I wouldn't change that if I could because his being here makes her happy. What of me being unhappy? It's the default. It's old hat and comfortable.

Now, this quote from the book I read yesterday is being taken out of context but it applies with regards to my opinion on finding and holding onto happiness:

"As much as she's heard about it, she's always seen it as akin to going on safari or joining a bowling league, an activity practiced by others that she herself would probably never participate in. That she is now participating does not feel like a relief, it does not feel like proof of anything she yearns for proof of. It feels unreal, and provokes that sense of being actors in a play."

I've been dabbling in happiness a bit here and there lately and that is spot on; it doesn't feel like a relief. It's strange. Maybe happiness is an acquired taste.


I took some pictures yesterday for the Day thing and it was a surprisingly busy day by my standards but the pictures were so timid. I compared them to the first one I did and even though I wasn't working for that one and so aimless in a sense, those pictures seemed so much more confident. I knew things then that I can't claim to know now. Not in an intellectual sense, in an instinctual, emotional sense. Turns out I was wrong about a lot of it but that doesn't change what I knew and thus how I acted on it - I promise that makes perfect sense.



I almost did a picture tour of the city. The person from my last DY (unless I've done one that I've forgotten about) was supposed to visit me this year. I did two before that, three years apart, and it was my turn to get the visit three years after my last one. It's not happening and over and over again, I'm getting hit with the realization that it's important to me that someone who matters to me see here, even as I spend time trying to convince others (read: me, really, I'm trying to convince me) it's not worth the trouble. It's a s*** hole, I hate it, and with any luck I'll never have to live here again once I get out but it's full of my history like no other place. I want someone to be witness to all the little stuff because that'll mean I am important enough for that little stuff to matter somehow. There are days I irrationally worry I'll disappear for lack of having anyone to tell the little stuff to.

"You won't believe it. While I was doing the yard, this old guy was "walking" his dog by driving him around, leashed up, on a golf cart."

I'll forget about that in a week and so would anyone I could tell that to but that's important and not entirely just then, in the moment. Life is made up of so many small, forgettable things that they're all important in their supposed insignificance. Like sand in an hourglass, maybe.



Anyway, also from the book I read yesterday:

Image
Image

What's your opinion, Bob? Moving to Chicago isn't a terrible idea, is it?
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Rei » Tue Oct 26, 2010 1:02 am

Dear Bob,

This evening I was clearing out those "You May Know" suggestions at Facebook and it suggested Her. Apparently married now (or so I assume by the changed surname), so good for her. Location still marked as being in this region, more's the pity.

f*** I hate Facebook.
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Postby Rei » Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:36 am

Dear Bob,

I'm currently looking at applying for a job for January that I feel woefully under-qualified for. Especially going through the application questions. But I do think I can do the job, and it would be a good job, plus the experience would be spectacular. I guess I'm just afraid that they'll just ignore me based on my lack of previous experience.

Rei
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~Blaise Pascal


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Postby locke » Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:11 am

bob,

wow, I am so busy these past few and upcoming weeks, geez.
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Postby Jayelle » Thu Oct 28, 2010 5:20 am

Bob,

My grandpa died. It is exactly as I feared. I am too pregnant to fly to the funeral. This hurts so very much.

JL

ETA: Also, f*** this timezone and everyone I know being asleep right now. No one is going to respond to my post/facebook post/twitter for another couple of hours and I can't call anyone in my family.
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Postby starlooker » Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:42 am

I am so, so, so sorry, Jan.

Many hugs, thoughts, and prayers for you and your family.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Rei » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:25 am

*hugs for Jan*

I really understand how awful that is. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Petrie » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:31 am

This is the very definition of unfair. This sucks, Jan. *hugs*

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Postby buckshot » Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:31 pm

Sorry for your loss , we don't get enough time with Grandparents.

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Postby Young Val » Fri Oct 29, 2010 2:36 pm

Dear Bob,

I just got a lovely email from a former intern of mine. She and I have stayed in facebook-touch, recommending books to each other here and there and commenting on a photo or two. She was my last, and arguably best intern, and I really admire her as a person.

She wrote to me to ask for my career advice (she's doing great, and I am so proud of her!) and she was so kind and so sweet, and said so many small things that really touched me when asking for my opinion.

It means so much to me to know that I was able to help another girl get a leg up in this career. I never had a female mentor, and I wanted one so desperately. I'm honored that this girl values my opnion so highly, and regardless of my own career plateau at the moment, it is so, so, so heartwarming to know that I am good at what I do, and I have served as an example to other young women who love books and want to be a part of that process.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Petrie
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Title: GD in Disguise

Postby Petrie » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:11 am

Bob,

Last night, I was over at my former roommate's/former high school classmate's and was surrounded by more of the latter, who once upon a time I fancied as friends but haven't seen in years in some cases, months in most. I didn't want to be there because I got to see how their connection never frayed the way most of mine with them did before we even graduated high school.

At one point, we're sitting there talking about abuse and being hit as a child (one of many, many random topics including when the government was going to start manufacturing zombies and what would we do if the plague that causes it hit when we're in [store]). Everyone had these horror stories about stairs and hallways and I told them, my parents only ever spanked me once because just raising their voice was effective on me in all cases but that one.

Jersey tells me, very matter of factly, "Maybe that's what your problem is." When I'm around these people, it takes all that I have not to turn into this spineless, quiet observer because that's exactly who I was in high school -though I wonder if I've changed as much as I fancy I have- but I was feeling feisty last night. "What exactly is wrong with me?" No answer. Jersey's boyfriend: "All the people I know who've never been spanked as a child are the most socially awkward people I know." Me, to Jersey: "Is that what you're saying? That I am socially awkward and it's a problem?" Jersey, "No, no..." S jumps in at this point -I have not seen her since the month of my arrest: "You're not socially awkward, you just hate society." And the conversation moved on from there.

That seemed to speak so loudly to me. People who are supposed to know me see me as this hateful person. I don't hate people. I fear them. I keep them at a distance so they can't hurt me. I judge them, the harshest typically when -and because- I want some aspect of what I assume they have. I don't hate them.

Am I awful?

At least I had a moment of vindication when one of them told me, concerning this guy J, "He's a douche for how he treated you. You were his friend when no one else was and he threw you under the bus the first chance he got." I was beginning to think I made this awful part of my life up, like I was the only one who noticed, so it had to be in my head.


---------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I can't face myself; it goes without saying that in those moments, I can't face others. My brain undulates between having confidence in my decisions, actions, and the things I say and insecurity, doubt, and fear for those very same things. I go from clarity to confusion and back again, a million times, getting confused as to why I'm confused because it just makes sense, dammit and then seeing perfectly why I have every right to be because nothing about how I got here makes any sense.


Why does the joke always seem to be on me?

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starlooker
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Postby starlooker » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:02 pm

Dear Bob,

We finally woke up in time to go to church. We've been meaning to since getting back from the wedding because A) we want to get into the habit and B) we really like the pastor who did our pre-marital counseling and don't want him to think we just used him without intending to follow through in some fashion. Also, for me, after watching "The Assassination of Dr. Tiller," and doing some follow-up googling, I realized what an incredibly strong community this must be, to continue worshipping through protestors and hatred. And I admire that.

We ended up getting there late, but we got there. And I'm very glad. Because it was Reformation Sunday! (That's not the only reason, but that's part.) The day in which every Lutheran church of every stripe is obligated by some unwritten law to sing, "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God." I've been reading the Dragonlance series lately, and you know what I love about that song, I realized? It has no fear of epic and sweeping images. Sin boldly, said Luther. Also, lyricize boldly, I guess he figured.

And, afterwards, it was fun to listen to D introduce me to about everyone we ran into as "my wife" and to realize how much fun he was having saying that. :)

So, tomorrow we're going to an orientation class for people considering joining the church. There are supposed to be about 6-8 other people there, and I am excited and hopeful -- maybe we'll make some friends. We sure need them.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Eaquae Legit
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:22 pm

That's so great, Kirsten. :) I hope you find some friends at church. And I agree with you about older songs. How are you enjoying Dragonlance? I usually hear of people encountering it in their teens, so I'm curious what you think of it. (Perhaps in the other thread?)
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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starlooker
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Postby starlooker » Tue Nov 02, 2010 2:49 pm

Dear Bob,

It went fairly well last night. We didn't get a chance to do much socializing with the other new members, but we all went around and talked about where we were from and our religious backgrounds and a time we had seen God in our lives. There was a nice-seeming couple with two kids who I would like to get to know -- they were describing their struggles to put down roots which is very similar to what we're going through.

I really do love the pastor that did the premarital counseling with us. He is SO enthusiastic when he talks. I actually almost got tears in my eyes when he was talking about God coming down to meet us where we were instead of struggling to find God. I like the other pastor as well. I also like how many ministries they have and how they partner with other churches who have community projects instead of trying to do everything on their own. I feel good. I want to find a niche.

I just got hit over the head last night with the realization that I need to have a place to go and rest and people to nourish me in my life and my journey. I love my job, but it takes a big mental toll sometimes, and there is a big part of me really longing for some sort of nurturance. This is probably why I am so lazy at home these days. Which is not what I want. Basically, I need a life and I need friends.

And here's the other thing I realized last night -- I'm scared to need people or to become close friends with someone because I am a psychologist. Because in some ways, not unlike the ministry, my role is who people see me as. I've never had this problem before. My friends in ND were all either graduate students or people who knew me before I had my degree. I don't know what it would be like to be in a friendship anymore, or if it's going to be hard to find people to see me outside my professional role. And in some ways, I'm scared I'm letting my profession down if I let that role down. It's a lonely thought. I'm afraid of drawing friends who want free therapy and then disappointing them when I want to talk about myself.

Not that there's anyone quite yet to really worry about this with.

But -- that doesn't mean I haven't had some experiences that don't jive with this reality. It was bad enough as a grad student. "What do you do?" "I'm a psychologist." And then wait for small talk to resume.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter


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