Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I have a faint, distant but visceral memory of how it felt to wring words from my heart and watch them puddle up all around me.

I miss the catharsis that comes with completely unguarded writing. I don't know why I feel so precious about it lately; I'm conversing less and less and writing less and less (in any and all forms) and I just can't seem to find that emotional release that I've taken for granted all these years.

I tried to beg off, tried to insist that my happiness had usurped my ability to write well about my life, that perhaps there was less to write about now that I was happy--but I think I'm making excuses. I am happy--infectiously so--but I've been happy before and still been able to write--even if only about the frivolity of my happiness.

It takes health and happiness to throw into sharp relief how very UNhealthy and UNhappy I've been for the majority of the last five years. It's been a twisting, serpent-like kind of unhappiness. Sly and seductive. I hardly even knew how unhappy I was. Having emerged from it now, and being in a position to look back and understand what it was that happened to me is--on the one hand--an intellectual and emotional release.

On the other hand...

I feel like now that I've acknowledged it all, it's time to begin to process it. To learn how to fit it into my life and who I am now, to learn how to fold it up and put it away and engage myself wholeheartedly with the next phase of my life.

But this is proving insanely difficult.

It was bad enough to have to live it through the first time, in the haze of denial and willful misinterpretation, to deal with the raw emotions of hurt and heartbreak without ever understanding how things came to be that way.

Hindsight is always 20/20 and now that I can see, very clearly, all the twists and turns that brought me here, it does not make the pain of it any less. In fact, my understanding of exactly HOW BAD THINGS WERE and how very fortunate I am to have escaped with as much of myself in tact as I did makes the pain even more terrifying to bear, because now I know exactly how precarious my situation was--something I was blind to in the moment.

I don't want to feel this way. So what if I had an emotionally abusive boyfriend and a sexually abusive step-father and back-stabbing friends and a whole host of other s***** problems in between? That's all OVER. I have cut down my social circles drastically and now only hang out with and confide in people I truly and genuinely know well and trust with all my heart. I have long since severed all ties with Henry, and I never see my step-father. I am involved in a truly amazing, MUTUALLY-loving relationship with a man who is my equal, and whom I love so very much.

SO WHY CAN'T I JUST LET IT ALL GO?

I'm so angry and resentful and sullen when I'm alone. I don't trust more than five people in my entire life and of the five there are still two I don't trust completely. I am constantly on edge waiting, waiting to be hurt or betrayed or whatever.

It's exhausting and I want to let it go. I want to be able to write in my livejournal again without filtering every entry and editing it 17 times before posting. I want to write in here again. I want to feel safe--emotionally and physically--and to be able to let my guard down again.

I'm always so wary, and so hesitant now. And I'm finally HAPPY, damnit! I want to be able to enjoy it! I've worked so hard for all of this--I had NOTHING when I came here but a tolerance for a lot of abuse. I now have a fulfilling career, a lovely apartment, and a healthy joyous relationship. I just want a chance to relax and be proud of all I've done.

I'm sick of constantly thinking about all the people who've ignored me.

And I'm sick, sick, SICK of being unable to write.



I'm clicking submit against my better judgment.

[Eaquae Legit]

Bob, I don't feel well. I hate big parties. I wish Beth had been there. I wish I'd left when Laura did. Large crowds of people I don't trust are exhausting.

[Rei]

Bob,

I'm tired of being so stressed all the time.

~Rei

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

What does it take to be happy? What do I need in my life to not feel the hole, the scar, that she left behind?

What am I chasing in my life? What SHOULD I be chasing? What's it going to take to finally feel...satisfied? Successful? Back then I was so content with how things were that nothing else really mattered. I KNOW I can make due with any situation I get myself in to - as I have my entire life. Back then, that was enough.

See, and here's the thing. I'm going to stop right there because I know full well that it WASN'T. I KNOW that back then I was depressed, as much as I want to glorify that I'm only lying to myself. It's like no matter what is going on in my life, there's SOMETHING that's gnawing at me. My job is going relatively well as of late, so I'm lonely. I get a girl who's interested in me, and I shove her away because I'm not interested in her.

Maybe one day I'll find a girl that interests me who's interested in me. Maybe she won't be crazy like Jenna. But then I'll find something else I can bitch about.

I don't even know what long-term, or overall, happiness feels like. I was content when I was with her, that I do remember. I didn't miss the pot I didn't smoke, didn't stare down the bottle in the corner. But I also know how I got when I came home.

I just want to be happy. Every day. I don't want to dread the morning, sleeping for 14 hours purely because I don't want to deal with myself while I sit at home waiting for work to start. The pills helped nothing. The pot does, but I can only smoke so much pot given that I can't (or won't, whatever) mix it with work for obvious reasons.

I want summer to be here. I want to go out in a tshirt and bask in the sunlight. I want to sit out in my backyard with a cold beer. I want friends to come over. I want to HAVE friends to come over.

Bob, just make me happy? Somehow?

[Luet]

n fact, my understanding of exactly HOW BAD THINGS WERE and how very fortunate I am to have escaped with as much of myself in tact as I did makes the pain even more terrifying to bear, because now I know exactly how precarious my situation was--something I was blind to in the moment.

I am constantly on edge waiting, waiting to be hurt or betrayed or whatever.

It's exhausting and I want to let it go...I want to feel safe--emotionally and physically--and to be able to let my guard down again.

I'm sick of constantly thinking about all the people who've ignored me.

I'm clicking submit against my better judgment.

To all that...I hear ya, hun. And thank you SO much for clicking submit. *HUGS*

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I don't feel so good. Emotionally, I mean. I've been very depressed today. Skipping class.

He can't move with me. He just -- can't. If I were still living here next year and he brought it up, I'd feel like I wasn't ready. So what on earth makes me think that moving away from all my social support and all the systems I have in place to take care of myself will make me MORE ready? I don't feel like I know him well enough, and something just feels wrong, and the closer it gets the more insistant this trapped feeling inside of me grows. Last week I'd placated it, but this week it's back and I can't imagine that it will go away.

So. How do I explain this to him?

[VelvetElvis]

Dear bob,

I totally got into upper division! I. GOT. IN!

[Petra456]

Bob,

I lied to my best friend today.

I hope this all works out in the end.

- me

[thatguy1944]

Dear everyone!!!

I performed in my schools crappy talent show!! it was freakin awesome!! i sang!! I had some friends play for me and we played a medley of 3 songs...

most of blister in the sun by the violent femmes

a cut down version of 25 minutes to go by johnny cash ( written by shel silverstein, mind you...)

and we ended with the chorus of daytripper by the beatles.

I love being on stage!! but this time i really felt like i was going to throw up... but all was well!!!

*squeal!!!*

Thatguy1944

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I need to grab hold of something soon. I went back and read all of these old posts on here and livejournal and in my many paper journals. I'm trying to recapture a sense of something I feel I've lost.

I want to be able to walk through Central Park this summer with my head up. I think I could really make something of this year if only I am willing to accept my own happiness.

Sometimes I wish I could take some time off and vanish inside of myself. Travel a bit and be alone. I think I'd come back better for it. I'd be a better friend to those around me. But maybe I only think that because it's been so long since I had this much going for me. I haven't had anything to lose in such a long time.

I can feel the changes. I think I'm finally ready for them. I'm beginning to believe I'm worth it. Does joy always at first feel so iridescently like a soap bubble?

Any moment I could pop.

I just don't know what will happen if I do.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I have a pair of black dress flats on today. I liked them a lot in the store. I didn't really give them a lot of consideration or walk around in them much before I bought them, though. I figured, my size, no heels, should be perfect. Today is the first day wearing them in public, and I am slowly, torturously coming to the realization that these are shoes that I simply can not wear.

I have a history with shoes. I do not mind being uncomfortable in them. If I like the shoe well enough, depsite discomfort, I wear it until either the shoe conforms to my foot or my foot conforms to the shoe. I've suffered blisters, scars, and cramps on account of my relatively cheap footwear.

But these shoes. I have a pair of khaki pants that aren't the "tall" kind, and I really need flats to wear with them. I really want to have black, dressy, cute flat shoes. But the more I wear them, the more I realize my feet just can't handle the process of learning to conform to them. A few blisters will not make this work. It's not a matter of learning to live with the pain until it ends. It's a matter of deciding that, while these shoes might be good for an occasional hour here or there, they are not shoes that I can live with.

It does not make me a bad person for buying the shoes. It does not mean I set out to hurt them or get rid of them. Perhaps I should have shopped more wisely, true, but I am not to blame for thinking they had the signs that they could work, or even the hope or optimism that the conforming process could happen early on in wearing these damn shoes. I should not feel guilty for relegating them to the back of the closet. Because no matter how much I try, my feet aren't going to adapt to these shoes, nor these shoes to my feet. And that's okay. I'll live without them. Or maybe find another pair. Or maybe wear the shoes I like (with heels) with the tall-size pants I like and forget about trying to be the person who can wear average pants with flats all together.

Also, it might help in general if I keep this principle in mind when shopping for shoes to begin with. Why DO I believe it's okay to hurt so much in making my relationships work with shoes, anyways? Why do I believe the only shoes I should have are the cheap ones?

In conclusion, I feel a lot better about deciding to break up with my boyfriend due to a metaphorical revelation I had while walking down the hallway in shoes I love that hurt like hell.

Now I just have to do it.

[EDIT]

So, I've resolved to wear these damn shoes until I make some sort of effort to talk to him.

I have a feeling this may speed the process up by days, if not weeks.

[Luet]

Wow...that was deep. You are really brave for making such a tough decision (about the boyfriend, not the shoes). I really hope it goes well.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

Bob,

The day went well. I played well in Sports class and in Basketball practice. The show was amazing, even though I've already seen it.
And to top this good day...


...my favorite team lost. Again. To the weakest team in the league.

Why do I deserve this? What do I do wrong?

Also, to may (massive) dismay, the hottest girl in my grade apparantly hates me. And I don't know why; We barely talked, I never did anything bad to her. I'm nice and quiet and friendly and helpful and anything.
So why do I deserve this from her?

-BDM

P.S.: I F*****G HATE SCHOOL. It's hard, we've got a TON of work to do in all different classes until the Passover vacation- which has been shorted to 1 week! Dammit!- and it just feels sucky. I don't even know why I'm going there anymore.

P.S.2: I also begin to hate the teenage girl race. They're awfully annoying, noisy, mean and whatnot. And because I'm too quiet, I don't really connect well with them.

[Wil]

Dear Bon,

Yeah... I agree about the teenage girl race. I could probably throw in a couple more choice words, but I'll abstain. Just five more months and I'm out of this cursed grouping of age, thank the Gods... >.>

Wil

[Popcornbaby]

Hi Bob,
I just wanted to check in and say hello. I was invited to a Pweb chat last night, and was sorry that I wasn't able to stay around to talk.

I hope everyone's doing well, or atleast doing their best to take care of themselves. I know that I was never very close to anyone here, but I look back on Pweb with fond memories. Hopefully, in the future I'll be less neglectful.

All the best,
Andrea

[Jayelle]

Hey, I remember you!

[Luet]

I don't even celebrate birthdays but eri's banning makes it seem like a celebration...so happy something, someone!

[powerfulcheese04]

Eri got banned?!?!?

The only way today could be better is if I had actually gotten into vet school instead of just getting my microbiology waiver.

[Rei]

Bob,

I wish it would rain. I wish it would rain through the night and the day and the night. And I wish it would remain grey and lovely and wonderful for a little while. I really miss the rain, here.

~Rei

[zeroguy]

Eri got banned?!?!?

Kill Evil Banned, even. I assume it was JL that used that name; kudos!

Dear Bob,

You know what's really weird? Having someone describe a philosophy/religion of some kind that you previously knew nothing about, and it sounds like what you'd say if you were to describe some of your own beliefs/reasoning.

So far this has happened with me (at various points in my life) with Buddhism (well, small parts of it), Solipsism (and its "philosophical poverty"), and now apparently postmodernism. I know the explanations in that thread are very simplified, but still. It's a rather odd feeling. Like a stranger randomly approaching you on the street and telling you your life story.

-me

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I spent about three hours today in a practice room learning how to play "Exile." I have not touched a piano in a year and a half. It was rather intimidating, knowing that bunch of music majors could hear me in the hallway. However, that said, by the end it actually was sounding pretty damn good (multiple mistakes, but more nit-picky errors rather than not knowing when to hit what note). And you know what? I'd forgotten that I really AM good at playing with expression, even though technically it takes me awhile to learn things and I can't accompany or play by ear worth a damn. But, yeah. So. Expressive.

And that was three hours I didn't think about anything. Yay. I needed that.

My back hurts like hell, now, though. Note to self: Take stretch breaks next time.

[Eaquae Legit]

Someday I wanna hear that. And I can't play anything at ALL, so I am a good audience.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

I changed my life today.

Recently, the company I work for has opened up shop south of the border (in Ohio, to be exact), and I've been the one travelling to and from to help out when it gets too busy for the manager there to handle on his own. It would appear as though I do quite well there, as not only have both that manager and the president have said so repeatedly, but they offered me the assignment of going down there for a year as a supervisor.

Eventually, I said yes.

I'm scared, Bob. Excited, but scared. I've never lived on my own before, especially not in another country...Really, it's not living alone that's the big fear, but more having to pay all the various bills and the like. I'm scared of racking up debt instead of saving for school.

But I'm gonna try. And even if I can't do school in a year like I planned, it's a great experience and excellent on my resume. Thats what I keep reminding myself.

--Cam

[Derwyddon]

Dear Bob,

I changed my life today.

Recently, the company I work for has opened up shop south of the border (in Ohio, to be exact), and I've been the one travelling to and from to help out when it gets too busy for the manager there to handle on his own. It would appear as though I do quite well there, as not only have both that manager and the president have said so repeatedly, but they offered me the assignment of going down there for a year as a supervisor.

Eventually, I said yes.

I'm scared, Bob. Excited, but scared. I've never lived on my own before, especially not in another country...Really, it's not living alone that's the big fear, but more having to pay all the various bills and the like. I'm scared of racking up debt instead of saving for school.

But I'm gonna try. And even if I can't do school in a year like I planned, it's a great experience and excellent on my resume. Thats what I keep reminding myself.

--Cam

Where in ohio? where are you moving from? I had no idea you werent' from the US.

[Eaquae Legit]

Hey Bob,

How do you politely reject someone's friend request on facebook? Is it even possible?

And more importantly, why do I care about being polite? Why am I subscribing to the ZOMG friend everybody you ever knew ever! mindset of facebook?

[powerfulcheese04]

You just decline it, Ali. It doesn't tell them that you declined it.

[Eaquae Legit]

Oh. Cool. I was going to decline it anyway, but hey, good to know.

[Jayelle]

I reject people all the time.... or more significantly, delete people from being my friend if they insist on inviting me to too much crap.

[Derwyddon]

I don't do facebook, but I do myspace. I just ignore friends requests I don't want and it just shows it as pending forever lol.

[anonshadow]

My boyfriend's friend friend-requested me on facebook a few nights ago. I blinked several times, and wondered if it was just the creepy mutual friends thing. He informed me tonight that no, it wasn't that. His friends have all, apparently, been facebook stalking me, as most of them have not actually met me, because they live on the other side of campus. As they can only see my name and profile picture unless they've stolen his computer, I'm kind of entertained.

[powerfulcheese04]

I reject people all the time.... or more significantly, delete people from being my friend if they insist on inviting me to too much crap.

How do you delete people? I want to do a pruning, and I haven't looked very hard for how... but, I'm looking to kick some people soon.

[daPyr0x]

Where in ohio? where are you moving from? I had no idea you werent' from the US.

I'm moving near Columbus, from Toronto.

[Jayelle]

I reject people all the time.... or more significantly, delete people from being my friend if they insist on inviting me to too much crap.

How do you delete people? I want to do a pruning, and I haven't looked very hard for how... but, I'm looking to kick some people soon.

Just go to your friends list and there's a little "x" on the right hand side of the screen.
Also, they don't know you've de-friended them (they don't get a message, at least... they might notice eventually if they care.)

[Popcornbaby]

Hey, I remember you!

And I remember you too, of course. It's nice to come back after a time away and recognize so many names!

I hope you've been well!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
Every time I start making progress mentally, something happens to knock me right back down to where I was on April 2nd.

Mail, phone calls, a lack of phone calls.

I'm dreaming of this, I'm lying awake early in the morning trying not to think about this.

I'm trying to push through it with my head held up.


But in some moments, it is so damn hard.