Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
Confessions
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Postby Confessions » Mon Jul 19, 2010 2:27 pm

Bob,

I cried more last week than I had in the two years before it.

That's not a bad thing. I don't know if crying, on average, twice a year, was so healthy for me. Sometimes I felt like crying but for some reason couldn't. It's almost always when I've been feeling safe and comfortable with my life that I could actually break down and cry. (The crying often comes at the point where the faith is broken).

But that's not how it went this time. This wasn't significant, downright-miserable crying. I was just feeling sick and a bit lonely and exhausted beyond measure, and that was enough. And lately, everything's just felt so right. I've never felt so normal.

Yes, normal. Edging closer to nineteen is an odd time to start feeling like a normal teenage girl, but then again I've always been sort of backwards. Did I need my time away from high school to recalibrate myself? Probably. I hadn't gotten along with my high school as well as I should've. Change of scenery? No doubt that helped. Psyching myself out about the right thing this time?

It played a role, the psych-out factor. Sure it did. I've seen it in play way too many times in my life not to give it the respect it deserves. But I don't think it's the entire explanation. There was something else there, obviously. And so I finally got to understand things I just didn't get before: the appeal that dances hold. The importance of a girl alliance. Calling someone a skank (not to her face, I'm not like that) and really meaning it.

After all that overall positivity, there's one thing I wish for myself: not to get stuck in the old high-school rut again, in that feeling of abnormality and misery. Let it be.
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Postby Eddie Pinz » Tue Jul 20, 2010 7:54 am

Bob,

August 27th...

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Postby ValentineNicole » Tue Jul 20, 2010 4:02 pm

Bob,

August 27th...
*hugs*

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Postby Rei » Wed Jul 21, 2010 5:20 pm

Dear Bob,

I want to move out. January really, really feels like it can't come soon enough.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Rei » Fri Jul 23, 2010 12:24 am

Dear Bob,

I'm in a very strange place in life. Some of it is almost certainly due to feeling out of place living in my parents' home again. Some of it is probably due to living back in this town again. Some of it is likely due to being in a line of work that is not something I would intrinsically seek out. These are all likely contributing factors to feeling off and strange.

But I also don't feel really... at home with myself. I keep questioning who I am and trying to explore the questions of identity. And then I question the questioning and whether that is something I should even be doing. Perhaps it is better to let who I am take its own course unexamined so that I do not artificially push it into some place which is not really who I'm meant to be (after all, it's tempting to seek out something that at the time seems more romantic or enticing or whatever, but which is not actually a good fit for us). But at the same time, it could be that to live with my current person unexamined I will be tossed by the currents and be wildly dragged into dangerous places which could have been otherwise avoided or at least prepared for had I taken the time to look.

It doesn't help that in some ways the stakes are really quite high. Quite a lot higher than I care to be dealing in, but such is the hand I've been dealt. And sometimes--often, really--it seems that the decisions I make, don't make, postpone all hold powerful sway over where all of this is going. Wherever that is.

And it worries me, because I'm not sure who I will be--who I already am and what I am uncovering (or is it creating? or some combination thereof? I do not know). And I don't know if I like who that person is; if I will like who that person is in the future; if that's a good thing or not; who will or even can accept who that person is or will be. I certainly know that there will be some very important people who would be thrown wildly if ever they hear of any of this. People who will be hurt and people who will be angry and confused.

And yet, on some level I am certain of one thing and one thing alone: I must put one foot in front of the next as each day turns into each day. These things don't generally resolve overnight, and I'm not sure that I'd trust it if it did. And who knows? Perhaps as I keep walking, suddenly I'll look back and realise that this was all far smaller than I feared.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Eaquae Legit » Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:32 pm

Bob! We were out walking today and we saw a changeling child! She was small like a one-year-old, but shaped like a five-year-old. You know, not chubby and stumbly and rubbery like an infant, just... scaled down. She was adorable and elfin, and after we passed her by, we turned to each other and said "that child is a very unusual size, isn't she?"
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Postby starlooker » Fri Jul 23, 2010 9:53 pm

She could've had Williams Syndrome. The kiddo I used to work with was a seven year old who weighed about as much as a three year old. Symptom descriptions actually often use the term "elflike" regarding their appearance.

I miss that kid sometimes. She was an absolute blast.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Rei » Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:30 pm

Dear Bob,

Erg. I am disappointed.

Also, I'm gearing myself up to say something. We'll see if I actually will.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby Jayelle » Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:39 pm

She could've had Williams Syndrome. The kiddo I used to work with was a seven year old who weighed about as much as a three year old. Symptom descriptions actually often use the term "elflike" regarding their appearance.

I miss that kid sometimes. She was an absolute blast.
I read an article about William's Syndrome awhile ago and almost thought Ginny fit the bill, except the delays in milestones. Several of the symptoms matched up for her, it was weird!
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Postby Rei » Sun Jul 25, 2010 8:47 am

Dear Bob,

I guess it's into the breach work-wise, today. They won't let me attempt to avoid heat exhaustion because that means I'm "not doing [my] job", so I guess I'll just have to take my chances today and see what happens. And with any luck I won't get horribly ill and need to go home early.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby daPyr0x » Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:01 pm

Bob,

Between my failed socializing attempts and the government-forced secrecy around what is arguably my most social hobby, I feel like a pariah. I know I'm not so unique and intolerant that there aren't people with whom I can comfortably socialize, or places to go; I just don't know where they are. I tried finding a bar with live music - right up my alley. Somehow managed to get a 'group' together (2 other guys) to go with me so I'd actually go and wouldn't be the loser sitting alone at the bar.

Well, we were the losers sitting alone at the bar. Empty; on a Friday night. One of the people I was with mentioned numerous times how very unusual that was for that particular bar, and that the others in the area had similar amounts of patronage tonight for some reason. Regardless, knowing that I was the motivator to bring people out to that bar with me, for something I was interested in....and find that. It's pretty disheartening. It stimulates the feeling that I am that alone in this world. Or, at least, that I'm fundamentally flawed in such a way that I will never be able to socialize with women.

"What," you ask? Wasn't the whole purpose to socialize, not to 'pick up'? Well, yes. But I socialize with enough men as it is. As much as adding to that "friend bank" inevitably puts me in a position through which I can be introduced to more women, or at least finally have friendships that I don't always have to travel to maintain; it just seems so not worth my while. Most men hold me back. Either they are too like me in that we can converse at the levels I prefer, but are just as reclusive and reluctant to socialize as I; or they're the polar opposite, and I get "turned off" by their lack of depth. I've no interest in hanging out with coke-sniffing "party" guys who are out to start s*** and get laid. Not because I'm too good for them, but because I inevitably end up at the absolute bottom of the social ladder for my lack of will to chase either of those objectives. I've got enough guys, I can successfully meet guy friends; though I generally don't need to. Yes, I'm that heartless. I want more women in my life. Really, that's why I wanted to go out in the first place. That's why I want to find a "place" for myself. I want to find a place where I can hang out, be comfortable, and meet people like me, meet women like me.

You know that light, that glow, that seems to emanate from a beautiful woman as she laughs, enjoying your company? I want that. It doesn't matter if the relationship is of a romantic, platonic, or some sexually involved mix of the two, level; the light'll still show. Perhaps not as 'bright' in some situations as others, but that's not really relevant either. It's fun being a flirt, regardless of whether or not there's any sexual tension or intentions behind it. I can flirt with girl friends (not girlfriends - difference), doesn't work quite the same with guy friends. Even if it did, it's hard to fake basic physical attraction...

No matter, I continue down this road, exploring at what opportunities I have. I just wonder at which point I will be able to sufficiently merge with society.

I came up with a good title for an album; "Not fit for Human Consumption"
Now to write 75 minutes of music behind it...

--Cam
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"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Postby Rei » Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:42 pm

Dear Bob,

I don't like being in an environment where my employer manipulates via carefully unspoken threats. I want out of there, and if it weren't so hard to get even this job I might consider just dropping it. I would miss at least one person I work with occasionally and one of the guys who collects bottles from the lot (who also on occasion brings me cold pop!), but other than that it would be tempting upon leaving to shake the dust from my feet as a testament against them.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby starlooker » Tue Jul 27, 2010 8:37 am

Dear Bob,

I hate hate hate hate hate financial worries. And I hate my fiance's job. Not just because it contributes to the financial worries, but because the hours are horrible and he hates it so much. I am really, really hoping that he gets a new job he found to apply for. It's going to be 2nd shift, which sucks, but that's pretty much what he's ended up doing now. Maybe something 1st shift will open up down the line. And, anyhow, the pay would be better. And I think he would just feel better about himself and what he is doing (i.e., NOT working for Evil Health Insurance) and about being able to contribute more to bills.

Understand, please, Bob, I'm not worried about that last bit, other than being worried about finances in general. He contributes what he can and he works hard and he does things around the house and he makes my life generally better in about 1,000 various ways. I grew up with my parents constantly shifting jobs, and taking turns moving for the sake of the other person's career, and I just continually saw the teeter-totter of it growing up. So, to me, it's just a natural thing -- right now, I'm in a more stable position and can contribute more financially, down the line, who knows what will happen -- it could very easily go the other way. It just hurts me because I know it hurts him.

And he thinks he might get fired and I think we're both more than half-hoping he will be, even if there isn't a new job in sight. It's incredibly hard for one of the most respectful and naturally friendly and helpful people on God's green earth to work for a call center that only cares about getting the customers off of the phone as fast as possible. Particularly when the clientele are mainly elderly customers with health problems.

If I could snap my fingers and pick a future for us, we'd win a PowerBall lottery and then start a foundation or endowment of some sort where we just go around and help people, Extreme Home Makeover style.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:46 am

Dear Bob,

I hate hate hate hate hate financial worries. And I hate my fiance's job. Not just because it contributes to the financial worries, but because the hours are horrible and he hates it so much. I am really, really hoping that he gets a new job he found to apply for. It's going to be 2nd shift, which sucks, but that's pretty much what he's ended up doing now. Maybe something 1st shift will open up down the line. And, anyhow, the pay would be better. And I think he would just feel better about himself and what he is doing (i.e., NOT working for Evil Health Insurance) and about being able to contribute more to bills.

Understand, please, Bob, I'm not worried about that last bit, other than being worried about finances in general. He contributes what he can and he works hard and he does things around the house and he makes my life generally better in about 1,000 various ways. I grew up with my parents constantly shifting jobs, and taking turns moving for the sake of the other person's career, and I just continually saw the teeter-totter of it growing up. So, to me, it's just a natural thing -- right now, I'm in a more stable position and can contribute more financially, down the line, who knows what will happen -- it could very easily go the other way. It just hurts me because I know it hurts him.

And he thinks he might get fired and I think we're both more than half-hoping he will be, even if there isn't a new job in sight. It's incredibly hard for one of the most respectful and naturally friendly and helpful people on God's green earth to work for a call center that only cares about getting the customers off of the phone as fast as possible. Particularly when the clientele are mainly elderly customers with health problems.

If I could snap my fingers and pick a future for us, we'd win a PowerBall lottery and then start a foundation or endowment of some sort where we just go around and help people, Extreme Home Makeover style.
Can we come too, as your trusty sidekicks?

Oh man, so much of that resonated with me.
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Postby starlooker » Tue Jul 27, 2010 1:33 pm


Can we come too, as your trusty sidekicks?
You both are absolutely invited along! It'll be amazing and fun and meaningful and fun and worthwhile and also, it would be fun!

(Fun is very absent from my life right now, could you tell?)

*hugs*

Things'll stabilize soon, hopefully, for all of us.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Graff^ » Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:06 pm

Dear bob

Because I haven't commented in milagre in like a month I no longer am caught up on the issues so this is my start. :)
Where does friendship end and love begin?

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Postby ValentineNicole » Tue Jul 27, 2010 10:25 pm

Bob,

I'm scared, and I can't sleep.

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Postby buckshot » Wed Jul 28, 2010 10:46 am

Bob, I hope I'm ready for harvest, I get that sinking feeling some piece of machinery is worn and neglected just waiting to fail me at the worst time. I guess I should plan for disaster and hope for the best. I'm tempted to disapear for a while with Julie and go huckleberry picking or just sightseeing somewhere.

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Postby VelvetElvis » Wed Jul 28, 2010 5:43 pm

Dear Bob,

I had a happy, happy birthday. AND not a single patient had to be put in leathers. Now that's what I call a good week.

-Helen
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby daPyr0x » Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:45 pm

Bob,

I have a friend who's been woo-ing a girl lately, or trying to. I'm sure he's doing just fine, but he overthinks things to an extent I outgrew a little while ago, or at least I like to tell myself as such. He comes to me for advice and that.

Between the self-reflection that brings and other conversations I've been having lately, I'm being forced to confront a truth that surprises even me. I'm a commitment-phobe. In fact, I am currently doing everything in my power to rid myself of all commitments. I want nothing to do with them.

I feel a weight on my life like no other. It is as though trying to walk through deep mud, but the walk is my life. Really, at this point the biggest weight is (merely) financial/career, and I'm working on that. I'm committed to that. I'm committed to that, though, because I am the only person upon whom that depends. This essentially sums up how I feel about committing, and being responsible to or for, anybody else. "We're helping! We're helping!" No, that's a lie; that's how I feel about the whole world. Yes, I'm that much of an arrogant ass, f*** you if you disagree 'cause I'm right and you're wrong, stupid!

Just checking if you were still paying attention. It's true though, I trust absolutely nobody to be capable of enriching my life, and have a general expectation to be held back in some way, shape, or form by anyone with the capability. I'm really, really committed to things I choose to do, and I know I'm pretty damn good at bringing whatever I need to fruition. Maybe if for once in my life I had some of the actual success that I keep getting promised for my hard work I'd have a little more faith in others. Unfortunately, watching my boss - who somehow manages to only spend 1-2 weeks per month at the office (yes, the person whose sole responsibility is the in-house customer service and technical support manages them en absentia, by effective delegation of all of his work to the only person in the department who'll do it without complaining), the new sales manager who was brought in - another salesman's cousin - without so much as an internal job posting, and essentially all but the uppermost levels of management not giving a s***, especially with half of the company leaving over the past 2 years... Why the f*** would I work hard for them? I want so very badly to put my full effort into something. I even asked for it - a project to implement an awesome customer service tool for the company - though I suspect my name was vetoed due to my lack of tenure with the corporation. Of course, I don't actually trust that my tenure will genuinely get me anywhere; the sales manager hiring was direct proof of that as I personally know others in the company who've been very vocal about having their eye on that position for years now. f***, it wasn't long ago that I was promised a cushy "manager" job...until it evaporated and was replaced with a Trump-esque firing.

4 fucking years of busting my ASS for that job, thinking I was furthering my career and building a valuable resume; yet here I am, back on another dead-end technical support job. I could've done this job at 18, with one arm. I bet even then I'd be able to see the glaring inefficiencies throughout the organization that are seriously pulling them down. I watch my team lead (the aforementioned person the boss shoves all his work on to) bust his ass, working long hours and getting hardcore stressed over everything, and I'm just thinking, "Man why the hell are you bothering?" I can't rationalize all his extra work in the face of so many others contributing to the laziness and waste that's prevalent throughout. Not when it's on his boss to make sure things go well, not him. But if he's busting his ass and has been for the years he's spent with the company, and that's all he's at...why the f*** should I bother? I don't want to be where I am tomorrow much less after putting in 4 years with the company. I have nothing, whatsoever, invested in or committed to this job. I have been told at every job I've ever had how many opportunities I have, and once they're deserved, how unavailable they are. I'm not going to get disappointed again.

Funny, years ago I was prepared to commit my entire life; now I don't even want to commit 8 hours. I just want to have no commitments, whatsoever. I just want to live, just want to feel life, not live in fear of going against the commitments I've made.

HAH! I FUCKING CAUGHT YOU.
....I get it now.
f*** you ICOC. I remember explaining to you how strong my convictions about sticking to my commitments were as my reasoning for not joining the mind-f*** that was your organization. Now I finally understand why you didn't challenge that - you programmed it in to me. Very successfully, I might add.

I think I might need to see someone about all this. Not that I can actually afford it, or have any idea whatsoever how I'd make that happen (seeing as I've not seen a physician of any sort in years, and my family doctor retired during that time). The deeper I look for explanations to my feelings/actions/past the more I see remnants of the brainwashing. It was scary going back and seeing some of the kid's lessons again, hearing sermon recordings, voices I remember. I'm just glad I finally redirected the "leader" role as being myself. I would've made a great "Christian" if I'd ever latched on to using their preachers for that leader role. Good thing I've got a knack for seeing through bullshit. Nature trumps nurture again, motherfuckers!

I will not be disappoint. Not again
On purpose :-p

--Me
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Confessions
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Postby Confessions » Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:17 pm

Bob,

I feel so lost. The simplicity of that statement doesn't begin to cover the emotions.

But it's not time, yet; day 10 hurts as much, if not more than, day 1. When it's time, I'll be back under my own name.


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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:11 pm

Dear Bob,

I got engaged!!!!

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-Kim

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Postby Syphon the Sun » Mon Aug 02, 2010 9:20 pm

Congratulations, Kimmie!

(And JL already let the cat out of the bag.)
Happy Birthday Kim! (and congrats on the engagement :) )
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Postby Petra456 » Mon Aug 02, 2010 10:59 pm

Congratulations Kimmie!!! I've said it a couple of times before, but it's still awesome! : )
Member since March 16th, 2004.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

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Postby Rei » Mon Aug 02, 2010 11:33 pm

Congratulations, Kimmie!



Dear Bob,

I feel like I'm wandering through a haze of confusion. It is a long-lived haze.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


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Postby neo-dragon » Wed Aug 04, 2010 10:16 pm

Hey Bob,

I know we don't talk much, but I just felt like expressing this somewhere. In retrospect I had a really great group of students last year. I actually miss many of them. I'm glad that I will have some of them again in the fall, and I hope lightning strikes twice and my new students will be awesome too. You know something Bob, I still have a lot to learn before I'm as good a teacher as I want to be, but I am very proud of the work I do.

It's funny that I get this way now. When September rolls around I'll be cursing and counting how many weeks I have to endure before it's Christmas break :D

neo
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Postby Gravity Defier » Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:14 am

Bob,

My happiness is much like a house of cards. In the right hands, it can grow to be something beautiful, marvelous, breath-taking, complicated in all its simplicity. But, just like a house of cards, it takes virtually nothing to tear it down. A gust of doubt, a breeze of fear, a breath of insecurity.



If one more person tells me "stay strong", "be strong", "you are strong", I'm likely to fall apart into pieces so small, I'm not sure I'd be able to collect and put myself all back together again.

I am hopeful at times, nothing more, and quite frankly, hope is exhausting and brutal.




For basically two weeks, I have lived with the constant feeling of despair, settled quite nicely in the pit of my stomach; it's becoming something of a dear old friend.

I wake up, filled with cautious hope, go through my routine, hope gives way, back to despair. It's always the worst first thing in the morning. By bedtime, it's usually back down to a dull ache.



Posting this, being here right now is a failing.


I've gone back and forth on this as often as everything else.

How will it be seen? How will it be taken? Does it mean I was lying about what I said? Does it make it less meaningful? Don't know, don't know, absolutely not, I don't think so. There is still a rather large empty space for me. I miss so much, regret so much, hate so much, want so much, wish so much.

All it means is: I am lost. I am floundering. This place is the only consistent anchor I've known. Don't begrudge me for being weak enough to accept a lifesaver while drowning.


I have lost the ability to trust myself; either my thoughts or my actions. So here I am, not trusting this was the wise thing to do, hoping to restore...something. Because this is not 2005 and this is not 2008; I do not have the luxury of being able to fall apart the way I want to, for a certain definition of want, and have been.

Bob, it's "Tears of a Clown" time. Ready or not, here I am. If this fucks things up, well, what the hell is new there?
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Aug 07, 2010 1:44 pm

Bob, I really wish I could be a hermit today. I really want some quiet alone time. But I cannot be a hermit today and I have to go to work. Tomorrow is hermit day, though. Even gonna make sure I have food prepared so I don't need to be upstairs too much in the kitchen.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Rei » Sat Aug 07, 2010 5:41 pm

Dear Bob,

I have that sickening feeling like I just made a horrible mistake by asking if I can leave work early. I mean, it's absolutely dead there, today. More dead than I've ever seen it. And they were losing money by having me there (and it's super boring just standing there waiting for a customer to show up, let alone for one to need help). But I still feel really insecure about my decision to call my manager and let him know that it is dead and then to ask to go a bit earlier than he initially suggested (as it would be far more convenient for my ride).

Also, they want me to come into an early morning meeting at head office (an hour away from home) on my day off. I'm not sure what it's about, but I'm hoping to get an inkling tomorrow when I confirm that I can in fact make it. It could be a basic staff meeting (although I've never been asked to go to one before), or I could be getting the sack, or it could be something else. I have no clue.

~Rei
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


私は。。。誰?

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Postby Gravity Defier » Sun Aug 08, 2010 5:53 pm

Bob,

A June and July retrospective, if you will. As my grandmother informed me recently, not knowing what was wrong specifically and me not wanting to talk about specifics with her, the only way to get over something is to talk about it until it heals. Apparently, that's how she and I both work, though I understand that doesn't work for everyone. The problem is, I was actively working to stop remembering dates for certain, memorable things after someone made an innocent comment to me years ago about that being a habit of mine and now don't remember when some of this stuff happened. Some of it I'll only be able to place because of timestamps on various internet/computer related things.

Wow. Just now, gearing up for this post, this song came on (one of the many in my lineup of necessary songs these days) and something just clicked that should have been so damn obvious but really wasn't until right now. I want to tell Him I get part of where, or how, it went wrong on my end. I can't. I'll write it down in my journal, just in case it ever matters.

Anyhow, back to the retrospective.

At some point, May, June, early July at the latest, I don't know when, my mom found out she was able to and thus was going to go on vacation with her boyfriend for the entirety of the month of August. I was thrilled for what it meant for her but also pretty immediately panicked about what it was going to mean for me. I'm now just under nine months before the process of Freedom One can begin and the closer it gets, the more doubtful I am that it will go smoothly or quickly. Afterall, the last attempt, a year ago, dragged into July -with no resolution- and we started in late April. So, even though I'm officially done in a little under 9 months, the process is still closer to a year from being dealt with. Knowing all that, having been through 27 months of it so far, should make one little month easy enough to get through. But my life, so stripped of anything resembling a life, would be stripped down even more to the bare bones of being alive and I could not wrap my head around that.

Wake up, ride my bike to work, work, ride home, spend the entire rest of my day alone. Weekends would be entirely alone. For a month. No one to take me to the movies and be my safety. No one to just be around. No way to go to my class and thus forced to resort to the treadmill for all exercise.

My dad is in town, as are two of my brothers, but they do not have the time and/or resources to help. Unless I moved in with my dad for the month. That was an option, one that I thought long and hard about but ultimately turned down because of what it would mean for my ability to keep in touch with Pwebbers, who were and have been my greatest source of strength these past 27 months. No internet and 90% of my communication with Pwebbers is through IM. It would also fail to address my class, so I'd still be stuck with a treadmill for exercise. Also, Voldemort (ex-step-mother).

We've spent the past few weeks building up a reserve of things I'll need while she's gone. Things like milk, my yogurts can't be helped. I'll need to walk to the store for that and send a quick text to a family member saying "Leaving for store","At store", and "Leaving for home" so that my whereabouts are accounted for at all times. Just in case. After many, many talks, we've decided it's the lesser evil for me to drive myself to class, since my dad won't be able to step in because he works in the evening for Parks and Rec. It's far enough away that it wouldn't be safe enough to walk back home from and biking on that particular road at night would be equally dangerous. I'm terrified. All it takes is one little mistake and I'm screwed. I've had a lot of time to look forward to that fear. I'm now officially living in it. I have a hard time with sleep in general but especially when I know I'm alone in a house; good practice for Chicago, though, eh?

When did her boyfriend even officially move in? It was months after he was supposed to but great as he is -and he is; he took me out to dinner and a movie two weeks ago to help me at the height of this whole breakdown- that doesn't change my comfort level with him here in this house. My mom's attention has largely gone to him, meaning I can't talk to her the way I could before. I lost time just sitting around watching movies with her because she was with him. Everything started to revolve around him. It was lonely, after he moved in. She's been my biggest in person companion for a long time now. My local friends are by and large entirely non-options now. The last time I hung out with one was within a week, I believe, of the Stanley Cup. I saw one yesterday who gave up on me within a few months of April 2008 and she acted as though she didn't know me. Another, I invited out and she said yes but never showed; that was...nearly a month ago? I don't remember the date, just that I came home and started talking to Him.

June 7th (according to my journal) was the day I said "f*** this" to Brat. As though that means it was the last time I've talked to him. I've gotten a lot of s*** over that whole mess. I just wanted to go back to being his friend and wanting nothing more. That's all I ever wanted and that's why I begged him for the longest time to kill my misplaced hope. All this fuss I've made about not wanting to talk to him, telling him to f*** off, has been so I can more easily separate behavior/thoughts that are habitual holdovers from liking him. It was my hope to be friends again without all the baggage and anger related to a failed, unrequited infatuation.

At work, the numbers all around were showing increases. I first tripled, then doubled my programming. A conservative number for programming puts me in charge of 42% of all the programs that have happened at my branch. The other 58% was split between 5 other people. My attendance shot up 400% one month and then 36% again over that. The number of books simply being looked at in my department, that I caught, shot up by ~200%. The circulation was up by about as much, I think, in my department and likewise for the adult collection (for which I'm also partly responsible for). Computer lab usage put us second only to Main, with wireless third in the district. With a shared population served between us and Main of 119,290 people, the only branches that we have a larger staff than boast populations of 19,730 and 6,813 respectively and their numbers put them last in all areas. Our collection is only second in size to Main and a good 30,000 items larger than the next biggest collection. Six people, doing the work that other locations have 10+ to do, not to mention volunteers; we have one reliable one who puts in about 2 hours a week. The places with larger staffs can claim 36%, 31%, 20%, 5% of the total hours put into the district. Our percentage is statistically insignificant. But did I mention, many many times, Bob, that two of my coworkers are dead weight? That on top of that, while I was banned from taking time off over the summer because I was in charge of not only the children's summer reading program but the adults' as well, my coworkers were taking two weeks here, two weeks there for themselves and I was having to fill in for them on the Info desk, more time on the Circ desk (which meant neglecting my department more), more time doing reports and taking care of the register duties, switching nights when needed, busting my ass to keep us in basic running order? There was a long time there when, because of the nature of our schedules, two of us were essentially running the place. Guess what? We're losing a coworker soon, possibly permanently, and I've been pegged as her replacement for programming and shelving until she either comes back or is replaced. I did her job for the first six months I was at the library and was only able to do it because we were slower then. On top of that, I find out on the 27th what other programs I'll be forced to take on starting in the fall. Add on to that the increase in police interactions we've had...fights (in which people have fled from the police), stolen bikes, car broken into. I've been harrassed by a patron and my supervisor is waiting to call the police the next time it happens because we fear he's going to get physically violent as opposed to just verbally dickish. Don't get me wrong; I love this job and I'm grateful for it but a lot of that is because I love my coworkers as people, if not as coworkers. Until and unless things slow back down to the pace we had (could happen, it's all cyclical) last year and a month of this year, this will continue to be a pretty big stress.

The beginning of July, my nieces were here. Ask me where they are now, Bob. I have no fucking clue, other than in the Phoenix area with their mother, who was getting suspicious of my sister-in-law. Ask me how the custody battle is going. Wait, it's not, because CPS and the courts and everything else are all backed up. I have next to no faith it'll work out anyway. My brother and sister-in-law borrowed so much money from me and my dad, in the four digits between the two of us, they'll likely be seen as equally unfit.

Speaking of money, I'm still a bit panicked about my Chicago fund getting touched. I was basically a grand ahead there and now I'm struggling to stay within $100 under. Thank god I'm good enough with money to plan ahead and already planned/saved for CO.

We found syringes and a spoon from my brother's heroin habit in late June or early July and at first, we brushed it off as old but now we're wondering if it's as old as we thought. Either way, we haven't actually heard from him since my nieces left. It's fucking scary, always wondering if he's actually just staying away and still alive or if maybe he slipped again and overdosed.

August 10th is the birth- and deathday of my brother; I never met him, he was older than me by 4 years, but it's always weird for my parents. I'm not sure who it's harder for, my mom who never met him because she was under at the time or my dad, who was there for the 40 minutes of his life. That, honestly, doesn't weigh too heavily on me...just throwing it out there because it's something I at least think about and have been, with the day coming up.

Sometimes, all this stuff is so easy to deal with, to just bundle up and throw in the back of my head, and carry on and a big reason is because so much of it is old hat, with a new twist. You just get used to it.

But sometimes, it all piles up and I start to feel the weight of it and I can't keep it bundled anymore. That was happening. I got scared, of a lot of things, and I pushed when and where I shouldn't have pushed. It was so stupid. I was so stupid.

Music has been both a blessing and a cursing; so much seems to speak against me. But one of the many portions of songs that have come in and out of my head are lyrics from RENT.
Roger
I've been trying - I'm not lying
No one's perfect. I've got baggage

Mimi
Life's too short, babe, time is flying
I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine

Roger
I should tell you --

Mimi
I've got baggage too
It feels, felt, something, somehow relevant.

It had been four years since anything even close to that happened to me. "Sometimes it happens when you least expect it," I was told. All I could think was, "What have I been saying to you for a while now? 'Where did you come from?'" Instead of saying that, thinking there was no way it was or could be reciprocated, I said maybe it's time I stopped denying the chance of it happening right here. Stupid. I feel like Novinha, trying to protect people from me, thinking I know what's best, and hurting them more in the process.

I hurt so much, over everything. How do people cope with life? I fail so often, I wonder how anyone can think for even a second that I'm strong.

f***. I've said too much.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Wil » Mon Aug 09, 2010 3:32 am

Hey Bob.

I don't talk to you much anymore, but that's probably because I don't really have much to say these days. It is kind of sad, but what with a large chunk of my posts having related to KAM, after all of that died down I just didn't have much else to post here. I still do post from time to time, obviously, but I just can't help but feel pointless around here because what I do post is either so inanely stupid (is that like a double negative?) that people can't help but to reply (sorry Jota for 'Your Mom' jokes!), or so inanely boring that people don't even have to reply. If only I had more going on in my life, perhaps I would be more inclined to post more often.

In any case, I decided to drink tonight, alone, just because. Sometimes it is just nice to be drunk. I'm fine drinking alone in that, I do it so carefully (read: nerdy and scientifically) that I track the amount of alcohol I consume over the time such that I can maintain about a 0.07% BAC over the course of a few hours. In this way, I can feel euphoric and giddy for as long as possible to enjoy my time more. Unfortunately, it wasn't as fun as it normally was because, well, what with nothing significant to occupy my thoughts it was for the most part boring with some amount of Halo 3 to occupy my time. On top of this, I've never actually done shots before and as it stands I have plans to go do shots with my cousins in two weeks, so I figured perhaps I should try it out first. I do believe that it is now my favorite form of drinking so long as your intention is to get drunk, not to just be social. However, I worry that it could be extremely easy to go overboard. We'll see.

Most of the thinking comes from the wait while my body metabolizes the alcohol in my system. Tonight I spent a lot of time thinking about los primos esposa. She told me the other day that her New Years resolution was to look better and to look less like a mother. The fact that she's flirting with me, combined with the fact that she has asked me several times if she looks like she is thirty-five, and if it looks as if she has had three kids, leads me to believe that she is going through something (mid-life crisis?). I've noticed for the last few months she's obviously made more of an effort when la familia gets together to put on a dress, do her hair up, and to put on makeup. I have no intentions, obviously, though truthfully I am liking the attention that I am getting through it. I just hope that I am being more helpful than hurtful in this instance, and I hope I am doing the right thing in abating her worries about her not being beautiful as she gets older both directly by telling her and indirectly by mentioning how I like her dress and just in talking with her. [Feedback welcome.]

One thing that is bugging me, however, is that in spending time with los primos esposa it reminds me so very much of how nice it would be to have that with someone that is no los primos esposa. The problem, which may even be a little bit of an excuse, is that I just can't bring myself to asking a woman out unless I get to know them enough that a date wouldn't be a waste of time or an awkward mess. However, I never put myself in situations where I can get to know women enough for that to ever take place. I've tried the whole en línea dating thing, but that just isn't working out that well either. I just don't know.

Working out is going about as well as can be. Running still, but my legs are taking their time getting used to it. An interesting thing is that I went to the doctor on Thursday to have my stitches out, and my blood pressure was 110/80, which is the lowest it has ever been. I attribute this to my increased focus on running over the last month/month and a half, and I find it great. I'll try to start lifting weights again this week, but I still need to be careful as my cut isn't completely closed up yet.

School starts in three weeks. I'm taking three online programming classes and an in-person Calc 2 class. The Calc 2 class isn't required to graduate, but I'm taking it simply because an adviser recommended that I do it. I'm worried that this will be the math class that kicks my ass, and it'll end up screwing my GPA before I graduate. I'm worried mostly because, while I didn't depend on my TI-89 in Calc 1, it was still nice to have it to quickly check my final answers. Also, I'm not sure if this teacher will allow me a cheat sheet or not. Again, while I've never had trouble recalling trig identities and other rules, it was always nice just having that safety net. I really, really need to sit down and go over all my Calc 1 notes before I start, because it has been a year since I took the class and a lot of the information has seemingly been stored away where I can't access it at the moment.

I'm not at all sure what to do after I graduate at the end of the fall semester. I really would like to just get a job and start working, but for one thing, this economy is still pretty terrible for finding a job, and two, I can't seem to work up the guts to actually go out and find some kind of work related to the degree I will have (AAS in Comp and Info Tech). To be honest, I wouldn't even know what to ask were I to call up local businesses and start inquiring, and many places generally require some form of experience before they'll even consider hiring you, on top of many places looking more fondly on those with a bachelors. I could go and get my bachelors, but UNLV is pretty terrible by all accounts, and Reno is just so damn far away. Were I to get my bachelors, I would like to stay in Nevada so that I could use my scholarship, but I don't know. This is the first time in four years that I don't have any idea of what I'm going to be doing in more than four months. [Feedback welcome.]

Anywho, I think I've talked enough.

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Postby ValentineNicole » Mon Aug 09, 2010 2:36 pm

Bob,

My new iPhone broke. Well, the back shattered. I know it's not the end of the world, but it really sucks because it was my one real SPLURGE since getting a job, and now it's broken.

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Postby Luet » Mon Aug 09, 2010 6:50 pm

Bob,

This weekend was busy and left me emotionally drained. Well, actually, it left me feeling rather depressed today. The weekend itself was full of fun stuff but I was exposed to some crappy family crap that has been hard to get out of my head. It just feels so unfair that I was the victim in what happened and yet I'm the one still suffering years later. Why can't they all just go away?
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Dr. Mobius » Tue Aug 10, 2010 3:30 pm

Dear Bob,

I got engaged!!!!
Congrats, Kimmie!


Bob, one of these days I need to find my way back into the loop so I quit missing things like that ^.
The enemy's fly is down.
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Postby daPyr0x » Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:24 pm

Dear Bob,

I threw up at work yesterday. Hadn't even been at work for an hour when the slight nausea I write off as "normal" escalated to a quick jaunt to the lavatory. At least I got to spend the rest of the day at home, feeling nauseous and carefully trying various foods to at least clear my hunger if not my nausea.

For the life of me, I can't come up with any method of sustaining myself while keeping both my stomach and my taste buds happy. Eating, for me, has become the process of forcing unappetizing food down my gullet and trying to maintain a delicate balance between nausea, hunger and pain. Sure, I can eat crackers as a "simple" food to reduce the chances of nausea, but they don't do much for hunger on a small scale. Continue eating them to drown hunger? It's replaced by stomach pain and discomfort. That goes for pretty much how any meal I buy retail, regardless of whether it's quasi-healthy (wrap, subway) or total garbage (McD, Wendy's). That part is okay though - certainly helps keep both my waist and my wallet intact. The problem is that half the meals I cook for myself do the same thing. Being single and completely independent has it's perks, but food preparation is not one of them. It's not that I can't cook good well-balanced meals that satisfy my taste buds and my stomach, 'cause I can. It's that I can't do that every day. I can't afford it, time and energy wise. Not to mention that I just don't know enough variety to keep myself interested. As I age, I find myself disgusted by increasing numbers of foods; and while I wouldn't be opposed to eating many of them if presented - why the hell would I buy myself something to eat that I don't even like?

Do I like anything?
Steak. Mmm....yummy steak.

Just another example of the inner conflict that I embody. Caught between a history of misery and a deep-set desire to improve my situation I reside in a dark room surrounded by ever-changing obstacles.

--Me
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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