Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob

Am I being foolish for taking this so hard and being offended? Should I have done things differently?

I think I am being both foolish and not foolish. Foolish because they were kidding; not foolish because this, combined with those constant mocking and criticizing voices in my head, depresses me a lot.

All those times when people tell me otherwise, when they tell me to feel good about myself, are, for some reason, not important to me as the times when I receive criticism and mock. Those, combined with my low-self-esteemed, constantly repressing, needy and idiotic mind, make my thoughts a sea of sorrow right after I become slightly depressed. And those mocks are very depressing.

He told me he was kidding; but I still was hurt, and I had to get out of there to be able to calm down.



Why can't I accept myself and/or work harder? Why am I like this?

Later, Bob.

~bDm

ETA: Bob, I hate how almost every time I post, I feel like I've written a lot, but then I look at my post and see how minuscule it is compared to other people's. Writer- not the job for me.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I was going to wait to tell people at work about my engagement until after I actually had the ring. Because, frankly, I want people to make a fuss about the ring. However, I don't want to be made a fuss over twice. It seems appropriate to show off the ring in the context of, "I'm getting married!" It seems tacky to show off the ring after the announcement has already been made. At least, in my head.

However, apparently something about me is screaming, "I'm getting married!"

I was in charge of mindfulness for our DBT consult meeting on Wednesday. I was in a hurry and running late, so I grabbed the box i have of little bottles of bubbles in my office and ran to the meeting. About three people were there. I had been, actually, thinking about my impending announcement and nuptuals, and also was somewhat frazzled abuot almost being late and playing team leader this month. As I sat down, totally preoccupied, one of the members looks at me and says, "Are you getting married?"

I was completely taken aback. My jaw may actually have dropped. I literally looked at my left hand to see if I'd accidentally put some kind of ring on it and forgotten about it.

Then I realized. My box o' bubbles is meant for weddings and has a picture of a bride and groom on it. Meanwhile, my brain is trying desperately to catch up with what has occurred, and so outloud I say, "Yes. Actually. But, um, that's not what the bubbles are for."

And then I tried to change the topic; however, they were determined to thrust wedding-glow announcement on me whether I wanted it or not. I think I probably came across as a rather sour fiancee.

So, okay. Fine. Then, this morning, talking with my supervisor about my intended's car breaking down, I am very conscious of using his name rather than calling him either my boyfriend or my fiance. And so we're talking in our supervision session, and she refers to him as my fiance. Which totally freaking floored me. She swears that sometime when we were talking last week, I called him my fiance, but I have no memory of that whatsoever. And I'm pretty damn self-conscious about calling him that or not. It still feels weird. I think someone else must have mentioned it to her.

Or I'm just giving off fiancee vibes.

Regarding the ring: our engagement is, as I said before, official. We went ring shopping, my parents have given their blessing, and we've set our date (assuming we can find a venue). Ring is waiting in a back room of a store somewhere for my fiance to finish making payments on (which is why I'm doubly cursing the current financial crisis he and I are finding ourselves in this week. Damn car.)

Ring shopping was the single most fun experience in the world. We weren't really shopping, actually. We were browsing. Because, on the one hand, I definitely want him to pick it out. I did not want to be with him for that. But, on the other hand, neither he nor I had any idea what we liked or what suited me. So we went together to get a sense of what my style is. (Turns out, very simple and classic.) That was the most fun thing in the world on account of my finger is exactly a size seven, which is what all the display rings were! That made it a complete blast. I think that's my karmic consolation prize for the hell I'm quite certain dress shopping will be. I don't remember if I've told you that before, Bob, but I'm tired and it bears repeating.

[powerfulcheese04]

Kirsten! Congrats!!

I'm also a little jealous, but mostly just wildly happy for you!

[LilBee91]

Yay! Congrats!

Heck, I'm jealous, and I'm only 18.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Bad night, great day, too much adrenaline to be sleepy quite yet, butt hurts, a bit cold, alive. See you next week!

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I just spent 30 minutes on the phone with my ISP trying to cancel my service. I only signed up a week ago, and they - for reasons unknown to me (or anyone there for that matter) - weren't giving me the speed I had paid for. I hadn't even signed up for premium 16mb service or anything like that, I went with their standard package, and received their "lite" package. I called, was told "there's no reason for that, it will be fixed within 48 hours. 3 days later, I called again, told the same thing, except this time given 30 hours. So, here I am 2 days later, calling again (because they never actually follow up with me, despite having 50 different ways to do so), asking what's going on. Oh yeah, we need to send a tech out, care to wait longer? Nope, no I don't. I found a provider with better service, equivalent or better rates, and it's not the big conglomerate bastards you are. Half an hour arguing with a rep "well our level 4 techs can take care of this issue," "Then why didn't they 4 days ago when I first called?" "Well you were speaking with a level 1 tech," "your point? This issue was promised to me to be resolved twice now, why do I listen to you a third time tell me you might fix it?" "well, if you terminate you will be charged $100 for the early termination fee." "Sorry, but I'm not paying $100 for a week's worth of service."

Back and forth

When I moved here I booked a u-haul. The day before I moved they called me, told me the truck size I booked was not available, they'd give me a larger truck for the same price. Unfortunately the office was closed when I dropped the truck off (was actually an auto body shop, guy apparently had to close up early and go to the hospital), so I didn't get the invoice till a couple days later, and what do you know? I got charged for a bigger truck. Call, "yes we'll take care of that, somebody will call you within 48 hours."

WHY as a consumer can I not depend on companies to honor their own promises? I'm not saying "you must call me within 48 hours to resolve this or I go on a killing spree." I'm just saying "You messed up, are not giving me what I paid for, please fix it and let me know when you have it resolved."

I called u-haul again today, never did get a call back, never did see a reversal on my card. Corporate America sucks.

[Aesculapius]

Hey Bob...

I'm having the most awful moring. Not only did I have to walk here, which takes nearly an hour by the way, at six in the morning, but I'm already feeling dead sleepy. I got my data evaluation back...I can't believe the per centage dropped from 86 to 50. Is that really possible? Maybe it was because I didn't study....I really have to get my game back up! Applications start next month and I can't afford to keep things going the way they are right now.

I have a presentation to do today, I hope at least that goes okay. Oh yeah, and I have the OUTREACH evaluation on Thrusday and the essay due on Friday. This really sucks. I hate having so many things to do.

Have to go now, I'll keep you updated!

[daPyr0x]

I think it's my turn to take the crown for writing in here far too much lately.

My (dad's) dog died today. Of course nobody bothers to tell me about it or figures I give a damn, so I find out via text message hours later "he's dead, we've already buried him." I guess there's a reason I've become callous and bitter...

I feel like a country song. Got no friends, got no job, dog just died, and I can ramble on about being mistreated by women for hours. I swear I could be the next Kenny Chesney...

Okay I'll lay off the country music, but the fact still remains...

I'm lost.

Completely, utterly, lost. Truth be told, there are far too many options I can pursue; I just don't really know what I can do. And I don't really know what I want to do either. Do I really want to be in full time school till I'm 28? Do I want to start at the ground level of somewhere else and try to claw my way back up? Maybe I can stumble in to something based on my experience, and I'm banking on that right now; but what if I can't? And even if I can; then what?

I never really recovered from the last big life shock I had, I've been spinning out of control ever since. Kind of like a yo-yo; I spin how I want, just get yanked around by the cord of the company once in a while. But, now that's been cut too. What happens to a yo-yo when you cut the string?

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Some guy in the street kicked my bike in the handlebars while I was riding home, this evening. We are not on good speaking terms, whoever he was.

~Rei

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I'm in the $900s!! *gets limber for upcoming happy dance*

Let's see...take away 14 months of not having a paycheck, that means it will have taken me just shy of 2 years (23 months) to pay off my mom's car.

Then I can get my much needed tennis shoes and if I still want a haircut then, dammit, I can get a haircut.

[buckshot]

Bob, My Saturday is gonna suck! I've never missed a opening day of deer season till tomorrow. Two funerals in one day, one a former buiseness partner the second a super friend (even my best man)from high school. Both died too young and both should be enjoying life with their great family's. I have always kept a stiff upper lip over such tragedy's, but this one does get to me. I can't help feeling a little excited to see many old friends ,I just hope I can get through Lees funeral without tearing up.

[Gravity Defier]

Heya, Bob.

I guess it's time to make Cameron feel better about posting a lot in here. The good news is, I haven't been banned yet for any of it so maybe it is okay.

How long ago was it that Jan made that thread about a possible Munchausen case on the other forum of hers? Every so often, when I feel largely overwhelmed and want to spill every ounce of every bad little turn life has taken, I stop myself because I think there is at least one doubter out there, looking at me as though I am just making s*** up because I am wanting attention. Although, as far as attention is concerned, I guess I can't deny that one in the strictest sense or else I'd never post anything here. I could, afterall, throw it in my much neglected LJ.

That anxious feeling in my gut, the one that caused me to have something of a panic attack a week before I left for Chicago, that is gone. It was here the week before and the week after but it is gone. In its place is a lighter, more familiar, less stomach-churning feeling: my life will not change.

Have I mentioned, surely I've mentioned, that my oldest brother and his girlfriend are living here again. I had just gotten back into the habit of running on my treadmill and there they came. I begged my mom, argued, pleaded, don't let them back in. But she did. I look around at all the little things that could be different, that would make me feel less like some sort of trailer trash, ghetto dweller. Dishes clean and put away. Counter top less cluttered. Spoons...we are back down to two spoons, from the 8 or so we had gotten back up to when he left last time. Towels; I have to hoard one or two in my room so that I know I'll have one when I shower. The fridge is disgusting, filled with leftovers that I give them a day or two to eat before tossing. If they spent less on takeout and more time looking for another apartment, they'd probably have been gone. They've helped me the very tiniest bit with the front yard. But they don't understand that the damn thing moves, meaning you can water the entire yard and not just the one spot. If I had the money, I'd fix the sprinkler system that went out years ago, necessitating the hand-watering but I make less money now and before I was busy paying for the garage doors and the car and then bye-bye job.

I had a huge argument with my dad last week, one of many things that came up being this house and the state it is in. He had said something about me moving in with him and the skank (second wife, woman he cheated on Mom with, blah, blah, blah) and that I need to get over that already. I should have told him that if I didn't have some f****** up sense of loyalty to family members, I wouldn't be talking to him to this day over the affair and how it ruined my brothers, mother, and me for so long that we're still trying to pick up the pieces. But he said at the very least, I should go up there and work on his house with him. BULL f****** s***. I cried, Bob. I cried so hard just then. I told him his house doesn't need it. He doesn't know what it's like to be ashamed to let anyone - coworkers who see me walking and want to give me a ride home, friends, strangers- see where I live. He doesn't have any idea what it's like to try hard to be handy and fix things but ultimately have so little knowledge that it gets too overwhelming trying to find a starting point. And I can't afford the tools or items needed, anyway. I'm not going to invest any time touching his house when he could be teaching me and getting father-daughter time, if that's really his goal, by helping me at my house. I guarantee issues that come up once with a house will probably come up again sooner or later.

He also found the time to tell me/make the accusation that I have been said by some anonymous source to be messing around with a 17 year old. This, Bob, is why I enacted my own little "no leaving the house without a chaperone" rule. THIS is why I've had no life for 1.5 years now. Nevermind I was in Phoenix with him for 6 months. Check you-know-who's chat logs or Pweb, even. I've been here at home, bitching and whining and hating my existence the entire time. As for when I'm at work, every time a teenager starts talking to me, about anything, I excuse myself and go to the circulation desk and make an excuse for talking to my coworkers. My dad called me paranoid and I pointed out what he heard as the exact reason for it. It's my ass going away if people feel like being pricks and making s*** up. He tried to make what he thought was the harmless comment: "I just hope if you get stressed or frustrated, you don't do anything crazy with a kid." Oh, but of course, father. I let him know that if I ever got stressed or frustrated enough that he thinks turning to a kid would be my first option, I could guarantee him he'd be quite wrong as I'd sooner turn to pill overdose or blades to the wrist or anything else that would make all the pain just go away. I'm not that bad, I don't want to die. I was just making the point that it's the more attractive, sensical option to me than what he has in mind.

I finally let him, and my mom, know I'm going to see someone next week. My dad got angry. My mom didn't say anything.

As if I hadn't done enough crying during that argument, my dad felt the need to tell me I wasn't alone in this. He's right, I've never actually been alone and I don't mean that just physically. People have been good about chiming in every so often. But for whatever reason, Bob, I've still felt completely alone a good portion of the time. No one I've talked to can tell me they understand what I've felt and mean it. The majority of people who have been there for me can't see, hear, touch, smell me nor I them. It has been a very isolating experience and I'm not the person I was in high school, where I could get by sitting in my room, staring at the wall, completely numb. I'm not numb anymore, though I certainly wish I was. I feel a lot of things.

Bob, I sure wish I didn't feel anything. I've said it before to someone: life was not made for people like me. Much too weak.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I don't know who to turn to. I don't know who to talk to, who to ask for advice, who to trust. I guess the truth is, I'm not used to having a choice in the matter.

For the last 5 years I've just been doing what's necessary. I went to an internship, got a job out of it, bought a car. Since I bought that car my life has been defined by needing to make those payments and doing what was needed to do so. I worked retail, call centers, pizza delivery, whatever, until I fell in to my previous job. I was, and remain, convinced that the experience I got there would be incredibly valuable in my future, but it's...not proving as such. I don't know what my next move is. I'm applying for jobs, but not getting much in the way of responses. I'm avoiding retail until after the Christmas season, not because that's the brightest idea but because I really don't want to be sucked in to working the Boxing Day rush. Short of retail, though, I'm scared I can't get a job like what I had. I enjoyed what I had. I busted my ass at that job, and I did a damn good job. That should count somewhere, no?

I want an education, I really do; but I can't bare the thought of having wasted the past 5 years so I can go to school to waste the next 5 years to get an entry level job I could succeed at now.

Call me arrogant, but I know I'm smart. Based on my experiences with many university grads, I'm confident I can outperform any job I land, regardless of whether or not they require a BBA. Yet, I can't get anywhere.

I've been sucked into the throws of depression. Even the pot doesn't help, because my entire life currently revolves around, well, nothing. I moved here hoping to make friends, but I have no idea how and as such haven't. I hoped to get closer to my little brother living with him, but it turns out he's only interested in a place to rest his head, he spends more time at his old house than he does here. I'm LONELY.

I'm lonely, I'm lost, I'm unemployed, I'm scared. I can so easily get sucked in to this being my entire life for the next 2 months (until the new year), and I just don't know where to go next. I don't want to get roped in to working my way up the chain in the retail world, though I'm confident I could do that too.

When does working hard pay off? When does studying and ensuring you have the right answer get you anywhere? When does effort actually pay off?

I've got an appointment with a loan officer today. Perhaps I can wash dishes or lick his shoes in return for a school loan...

[edit] Fate, God, or the culmination of random events to encourage a belief in the supernatural happened to startle me with something unusual. I finished typing the above entry and started paying attention to the background music my Xbox is serenading me with, and I hear this...

Our Lady Peace - Time Bomb
I checked my pulse, said all my prayers
Walked a thousand miles, haven't gotten anywhere
The table's set, change is gonna come
I'm a patient man, but it's been too long

I'm waiting for something to happen
yeah I'm waiting for something to happen

I'm on that road, been driving fast
Keep my eyes straight and stay away from the past
I miss your face and the way you laugh
Remember me if I don't make it back

I'm waiting for something to happen
I'm waiting for something to happen
Anticipating that something will happen
I'm waiting for something good to happen

So now I see my own reflection staring back at me
And I'm traveling with no direction,
I'll follow faithfully

I'm waiting for something to happen
I'm waiting for something to happen

I Checked my pulse, said all my prayers
Walked a thousand miles, haven't gotten anywhere
I wonder, yeah I wonder

The table's set, change is gonna come
I'm a patient man, but it's been too long
I wonder, yeah I wonder

I'd never heard the song before (the beauty of random), but it was very...contextually relevant.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Every time I pick up my sketchbook, I want to draw for him...so I put it back on the shelf, let my thoughts race, and keep waiting for it to be safe again.

[^Peter]

Dear Bob,

How's it going?

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

I think I am finally growing up.

[locke]

Bob,

I am really ADD tonight, cannot seem to focus at all.

[Luet]

Bob,

I'm back from visiting my sis-in law in CA. I thought I disliked her husband before but wow...he outdid himself this time. She was 8 months pregnant and sick with a bad cold and he was more selfish and demanding than ever. It took all my self-control to hold my tongue and keep the peace. I spent the entire trip trying to get all of the baby stuff organized. She got way too many baby clothes at the shower and hardly anything that she registered for. We were able to exchange a lot of it. They are broke and I am so worried about their future. I know that I did all that I could to help and I'm glad I went but...sigh.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I am having a really hard time.

[steph]

Dear Bob,

I am having a really hard time.

*Hugs*

[Gravity Defier]

Dear Bob,

I am having a really hard time.

*Hugs*

Make that two. *hugs*

[starlooker]

*hugs Kelly, too*

Dear Bob,

OH MY GOSH.

I am so overwhelmed with work right now. I have no idea how this will ever get done. I have so much stupid writing to do. I have an ex-boyfriend's voice in my head informing me in self-righteous tones that "It's easier to keep up than to catch up" and my mother telling me that, "If you had done this before, like I asked you, you wouldn't have this problem, now would you."

Except I might. I've been BUSY. Granted, there was some wasted time that I am now severely regretting. But not this past week. Documentation and good intentions just fell by the wayside.

I need to spend massive amounts of time up here this weekend just doing stupid evals and notes so that next week I can start focusing again on writing psych testing reports. And I am BOOKED Monday and Tuesday. Booked. No time AT ALL. f***. Here's hoping for a no-show.
~~~~~

In other news, I am severely not happy about spending massive amounts of time here this weekend on account of the fact that a little birdie told me I may be getting a significant piece of jewelry this weekend.

[Confessions]

I am f******. Five years of college, and I still won't have graduated. I really, really, really don't want to come back for a sixth. So I'm not going to.

The question now is, do I start looking for a job now, or take a light load in the spring just for the hell of it? There are lots of things I'd like to do here still, the problem is that none of them are class related. Student Senate, bringing in Wellstone Campus Camp for student organization training, revamping the way IT handles student websites, helping set up Zipcar on campus, getting the Zimbra suite running at its full potential, bringing in Google to drive their trike through campus, helping admissions out with social media projects, helping the state student association out with social media projects...

f***.

[locke]

*hugs Kelly*

Bob,

had the strangest dream last night. my dream remembered another strange dream from months ago that I'd long forgotten and decided to continue it. it didn't make any sense. In the last dream I was moving from a house (not an apartment) and had most everything cleared out of my house. then I determined I needed something to stand on to reach something up high, so the only logical thing to do was to walk into my neighbors house pick up their couch carry it next door to my old house and use that to stand on. last night's dream had me returning to that house, but now it was my couch that was still in it, not the unreturned neighbor's couch, and I was perplexed as to how I was going to move my couch.

more bizarre things happened to, but they make even less sense.

[buckshot]

Hi Bob, I was hunting Saturday evening with Mattie in the south field and saw the biggest buck ever. Big, bigger than any (whitetails) i've seen in years of hunting all over the western states. We watched him for about 20 minutes before he worked back in the timber. I never took a shot but got some decent pics . If he stays around I may take him, but I hope he breeds with my local does first.

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

This whole job searching thing would go a whole lot easier if I didn't keep wasting my time with scam artists.

So far, I've had one company show interest in me. It was a 100% commission insurance salesman, with a company that, while known for legitimately being able to make 6 figures with hard work, is also known for people crashing and burning hard. Oh, and they'll hire pretty much anybody. I drop that idea, then I get my hopes up by finding a career counselling company, give me a little focus and get me where I need to be. Then, after signing up, I find mounting evidence the corporation was little more than another arm of the age old Bernard Haldane scam. Wonderful. I'm 0 for 2 now.

I'm not getting anywhere. I'm not getting phone calls, interviews, anything. I'm scared, Bob, and I don't know where I'm going.

--Cam

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

My latest niece was delivered this morning; I'm an auntie again.

[Jayelle]

Congrats Alea!


I was about to ask "Boy or Girl?" when I realized that... duh... niece.

[buckshot]

Julie and I are impatiently waiting for no 2 daughter to deliver her first baby! We know its gonna be a boy , and I'm ready to spoil him.

[Jayelle]

Hey Cam - do you know that your avatar is a photo bucket message these days, or is that intentional?

Disclaimer to the following post: I don't want to get into an H1N1 debate here in Bob, someone can start a new thread if they want to do that and I'll join in.

Bob,

I'm sick and I hope it's not H1N1. Yuck. I want to get Ginny the vaccine (after delibrating for a month), but now the line ups are so long at the clinics that I don't want to go. There is no way to wait in line for THREE hours with a one-year-old. It is not possible.
AND they keep running out of the vaccine. Stupid clinics. Stupid non-highrisk people getting the shot.

And finally, the reorganization at work sucks. My hours have been cut, so now I have to find a different position that will likely include working every damn weekend.

-JL

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

I still like the new job, but it's hard work and my feel hurt constantly. Also, it's a really saturated market, so I want to switch to the new contract and work for the UNHCR instead of the hospital, but we probably won't do that until I get a bit further along, which stinks because it's slow getting along with the current contract. Like a circle.

In other news, married life is still great.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

The depression is creeping in again. I haven't felt like this in the last two years. I have forgotten how to deal with it.

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

Overall, I usually think I'm pretty good at picking up on social cues.

Apparently not tonight. Though, in retrospect, I must have been just being really dense.

I went out with a group of vet school friends to a vet school/med school mixer at a bar. It was fun. I spent quite a bit of time talking to this med student. Several hours later, he asks for my phone number and if I want to grab dinner sometime.

Uhhh... cue really awkward "I have a boyfriend..." conversation.

*sigh*

[Satya]

Dear Bob,

I'm so weird so sometimes. I almost always look back on social interactions shortly after completion and think, "I never see people talking/acting the way I did... why did I do/say that?" Maybe it was homeschooling or being naturally introverted and not getting the immersive 'practice' most people constantly get from childhood to adolescence, regardless, I just feel 'weird.'

People will be talking about something and I just can't for the life of me even pretend to give a s***. I'm completely disinterested in the lives or interests or opinions of about ninety-five percent of people. And then when I actually am interested in something, people can't satisfy that interest in conversation. Maybe it's just self-absorption.

Sometimes I can't decide whether I want to punch people in the face or hug them. I usually lean to the former, but the point is that people are pathetic - not (completely) in a judgmental sense, but in that people are pitiful. Alright, that word isn't any less mean-sounding, but I think you understand. Is this what they call empathy? Is that what I'm feeling? It's so foreign... So alien.

Sometimes it's just simpler to be alone. That's probably how it will always have to be for me. If I can barely find enough people I think are worthwhile enough to maintain half a dozen friends, what are the odds I'll find an attractive female who satisfies my basic requirements of intelligence, wit, common sense, humor and soul? Not that I'm some super-enlightened monk, and far be it from me to compare myself to Paul, but it seems better for me that I'm alone... I guess.

I also hate pastries. Eclairs, long johns, cinnamon rolls, elephant ears, bear claws... Curse you tasty sweet breads!

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

I think it's time now to sit down and vocalize my life. I'm still pushing hard for work, and not really getting very far. I got a metaphorical kick in the ass the other day which caused me to go and finally talk to someone at a studio about interning for the time being. I'm anxiously awaiting my meeting with the owner of a local studio tomorrow to see if something like that can happen. Bonus point being that the studio shares space with a model training agency. Talk about killing 2 birds with 1 stone, eh?

I've also been pushing pretty hard to improve my sociability. Satya's thought process there is my life motto. I realize my inability to socialize properly is my own issue and not everyone else's, despite many obvious reasons why I just shouldn't care. I've been making efforts to strike up conversations more with the people I do interact with. I'm still stuck, though, Bob, by the simple "starter" fact that I have no friends. There's only so many things I can go out to do by myself. There's only so much I really want to go out by myself and throw myself into an awkward situation so I can continue to spin my wheels mercilessly. But, I am making improvements. Just, not as much as I want.

My ex messaged me out of the blue the other day. I've not heard from her in 4 months, and what I did last hear from her was "We're over, no I'm not going to tell you why, but I still care about you." And now, it's "hey I still wanna be friends, I hope you're doing well." I don't really know how I feel like responding. I mean, outside of purposely being a dick and giving it a couple days before I have any sort of response. I mean, I'm so tempted to call her on things, but I can't decide what kind of reaction I'm looking for.

Yes, I am so dysfunctional that rather than expressing my feelings when I communicate I speak with a targeted reaction in mind.

And when I have no target, I have no idea where to aim...

--Cam