Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I was covering the receptionist's desk at work today during her lunch break, and one aspect of that includes fielding phone calls.

I got a call today that started out normal but very rapidly became sexually explicit. Very, very explicit. I froze for what seemed like ages and eventually managed to hang up. I'm sure it was really only 30 seconds or so, but it felt like forever as unpleasant things usually do.

At first I was just grossed out but kind of shrugged it off. It's about an hour later now, though, and I'm pretty sure I'm on the edge of a full-blown panic attack about it.

It's not just so much the phone call itself, although that's upsetting, but it's bringing back this flood of THOSE memories, all those other ones and I feel so vulnerable and weak and helpless again and I swore I'd NEVER let ANYONE make me feel this way ever ever again and yet here I am, shaking, like it all just happened all over again.

[Luet]

I am so, so, so sorry. I would offer you a hug and a xanax if I was there. But *hug* anyway. Freaking perverts.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My back teeth hurt.

s***.

I cannot afford another tooth issue. I can't. I really, really can't. Literally. No money. Oh, God.

Maybe I'll just ask him to yank it out.

[Luet]

Bad day, bob. I saw him at a convenient store. I was by myself getting some stupid cheeseburger dogs to bring home for Mark. He was walking from the attached Subway through the store to the bathrooms. My first instinct was to just leave but I fought the urge because that would be weak. I continued getting the food which was difficult considering how badly I was shaking. Then someone from my hall came in, who was also on their way home from the meeting. I casually asked if she could come help me find the gatorade Mark wanted (which made no sense but she could tell something was wrong). I just did NOT want to be alone in there, not knowing when he was going to come back. So, she stood with me chatting about bottled drinks for a few minutes and he must have left during that time because I never saw him again. But I was shaking so much that I could barely pay. It doesn't help that I had a nightmare about him two nights ago where he was chasing me and I could see his crazy eyes.

Then I came home and worked outside (painting the beams under the deck and yard work) for 5 hours, partly to keep busy and not think about it. I got a sunburn for the first time in a couple years which I'm mad at myself about. I would have put sunblock on if I knew I was going to stay out so long. I always manage to underestimate the sun.

Then I made the mistake of suggesting that I wanted to change something that my husband had done with the porch steps and he's now mad at me for the rest of the night. Everything will be fine tomorrow but it is not a good time to have him mad at me. I've been crying on and off all night. I wish I had just left the stupid steps alone.

[Rei]

Bob,

I passed. I do not deserve it by any means but by the grace of God I passed. Oi... Now there's only one class on the line, so I need to study like mad, and then maybe I will actually graduate this semester, God willing.

~Rei

[Confessions]

So work sent a coworker and me out of town... they needed help at another location... to make a long story short, my coworker and I met two very cool girls at the other location, and hit it off. The four of us hung out every night after work, and had a blast. I neglected to mention to them that I happen to have a girlfriend, and I hit it off pretty well with one of the girls. We didn't do anything except a lot of flirting, but it's still probably more than I should have done.

I know I shouldn't have, but it just feels nice to flirt. A relationship is so easy. I'm not a jerk, I show affection, I remember important days, and I show up with the occasional sweet, random, romantic gift, and it all goes smoothly. I'm simplifying, but they're still pretty easy. Flirting, and all that leading up to a relationship has always seemed harder to me, and more fun. There's always the uncertainty and the wondering if you're hopeless or not. I've been in this relationship for years now, and it just seems so flat now days... I'm just afraid that someone in my office will hear about it, or she'll come up here for work, or something will happen and it'll all blow up, or something. Or that eventually, she'll find out I had a girlfriend the entire time. I'm not even sure what to do, if anything at all. Any thoughts, oh great and wise internet?

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I can't move again. I have to find a job here.

Because whenever I move, apparently it takes me over half a year to get my s*** together, financially and physically.

Grrr.

In the parlance of one of my favorite ex-supervisees, I need to stop hating on myself.

[Gravity Defier]

f***. f*** f*** f*** f***, f***!

I'm not even supposed to be posting here, now...one of those self-enforced "You need a break, you're too much" things.

But I just got a call back from the lawyer's office, finally after weeks of me trying to get any information out of them and I got some great news so far.

1) They managed to lose my file between last April and the time I called, which is why they took so long getting back to me. Out-f******-standing. I have my copies of everything but it worries me a whole hell of a lot that something so basic as file-keeping is not better handled. I'd go find a new lawyer but, well, that whole shopping around thing costs money, as in $100-300 for a consultation. I can't drop that kind of money. Which leads me to:

2) If I retain her services for the paperwork to expunge my record, it'll cost me $250. PER CHARGE. I had 5. $1250. God dammit. I knew it would cost but that's it. That is literally every penny I have left. Every last one.

$3000 for lawyer last year
~$890 for court fees, to avoid jail time
$1250 to expunge my record
Loss of income for a year
If I ever want to drive with insurance in the next two years, I would have to cough up an extra $2600 a year, on top of the cost it was before the insurance company finally (yesterday) caught wind of everything.

When is enough enough already?

Friday I have to see the lawyer to finalize everything. After I tell her the whole stupid story again.

And I have to ask my mom to either cancel my cell, as I don't have the means to terminate the contract, or to pay for it...I don't want to do either. I'm so fed up with being helpless and dependent.

Because I can't drive, lest I risk being pulled over and as a result, get ticketed for driving without insurance --> loss of driver's license for 2 years, I was going to buy a bike for getting around. Oh, wait! I can't!

I cannot take this s***.

I hate money.

I hate life.

Please don't hug or PM me. This is my fault.

Stupid, stupid Alea.

[locke]

Bob,

Apparently there is a movie called Adam about a socially awkward guy and his love interest Beth.

heh, Beth is the name of the most recent girl I dated. I am bemused.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

I'm ok. Everybody needs to go at their own pace.

Basically, I've learned that I can do what I've been doing all the time, and even more, and not feel as missing something. Which is heartening.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

Apparently there is a movie called Adam about a socially awkward guy and his love interest Beth.

heh, Beth is the name of the most recent girl I dated. I am bemused.

It beats the two movies I have:
Eddie
Ed

Note: I am not a black woman nor a chimp(although I am very hairy). Needless to say, there were many a joke directed my way when these were released.

[Mich]

It beats the two movies I have:
Eddie
Ed

What about Edtv? That's... um... well, it's a movie. About a reality show. And it has, um... well, it has Matthew McConaughey. So that may or may not be something, depending upon what you like. Or if you are a woman.

[neo-dragon]

My most well known movie namesake wears a hockey mask and kills people with a machete.

I don't think I've ever worn a hockey mask in my life.

[Syphon the Sun]

My most well known movie namesake wears a hockey mask and kills people with a machete.

I don't think I've ever worn a hockey mask in my life.

I notice you didn't claim you've never killed people with a machete...

[locke]

I notice you didn't claim you've never killed people with a machete...

While very few Canadians ever wear hockey masks, killing people with machetes is a popular national pasttime, silly.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

I got a new job!! Woot! Woot!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

If the prosecutor and judge both agree, 2-4 weeks from now I'll be free; the paperwork was submitted today (I had the form we needed and practically all filled out) and there's nothing left to do but wait (more, yes, always the waiting) and do some form of prayer to the universe at large.

I'm afraid the other details of it might not be the best things to discuss here until I know one way or the other what's going to happen, but you got the important part of it all.




Bob, the turning point has to be today. I need this to be the day where things start going my way again.

[Jeesh_girl15]

Dear Bob, I am bored and have nothing to do.
Also, i am torn between three guys that i like. Problem!
I can't really miss you, cause I didn't even know Pweb existed a few monthsago. I think we'll get along just fine.

[Mich]

Dear Bob,

It's been almost four days since someone has written to you! How strange.

In other news, I'm sincerely, sincerely hoping that the application to Safeway that I just filled out will get a response that I won't have to accept. Please, please God of summer jobs, not a stupid job like that.

[Confessions]

Bob,

Something's wrong. I'm nearly certain of that fact now.

I'm worried.

So today, I waited three and a half hours so that I could take the bus with a certain person who is, unbeknownst to him, my informant on such matters. Certain person, however, chose to be a total idiot and not take the bus today, on the one day I secretly really needed him to. Now I've wasted my entire day and I still don't know anything.

I hate Thursdays.

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

I am no longer a 1VM! I am now a 2VM! And I came through with my sanity mostly in tact.

Wooooooooooo!

[Oliver Dale]

(Congrats, Kimmie!)

[thoughtreader]

Dear bob,

I hate that right now I should be working on my final human physiology project that is due in 8 hours but I’m not I’m writing a long winded ANGRY rant to you instead…

I really can’t stand my roommates girlfriend. She is SO hypocritical and shallow ALL OF THE TIME!!!!!! When he decided to raise money for cancer research by shaving his head for the St. Baldwick’s foundation she got pissed, why you ask… because he would look bad in there dinner dance photo’s. I mean come on you think your stupid fraternity sorority formal dinner photo’s are more important than f****** cancer research.

Any time my roommate, my boyfriend, my self, or any of our friends say anything that ruffles her feathers the tiniest bit she can do whatever the f*** she wants yell, scream, hit you (sometimes really hard and not just on the arm or something sometimes she hits in the face), be a nasty bitch, whatever the hell she wants. But if she does something that really really gets to me and I lightly “hit” her on the shoulder she gets all sorts of bitchy starts screaming “OMG NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!!” like she’s never done it ten times worse. (I know I shouldn’t do it and I try not to but I do it maybe once a month as compared to her doing it at least once a day).

I don’t know about you but when I’m having sex with my fiancé I try to keep it down when I know there are other people in the house awake or asleep. I think its common courtesy. She on the other hand is so f****** loud that I can here her in any room of the house. I’ll admit to having loud sex every couple of months when I’m drunk and just don’t realize how loud I am. But for her it’s every single time. I mean put a f****** sock in it. And on the rare occasion that I am loud she comments on it. (Not that I’ve never commented on her I know I have but that’s because it’s CONSTANT)

And I really don’t get there relationship… they both say outright in front of each other that they “don’t EVER want to get married to each other” they both want to get married someday but they don’t “like each other that way” but at the same time they say “I love you” all the time WTF!!!!!!
And she is moving in to our apartment in about 2 weeks (totally not looking forward to it but I’m moving out in 2 to 3 months so I’ll be ok). I mean she practically lives here now spends the night most nights she’s here when no one else is but she doesn’t have a key so its not “official” or whatever. So any time she needs to get in she calls me or my roommate to get our keys… The other day he had to wait for me to get in the house because she had his keys and then locked him out. I told him I had a spare and asked if he wanted me to just give it to her. HE SAID NO!!!!! why? Because he’s not ready for her to have a key yet!!!!!!!!! WFT does he think is going to happen in two f****** weeks when she moves in?????????

Oh and I love my friends I really do but 90%+ of them are “Greek” so I can’t go one f****** conversation with them without hearing “gamma this or Theta that” and I know that they are important groups to my friends (like the wresting team was for me) but can we go five minuets without talking about them?


AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!

End rant…..

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My frontal lobe is like the Senate, where the majority party only has 50 some-odd votes. Most of it WANTS to do the right thing, be organized, make good and logical decisions, but the damn minority keeps filibustering and introducing distractor issues.

(Not meant as a political slam towards any party, the analogy just amused me.)

[Gravity Defier]

Hey, Bob.

This -

do some form of prayer to the universe at large.

- did not work. Even though I was not ordered by the court to undergo counseling, it has now been made a requirement for even just the consideration of the termination of my probation that I get a psychological exam, at a whopping $1000. Alea, meet Hoop #9847873497.

I'm starting to get a strengthened belief in socioeconomic prejudice, since the petition filed requesting my probation get terminated and my record set-aside clearly stated I have struggled to find work thanks to competition -graduates and those laid-off who have clean records, that I have been out of work for 13 months, and that a position I actually have a shot at -not to mention the military if they really want to treat that as my saving grace requires I'm off probation - would involve me working with kids (youth services library assistant, aka non-certified children's librarian) and if HR sees my record on a background check, they'll likely deny me the position even if the interviewing panel loves me. Since they know I don't have the money to throw at all these obstacles that cost in the thousands, I think they are satisfied with requiring I clear them, knowing full well I can't. My parents certainly can't afford it; my dad is already working two jobs to make his ends meet and my mom is struggling month to month to support us here because she's also helping out my brothers, all of whom make my debt look like nothing at all. In lieu of jail, they'll just make sure I suffer outside of it one way or the other.

I shouldn't be posting here. Not just because this stuff is ongoing -though I don't think I've said anything that could damage my already small chances of having any luck- but also because I just don't feel like I belong here at the moment. I'm not sure I feel like I belong anywhere at the moment. I'm feeling increasingly like a burden or a downer to everyone who matters to me, like they'd all lead happier lives if they could just cut me loose and move on. Because that's what is happening. All around me, people are moving on to bigger, better, and/or different things and I'm stuck and I'm this pathetic excuse for a person because I can't offer anyone anything other than my problems.

Somehow, I thought things might have started to go my way. I started getting ideas and making loose plans. I got hopeful. When I started crying for the 5th time today -wish that were exaggeration: 1) with psychologist's secretary 2) with lawyer's secretary 3) with friend when asking for help finding alternative shrinks that her dad, also a shrink, might know 4) with my mom when she called after I texted her the latest development and 5) with my dad when he called after I texted him the latest development- my dad told me not to lose hope; I would like to just not get it in the first place. Each time I started the calls out as strongly as I could, each time I was reduced to tears by frustration or from them attempting to comfort me. My mom came home and hugged/held me and told me to be strong, that this will end, even if it takes the next two years. Then my dad stopped by tonight, I guess to make sure I was okay. I know they worry on days like this, days when I am more openly reminded of things and less able to cope with it. My friend reminded me, when my voice was all shaky, that she doesn't like emotion and although my news was bad, she just received her copy of P & P & Zombies, was going out to dinner with a mutual friend of ours who is not actually keen on acting like a friend of mine, is almost done with the end of her school year and can't wait for summer break, and isn't that good news that should cheer me up?

I'm tired. But if Mr. Tilney and Miss Morland will have me, I shall spend time with them tomorrow. The day after, some other fictional people will permit me their company. And so the time will pass, me tired of living the way I am and them not living at all; we're kind of the same, that way.

[locke]

Bob,

I focused on something that needed doing really badly and cleaned my room. took a long ass time. still not 100% but at 95, just need to file all the sorted paperwork that had been floating around. I also badly need new shelving. I'm entirely running out of room. :-p

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I forgot to tell you: the 8th was my 6 year anniversary with you/Pweb.

And you know what? I'm still having moments where I fail to grasp the weirdness/awesomeness of it all.

[^Peter]

Bob,

If I had a nickel for every time mocked my height, I'd have... ... a lot of nickels. The obnoxious ones do it every passing, even on the days when I'm so obviously limping through the halls. Inconsiderate jerks. They'll all be drop-outs soon, I'm pretty sure. Really, do they have to mock a short kid's height?

Oh well. Other then that, I'm great. Hakuna matata, Mr. Bob. Hakuna Matata.

[Eddie Pinz]

Bob,

Tonight I am hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend. She's already cheated on him with me. I don't feel bad about this situation at all. Does that make me a bad person?

[buckshot]

Eddie' The fact that you thought about the (other dude ) proves youre a good guy! She's the cheat

[elfprince13]

Bob,

Tonight I am hanging out with a girl who has a boyfriend. She's already cheated on him with me. I don't feel bad about this situation at all. Does that make me a bad person?

Did you know about the situation before or after she cheated with you?

[Jebus]

Bob,
I forgot to tell you: the 8th was my 6 year anniversary with you/Pweb.

And you know what? I'm still having moments where I fail to grasp the weirdness/awesomeness of it all.

Pfft, noob. I'm half a year shy of the eight year anniversary. Eight years! That's, like, closing in on a decade, or something.

[steph]

Hey Bob. I'm stressing! I'm trying to get ready to leave for my trip on Saturday, but I can't make progress on packing because I'm working on these necklace orders! We've received 20 orders in the last 36 hours! Holy Cow!!! I'm excited that people like our stuff, and I'm excited for the money, but couldn't they have waited until I was settled in Phoenix so I could just make them and ship them from there? Now my poor husband will have to package these orders up to ship because they won't be ready to go before I leave. I hope he doesn't mind!

BUT, I'll be able to afford groceries next month, so I'm not REALLY complaining. Just stressing!!

[Gravity Defier]

Pfft, noob.

I may be a newbie but at least I'm real.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I am about ready to kill the doctor at my grandfather's nursing home. He informed my uncle and aunts that the role of a nursing home is, "to keep them alive and to keep them quiet." This is the man, who, when my grandfather started falling prescribed Ativan, for god's sake, which INCREASES fall risk in the elderly. Apparently so he'd be too sedated to get up.

In reading more and more about dementia issues, I'm thinking it's a Lewy-Body dementia. But they aren't testing, they aren't doing anything except getting frustrated with him and drugging him to relieve their frustration.

I need to call my family and advise them to bring in a psychological consultant (NOT another f****** med person).

I'm really, really upset about this whole thing.