Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[elfprince13]

Bob,
I CAN'T SLEEP. I hate these nights when my bed doesn't feel as welcoming as it should, and the fear that sleep will bring even less peace then being awake.
~Thomas

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I am reading the ICRC report on 14 prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

I am so utterly repulsed. I don't even know where to begin.

It's a professional outrage, to some degree.

f*** APA's wishy-washy stance on this. Glad the majority rammed that f****** common-sense resolution down their throats.

Not that it matters.

As my supervisor reminded me today, this is human behavior writ large. As I said when the Abu Ghraib photos came out, any psychology student who'd taken a class in basic social psychology could have told you that, given those circumstances, that was what was going to happen. The fact that this is human, ugly and plain, is helping me view this as a tragedy and a warning more than anything else.

Curse our adaptable envelope-pushing dehumanizing brains.

[human.]

Hey, Bob..

My SAT scores are in..

While I'm excited that I broke two thousand on the first go around, I can't help but feel slightly disappointed.. I hate always feeling like I could have done better.. Because I always can.. But! I am determined to at least be happy that I managed to get the math score I wanted, and that I have a beautiful life, that my pre-cal grade was actually a point higher than the computer told me it was, that I have a loving boyfriend, even if he left without saying goodbye.. but it's cool, 'cause I know he'll be back, because he cares. So, happiness for the day! And hope that it'll be better. Hey! And I made a new friend! So that's good news, right? How's your friend cabinet coming, Bob?

human.

[Luet]

bob,

I had my last therapy appt last week. It had been a month since my last session and we both kind of sensed that it was time. It amazes me how far I've come in only 6 months with this therapist. I had spent a year with one previously without making much progress. I know that I'm that much more removed from the situation, which makes a difference, but still. I have mixed feelings about being done but overall I'm in a good place.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I would very much like to go into detail, explaining each ***** and **** and ******* but I'm hesitant to do so.

That just about sums the whole thing up, actually. It is pleasant - understatement of the day/week/month/year- but probably stupid.

But I'm happy. That's why I came to you, Bob. Just to let you know I'm happy.





(Those are self-censored, non-cuss words...just FYI)

[Gravity Defier]

*the double dutch post*

Bob,

I called my lawyer this morning but no answer. Either way, I left a very detailed message so the wheels on the bus should be turning again here shortly. Eleven days until one year from that part of this whole ordeal.



SO freaking nervous that the judge will side against me. Because, you know, I may be smart but I'm extremely stupid.

[/That Garbage]

[happy Alea]

[elfprince13]

Bob,
I think this is the first time, in the nearly 2 weeks that I've been home, that I've really gotten a handle on what happened, and felt like I can begin moving past it. There've still been some nightmares, insomnia, and probably 3 random outbreaks of barely restrained teariness, but hopefully things will go uphill from here. And we're still on cordial terms, though she says she'll really only believe that I've forgiven her when I get engaged to someone not-her and invite her to my wedding. I'm hoping that Easter will bring some sort of emotional renewal.
~Thomas

[shadow-petra]

Bob,

I don't know why, but I feel especially lonely today. I just want someone to hold, or to be held. it might be becuase it was a big rain day, but I feel really alone. doesn't really help that I go to a gay school and work all the time...I don't know why I can't just party. I don't know, but I can't force myself to do it. i hate being so guarded all the time...

[elfprince13]

Bob,

I don't know why, but I feel especially lonely today. I just want someone to hold, or to be held. it might be becuase it was a big rain day, but I feel really alone. doesn't really help that I go to a gay school and work all the time...I don't know why I can't just party. I don't know, but I can't force myself to do it. i hate being so guarded all the time...

*hug* (I need one too)

[locke]

Bob, I watched a bit of totoro this weekend with my three year old niece, she was falling asleep to it on top of my younger sister, but she was loving it.

I want a totoro to fall asleep on/curl up to. :-p someone cuddly and soft.

[shadow-petra]

Bob/Adam/elfprince,

even though it was virtual, I feel better. I have a real stuffed Totoro! but it's probably 1/45 the size of the real one...it doesnt sleep like the real one either...

[human.]

Hey Bob!

So, playing Halo with 12 guys who, for the most part, can't control their emotions when in the super-competitive atmosphere of zombie mode, or whatever it's called, is absolutely hilarious. Especially when, by some random succession of events, you're the last man with a temporary name of "Kitty."

Just thought you should know!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

And so it starts, with regards to the process that is the expunging of my record. Lawyer's office called today with estimates and will be calling back sometime this week. This really just needs to be over.

It is highly likely I'll be volunteering by the end of this week. Just need to fill out the application whenever my mom gets around to printing it out. Naturally, it requires me depending on other people. The pill that is also known as pride is working it's way down my throat and it's not easy going. That truly is the only downfall to any of this situation and basically my entire life for the past 4 years; I want so badly to have the responsibilities, freedom and treatment that a person my age should have/receive, that I had taking care of myself in Tucson, and I'm largely being treated as a mildly-highly independent teenager.

I can go where I want, provided someone takes me or no one needs the car so I can take myself. I can buy what I want, provided it is with the understanding that it will be known/seen/used by people I may not want knowing/seeing/using it. I can make my own schedule, provided it works around the others' wants/needs.

Then there's the frustration of trying to have a routine and it being crippled by forgetfulness or various other avoidable states of being due to my need to store practically everything, down to healthy snacks and soaps, in my room so that it's there when I want/need it. The sanity is only being kept in tact by repeating to myself that my brother says he'll be out by May and that will award me a bit more of the freedom I've wanted.

But enough of those frustrations. Volunteering will only help, not hurt, the chances of me getting that job.

Getting that job will help me pay off my mom's car and my laptop, which should be doable in a 6 month time frame.

Paying off those debts means I can save and pay rent to my mom again.

Building up a savings account means I can eventually get myself out of this house/city. And that, Bob, is the goal I've been aiming for since I moved back to this hell hole.

If only I could get rid of this overwhelming guilt I have for wanting to leave because it means not being here for my mom...or my dog.

A job will also mean a more structured routine which will make for a happier Alea.




This, Bob, is almost all I think about, to a frustrating degree. For hours and days now, when I'm not thinking of that other set of stuff, that's what has kept my mind busy. Lots of 'if's and hoping and waiting but I'm optimistic. I have to be optimistic. That's leading to good things, though.

[Confessions]

Bob,

I've struggled with a very direct and specific answer to a prayer I was given immediately during the process of praying for nearly two years. It was an answer I did not want, an answer that seemed unfair and an answer that I refused to understand. I've ruminated over that answer every day since, defied it when I could and resigned myself to the rubber band effect each time the defiance ran its course. last night something clicked and I understood why it was so specific with a timeframe and location. If I'm not doing what I'm meant to do, not doing what I desire to do more than anything than I won't get what I want in anything else. That's scary and heartening for some reason. So now it's up to me to follow this passion where it leads and see if that prayer turns out to be true next summer, or just the fevered hopeless imaginings I sometimes think it was.

[locke]

Bob,

I hate taxes. after deductions my effective tax rate was only 15% but then you have another 9% in state taxes another 9% in social security and a bit more in medicare/medicaid and it adds up. ugh. I had to pay this year. and that SUCKS.

[Jayelle]

Bob,

My house has become one of those houses overrun with Cheerios.

-frazzled Mom.

[buckshot]

Bob, I just posted the check to the IRS , I hate to complain but, it feels wrong to pay so much every year. This year I have to pay every quarter,oh joy! Bob you know i'm just crying , Living in America, priceless!

[Confessions]

Bob,

I don't think I know what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. I've never seen one. I don't know what it looks like to not be selfish, or to be respectful of a partner, or how to forgive and actually forgive.

How do I do it?

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I'm trying really hard this time, strangely. I'm trying really hard...to be myself? And to be honest with who that is.

I've come to find that my stoner approach to life - wherein I just stop caring so damn much - is really starting to have a positive effect. Wow will you look at that, marijuana has a positive impact on my life. That's good, certainly better than the normal negatives.

My life never ceases to be a source of amusement for me. If nothing else. That's how I look at everything now - with amusement. It's funny laughing at the stupid situations life puts you through, and many people can't see that at the time. I try to look for it.

Even if it does make me Cambot 5000

[elfprince13]

Dear Bob,
On the plus side, I probably grossed about $120 today. On the downside, it was one of those days where I was just waiting all day for something that never came, but which I couldn't quite place either, and so I just felt bleh.
~Me
ps, I forgot how much of a ninja Brother Andrew was until we started reading God's Smuggler again.

[locke]

Bob, stupid work. I hate being leaving late. ugh, tell me about these damn things earlier than ten minutes before I'm set to leave. dammit. an hour gone working out a technical problem.

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

I can't believe this is happening again. Again. I'm so depressed today. That on-the-verge-of-tears feeling that won't disappear. Anxious, depressed, hopeless, guilty. Hypocritical.

Oh, good. Tears. Finally.

I'm so afraid of moving forward, I just feel frozen when I think of doing things that might help because I'm sure they won't help enough.

I've screwed up big time, and I want out.

This is fixable. I will fix this. But not without a lot more effort than I've been putting in, and I'm very afraid I'm incapable of giving the kind of effort required of me. Not that I don't want to do it, not that I just have been too lazy to do it, but that I actually, when it comes right down to it, won't be able to do it.

[Confessions]

Dear Bob,

I can't believe this is happening again. Again. I'm so depressed today. That on-the-verge-of-tears feeling that won't disappear. Anxious, depressed, hopeless, guilty. Hypocritical.

Oh, good. Tears. Finally.

I'm so afraid of moving forward, I just feel frozen when I think of doing things that might help because I'm sure they won't help enough.

I've screwed up big time, and I want out.

This is fixable. I will fix this. But not without a lot more effort than I've been putting in, and I'm very afraid I'm incapable of giving the kind of effort required of me. Not that I don't want to do it, not that I just have been too lazy to do it, but that I actually, when it comes right down to it, won't be able to do it.

seconded. mostly.

[Young Val]

Bob,

I don't think I know what it looks like to be in a healthy relationship. I've never seen one. I don't know what it looks like to not be selfish, or to be respectful of a partner, or how to forgive and actually forgive.

How do I do it?

I know Bob is not for replies, but I identified with this so so strongly that I couldn't help but respond.

That could have been me a year and a half ago. That WAS me a year and a half ago.

My parents did not have a healthy relationship when I was growing up; their marriage ended when I was 14 years old. Most of the adults I knew were also divorced or in equally unhealthy relationships. I threw myself into a series of bad relationships, each one getting longer and unhealthier than the last.

I didn't even know that the relationships I was so dependent on were unhealthy. I didn't understand that I was being emotionally abused and disrespected. I had no other means of comparison. I assumed that all relationships were as destructive as my own and the ones I had witnessed.

I was wrong.

Healthy relationships are not perfect. They are not faultless. But they are also definitely not destructive, and they do exist.

As for how to do it, it starts with you. You have to create that relationship with yourself first. You respect yourself. You find strength within yourself. You believe that you deserve to be treated well and you treat yourself well. Believe in and embrace your own worth. Believe that you are capable.

It's scary. And hard. It takes a lot of work and time, and it sounds trite, but it's the truth. And it will happen. You can make it happen.

I know. I did it too.

[Rei]

Bob,

I'm done. I'm done the last paper of my undergraduate degree (assuming I pass the two classes that are on the brink). And wouldn't you know it'd be on Latin phonology. A fitting combination of medieval studies and linguistics, and also historical linguistics which is what first drew me to linguistics at all. Either way, I really hope I pass all my classes. Also, I'm waiting anxiously on the Latin exam results. I really hope I passed at least the MA level. We'll find out Monday, I guess.

Rei

[Wind Swept]

Hey Bob,

I had a dream last night that I was still an active member of this community. It also involved several nondescript Pwebbers hanging out in my old high school gym. Odd.

I do rather miss you guys, from time to time.

[Luet]

I know Bob is not for replies, but I identified with this so so strongly that I couldn't help but respond.

I just wanted to say that I don't think there is anything wrong with responding to bob posts as long as the response is supportive. Unless someone specifically asks that no one responds, that is. At least that's my take on it. Your response was more than supportive, Kel. It was thoughtful and eloquent.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

She's here. Introduced her to what's left of my immediate family, who insisted on showing her all the embarrassing pictures... Why did I bring her out here again? Oh yeah, I remember...

I am so scared of this relationship. I mean, we're only 3 months in, but the truth is that it's becoming a normal relationship (as opposed to a "new, honeymoon stage" relationship) and every time I'm not completely thrilled, or completely happy with what's going on... I'm scared. I'm scared of repeating my past. I'm scared of ending up miserable within myself again, but so dependent upon her and that relationship for my happiness that I never realize it, never get out.

If it wasn't for 'her,' I would've never gotten out, and I don't know if I would've made it through. As much as I miss her still, I don't want to go back there again. I'm scared of repeating past mistakes.

--Cam

[Rei]

Hi Bob,

I don't feel so great.

~Rei

[starlooker]

Dear Bob:

Things to remember:

Paperwork does matter to some people. Finish it in a timely manner.

I am NOT looking forward to 11:00.

[buckshot]

Dear Bob , I'm getting hot and bent and thought we should talk. It seems winter took longer than ever to finish it's wrath, and I have never been so behind in my regular work. I hired the 2 extra skid lids from last year but i'm spending too much time keeping them and the feed mill running and product done and delivered on time. In short `Bob' my defective spine is demanding way to much of me and I may be running short of stone. Thanks for listening

[thoughtreader]

Bob,

I hate that I can't forget the past.....

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

I'm too lonely, and too shy, for my own good.

Damn.

~BdM

[shadow-petra]

Bob,

I'm back at the dorms after a 4 day weekend. I'm dreading the night...I don't think i'll be able to sleep. There's just something about the way my room faces within the city that carries the noise. Not to mention it takes my roommates 10 snoozes to finally wake up. Oh boy. Wish me luck

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Expect to hear nothing new from me, okay? I just want you to have no expectations of novelty after this point.



A cover of a Bonnie Rait song, the only Bonnie Rait song I think I even know, is playing in the background as I type this. I'm in double digits for number of times I've played it today. My mom played it a lot throughout the divorce.

I listen to it because it, along with one or two other songs, is the only thing tapping into this place in me, these feelings in me, that I have been struggling to put into words.

"Turn down these voices inside my head..."

Why can't things ever be simple? I ask because my head and my heart are each in two different places, where each organ is pushing and pulling against themselves...figuratively speaking, of course.

Paralyzation from confusion is one of the worst things I think a person can go through. It has been known to cause (quite literal) headaches.

(Listen number 5 since starting this post.)

Today is the last of my unpleasant one year markers. Unfortunately, my lawyer is dragging her feet and I will not be able to keep this mess within the one year the way I hoped I'd be able to.

Give me movies that most people here would love to point out are god-awful for whatever reason they deem them so. My boys, of the falling out variety, have this to add: "They say your head can be a prison, Then these are just conjugal visits." Sweet distractions, present yourselves. Books naturally lead to thinking; I haven't finished one in weeks, I'm sure. No, no, give me movies. Give me a story to follow with my eyes and my ears and my brain and my heart. While we're at it, give me a story that will make me laugh. The more parts of me that are required, the better.

(Probably on listen number 10 or so since starting this post.)

I was supposed to be in bed minutes ago. When I finish this, I'll be considerably more behind schedule.


I can't shake the feeling that I'm right about...oh, what's a good code name? "So-and-so" should do the trick. I've never been wrong before when I've had this feeling but you know what they say, I suppose. There's a first for everything. But even with just about every sign pointing to the most obvious conclusion, me being wrong, I'm being stubborn and hopelessly hopeful. Pathetic? Check. Idiotic? Check. Painful? Check.

My mom has been surprised at me lately; I've been going into her room and curling up against her when she's watching TV. For the same reason I've been smothering my nephews when they're around, if only I knew exactly what that reason is.


I've stopped looking forward to being awake for 16 hours a day.

The second worst thing I'm sure a person can go through, after the paralyzation, is frustration from happiness.

My optimism, my confidence that things will work out has carried me thus far and it is still in me, pushing me forward (and straight into a wall, not knowing if there is an edge nearby I can slip around in due time). There are ways in which I am happy, right here and now, and they're being held back from fulfilling their potential because I am being held back.

Hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. *sigh*

And I need to cut this stupid, pointless rambling now because I'm ~45 late for bed. I didn't even get started in here and I wish I were kidding.

Later, Bob.


ETA: I ended up writing this in a PM after I'd had some sleep, instead of writing here at the end of a day, when I had plenty of time to let frustrations build up, so maybe this will make a little more sense:

There's obvious stuff [bothering me] but at the root of it all, it's the same sort of restlessness and dissatisfaction I've felt for years. It's as if I've been playing this continual game of "Man, in [X amount of] years, I'll be able to live my own life, free of my family, whom I love but are holding me back, and free of [personal issue of the moment], that is holding me back." Or as I like to call it, the Waiting and Blame Game.

But even that doesn't feel like the whole of the problem and I can't, for the life of me, zero in on it because I'm feeling really good about things in a way and simultaneously completely miserable in another.

I just want to find work so I can get out of my own head for a few hours every day and focus on someone/something else for a change. I'm sort of sick of me at the moment, ya know? Not to mention how nice it'll be to start getting myself out of debt and working towards...something. Maybe that's the problem and I'm aware of it without realizing it, I don't know. I don't know what I want in the long run. I've been so focused on just getting a job to get out of the here and now that once I'm ready to make the next step after all this, where do I go from there? Just keep going through the motions and let life take its course? Teaching was the only thing keeping me sane while I was here and that was in part because it kept me busy 60-70 hours a week. Otherwise, I've had a pretty unhappy time in this place and I'm scared that'll be true of anywhere I go.