Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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starlooker
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Postby starlooker » Fri Nov 07, 2008 2:32 pm

Dear Bob,

Despite my ambivalence about group therapy, it is something of a consolation when the nursing students afterwards (particularly after a rather difficult group) are in awe of me and appear to think that I am God and have a revelation that "I could never do what you do."

Because, no, generally, they couldn't. (I've developed something of a prejudice against nurses over the past few months.)

Of course, I protest the students' statements. And I am truthful with them about my anxiety, I try to answer questions honestly. But, well, group is sometimes kind of a thankless task. I don't get much support from the staff here for it. And, also, not to mention that psychiatric nurses in general appear to be 100% certain that they could all do better jobs than psychologists/psychiatrists/social workers/etc. So, it's nice to think that these students might have more of an appreciation for the process thanks to this experience. And it makes me view it in a different light. I enjoy it more.

Basically, I am human and I like having my ego stroked and I'm feeling a distinct lack of that lately.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Jayelle » Fri Nov 07, 2008 4:17 pm

*strokes Kirsten's ego*
One Duck to rule them all.
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It needs to be about 20% cooler.

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Postby starlooker » Fri Nov 07, 2008 7:51 pm

*purrs contentedly* much better. Thank you, Jan.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Wil
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Postby Wil » Sat Nov 08, 2008 4:02 am

Things that have happened in the last ~two years (two months off) and 500 posts of my stay at pweb.

- I met one of the most amazing girls of my life yet.
- I made a friend whom I enjoyed speaking with immensely who I confided in quite a bit who eventually stopped talking to me.
- I completed my second "semi-mester" or college.
- I had feelings for someone that I never knew existed.
- I hurt and was hurt by the most amazing girl of my life yet and we stopped talking.
- I started an actual semester of college.
- I found out that my mother had lung cancer and was told that she had a year to live.
- I had nobody to talk to when I needed someone to talk to most.
- I learned what it was like to be truly depressed.
- I did my first truly thoughtful gift to said amazing girl and then regretted it later on.
- I moved to a new home because my mother thought she was dying.
- I learned how to splice and "cap" CAT-5e cable.
- I still managed to graduate with a 4.0 GPA for the semester.
- I spent many months driving my mother to radiation and chemo.
- I moved back to my old home when my mother found out she wouldn't die.
- I built my first computer from scratch.
- I made my first complete "game" in C++.
- I started my second full semester of college.
- I found out that my mothers lung cancer moved to her kidney and her kidney was removed.
- I found out that my mothers lung cancer that moved to her kidney moved to her back muscle wall also.
- I realized that at some point I finally stopped caring about said amazing girl.
- I realized that at some point through all of this I grew up by having to talk to doctors and nurses and receptionists and renters and handle a large majority of the "business" that needed to be done.

Sadly, I don't feel like I've done much, and I don't feel any different than I did before. In fact, I feel worse in that now I feel calloused to pain and emotion whereas before I was more perceptive to it... more hopeful. I think it has made me in to even more of an ass than I ever have been before.

I don't even care if the majority of these 500 posts I made all seem like melodramatic bullshit... they all meant something to me at one point or another. When I was feeling horrible, when I realized that nobody cared to ask me how I was doing or that I felt wanted to listen to how my day went, I just poured it here. When it was late at night and my brain was working on overdrive to make me feel even worse, I wrote until I got it all out and felt some semblance of relief. You know what? It helped. Even if now they make me cringe and regret and realize how stupid I sounded -- still sound -- at least for that one moment I didn't feel so awful. Even if what I wrote ended up hurting that amazing girl and continued to toss any hope of further relations with her out the window... it helped. I might feel horrible about it now, but I know that it helped me to feel better by perhaps shifting some of that pain to someone else. Even this now feels kind of dumb, but hey, it's 2am and it's about the time I start doing dumb(er) things!

Here is to another... two years and 500 posts of probable s***! Hopefully not, of course, but how would I ever make this "Munchausens by Internet" complete if not by making it even more dramatic? Or, perhaps, I should just leave mysteriously now and never return. Wouldn't that work even better? Hmm...

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Postby Gravity Defier » Sat Nov 08, 2008 4:12 am

Wil:
That's a hard time, to put it mildly. From the bottom of my bleeding (liberal) heart, I'm sorry you've had to and continue to go through these things.
wanted to listen to how my day went
Isn't that amazing, when you have someone who genuinely wants to know about your every day, stupid little occurrences and events and it's someone you want to be interested in it?
Or, perhaps, I should just leave mysteriously now and never return.
Heya, Wil? Shut up! You're stuck here, so don't bother with that leaving crap. :) Even if you think no one else wants you around, I like having you (most of the time :P).
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby zeroguy » Sat Nov 08, 2008 4:36 am

When I was feeling horrible, when I realized that nobody cared to ask me how I was doing or that I felt wanted to listen to how my day went, I just poured it here. When it was late at night and my brain was working on overdrive to make me feel even worse, I wrote until I got it all out and felt some semblance of relief. You know what? It helped. Even if now they make me cringe and regret and realize how stupid I sounded -- still sound -- at least for that one moment I didn't feel so awful. Even if what I wrote ended up hurting that amazing girl and continued to toss any hope of further relations with her out the window... it helped. I might feel horrible about it now, but I know that it helped me to feel better by perhaps shifting some of that pain to someone else. Even this now feels kind of dumb, but hey, it's 2am and it's about the time I start doing dumb(er) things!
This block of text.... I don't know how to put it. This demonstrates... in my mind, the reason communities like this should exist. What makes it home, in a way. Or to put it another way, I've never seen such a good description of why this place is a good place to be. (Not he only reason, but it's a big one.)

Oh, and
- I learned how to splice and "cap" CAT-5e cable.
I just wanna say that I love cable crimpers. I don't know why; they're just cool.
Proud member of the Canadian Alliance.

dgf hhw

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Postby Eddie Pinz » Sat Nov 08, 2008 4:51 am

Wil,

A lot of people have felt that way about Pweb. I used to feel the same way. During high school, I don't know how I would have gotten through life without venting on here and making friends. And you may not feel connected to many people on the forum (or maybe you do...I don't know), but everyone reads what you write. And everyone listens to how your day went, even if you don't think we do. We may not respond (for whatever reason), but we read what you write. With 500 posts or 1 post, you become part of this family. And even though we might not always agree with each other. We will always listen.

(I know we shouldn't respond to Bob posts, but I felt this was needed)

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Postby locke » Sat Nov 08, 2008 5:22 am

Wil I'm glad you're here, and I've seen a lot of myself in your posts, particularly the ones about meeting the most amazing girl of your life.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Wind Swept » Sat Nov 08, 2008 10:27 am

Hey Bob,

I met this girl a week ago. ... I have no words for how happy I am.

Chris
"Roland was staring at Tiffany, so nonplussed he was nearly minused."

*Philoticweb.net = Phoebe

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Postby Wil » Sun Nov 09, 2008 1:38 am

I just wanna say that I love cable crimpers. I don't know why; they're just cool.
Crimp! That's exactly the word I was trying to remember last night! And yes, I agree, there is some superficial form of pleasure derived from crimping cables. 8)

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Postby locke » Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:03 am

Bob,

I'm quite ambivalent about my job. I didn't do everything I needed to do on Friday and wasted about five-six hours of time when I should have been working. so I went in tonight and got about two and a half hours of work done because I want to do the best possible job and have what needs to be done, done. But the question for myself is, why don't I just give the full effort the first time out (friday). urgh. I'm sort of bored, sort of interested, sort of content, sort of restless. Maybe I will start sending out resumes and try to get on a pilot this spring rather than running the full jan-may gauntlet, though I would be missing out on a ton of hours, lots of overtime and the fun part of the show.

Also, bob, I am fed up with not having worked out since I moved here. it is grating at me every day and I would have fixed it if I could only get my sleep habits under control. daylight savings time threw me off completely this week just when I was getting things lined up. Also I'm irresponsible at not going to bed when I should. I'm a night owl and I resent having to sleep and often wonder/bargain with myself if it'd be worth it just to stay up instead. It never is, and as a result I don't get much good sleep ever. :( This would be another good reason to get off the show and off nights.

I've visited a Y and a 24 hour fitness. The 24 hr was too impersonal, too big, and no variety. The Y had almost everything I wanted but an absolute paltry free weight section and all the machines were spread out into several separated rooms, so doing super sets would be out of the question. There's another gym I thought I'd try but I looked it up online and it has nothing but bad reviews. There's another Y to look at, but the Y doesn't feel right. I stumbled upon a Crossfit/Krav Maga gym in culver city, but it's a little further than I would like my gym to be. otoh, it's the first one that's felt absolutely right when I looked at its website and I tried every day this week to get over there to check it out--alas, the aforementioned sleep troubles led to this not happening. I'm hoping it'll be my fit, and if I get off nights I would hope I could learn Krav Maga as it sounds like exactly the sort of martial art that would totally suit me. otoh, even with a new job I would likely still not be able to make it to lessons as it's highly unlikely I won't find an eight hour a day pilots, more likely it'll be a regular 12 hr day, that'd be not as much fun, I don't mind the nine and ten hour days so much, but I do like being able to do things in the evening on weeknights when I'm not at work. I almost wouldn't know what to do with a weeknight if I got one anymore.

Also I need to get a rug for my room. I hate hardwood floors, and they're worse in the winter, unfortunately a nice rug that's 8x10-10x12 (the dimension I need for my bedroom) is expensive, damn near the cost of a bed! grumble grumble, I suppose it is a lifetime purchase, but still... I shouldn't have bought the damn camera, but I also should have cause I don't buy something big like that for me very often.. :P

crap, I also need to do christmas shopping, still haven't figured out my brother or dad yet and am waffling on what to get my mom. :/
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby VelvetElvis » Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:43 pm

Dear Bob,

My boyfriend gave me his journal to read the other day, so that I would know some of the things he's "been thinking about." He's done this a couple times before, and it's not really a big deal. This time, Bob, one of the entries was about me. There are others about me, but this was about me, in a bad way. He says I always have to be right (I do like to be right), and that I tell him he is always wrong. I also never compliment him, never do nice things for him, and have a 666 tatoo on my skull. (Ok, so I made up that last part.) He continues saying that if I weren't so physically comfortable (in a completely chaste way, bob) that he doesn't know if he could stand to be around me. He also doesn't know why he "even bothers", and at one point referred to me as a boa constrictor. The next entry was addressed to me about an hour later saying he had calmed down, loved me very much, and hoped I wasn't too upset about the previous entry. He thought it would be best to share his feelings "honestly."

I was upset, to say the least. Now, Bob, I try to keep my private life private. This means that things going on between Mr. Boyfriend and I stay between us. This is very hard to do since our bestfriends are dating each other. This time I was too hurt, and just needed my Kelly. I told her a few of the things he had said, and apparently she told her boyfriend, who (surprisingly tactfully) demanded of Mr. Boyfriend to know what was going on between us. Mr. Boyfriend showed him the journal, and her boyfriend told him it was "harsh".

So Mr. Boyfriend asks me to stop by his place on my way home from the dorms on friday, and I do, because I'm rising above. I'm not going to be mad at him. We haven't even talked about it. So I was laying on his bed and he was showing me something at his computer and he says "You don't seem to be yourself, what's wrong?" I said that nothing was wrong (Yes, Bob, I know that makes me a lying lieface, but I know you won't judge me.) He comes over and sits beside me and says "I'm sorry that I wrote some of those things in the journal, but you know how cranky and overractive, I am." (Have I mentioned yet that this was sparked over speculation about which rural town was bigger?) I said, "*boyfriend*, you called me a snake. That was mean spirited." His reply? "You know how overreactive I can be." Several moments later: "I love you." Me: "I love you, too." And it's true, I do still love him, but I don't believe he's sorry. I think he's just trying to appease me.

Here's the thing, Bob. It was a journal entry, I have no right to control his thoughts. That means I can't be upset with him for being honest with me.

Even if it weren't for that, I love him, and I don't want to be upset. with him. I'm rising above. I'm not letting it bother me. I'm still bringing him Oreo Blasts from Sonic, still singing cheesy songs to him, still smiling when he texts me goodnight. I'm rising above.

But when I'm sitting down by myself, when I'm sitting next to him watching the Titans game, and even when I'm dressing a wound or setting and IV pump, I think about it. I can hear his voice saying the things he wrote in the journal. I feel sick and hollow in my stomach.
Am I being overreactive, Bob? Should I tell him how it hurt me? Would that make me a horrible person for violating journaled thoughts? Should I just keep trying to keep going like it never happened?

-Helen


Bob, thank you for caring about my silly girlthoughts even when they ramble.
Yay, I'm a llama again!

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Postby shadow_8818 » Sun Nov 09, 2008 11:23 pm

Dear Bob
I am pissed off I just spent my entire summer working like everyday at a place that paid crap. Then I had to return to school and was forced to stay with my parents to stay in school then they expect me to keep a 4.0 with a new job that takes all my time and I just can't focus. Life to seems to be all work and no fun. If this is what life is all about then i kinda don't see whats so great about life :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!:
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Postby Gravity Defier » Mon Nov 10, 2008 6:30 am

Bob,

I've been wondering as of late, if what happened to Ender in CotM could happen, at what point in my life would I have turned to dust from lack of interest in my own life? More to the point, I keep wondering if it would have happened sometime in the past 7 months. God. Seven months. There are no words.

But I keep coming back to the same acknowledgment: frustration, dissatisfaction, discontent...these are not the same as detachment or emptiness. No, they point to the fact that I care enough to be put out by the sometimes nightmarish reality that has been my existence of various points in time. I am deeply interested in my continued existence, as there are many things I'd like to do before I follow in Ender's footsteps.

I was looking at my brother's arms the other day. I mostly feel guilty when I do, I know how self-conscious he is about them, so I was doing my best to sneak peeks when I thought he wouldn't notice. Some of the old (I hope they're old) injection spots seem to be opening; sometimes he asks me for Band-aids, that I'm convinced are too small to be effective, to cover them when they bleed. When I look at his arms, Bob, I think of a quote from A Bronx Tale: The saddest thing in life is wasted talent. That is what the scarring -you'd think they were bruises- says to me.

My second oldest brother is in Phoenix, staying in my dad's apartment, actually, at least for a few more weeks; the lease there is up at the end of the month. His lease ended a month ago and unlike me, he could afford to pay for utilities with my dad paying for the rent. I didn't enjoy the isolation I felt up there, but I've come to realize how isolated I've made myself here, trying to play it safe and staying under the radar until next April 21, and I envy him for being there.

Speaking of my dad, he got rid of his cell phone. He was supposed to e-mail his home number a few days ago but hasn't. I have his work number, but he is not often in the office, being a regional supervisor, because that entails traveling the whole county over some weeks. He is, for all intents and purposes, unreachable. I haven't seen him since the 5K and I haven't spoken to him since before I realized I was not getting that job. I've been too embarrassed to call him; to say what, I messed up somehow?

I feel like a broken record, and that of a terribly unpopular or at least largely misunderstood song. It doesn't help that things are so complicated, and half the times when I say things, I can't get specific or exact enough about what I mean, leaving those who surround me scratching their heads and unsure of how to approach.

"How have you been?"
Or variants of this question: How's life? What have you been up to? How are you? My heart drops when I see or hear this question from most people. I say most because there is a small, select group of people who I want to care enough to ask; a good portion of them are the people I have to chase down for attention and not all are so willing to let me catch them (why is it I focus so much on the ones who don't want to be around me when there are good, supportive people who I can't get myself to give the time of day? I'm repulsive sometimes)...but how do I explain this without causing offense to those who don't fall into that group?

But back to the point. I never know how to graciously answer that question when it's the wrong person asking. I want to resort to heavy sarcasm, thinly veiled annoyance, or full out anger. But it's not fair to react that way to a well-intended question. Here's the answer, Bob, as plain as I can make it, and the way it has been for months now:

I have been both well and unwell. Neither my happiness nor my sorrow, if you'll allow me to call it that, is permanent. I often experience moments of both each day, in fact. For all of my impatience, my optimism does not seem to be dimming as rapidly as it may seem it should be doing so. But I recognize that I can't live for much longer on the hopes of a better tomorrow. Eventually, I will run out of optimism. As to real specifics, I have been doing the same activities: job searches!!!, reading, walking my dog, watching movies, hanging out with friends on occasion...you know, living, and trying to do it well within my means.

There are some, and it's almost guaranteed they'll all be the wrong people, who will keep asking. Maybe they're trying to be optimistic alongside me and figure if they keep asking, change will come. (Field of Dreams, 'If you build it, he will come' moment anyone?) Maybe they're trying to make simple conversation and don't really want an answer. It doesn't matter. It makes my heart drop, all the same, to hear it.

Equally frustrating as that question is the fact that I am so reluctant to cut myself a break. A very large part of my...heart? Soul? Conscious self? A very large part of what makes me me believed the school district when they said they'd make legal trouble for me if I interacted with any employees or former/current students of the district. My lawyer assured me they have no legal grounds but you know, why push my luck and call their bluff? So I do not leave my house unless I am either with or leaving to be with another adult.

I don't walk around my neighborhood, not even to walk my dog, without a chaperone. I definitely don't go to stores or anywhere public without one. It's a good thing, too, since I'm playing it safe. I have run into many people who would fall into the category of district employee or former/current student. They all look at me, possibly hoping for some recognition because they don't turn away. I have to walk by, as though I don't know who they are.

Because of this reluctance to go/be anywhere without adult company, because of my brother keeping such strange hours, because I'm weak willed without support and encouragement, and because I don't like being scolded on the trails around my neighborhood, my options for running have dried up. My mom doesn't run and won't try, same with my brother, and I have virtually no access to the treadmill with him living here. That's right, Bob, I haven't been running. Chalk it up to yet another way in which I fail. I worked so hard, too; it breaks my heart that I can't be a stronger, better person.

I yearn for a person to say these things to but I can't bring myself to fully trust anyone. The few who I'd turn to I can't tell for one reason or another: they're happy and I don't want to bring them down, they're unhappy and I don't want to add to it, they're kind enough to me but I don't mean nearly as much to them as they do to me and being reminded of that hurts enough to undo any relief to be had by pouring my heart out to them. And so it goes, month by month, that wall of mine gets higher, thicker.

That also means that, aside from the bigger issues running through my mind all day, the smaller, inconsequential things often go left unsaid. (Does it scare you, Bob, that this post isn't over yet?)

I find my daily pleasure most often in my dog walks at night. The weather is gorgeous; it feels like love, it smells of fires in a fireplace, it makes me feel light on my feet, carefree even...but no words I try to assign to the feelings that arise in me will do them justice. It just feels good to be outside, breathing in the air, moving through space underneath the beauty that is the night sky, feeling the tingle in my nose and hands as they are taken over by -what constitutes around these parts as- the cold.

There is also excitement to be felt over the whistle of my tea kettle, over the anticipation of whipping out my gloves, over the happy place that is a warm bed and soft blanket in a cold house, over the giddy dork fantasy of eventually getting a scarf and a turtleneck to complete the image I have of an ideal winter outfit, in the coming of Christmas - something that I see neither as a religious celebration nor a consumer holiday, but rather as a celebration of the winter season itself.

Why is there no Jane (though, to be honest, I'd prefer a 'John' over a 'Jane') out there for me to share these moments with?

I know I'd appreciate having one when I lay down for the night. That is undoubtedly the hardest part of any given day, though I think it has everything to do with the fact that everything that I've typed out for you here, and more, runs circles in my head every single night. I can never think of things enough, it seems. I repeatedly relive moments, I think of smarter replies and rebuttals to past conversations and arguments, I think ahead, I worry, I fear, I cast blame -mostly against myself, I dare to let myself dream and fantasize.

And in the end, when I fall asleep and dream, it's of things and people I'd rather not dream about. (No, I'm not referring to Pweb dreams; those are soft, tame, pleasant when compared to what I am actually referring to.) I dream of rejection, pain, dependence, solitude, people who've given up on me, people who never gave me a chance. Dreams, ever fascinating yet periodically cruel in their reminders.

Anyhow, Bob. I'm sorry I've blathered on like I have, genuinely I am. It might be a different story if I didn't keep rehashing the same old garbage, but alas, I believe myself to be a broken record.

Good night, Bob. (Yes, good night at 5:30 AM *sigh*) Thank you for being my truest confidant.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Rei » Tue Nov 11, 2008 3:18 am

Bob,

I'm starting to wonder if I really do have synesthesia. Whatever it is, it's remarkably close in form.

~Rei
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~Blaise Pascal


私は。。。誰?

Dernhelm

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Postby surditate_vero » Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:15 am

Bob,

I'm starting to wonder if I no longer need sleep, seeing as I stay up until an ungodly hour practically every morning now.

Me
What evil is there in deafness, truly?
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Nov 11, 2008 10:00 am

I'm such a bad influence. Welcome to the dark side.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby BonitoDeMadrid » Tue Nov 11, 2008 3:52 pm

Bob,

I think too much. In fact, I think so much that every sentence I'm about to write to you is immediately run over by my mind, checked for any possible replies to it that make it irrelevant, and if those are found, the sentence will not be written.
For example: I was about to write "I am unhappy with the current situation". My brain immediately found an inconsistency: I like the current situation very much, compared to other possible situations I could be in. True, I may feel unhappy right now, but it shall pass. Thus, I will not post this sentence.

So far, so good. But why do I have to break this law at the most inappropriate times and say really, really stupid things (based on either the current situation, or in general) to the people who are close to me? Dammit.

'Nighty night, Bob. Sleep tight.

-BdM
Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do!
Who leaves Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do!
Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Gutenberg a star?
We do! We do!
Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do, we do!

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Postby Rei » Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:39 pm

Bob,

Can you please make this essay stop? I can't think and I want to eat but I feel so guilty about thinking of taking an hour to make food and I'm terrified that I'm going to fail this no matter what I do...
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


私は。。。誰?

Dernhelm

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locke
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Postby locke » Wed Nov 12, 2008 8:08 pm

Bob, I had a lot of trouble getting to sleep last night, probably didn't drop off until 10 or 10:30 (I was avoiding looking at the clock because that would only aggravate me further and make it harder to sleep)

and I was awoken at 2:30 to hear my roommate singing some damn song (she does karaoke and was practicing I suppose. The annoying thing is that it's a song that is sung ALL THE TIME on idol, and she was no great shake at it either. She can sing, but she's smack dab in the middle of the average-mediocre people who can sing, just sounds like pale karaoke she's over dressing and oversinging to try to impress herself with how big her voice is. Argh. went on for a full five-six minutes because she was singing really loudly. (this is the very dumb roommate who has said, before, "Oh is Adam home?" because I was in my room sleeping during the day. yes. I'm always home, I don't have a girlfriend and I sleep here every night/day as novel as that is dumbass.

Then she broke into another idol song that I've heard far too many times. Gitchee Gitchee Ya Ya or however the hell it goes, thankfully she only did thirty seconds or so of that.

The worst part was that it was so damn disorienting to wake up to that. It probably took me a solid thirty to fortyfive seconds to realize where I was, what I was hearing, who was doing it, and to ascertain whether or not I was at work or why work had followed me home. Ugh.

I really hope she asks me again if she should try out for Idol next year, I'm going to deflate that fucking ego of hers so viciously, surely it makes Simon feel good, right?

bah, I probably won't.

Then I tried to sleep some more because I had an hour til I needed to get up, and it was restless sleep at best, then my alarm starts going off at 3:30 and although I am conscious and aware of needing to get up early today I still cycle through forty-fifty minutes worth of snooze-button because I'm still mad about the damn singing. Then for some odd reason I have a brief five second dream of one of the editors at work telling me he liked what I did (I haven't cut anything yet this year) which made me feel a thousand times better and I promptly popped up got dressed and proceeded to the kitchen to make cookies like I do most wednesdays.

Where the two weeks of dishes confronted me. I pre heated the oven, whipped up the cookie dough and then tried to find my cookie sheets, my roommates had helpfully left one, the older nonstick one on the stove covered in burnt food goo (I'm presuming frozen chicken breast was baked on it) and the other one, I later discovered had been left in the oven, and was now preheated.

Defeated by this, I set the hot pan out to cool and determined there was nothing else I could do but tackle the dishes.

And at least now the dishes are done but I"m seriously considering charging them for the service. it was disgusting, one sing was clogged with food and had filled up with water, the other had mold growing in a glass. the handful of dishes in the mostly empty dishwasher were covered in food residue, which is a nogo on a home dishwasher.

And I'm certain I won't get a word of thanks or acknowledgement for doing the dishes

And I'm 100% definite that the clean dishes will still be in the dishwasher when I get home and fresh dishes will be piled in the sink.

stupid roommates.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Wed Nov 12, 2008 8:18 pm

I loved reading that rant, Adam. Actually, it kind of made me laugh (like a lot. I think because I kind of love Idol and my crazy Idol pick'em game.)



Also, I love the picture of you that you have as your icon. It's great!
-Kim

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Postby Gravity Defier » Thu Nov 13, 2008 4:35 pm

Bob,

I'm going to go take a nap in a few minutes, but first, my day.

At some point after 1am, I decided I should try to sleep (my normal bedtime these days is between 3-6am) since my dad was scheduled to pick me up at 6:45. As it turns out, I was able to fall asleep relatively quickly but good sleep just wasn't meant to be had.

I woke up at 3:30 and couldn't fall asleep again. My alarm went off at 5:52, I snoozed for as long as I could, got up, and got dressed (smart to take care of the showering and ironing the night before, no?).

My dad showed up at 7:20. I was not pleased, as I could have been in bed for a bit longer, at least pretending to sleep. A plus was Step by Step was on and I was reminded the other day of how much I enjoy that show. A minus was his stupid ex-wife was with him and I had to place nice; I tried to ignore her, but that didn't work for long.

We got to our destination, I was put to work and by golly, was I happy as sin to be useful. I kid you not, Bob, more than one person I had just met told me they loved me today. *grin*

Anyway, I just got home a little bit ago and I'm exhausted, but happy. (Uh, just don't read all my posts on Pweb...I've been getting cranky on Pweb lately, while being perfectly happy off Pweb.)
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby Confessions » Fri Nov 14, 2008 12:54 am

Dear Bob,

I just said I was going to die a little death... I haven't heard that phrase in years, probably. Funny that I should hear the euphemism from my own lips...
The password is "guilty"

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Postby Valentine » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:33 am

I threw out my back. Aren't I a little too young to be doing this??

Also, I can't believe I actually saw gas prices read $1.xx again. I'm shocked.

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Postby Yebra » Fri Nov 14, 2008 8:29 am

Dear Bob,

I'm on a train sneezing and coughing. I've become everything I always hated.
Yebra: A cross between a zebra and something that fancied a zebra.

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Postby Luet » Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:28 pm

Also, I can't believe I actually saw gas prices read $1.xx again. I'm shocked.
Wow, they are still $2.40 here. Blah.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby starlooker » Fri Nov 14, 2008 2:47 pm

$1.86 here! It's one of the benefits of having moved. I love the gas prices in this city.

Dear Bob,

I HATE INSURANCE COMPANIES AND INSURANCE AUTHORIZATIONS.

A lot.

And I hate people who care more about looking good on paper than the mission of this place.

And, also, I'm in an oddly good mood despite all this hatred.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Young Val » Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:26 pm

Dear Bob,

I have always known that I wanted to get married and have kids. It's one of many components in the Dream Future I've been cultivating for most of my 26 years. I believe in the biological clock and have been ignoring mine successfully since 2005. I am in love with the person I truly believe will be my partner for the rest of my life, and our recent talks have done nothing but cement that belief. We plan to move in together in 2010, and from there the rest of it will most likely just fall into place. And I'm enjoying the beauty of my life at the moment, that I'm really not in any rush. I'm confident that it will come.

BUT I AM IN NESTING MODE. IT IS GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF CONTROL, OK?
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Valentine » Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:50 pm

Minus the kids - me too, Kelly. I want soooo badly to move in with my boyfriend...to spend every night with him...
To get married, and have a life together..
And it's not even a good idea in my case, lol.
And I am CONSTANTLY fighting myself from thinking it too long, because I do NOT want to get married logically. Damn biological clock.

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Postby daPyr0x » Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:21 pm

Bob,

I got told today of something I found very disturbing. Actually, I basically found out that one of the guys is in the exact same place I was before I went to Ohio. He had a lot of really legitimate concerns and had fallen into the slump that I had. His supervisor yelling and cursing at him, management making promises and not following through on them in a timely manner. All the same s*** I went through. I suddenly feel empowered as "you know what? I'm well respected enough and high enough up in the company now that I can finally put a stop to this. I almost feel like it's my responsibility to do so, as I know so well what it's like to be the group leader in that situation. I feel really good about red flagging it, even though I do feel guilty for getting the other supervisor in s***. But he's been called on this before, and he's even done it to me, and I know that with management the way that it is it won't be stood for, regardless of who he is.

Anyways, enough about work. I come home to be finished work, so I need to get it off my mind.

I've been almost lonely lately. By almost lonely, I really just mean bored. I feel completely trapped living at home with my mom again, having to explain myself and my actions to her rather than just living my life. I've convinced myself that tonight I'm going to one of the "cool kids" bars nearby, in an attempt to stop myself from getting in to the slump I was in before I left. Part of it is I'm lonely, and like the company of a female companion; but I almost feel like I'm ready to meet someone serious now. I'm back in Canada, I think I have a pretty good idea of what I want now. I think it's like....the time. And so I need to get out and start meeting (and hopefully dating) more women. Will I get anywhere tonight? No, probably not. I'll probably sit at the bar, get talking to the random drug dealer who wants to sell me weed like last time, drink my two drinks, and go home. But at least I'm getting out. That's half the battle.

I should just get really drunk and hit on anything with a bra on, but for some strange reason I try to think I have some dignity. Not to mention I like to think I'm good looking enough to do better than that ;-) But I also like to think I'm sexy like a fucking rockstar and if that were true they'd be coming after me... only moreso, and less crazy-like. So it's quite plausible that I'm neither.

I just don't want to go back to the same lifestyle of work, home, videogames, out of town with friends on weekends, etc. I want things to do on weeknights, and things to do that don't require a 30+ min drive.

And right when I get all of this working for me, I'll get moved back to Ohio. Or, it'll take so long I'll be leaving for London already. Either or.

I guess we'll see.

--Cam
Stop trying to be perfect. Focus on being you; perfect will come.
"If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won"
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Postby locke » Sat Nov 15, 2008 1:14 am

confession: I feel sorta ambivalent about having bought Ender in Exile. if it is discovered OSC was a financial supporter of Yes on 8 I'll probably return it and have to think seriously about selling off or giving away my other OSC books. Yeah, seriously. but ignorance is bliss at this point.

ETA, I thought this was in confessions. :P
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Valentine » Sat Nov 15, 2008 3:56 pm

Bob,
The girls from my MBA program are all going out tonight for a girl's night out, and I wasn't invited. I called my friend Susan to see what she was up to, and she let me know. She didn't invite me, though. She actually asked what I had planned, and I told her nothing, that Brandon had a guy's night planned tonight. She was like, "Oh, that's cool." No word about inviting me. I feel insanely left out..

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Postby locke » Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:33 pm

*hugs Val* that is definitely not cool. I didn't get invited to watch the football game at my buddies house today either, and it's annoying me more than I expected. :( I think I will rebel and go see what James Bond is up to and report back here later.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

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Postby Valentine » Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:51 pm

I enjoyed it. Not as great as Casino Royale, but all in all, it was really fun. I like Daniel Craig as James Bond, a lot. :)

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Postby locke » Sun Nov 16, 2008 8:07 am

I enjoyed it. Not as great as Casino Royale, but all in all, it was really fun. I like Daniel Craig as James Bond, a lot. :)
I agree. gonna try to see Slumdog Millionaire tonight.
So, Lone Star, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.


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