Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Because I know how special and awesome and important I am, I'm going to bless you with updates on my life! [/heavy sarcasm]

My hearing's been scheduled for the 18th.

My interview was pushed from last Friday to this Wednesday but it's definitely happening. I've been wracking my brain, trying to come up with work-related references and then just said f*** it and emailed/called people from the school. Worst they could say was no, right?

Got this reply from one old coworker/supervisor who ignored my call but responded via email: "I would be happy to as long as the position doesn't involve youngsters." To which I have been verbally responding "f*** you" every so often. Yes. I say it out loud. To thin air.

Another one, the principal, said she would be a reference but I have no idea what she'll say and that makes me hesitant to use her. "She worked hard, spent 60+ hours here during the week plus 6-10 on the weekend, but I wouldn't rehire her...she broke district policy." That would be about as good as I could expect and I don't expect it to be anything like that.

I need to hem my pants. They assume people with my waist are something like ten feet tall. Or maybe they just assume people with any waist are taller than I am.

I painted my nieces faces with homemade face paint this morning. There's a story behind that but I'm not up to story telling with you and Pweb, Bob...besides this post, which doesn't technically count anyway.

That's all for now.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

A belated thank you for the hugs and support.

I meant to start back to work on Sunday. However, I got chased away by a (probably) garter snake outside the door that leads to my office. I work in the basement, and there are stairs that go down outside that have concrete around them -- hard to explain. Maybe if I do "a day in the life," I'll post a picture. Anyhow, I had just been thinking what a beautiful day it was, and just thinking about how great nature was, because I'd just seen a family of geese -- mommy, daddy, and seven fuzzy goslings -- walking in the grass near my car. And then I start to descend to the office and SNAKE!!!!!!! So, I yelped and jumped backwards and called my boyfriend. Went back and peered over the edge of the stairwell and it was gone. However, we'd been getting reports of snakes actually being seen in the basement and I hadn't seen it leave. Probably it slithered up the steps and into the nearby brush. But I wasn't going into the basement alone, damnit. So I turned around and drove half an hour home.

I'm not phobic of snakes - technically. When they're pet snakes with a nearby owner. Or in a cage at the zoo. However, random snakes out enjoying the sunny day apparently bother me somewhat.

Anyhow, I went back on Monday. One hundred and thirty emails awaited. Fortunately, most of them really didn't pertain to me.

Lots of catch up phone calls. Lots of paperwork to do.

Some people yesterday and today asking about my grandfather. After the funeral, we went to Grand Forks and saw mutual friends and Donny's family, and then spent a day driving home together and another day pretty much isolated from everyone. So I didn't really have to think about him again until yesterday.

I don't know. I know he lived to a very old age and lived his life in a way that I think most people would envy. And I know I didn't want him to linger on in a state where he couldn't live with that joie de vivre. So I'm grateful. But the world does seem bleaker for not having him in it.

As you probably know from my post in "Things I hate" I had a lot of anger at my aunts and uncles (who I love dearly) for not checking in with my mother about when the wake and funeral would be. I'm still angry when I think about it, although I've mostly let it go. My boyfriend got to hear me venting a LOT in the car. It is very hard for me to forgive people who hurt someone who I feel protective of. Even if the person is someone else I feel protective of. But I kept my peace, for the most part. I asked my uncle why things were so soon, and let him give me a stumbly answer, and then hugged him and left it alone. And, at the wake, when my aunt gave me a big hug and told me she wished my mother was here, I just said, "Yes, I really wish she were here, too," kind of firmly. That was it. I was so mad, though.

Woah. Okay. Starting to tear up at work. Didn't mean to go there. Supervision in twenty minutes. More to follow, Bob, probably when I'm at home tonight and can afford red eyes.

[Petra456]

Bob,

I got stabbed in the foot today. It hurts.

: (

- Fred

[locke]

Bob,

heh, the girl that had a big crush on me my junior year of college and apparently had an absolutely epic trainwreck of a live journal going on about it (as many people have told me having been very entertained by it, but I've never read it) has "it's not stalking if you like it." up on her facebook page. I find that rather amusing, coming from her. I am glad she's had a stable relationship for the last four years or so though. :p

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

As a professional, I hate grief and loss issues. Not other people's. My own. Right now.

Working on the older adult rotation. Older adults generally have issues related to grief and loss. Go to a nursing home for therapy/consult with a woman who lives there. I was a little apprehensive at first, but the nursing home was okay, being there was okay. Then she starts telling me, conversationally, about various deaths of loved ones she's gone through.

Holy countertransference.

Ack.

I cried, a little. Not hard. Just a few tears. She looked concerned, "I'm upsetting you."

Well, that's not how this is supposed to go.

So, calmed down and finished up the visit (productively, I might add, I hate that I cried, but I handled it professionally), finished up the day, went home and bawled for about five minutes.

Tried to talk to my supervisor about it today, but kept getting close to tears so I gave up. I do not like crying in my professional roles.

My supervisor and I discovered today that my Broca's area has stopped functioning. I can't remember names for s*** right now, not of places or people. Not nearly as well as normally. Not of clients or nursing homes or staff. "Where does your boyfriend work?" she asked towards the end. "In a place. That has a name. That I can't remember right now."

So. I hate grief and loss issues. Because they don't compartmentalize well. At least, not if your job is to help people deal with grief and loss issues. Or if it involves concentrating.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Bear Bob,

I'm an idiot.

-me

[Luet]

I wish there was a pill to stop crying when it's enough already. On the plus side, free meal at Five Guys tonight! And Scooper Bowl tomorrow (or Wednesday) depending on the weather.

I had a dream last night that Pheeny started drowning in a glob of shampoo in the bathtub drain. I got her out and she coughed it up and she seemed okay but I kept thinking I should take her to the vet. And then she started talking and I couldn't believe that she had been able to talk this whole time and I never knew it.

[^Peter]

Dear Bob,

I find it ironic that I Aced an essay I had to complete in under an hour, while I got a D on the essay I put a lot of thought and effort into over a 5 days period of time. How the heck does that make any sense!? I felt really good about that D essay... ...

[Young Val]

I wish there was a pill to stop crying when it's enough already.

Seconded.

[Gravity Defier]

Holy crap, Bob, I've been out of here for a week. How did I ever survive it?!


*sigh* Minor -very minor, all things considered- setback that means I can't start until the 16th, now. I can use this week anyway to familiarize myself with stuff and get ready for next week but I don't get paid for it and now my official, on the job training will run concurrently with the start of the summer reading program, which is the big event of the year for the libraries here. This is starting to feel like teaching all over again; you know, sink or swim, we're going to throw you to the sharks. Also minor discomfort here but one of the volunteers who will be starting soon is a former student of mine. I was hoping to escape all that. Oh yeah, pay is...less than they initially suggested.

I swear, those are not complaints, really and truly they're not. I have a job, I'll get paid more than I was making over the last 14 months, and the former student can be dealt with. I'm just surprised and a little disappointed by the delay. It'll work out and I'll do just fine. I did get my badge today and I don't look terrible on it; my badge from the school was akin to a bad DL picture.


With all that said, while I should stop there in case I jinx myself, life is getting back to good. The knowledge that I'll be spending nine hours at work, 6-8 asleep, one for exercise, and 45 minutes or so in travel makes coming home to my overly obnoxious brother seem tolerable. Add to it the peace of mind I have from knowing I'll be able to pay off my mom's car and start saving (yay! that spreadsheet is alive again!) towards my one and only plan/hope and I feel even better. It's sort of amazing how I feel more capable, interesting, free, and alive because of this.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob, I scraped my nose, and there is a huge scab. When I try to cover it up, the make up wears off during the day!

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I just had cause to come across my old landmark threads... I'm not sure how I feel about that...

~Rei

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

I find it ironic that I Aced an essay I had to complete in under an hour, while I got a D on the essay I put a lot of thought and effort into over a 5 days period of time. How the heck does that make any sense!? I felt really good about that D essay... ...

Just a little note here, I had the same problem when I was in AP English in high school. I would revise a take home essay so much and tinker with it to the point that it would be something completely different from the original essay that I wanted to write. My solution was to write the essay like I would an in class essay. Take a couple hours, write the essay, quick proofread and edit. Then I would take a look at it the day before it was due to make sure it made sense and then hand it in. My results improved greatly. Not sure if this will help you, but just something to give some thought.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

This class is killing my brain. I only hope that I pass so that I can be done with this degree and can say that I've finished. And I wish this semantics textbook had a glossary.

~Rei

[Yebra]

Bear Dob,

Grrrr.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time. I haven't been able to get hardly any sleep. And it doesn't help that I have swim practice at 7 o'clock four times a week. I'm so sore everywhere, and I am just so glad I'm out of school, cause if I was, my grades would surely be dropping.

I finally got a decent night's sleep yesterday (as in I went to bed before 11 and slept in til 10), but it doesn't seem to have done any good, seeing as I'm still gloomy this morning. This is also no help, but I've started my period this morning. Ugh. I hate having a period.

I also have a volleyball camp this week after swimming, and we've been using muscles I haven't used in ages. Which leads to, you guessed it, even more soreness. I've been this way for about a week, I wish it would all go away.

Yeah, thanks for listening to me.

-Me

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I spent today at the library, getting an unofficial feel for things (and unofficially recommending all my favorite YA books to some of the older kids) and it was...amazingly fun. If this is how life is after I officially start, well, life will be awesome.

I was a little sleepy, trying to adjust to 9 hours of active status -on about 5 hours of sleep- after so long of inactive living but I'll get there.


Only downside to this being happy stuff that I can see is that I basically want to tackle-hug, regular hug, poke, and otherwise pester you know who constantly. He gets off somewhat easily, though, by getting lots of rambling instead. Though I'm finding it hard not to throw in certain, too-friendly things, especially when I'm wanting to tackle-hug, regular hug, or poke the poor guy. Either way, he's a good sport for putting up with me. I should give him a sticker.


Anyway. I'm happy for an almost-record-breaking two days in a row. And the good isn't over yet. I have a Calvin and Hobbes book to read and a work-related project to finish up for my wall. *happy sigh*

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

I wish I wasn't so tired all the time.

http://www.tired.com/

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

I am feeling better!!!! I finished my camp yesterday, and didn't have any swim team. I put this weird thing called like Biofreeze, I think, and it felt all weird, and cool, and tingley. Then I texted my friend and painted my nails bright yellow. Then I got a good night's sleep. I woke up this morning and slept in a half hour later, and went to swim practice. It was just us "big kids", so it was almost relaxing without all the little kids.

I'm also kind of happy, cause this guy sent me a picture of a cute little teddy bear. It was all red, and white, and blue; American flag colory. It really made my day. Now I just have to wait for my damn period to stop, and I'll be perfectly happy.

Aaahhh, I'm so glad it's summer!!!

-Me

[locke]

Bob, I started packing last night, and packed up 5 boxes of books no problem. then I un-double-stacked the rest of my shelves and it looks like I have not really packed much of anything, in fact two dvd shelves are still double stacked!

last year I had 6 book boxes and that was exactly the right number. I only have 5 of those boxes left as I gave one of them away, I think I will need to buy three more book boxes in order to pack all my books.

That means I've acquired two boxes worth of books in the last year. actually, eyeballing it, it looks like about 2.33 boxes worth of additional books, but I'll just put the overflow in one of the medium boxes with dvds.

I think most of those new books are Pratchett books and nonfiction.

I've pulled out a pile of at least five books that I'm adding to the top of my to read list because they categorize under "oh I always meant to read that." first up, A Day in the Life of Ivan Denesovich.

but anyway, I've started packing and it doesn't really look like it yet, no shelves are fully bare, things are a teensy bit tidier though.

and I put down the deposit and first months rent, whew that wiped out a big chunk from my savings. I shall strive to replenish it quickly.

and my roommate brought back two of my cookie sheets and my coaster. she didn't bring back the cookie sheet I've had longest (since my freshman year of college) and that in many ways I like the most. she didn't bring back my 8x8 and 7x11 pyrex dishes and she didn't bring back my nice pair of kitchen tongs. I listed all these things in my initial email. and when I emailed her about the remaining items she said "I don't have any more of your things. and what is pyrex anyways?"
sigh. I'm surprised I got anything back. but still frustrating.

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

The only thing more terrifying than realising that no one has any clue what's going on is realising that it's meant to be me.

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

My uncle died last week. He's been fighting with Hepatitis C for the past seven years, ever since he found out that he was pretty much screwed from the start. Turns out doing drugs with dirty needles is a really bad idea, even if you're 18 and invincible. It'll come back to kill you. Anyway, my uncle was probably the coolest one I had. He was a great guy, a real cynical one who I would have gotten along great with if I had managed to meet him more than five times, and he was also a great and patient dad.

He met my aunt about twelve years back, when he was on base in Okinawa, where she taught (and still will, when she goes back) elementary school. She came back to the States (for the annual trip to Lake Sakakawea), told the family about him, and then went back and got engaged. I first met him on my first trip out of the States, to their wedding (Take 1) in Germany, also on base. I had a great time, met his son who was two years older, and overall didn't notice that all eleven of the other people crammed into the two bedroom flat hated being there. I wasn't even aware that the wedding got canceled, for reasons I'm still not sure of.

I met him a few more times over the years, mostly at that same lake, until the last time I saw him alive, where his liver was really failing him, his legs and belly were swollen, and he was given to fits of extreme depression. And I still liked hanging out with him, and it was still obvious that he loved his wife and the daughter they had had along the way.

When he took a turn for the serious worst on a flight to Texas (to see his family) last month, he was emergency flown to San Francisco and put into ICU. My aunt called my mom, because they've been best friends ever since they met at my parent's wedding, and my mom flew down, and has pretty much been with her, taking care of my little cousin, up until two days ago, when we left North Dakota. He finally died last Wednesday, after his liver, kidneys, and even lungs had failed due to various complications. The vigil was Tuesday, and the actual funeral Wednesday. Apparently Catholic funerals are a lot different than the ones on TV.

You see, besides my uncle, I've only had one person I've known die. My grandma. When I was six. She lived in North Dakota, a whole Montana away, and I also very rarely saw her. So this was a big deal. I'm 21 years old, and I've only had one person I actually knew die, and I still barely knew him.

How's that for something interesting, Bob?

Jeff

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

No calls from HR since that one last week so I'm going to go ahead and finally believe that work is in my immediate future. I finished my giant paint brush; the bristles have been added and colored to look as though it was dipped in paint. I have the streamer that will spell out the words. I have (legally) acquired 301MB of music that might be used in a storytime (Skinnamarink, hell yes).

There is now a binder that houses my paperwork that will be used in evaluations in 6mos-1yr, with tabs and sheet protectors. I need to add my lovely new buttons to my shoes and I need to paint my shirt, but otherwise, even my clothes are picked out for Tuesday. Included in the ensemble are the earpins from Nomi; they kind of make me feel like I have a social support group standing behind me much like the network support group in those Verizon commercials.

I have a nifty pair of big kid scissors to take in since the outgoing librarians were rather cutthroat and left me Not Much At All. I even reclaimed the banner they took that was supposed to stay at my library.

My sleep schedule is still f****** but I didn't think it would work with me and planned on it correcting itself after a day or two anyway. I already suspect I'll be so excited/nervous Monday night that I won't get much sleep.

I turned some of the fledgling nerves I have into energy to clean and have since attacked both my room and my poor, poor green/computer room. My nieces demolished it. There is very little exaggeration in that statement. It was basically the room I had always imagined and then they came...

My own room has gotten even worse than it was because I've had to move my things that I had trusted to keep outside of it back in. My candles, little glass vases, my easel and paints. Bah, the freaking Christmas ornaments I had hanging are even in here now, after I noticed one broken one in a pot and three others missing altogether.

My map in the hall has been ripped, my framed pictures hanging up out there have been knocked down more times than I can count and so those things might be brought back into my room. I need to start working so I can get out of here for 9 hours.


I finally got around to throwing out things from the school I'll never need again. Two inches worth of space on a bookshelf was opened up as a result.

Yesterday I almost bought a scarf I liked to add to my pile of things to use once I leave but I don't need it now, I don't have the space for it, and in the pit of my stomach, I've already started trying to scare myself out of the whole thing. I'm now sleeping with encouraging things, namely a picture of myself on the grass in front of the planetarium with my back to the skyline and the note saying I'll make it, off to the side of my twin sized bed; it's a good thing I'm small by some standards.

Bob, I'm feeling like there is no safe place but right here to talk about things. I'm told I'm going about things wrong, I'm irrational, unrealistic, crazy, looking at things too pessimistically...or people gloss over it like it really doesn't matter, or they change the subject, or I never get to a comfort level where I can just say it. I am terrified that I'm going to fail, that I won't have anyone there to help me or show support, and I'm even more terrified that I'll let that stop me. Bob, promise that you at least will always be here for me, any hour of the day, any day of the week that I need you. I'm so sick of not being able to get over myself. But work...that'll be my escape. There I'll believe all those things I can't get myself to believe anywhere else with anyone.

Last thing, Bob. Why is it that every time I turn to you, I dislike myself a little more than the last time? I don't want to need anyone or anything, ever. Right now, I sort of need you. Life's changing again, even if it's a net good and a smallish, partially familiar change.

[Luet]

even my clothes are picked out for Tuesday. Included in the ensemble are the earpins from Nomi; they kind of make me feel like I have a social support group standing behind me much like the network support group in those Verizon commercials.

Yay! I'm so proud to be in your social support group! I'm definitely cheering for you.

[Eaquae Legit]

Alea, you are going to be AWESOME. We're all rooting for you - the lowest bead on the left earpin, that's me.

Unrelated, but watch your inbox next week, since I have a surprise for you.

[Gravity Defier]

*super big grin* You guys are awesome.


I will definitely watch out; I'm hoping it's a picture of that one thing I been wanting to see since forever ago but if not, you should definitely send that, too. And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, I will be more than happy to PM ya.

[Eaquae Legit]

Even BETTER, I promise.

[Gravity Defier]

Oh man, this is going to be something then if it's better because that's pretty darn awesome. *excited*

[Rei]

Bob,

I feel ill. I think I'm going to fail this class too. In fact, I'm almost certain of it. All I want is the lousy half-credit so that I can graduate, and it looks like I'll end up graduating a full year later because I couldn't manage to pass a single lousy class. I guess we will see what happens after the exam.

~Rei

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

The apartment application has been approved! No homelessness this summer!

~Rei

[locke]

Dear Bob,

The apartment application has been approved! No homelessness this summer!

~Rei

such a terrific feeling, that.

-

Bob,

okay, so I'm packing (didn't get anything packed last night, but I did shuffle boxes around so I now have room for more boxes. 'yay' :/

I'm disliking my roommates ever more. I asked for the garage remote so I can park in the parking lot the day I'm moving out (and I should actually have the remote right now, as it's my turn but my roommate determined by fiat she deserved it more and decided to nix the remote exchange arrangement the last few weeks of our stay in this place. Anyway I asked her to lend me the remote friday night as I'll be moving out Saturday morning and she looked at me like this was an insufferable burden. I mentioned I wouldn't even need the parking space, just the remote and she reluctantly said she'd give it to me. I don't trust her or like her, she's a liar, she actively tries to find reasons to start passive agressive cold wars with me and the other roommates. Worst of all she and my other roommate, upon discovering that R (who moved out at the end of April and got a subletter for May and June) was charging the subletter 50$ more per month than her rent decided to reduce their rents by 25$ month for May/June but not tell me. So that is essentially 33$ they cheated me out of, which is almost not worth the confrontation. Except that our internet is 11 per month per person and my roommate wants 33 from me for April May June. I don't think I will pay it.

If I did add up all the things I've bought for the house that everyone uses, they would probably owe me 50 each (if not more). I've spent at least 80$ on lightbulbs over the last year. I've bought ALL our trashbags for the year, I've bought all but three rolls of paper towels for the year, and I've bought probably half of the toilet paper for the year. I've also bought all the dish washer detergent used, as well as all the sponges and scrubby pads in the kitchen. I also bought a swiffer. So I really don't think that I should be paying that 33 in the first place. and yet, I probably will pay it, because its easier to pay it to make her go away than to get into a fight or her thinking she has some sort of small claim against me. :/

in any event I later heard the poisonous one saying to the pothead that "Adam's moving out soon," and the reply, "Yaaayyyyyyyy!" "I know, right, I can't wait!" "it's going to be so nice."

I can't wait to be out of that hell hole.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,
My contacts are bugging me. Did you know that if you yawn while you have contacts in, the contacts get all clear, and it makes it easier to see. I know, right! it's like weird.

But yawning won't help if your contacts fell out which happens sometimes in the pool. I have to wear goggles just to stick my head under water.
_________

I'm really bored right now. And kinda pissed. My sister is being quite b****y today. She came back from a sleep over, and the first thing she does to me is act all rude, and stuck up. She also calls me mean, and stuff like that when I haven't done anything wrong to her or anyone else. Thankfully, I have my other little sister who adores me (most of the time)...

I can't wait til she goes away to her rehersal thing and can leave me alone
_________

Haha, yesterday's swim meet was so fun!

I was prank texting one of my team mate's friends that was with him. He was sitting right there! I had his # but he didn't have mine. So he was asking "who is this" and stuff like that, and I didn't tell. He replied, "f*** u" and "seeya, b****" I showed him by replying, "RBAY, d***head."
my team mate said he recognized the number, but didn't remember who it was. I told them (using my awesome acting skills) that i also knew the number, but couldn't place it. They tried calling the number (which was mine) but I answered, and hung up really quickly before they could hear my voice mail. He did it like a few times, on his phone, his friend's, and he actually asked to use my phone. I let them, and dialed my number on my phone. They waited, and my team mate told me that it just went to my voice mail. They figured it out, and I was caught. I swear, it was the funniest thing I had ever done to the two of them. They certainly deserved it.

Another good thing was that we won!!! Our first swim meet of the season. We beat the other team by about 30 points.

It was weird, cause I saw the brother of one of my classmate's helping with the other team.
___________

Haha, yesterday was funny.
___________

Last night, I had a weird dream. I remember the pool, and a bunch of Barbie dolls. There was a huge store with the biggest toy aisle I had ever seen. There were rows and rows of stuff that I didn't know what they were even for. I don't remember what the pool was for, but I do remember one of my team mate's (not the one i was texting) driving me home with his little brother, which was weird, cause I don't know him that well, and neither of us are old enough to drive. And when we got out of the car, there was a huge pile of Barbie stuff in my house. There were Barbies, Play Houses, clothes, Kens, Kellys, and lots of other stuff. It was freaky, cause I hate dolls and anything to do with them. Especially baby dolls with their weird eyes and just eeeewwww *shivers inwardly* Not a pleasant night, even though I did sleep well.

I don't really know how to end this...

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

It's raining here, tonight. I like the sound of rain at night... There is something very comforting to it. I think I need something stabilising in my life, though. I'm too often finding myself feeling adrift and in a spin, and I want everything to just pause for a moment so that I can catch my breath and sort out reality from imagining. Until then, there is the rain.

~Rei

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob,

My face is very red.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Very first post on this page mentioned what I got to go to today. In case you forgot, which you most likely did and that's understandable; you have a lot of people telling you stuff. I wish I could forget. I'd tell you more but I'm much too upset...at my dad, at the prosecutor, at myself, at life. I'll just tell you now, though, that I get to go back on the 13th of next month and I'm dreading it with every ounce of my being.

Let me mention my happy moment. I was rearranging the j-fiction section so that the sets were integrated with the rest, making them easier for the patrons to find since the rest of the section is by Author, when this adorable little boy with big bright brown eyes started playing peek-a-boo with me. Through the stacks, through my cart, through hands and fingers. And it hit me that I'm getting paid for that.