Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I felt like I needed a place to be proud, arrogant, self absorbed, and everything else I was supposed to be programmed to hate.

I'm awesome. That's really all I need to exude. Today my team leader admitted to saying to the HR person in the company that I'm smarter than him. I'd brush it off as a joke or something, but I had heard that remark had been made through the proverbial grapevine that is my place of work. Then, the person in charge of marketing tells me that she's heard around the office that I'm a pretty funny guy. Fluff? Possibly, but who cares? I know I'm "smart," I always have. Hearing that noted just makes me aware that it's been noticed. Hearing that I'm anything positive in a social sense, that doesn't happen all too often. Well, except for just last weekend. I was at a friend's birthday party, hanging out with her boyfriend and his friends that were there, at the end of the evening. As we're talking, talk of an upcoming wine & cheese party leads to me saying that I'd be there (because who wouldn't want to go?), and he turns to me and says "Dude, if you're gonna be there then I'll totally come." I think that may well be the first time a comment from a guy made my evening.

It all just goes to prove to me that my problems are almost entirely internal. I'm the reason I'm single. I'm the reason I haven't met many good friends that are local to me. It's my head, not anybody else's.

I read someone's description of some of the manipulative techniques used by my former church. Two stuck out to me as major influences in my growth as a human being and my personality today; loaded language, and group pressure. I use my words so carefully when I speak, and overanalyze everyone else's so efficiently (and often more effectively than intended) because that's what I learned was necessary. I fully expect any and every possible disagreement over social convents with a stranger to become a "discipling" opportunity. Sure, I can stand up to one person, but that one person's going to quickly turn in to 5 if I do. And 5 will quickly become months of comments from all around as word of my 'sin' gets around. I know I can't take a group like that, so I learned what was necessary. Avoidance. I never learned one key factor - the real world isn't near as coordinated as church. School, school's a real closed environment. It may not be socially coordinated, but that's not to say it's not a cesspool of rumours and collective mocking. Or maybe that was just me... Regardless, that's really....all I knew until I hit high school. At least there the group wasn't wholly inclusive. The real world's a totally different place, though. The groups exist, sure; but not like they used to. I just...I'm having a hard time learning that. I'm having a hard time learning that one person's "avoid" flag isn't everyone's, and having one's doesn't exclude you from everyone else's company. I just need to figure that out...figure out that application...convincing myself in practice.

But then nobody could stop me. I'd rule the world in a matter of years and the rest'd be history.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I got a job interview! It's not for anywhere exciting or anything like that, but it's work! Hopefully it goes well and pays sufficiently well that I can afford to take it.

~Rei

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

The part of me that rejoices over the hurtful stuff is thrilled over how tonight went.

Seriously.

Another day of ignoring me in addition to the upcoming weekend undoes some of the nice. I need this. I've asked for the fast way but since I keep getting denied there, I'll take the slow way, just so long as there is a way.

[locke]

Bob,

I mentioned I signed up for a touch football league here and a girl at work mentioned her boyfriend used to do it but she hated it because it took away her saturdays. I cracked that I didn't have to worry about that. And then she gave me this unsolicited spiel: oh you'll find someone quick, and that anyway, girls your age were sort of... well I was like... you're a really nice guy, and uh. I think you're probably nice, like respectful and stuff, but you like to go out and do nice things like dinner and sometimes a girl wants her hair pulled. and but you'll see in like a couple years. it'll be like, uh-huh. girls are like gonna go crazy.

WTF? first it was semi inchoherent, self contradictory (you'll find someone right away but just you wait a few years before they're interested) this from a girl younger than me. I suppressed the initial rage but wanted to bark out: umm, no, nice guys are generally considered assholes in disguise. Passive aggressive bitches who think they should be rewarded with sex, affection and a relationship for all the hard work it takes to be nice to a girl. They don't do anything to make a girl interested. I've not had that problem. But clearly you think I'm the guy that just sits around waiting for a girl to notice how great I am. No.

And jesus christ, how insulting is it for her to say to me that if I just wait for the girls to stop partying, one's gonna go, 'hey, there's that backup guy I always had in mind still single, I'll take him and keep him. Thank god for fall back plans. Can you wrap it to go?"

and despite the anger and feeling insulted by her patronizing, there was also a stabbing sensation right in the gut from it all anyway.

Nasty piece of work that girl.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I am becoming a PLEASE Master disaster (it's a DBT joke. "PLEASE Master" is an acronym for a set of self-care skills). I really need to look long and hard at my self-care and ways of improving it. This can not continue.

Insomnia, breaking out in mysterious rashes, nosebleeds, headaches. How many more hints does my body need to give me before I get the picture? Get the picture enough to take action, that is? Physician, heal thyself, huh? I know what I need to do. Eat better. Exercise. Do something creative. Find another place to put some of this energy. Reinforce my mental boundaries. Start living in my own life some of the time. It's hard right now. It's spring. There's just something about this time of year.

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

There were many different things I wanted to write here, but it's just not working out. For some reason I still feel compelled to put something here. blargh.

(one of them was actually talking about the other things I wanted to write about, but that also just isn't looking right)

I wanted to put another note here but it's just sounding all wrong! I apparently can only write meta right now. Aaaaa!

-me

[Confessions]

Bob,

I had unprotected sex last night, with a girl I don't even like. Now all I can think is "f*** f*** f*** f***, what if she's pregnant now?" God I'm stupid.

Bad move.

--Me

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

Broken promises. Promises made to me, and promises I made to myself- both broken today.

I was going to write, perhaps, a concise Dear You saying "you promised", but I feel like I need more venting than that.

Because hell, I did get a promise. I don't like broken promises, stated or implied (this I've discovered recently). And I do feel as if, in some way, I am entitled. Those people who belong to that club, for example, do not deserve it any more than me. (Practical reasons? Maybe. Otherwise? No way). Of course, this isn't going to break me down, now that I probably understand what's behind it. If anyone understands stupid principles, it's me. But inevitably, my feeling of self-worth takes some serious hits here, and I can't help but wonder if it's me after all.

Promises.

Today was bad. Really bad. I felt like such a f****** addict. Ever stood around pretending to gaze nonchalantly at random stuff while shaking like some suicidal heroin addict? Hope you never do. It feels awful. I mean, what was today- that's one of the most painful things for me right now. It makes me feel like drowning. Not feel like I'm drowning. Feeling like drowning would suit me just fine at this point. It passes, and things help, but it's a tough blow. It just- always seems to happen to me. Things get bad, I just ruin everything for myself, over and over. It all goes wrong.

It's funny how some people are afraid of the world ending in 2012. I think that's when my life can finally begin. That's all I have to do, so I told myself, wrote in a note to myself, a few weeks ago, when everything was great and I knew it wasn't going to stay that way for long. Just hang in there until 2012. So that's what I'll do. Simple enough.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I wish I could learn to take pleasure in food again. I eat entirely out of necessity, and pretty much only when necessity calls for it. Which is to say, I guess, that I routinely end up starving for no reason other than a lack of desire for food. Currently I sit here with my half-eaten lasagna lunch beside me, I've been forcing it down my throat over the last half hour or so. It's not that it tastes bad; it's not even that I'm not hungry. It's just that I don't care to eat it.

Really, it's more that I've gotten past the "I'm hungry" stage of hunger pangs and crossed over to the "I'm nauseous" stage, which is pretty backwards when you consider it's my body trying to tell me to feed it. Problem is, I won't respond to my body's requests until I get to the nausea stage. Preparing food for myself is time and resource consuming, and leads to dishes I have no desire to clean (provided, of course, that they're already clean and haven't been left out dirty by somebody else *cough*). Going out is expensive, often tasteless, and rarely agrees with my body. Frozen or EZ-Prepare type meals are usually pretty tasteless in and of themselves too. I don't desire food like I used to. I don't get excited by the prospect of a "good meal" anymore. I only eat to avoid the discomfort of nausea.

I still feel what I associate as being hunger pangs, while I stare at the remains of my lasagna. Lasagna used to be my favorite food, something that'd be gone as soon as it was set out, and something that I'd look forward to for weeks in advance. Now it sits here, uneaten, just like the snack cake I brought with me to work last week and never ate, or the grapes that are looking less and less appetizing as the day goes on. Something about a nutrition-providing IV drip continues to sound appetizing...

--Cam

[Confessions]

Bob,

I lost my baby in December. I don't know why the pain is rearing up again so suddenly, but I haven't felt myself in a few days. I can feel myself withdrawing from people again. I can feel myself declining. I feel sort of empty.
I'm worried about my work performance being affected. I know it's messing with my relationships with peopel. I'm just not as into them as I always have been in the past. I don't care to listen or talk. I make an effort to, but the pain won't go away.
Friends of mine are getting pregnant. One's even in labor as I type this. I can't handle it. I see babies on tv, and I cry. I want to go back to June, July, August...when I didn't even realize I was pregnant. I want to yell at myself to realize I'm gaining so much weight, to realize I'm throwing up, to realize that the months of cramps were my uterus growing.
I found out in November.
It was too late. I'd drank, I'd consumed massive amounts of caffeine, I'd been under stress from school.
I don't know what to do anymore, Bob. I feel like my life stopped being worth living. I'm not suicidal, but I just don't feel the desire to exist.
I've never felt so lost in all my life, and I've been through a lot. Just...nothing this bad.
I don't even know who to confide in. I find myself reaching out to old friends, old boyfriends - anyone reminiscent of an easier time. But how can I talk to someone about this? How can I explain to someone that I didn't know? I mean, I honestly didn't, I had no idea. I had my period the whole time, and I was on birth control. I never thought once to take a test. I avoided the doctor like the plague - I always have.
My mom and my (ex)boyfriend know. The boyfriend - I drove him away. I haven't been myself. I haven't been able to cope. We might get back together; it seems that way sometimes.
My thoughts are getting jumbled and I'm getting overwhelmed, so I'm done typing for now.

[Confessions]

Dear Confessions,

You're not alone. So did I. It was too late for me, too. It hurts me at times, too.

What helped for me was giving my baby a name. Then I wrote it a letter. I still feel guilty, even though people tell me I shouldn't, but I like to pretend it got the letter telling it I am sorry and that I loved it, even for the short time.

But mostly I just want you to know you're not alone.

Mods, a special request here in case any of you check IPs: don't?

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I've been feeling strange and disconnected lately, as though things are just passing me by in a blur and I'm doing my best to stay in my own skin, lest it move forward without me.

At the same time, I'm feeling overstimulated, as though there is too much emotion bubbling up underneath the surface and I can't get it out of me quickly enough to get some relief.

I want to paint, I want to draw, I want to dance, I want to run, I want to have sex, I want to Just.Let.Go. But I can't do some of that. Fear or circumstances won't let me. Mostly the fear.




I've taken to a new game with Brat, wherein I try to scare him away. It's not working and I can't tell if it's because I'm so much a friend he can't be bothered, so little a friend he can't be bothered, or he is truly imperturbable and I'm not even a real factor. I imagine his response here would be to stop trying to figure it out. But I need to. I need to know what I'm doing here, besides repeatedly making an ass out of myself. I say "besides" as though there is another thing to report.


In a little over a week, the library is starting a baby sign-language class. I'm not looking forward to this, given the two people set to lead it are not fluent in ASL. I've been asked to help, since I'm the Children's person and this will technically be a Children's program. Ugh, we'll see.

[locke]

Bob,

I have been feeling better lately.

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

Bleh.

That is all.

[Haven]

Dearest Bob,

I am a master at avoiding unpleasent thoughts. At hiding. But bob... sometimes... something opens up that dark door...

aw s***... here i wanted to vent about all the screwed up stuff going on and my master avoidence alarm kicks on and i cant seem to focus...

I need an emergency shut-off button bob...

Untill then.
Haven

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

I really hate the fact that if, with my age group/generation, if anyone says something that someone may find the slightest bit perverted, they will. It's sick and gross, and I really wish I could spare myself from the awkwardness and repulsiveness of our perverted minds. Were we really raised this way? Sometimes I think that our generation, though we do have all the awesome technology and everything, that we are the worst so far. (Except maybe in the dark age, cause I mean, they just rejected all the amazing Roman and Greek progress and went back to living in their grass hutty holes.) Seriously, I see it all the time. People my age will lie, cheat, stab in the back, do unpure things with others, listen to totally wrong songs, watch bad stuff, etc., etc. all the time.I just hate it. I almost wish I wasn't born now, and could live in a time when all people still respected the dignity God gave us. I feel so lonely just wanting to be a good person. *sigh* Thanks for listening without the awkwardness, Bob.

-K.

[Eaquae Legit]

Bob, my grandma's dying. I feel totally lost. And rootless. When my grandma dies, that's it, no more grandparents. Where did I come from? Who am I? Just... 's my grandma.

[starlooker]

*hugs Ali*

I felt like that when my grandfather died.

[jotabe]

same as starlooker
*hugs*

[Haven]

Im in that boat too... My grandma cant hardly eat and only 40% of her lungs are working... My family went up to see her and we all went home feeling lost and alone.

Hang in there.

[Eaquae Legit]

Thanks, guys. She's opted against continuing dialysis, so it's just a matter of time now.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I've been feeling anxious again today. And this, amusingly, worries me. I don't want to feel like this and I hope it passes soon without returning...

~Rei

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

There's a reason I have a general distaste for people. And it's not just because I'm bitter and jaded, I swear.

New woman starts work in my office 2 weeks ago. Received training in one of our testing procedures, and was asked to go take care of some tests that required doing, and put together the applicable reports. Does so, does testing wrong, due to severe lack of oversight in this company, gets out. Also completely ignores entire section of process despite being shown how to do it. Team lead sends out an email saying "things are missing, so these don't go out without my approval." She responds "That's it, I'm not doing any more until I talk to the manager." (who so happened to be away that week) Monday comes, she goes so far as to make another desk for herself in a different office, which leads to someone else being pushed out of their office and into her place, until the manager shows up. Manager shows up, she's told to go back to her place, and she does. Amusingly, someone from elsewhere in the company stopped by the office shortly after she returned and joked "so is she doing anything yet?" Bad timing much? I responded with only a facepalm, positive any words that might come out of my mouth would go over poorly.

She has said all of 7 words to me today, "Hi," and "hey can you help me with this customer?" So far as to completely ignore me when I say bye on her way out. And yet, she insists neither of us said anything wrong. That's why I hate people, 'cause my reaction to that is a big bad f*** YOU. Why do you get to treat me like dirt 'cause you got your feelings hurt over your own screwup? I know I can't do that, I know I'm not the type to seriously hold on to things like that (to come in 3 days later and insist you won't even sit in the same office as the team lead and I is pretty ballsy...). But, gives me all the more reason to treat you the same way...

--Cam

[Jayelle]

Perhaps she's embarressed...?

If you have the right to be screwed up, maybe you ought to give others the right to be screwed up too.

[daPyr0x]

Perhaps she's embarressed...?

If you have the right to be screwed up, maybe you ought to give others the right to be screwed up too.

I agree whole-heartedly. I don't doubt she's embarrassed, and she certainly does have the right to be as screwed up as anyone else with it.

I don't believe she have the right to treat others -especially coworkers- like crap, though. As someone who's been nothing short of friendly and helpful towards her, I take offense to being given the silent treatment. I consider that, going so far as to ignore me saying "Have a good night, I'll see you tomorrow" as you walk past my desk on your way out, to be pretty rude. I think I also have every right to be offended by those actions, and to have my opinion of the opposing party changed by how they chose to handle the situation.

[edit]Speaking of handling situations in the best possible way... She showed up today, late (as has been pretty common for her), more cold shoulder. Then, I go out for break, come back and she's gone. Quite literally, she up and walked out without saying anything to anybody. Or, at least, didn't say anything to anybody I spoke to. She had probably spoken to the manager (but not the team lead she's also giving the silent treatment to).

Man, I wish I knew I could pull all this s*** at my place of business and keep my job...

[locke]

Bob,
I have sooo many dvds, why do I want to buy more?

There's the new Doctor Zhivago bluray (the stories of the restoration have me salivating for this).

and I still haven't gotten blurays of The General or Potemkin or Music Man, A Star is Born, Spartacus.

Plus There Was a Father/Only Son (omg, more Ozu on DVD, including my favorite of his ever!)

There's all the insanely awesome criterion blurays released from March until July
Days of Heaven
Bigger than Life
M
Stagecoach
Walkabout
Everlasting Moments
Red Shoes
Black Narcissus
The Leopard
Yojimbo
Sanjuro
Ride with the Devil

plus the two eclipse releases I haven't got, George Bernard shaw on film and Presenting Sacha Guitry

On top of that I still REALLY want the Ford at Fox set and the Murnau/Borzage at Fox set.

I need help.

Luckily I am not buying all these. I really do not need to spend 1200 on dvds. Really.

They are not a need.

I don't need them.

ugh.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Boyfriend? Boyfriend? No boyfriend. No trying this. So sad.

That'd be a cool thing to go see if I lived nearby.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

Baaaaaaahahaaaahhahahaaahahahaahhaha! My former boss, the one who worked me into the ground (yet made me happy to do it), and the replacement they hired for him the day after firing me were both fired this week. I am so thoroughly amused by the turmoil in that company since I left. I'm almost waiting for my phone to ring and for them to ask me to take the now open job, baahahahahahahaahahahhaa.

It's probably kinda sick how I take amusement in the misfortunes of those I feel have mistreated me. No more sick than most people's methods of coping, though. Oh, did I mention? That girl walked in to work today like nothing had happened. After walking out 2 hours into her shift the day previous. Yeah, she was promptly fired. I get the feeling, upon hearing 'her side,' that she's got an unchecked mental disorder; makes me feel kinda bad for her. Not bad for anything I've felt or done, but just that she really is so much better, smarter, than the last few days would have you believe. But, I digress.

Enthralled by amusement,

Cam

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I'm fried... I just don't have the energy to deal with this. We have done what we can to respect their boundaries, and yet when I ask them to politely respect ours, I get laughed at for making such an absurd request because of course they can't help if they trample them. I feel like we're making some headway, but not enough, and I'm tired of being trampled on. I'm just plain tired of it. Of being trampled on, and then ignored or on occasion them taking offence at our being offended for being treated this way.

~Rei

[Luet]

Bob,

Three years ago I left the congregation that I had been in my whole life because I couldn't stand to see the guy who had abused me. We moved to the neighboring congregation, which meets in the same building. Well, they have decided to merge the two into one at the beginning of next month. I have to decide whether I can handle seeing him twice a week or move yet again. I also just got back into therapy to work on some lingering issues left over from the abuse.

Between the two of those things, I am starting to get overwhelmed by the return of bad memories. For awhile, I had been doing pretty good at not having the unwanted memories come into my thoughts on a regular basis. But, at least for the last couple days, it's back to being the first thing on my mind in the morning, the last thing on my mind at night, and the only thing on my mind whenever I'm sitting still.

It's going to be a tough couple months.

[Eaquae Legit]

Todo avós é morto. Não tenho nem avós.

I love you, grandma. I'll see you again someday.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I am so tired of waiting.

I'm sitting here in class, half way through. The prof put up his lesson plan upon starting (1: Chapter 3; 2: Exercise xx from Chapter 3; 2: Chapter 4; 4: Exercise xx from Chapter 4). Long before it became time to complete the chapter 3 exercise, I started reading Chapter 4. By the time we were out of "completion time" for those questions, I had completed the chapter 4 exercise (and verified my correct answers from chapter 3). I'm now sitting here, waiting. For what, I don't really know; perhaps for my attention to be pulled to "important points" for next week's class.

I realized while sitting here that, though I almost always know the correct answer long before it's time to take up any question, I rarely speak up or raise my hand to answer. Why? 'cause I'm always waiting. Whether it's sitting there like an a****** with my hand up while the rest of the class struggles through the question or listening for some spectacular piece of knowledge I wouldn't have gained from the textbook, I'm just waiting for everyone else to catch up.

My life, right now, is waiting. I'm waiting for my finances to be in better shape so I can get work done on my car. Waiting for this godforsaken group of classes to complete so I can (hopefully, at least) transition to a better suited job. Waiting to get somewhere (location wise) I actually care to remain to find a woman, or to build lasting relationships rather than work on the same distance theory I have spent most of my life on. I know where I am does not have people like me, and quite honestly I'm tired of trying to relate to people who aren't. I'm tired of trying to justify my inequalities to others who can't understand my thinking, and I'm tired of being thought less of because of that.

Oh yeah, that finding a woman part? Totally an excuse, and I know that. Truth is, though, that my experience with the people of my locale has been very negative in terms of attractive female qualities; and though I'm rather close to a University town containing a much better selection, I really don't care to start another relationship I'm going to always have to drive to. I'm waiting to hopefully move to said university town in a couple months to remedy that issue.

I'm just waiting. Not on the world to change, but on my life to happen. I'm not happy where I am, and I've made the move to put myself toward the route of becoming happy where I am...now I'm just waiting for it to pan out. I hate waiting. I just want to feel at par with my surroundings. I want to feel challenged, like effort is required. No, not required, but rewarded. I want to feel like any effort I choose to put in is going to net me a reward. I feel like I waste so much effort in my life on things that net me nothing worthwhile, it's why I get stoned and waste my evenings playing video games. Why put in any sort of improved effort?

Stop making me wait, I'm bored of it.

--Me

[Jayelle]

**hugs** to both Ali and Nomi.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Two years ago, give or take a few days (3, I think), I was sitting in the dark at a black, square table in a small two bedroom apartment in Chandler, AZ. I had been living on the opposite end of the Phoenix MSA for approximately a month at that point and was spending the night -that would turn into a few nights- at my brother's residence to spend time with my nephews and keep my sister-in-law company while he was at work. When everyone went to bed, I stayed up to use my brother's laptop, which was monopolized during the day by his wife. I was still speaking to Josh and Fred on a semi-regular basis at that point and so there we were, all of us chatting on AIM. Weeks earlier, the three of us had had some fun (mostly Fred and I) when we convinced Josh to IM Brat to ask if he, Brat, was cute. It was juvenile and ridiculous but surprisingly, Brat played along. It took me a few weeks to build up the courage to IM him myself after that but eventually the moment came when, still nervous, I knew it was "now or never." There I was, black, square table, new IM window open.


I was so scared to contact him off the board; I'm scared to contact anyone off the board the first few times. I don't remember the exact words I used but I told him, "No conversation tonight, I'm just saying hi. So, hi." He responded, which made me want to respond but he gave a playful "nuh uh, no conversations." While I'm no longer sure about the details, whether or not I tried again the very next night or spaced it out, I am sure that even as he made my attempts difficult for the following 5 months, I persisted in talking to him. That is, perhaps, where things should have ended. In the long stretches of silence. How would my life look different if I hadn't forced him into it?


He prides himself at keeping me at a distance, finds humor in it. No matter how far I think I've gotten, no matter how much I convince myself I've meant to him, something always happens to put me in my proper place. It's an unending cycle of highs and lows. I do my best to encourage the pain, to keep the cycles away and exist solely in the lows until it hurts so much, the only thing I'll want is to walk away. I hope he'll wake up and realize he has the power, I've given him the power, to kill the small hope I can't get at that would make it okay for me to walk away. That hope is like a small plant struggling to survive, pushing itself through the cracks of a sidewalk. He surprises me with some random act of kindness: push, growth. He does what I take to mean he's smiling or laughing: push, growth. He uses my name: push, growth. Until that little seedling is standing tall. I notice it, yank it out but always miss the roots.



Bob, it's a funny thing how people find their ways into each others' lives.

Two years this week, one of them riddled with messy romantic feelings on my part; what a double-edged sword. Cheers.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I shouldn't do this. I've only known of this person's existence for less than 4 weeks. Should I really be bothered to have not heard back for (almost) 2 of them? I'm not bothered, that's really not the word. I just have been excited to finally talk to someone who can relate, empathize instead of sympathize, with the efforts I'm trying to make to find happiness.

I poured out a lot in the last email. Hell, she even responded to say "hey I just read your email now, started to respond but haven't finished, will tomorrow." I know I didn't do something to ruin the relationship or anything. It's just, that was almost 2 weeks ago. I feel forgotten.

Funny how I jump to that conclusion so quickly, isn't it? I mean, it can't be healthy (and the logical part of my brain continues to try to convince me it can't be true either). It's just so often been true in my life. I can remember so many specific examples of friends, family members, teachers, that whole godforsaken church [pun intended], where I was just outright forgotten. People always apologize when called on it, but what does that really mean? I mean, it doesn't really change anything - my importance in their lives, the likelihood of a recurrence - it's just a word to describe sorrow for a mistake.

It's okay though. I don't need them. I can get by just fine on my own, as I have been for so long. I just wish I had someone on whom I could depend for a little comfort? understanding? Guys - in a general sense that encompasses friends, family and strangers with few exceptions - don't understand me. The areas in which I struggle most are sources of mockery rather than assistance there. There's a reason I've always built better relationships with women than men. I just...am forced to remain guarded around everybody if only to avoid the fruitless explanations of lines of thought. I want to let down my guard around someone. That's why I miss her. Well, one of the reasons. See? There I go doing it again, defending myself against the purposed onslaught of insecure questioning of the clearly understated emotions in play.

I HAVE EMOTIONS THAT NEED TO BE EXPRESSED AND I DON'T KNOW HOW. I don't trust anyone with them. My friends would mock, my family would tell me how wrong I am, assuming of course they actually had time for me in the first place. Writing here has always been safer than actually talking about it. No response is better than having "BZZZZZT WROOONNNNGGGGGG" shouted in my face. Thanks for that, Bob.


--Cam