Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Jebus]

I heard God was Hindu, actually.

[BonitoDeMadrid]

I heard God was Hindu, actually.

Ah, and that truely explains a lot...wth?

[daPyr0x]

Bob, what is wrong with me?

Seriously. WHAT is WRONG with me?

How is it that I can meet someone new, I can garner a reasonable amount of interest, we can even arrange a date

And yet before anything comes to fruition we stop talking for a day and suddenly it's like they came to their senses and want nothing to do with me.

If the date didn't go well I'd understand. That happens. Hell, if we had to cancel, even if it was because she blew me off for another guy. But at LEAST we would cancel.

But no. No nothing like that could happen. No, instead she just randomly decides that I don't exist and she needs to ignore me.

If she was referring to a single event....then maybe that'd be cool. I could deal.
But no. Not even.

Something is clearly wrong with how I pursue women. I don't know what, I really don't; but there's something I'm doing, or not doing.

Say I meet a woman and she has some interest. There are two ways this can go.
Both ways we'll flirt. Both ways we'll talk about going out or whatever. And both ways we'll stop talking because we part ways for the evening, or we sign off msn to sleep, or whatever. And this is where the similarities end. On the one side, I like her; so I try to talk to her next. The next day, or two days after, whatever; but she'll ignore me. and I'll never hear from her again. On the other hand, I could be not interested at all, and just playing along because they've got a decent body; and they are WAY interested. It doesn't matter how badly I treat them, the pure fact that I even talk to them means they want me in bed with them. And as much as I wish that was some sort of typical a****** male thing to say, it's not.

You can call me a chauvanistic pig for playing along with these girls when I'm not interested. Call me whatever you want and I'll give you the same response - f*** you. I'm not chasing these women for sex, I'm not even having sex with these women. Sue me for enjoying the ego boost having them want me like that gives me.

But why the f*** can't I even go OUT with a single goddamn girl that I'm actually interested in?

Seriously. This is f******. I'm pissed.

I'm just pissed at life.

But I guess on the plus side I get halo 3 at midnight tomorrow night, and an awful lot of green leaves at the end of the week...so escapism for the win?
--Cam

[Eddie Pinz]

Dear Bob,

i just started this job on the 18th as a customer sales rep at a bank downtown...the money is decent enough and the atmosphere is good...i like the people i work with well enough...but i'm bored as hell...this is day four and i've done nothing...i haven't even gone through orientation, i do that tomorrow...i don't start formal training until oct 22nd...so i can't do the things i'm supposed to do until i'm trained...so i'm just sitting here looking pretty...which is fine because i really need the pay check...but i'm so damn bored...

[v-girl]

Bob, I think I failed a test today.

I am freaking out.

Dear Bob,

I didn't fail that test. I didn't do very well, but considering the very little amount of studying for it, I'm not surprised. I got right around the average score. My other tests have been really good though! Better than I would have expected. About a ~90 on microanatomy (91% on the lecture part, 89% on the practical) and ~95 on gross anatomy (91% on the lecture part, 100% on the practical!!!), and well above average on both. Maybe I CAN hack this whole med school thing. One more test on Saturday and I'm done with tests for 4 weeks...

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I've just finished Time Traveler's Wife and I'm a complete and utter wreck.

[Young Val]

Oh my god. I'm not allowed to read that book anymore.

[starlooker]

Er, yeah. Sorry bout that.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

My denial knows no bounds.

I walk home, thirty-four blocks and five avenues, listening to the same song on repeat over and over and over, and walking behind obnoxiously slow tourists. I take deep, slow breaths and try not to hate them. My reflection swims beside me, reflected in window after window after door after mirror after window all the way to 59th street.

It isn't me. That hair. Those heels and hands and that face. Those legs and hips and arms aren't mine. My reflection does not look like me. Ever. No one understands this, so I stopped talking about it years ago.

The only men who are interested in me these days are 30 and over. They own condos and use Bluetooth contraptions and wear ties in such a way that implies their heads would not stay securely on their shoulders without one. They are former frat boys who have thickened and work with money and slap each other on the back at the office. They do not understand hardship. They like me because I am a "nice girl" and because they know they need to hurry up and settle down. If I ever dated them, they would be "proud" of having a "creative" girlfriend. They do not read, not even Tom Clancy or Dan Brown. Their idea of leaving the city someday means Jersey. They like my hair, and that I am tall. They pretend to admire my intelligence, but actually they wish I would stop talking. They would not have any interest in going apple picking with me, and if I suggested a game of chess, or thumb war, or seeing who could construct the best paper airplane they would blink at me, not comprehending, and say, "Why?"

They aren't bad people, but I would rather kill myself. And people wonder why--not counting the fact that we were on and off for TEN YEARS and definitely on for the last THREE--I'm not over Henry yet.

My calves are burning; I am walking too fast, but I don't bother to slow down.

I have friends that I no longer speak to, and I'm not sure why. I build up walls now, small, hard stacks of bricks to keep me in and others out. I don't actually like doing this. I do it anyway. I don't understand why everyone keeps leaving me without a proper explanation. The old me starts to pipe up that it must be my fault, since it's a repeated occurrence, but now I know better. What ever it is--it's not my fault. Not all my fault, anyway. And frankly, no one seems all that willing to shoulder his responsibility, so to hell with mine. I am so tired of chasing people, begging them to please explain to me what it is that I did that was so offensive that they cut me out of their lives entirely and without warning.

I don't have any real connection to who I am or what I'm doing. I only know that I will keep going, because I don't really have to face any of this until I stop.




I feel a constant rising panic in me. It flutters wetly at the back of my throat like a moth and I am terrified.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I could cry with frustration. There is NOTHING on my topic at all for this project. All I can find anywhere are some minor suggestions of possibilities that they do not cite. You would think that, for the language that the Huron Carol was written in, there would be at least a LITTLE information out there. One grammar book and one journal article. That is all I ask. I got the grammar book, originally written in Latin in 1640, then translated into English in 1831. And it seems that JSTOR is incapable of doing an AND search. *sighs* It'll take little short of a miracle to pass this project.

~Rei

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

I used to hate clothes shopping. I could never find anything that fit, I always had to wait while my incredibly slow sisters tried stuff on, I didn't like the colours, and etc.

That's changed, recently. I don't have to shop with my sisters, for one. I've gotten better at predicting what will fit, and much better at knowing where to shop. I am also old enough to wear classy professional stuff... the stuff they don't sell at shops for teenagers.

I think I bought almost an entire new wardrobe this summer, stuff that'll look good and professional at school. And comfy, too. Most of it was as a present from my parents, as a thank-you and as recompense for missing a crapload of work. I spent a lot of money then, on some very good deals, and I have also bought a few other items on my own.

Then this week, I heard tell of a garage sale of sorts nearby. There's this lady, she's a shopaholic of the highest order, and twice a year she cleans out her closets and sells off a ton of stuff really cheaply. Coats for 10$, suits for 15$, tops and pants and skirts for 5$, etc. There was even a mink-lined coat... for 25$. (Too bad I'm not big on animal fur items). I tried on a ton of stuff, because you never know how much is going to actually fit - but most of it did. I got three really nice suits, suitable for giving talks and presentations and for doing interviews. Also a couple of nice coats to go between my ultra-heavy winter coat and my lighter fall coat. Anyway, it was pretty awesome.

Now I look really good. I just have to get out of this crazy messy job. I can't wear nice stuff if someone's just going to get poop on it.

All in good time, I suppose, eh, Bob?

[Rei]

Bob, I have a source. I could almost cry... I have a source for this project that's been a dead albatross to me... I can't believe I have a source...

[Nova]

well bob, i finally have my confirmation name options narrowed down to four:
-Godric
-Severus
-Valentine
-Hermione

its gonna take me a while to decide between those though.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I'm going to be a soccer coach at my school.

This sounds so little to you, I'm sure, but I, me, Alea, am going to be coaching soccer! There are no words for the anxiety and excitement I'm simultaneously feeling.

[wizzard]

Bob,

I has a girlfriend!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
I am three and a half hours away from a two week break and time cannot go by fast enough. Also, I hate doing conferences; it makes my throat ache and I don't want to talk for a good week afterward.

And I'm tired. Just a little cranky, too, from lack of supervision at an assembly.

Annnd. I want SLEEP.

That's all.

[Petra456]

Bob,

my grandma died.

[Young Val]

::hugs fred::

[Rei]

*hugs Fred*

[Eaquae Legit]

(((Hugs Fred)))

I'm so sorry. I'm sure she knew she was very loved.

[Gravity Defier]

<3 Fred

*hugs*

[Dr. Mobius]

*hugs Fred*

[shadow-petra]

BOB!!!!

I finally got my camera!!!! I love it so much. WAY much better than that piece of crap I had before.

I also finished SAT I. I'm done. I dont want to ever see an SAT I book ever again. sucks though, cuz i still gotta deal with the Subject tests...and college process. But most of my colleges use Common App, so it's all good. Sorta It's gonna cost me a fortune. But I'm babysitting now, and get paid 10 bucks/hour, so I guess it kinda makes up for it.

Still kinda depressed though. My staff can't do anything right, they don't listen to me for s***. Tomorrow I'm going to rant. I don't care what the advisor says, she can't do anything right. I'm still pissed she chose the editors. She doesn't work with them. I do. And they don't work. Two of them don't do anything at all.

I want a sign. I just want a sign to signal what the hell I'm supposed to do and who I'm supposed to be.

[zeroguy]

Bob,

The past few days have been... unproductive and not fun. Today seems to be the culmination, where I can't seem to do anything right, and have been frustrated all day. This is the first time I can remember where I'd rather be doing history reading than CS homework; I just kinda want to do nothing, but I've already put off so much work over the weekend.

Reading comics has made me feel better, but that just eats up more time I don't have.... I just hope this will end soon.

-me

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I am so mixed up, confused, and overwhelmed with the different things I'm feeling. My strong not-being-concerned attitude about my dad has all but dissipated. He asked to see his dog "for the last time before I die." My step-mom asked me to be available "when the inevitible happens" to help making arrangements and such as she won't be able to. I bottled (and drank some of) the last of his wine, the first and I believe only batch made off his own grapes.

I feel so lonely and depressed. I have no friends. By no, I actually mean few, and they are all physically (and otherwise) distanced from me, so I spend little if any time with them. I want to meet a good girl, but every girl I meet is f****** insane, and I say that in the nicest way possible.

It's funny; I've told a few of these girls of their predecessors (as they were friends first, never intended for anything more), and how I only manage to date crazy girls. I've heard them say "well then, I promise I'm not crazy." And yet... I've had a girl try to kill herself for standing me up on a date accidentally. I've had a girl who hadn't slept in 4 years without pills latch on to me and sleep like a normal person (regardless of whether or not anyone else is sleeping, hah). And now....eugh. I went out a couple times with this girl, and the most recent one things started to escalate some. I'm a human being, and had no specific moral objections to what was happening, so all was good.....until she tried to get me to have sex with her. It started with words, then with 'gentle nudges', then with her....let's just say she physically attempted to have sex with me, which I had refused.

Well, now that I went and told her that's not how I roll she starts to get all pissy, and when she starts to calm down she asks if she still has a chance. Ignoring anything previous to this paragraph; I've gone out with this girl a few times. I'm not her boyfriend, I'm not a close friend, I really don't know her all that well. If she's gonna flip out on me for something like that....what the f*** am I in for if I get myself in any deeper? I told her this, which didn't help matters. We'll just say she's another crazy one.

I don't want or need sex. I don't need the most drop dead gorgeous woman on the planet. I don't need anything all that 'special'. All I want is someone with some intelligence, some respect - both for me and for herself, and a half decent future. By half decent future I mean noone who's hopped up on E every weekend; and at least has a career goal, even if their current position leads nowhere towards it.

Is that so impossible? I'm 21, you would think by this age people would start to mature to the stage I speak of.

Oh, and the final stipulation, they must not be crazy. Fawk.

I sit on msn with a failed relationship or two staring me in the face, and then a whole bunch of people I don't talk to much, and one or two people I am interested in talking to, who are away... I feel so alone.

My daily life can be summed up in one of three states; preparing for work, at work, high at home killing time.

I HATE it. I don't want to get high. I don't want to sit at home. I don't want to play videogames or sit on the computer browsing the internet for useless information, frustrated at the things I've managed to break on this computer and the amount of work involved with fixing them.

Yet....this is the life I know how to lead. I don't know how to be any better. The only difference between me now and me 2 years ago is that 2 years ago I wasn't allowed to get high and I'd be talking to Nic while I did whatever I was doing.

Bob, I miss Nicole. For all of her faults, for all of my frustrations, for every single way that I knew it would never actually work, I loved her, and I still do. I miss having her, even if only as a quick smile when I get a message out of nowhere that says "I love you."

I miss being loved
and I miss loving

and I don't know what to do about it

--Cam

[starlooker]

*random*

After years and years and years of refusing to do anything to alter my hair color at all, I've taken to using red glaze by John Frieda. This is day three. I absolutely adore my hair color, although the infusion of product is making it a bit stringy.

I'm not even that sure it's doing anything. It could be placebo -- my hair is fairly reddish to begin with.

Nah. It's deeper than normal. I like it.

[Petra456]

Bob,

Just for once I want things to smooth out for a bit. It would be awesome if everything turned good, but I would LOVE smooth right now.

Yesterday was one of the worst days in a while. It started out with my car having a flat tired and ended with me crying at work (I was supposed to work that day, but due to a schedule change I had to come in anyways). I've been filling out applications all day because i've really had the last straw.

If it were not for a few people (who I love dearly) I don't know what I would do.

I'm tired and I miss my grandma.

- me


Ps. Thanks everyone!

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I'm in a weird place, and I don't like it. I want to balance out properly again.

~Rei

[Eaquae Legit]

Hey bob,

Today I saw my name on a poster. I'm giving a talk at my undergrad school at the request of a former professor. I was at that school for five years, and I was always seeing posters for guest lectures. I never imagined I'd have my own poster. It cool, and scary, and kind of surreal.

But to make it in this game I know you have to play cutthroat to a certain degree, and giving talks is part of that. It's not a big talk (I imagine I'll only have a few people actually show up), so it's a good way to get my feet wet I guess. Part of me hopes my friends there will show up (moral support), and part of me hopes they don't (I'm afraid of falling flat on my face in front of people whose opinions count).

It's in mid-November. I guess I better do some work on that, eh?

EL

[Wind Swept]

Hello Bob,

I'm back. For some reason. Merry Christmas.

[Luet]

Bob,

It's a little late but I wanted to tell you about my Monday...I just haven't gotten around to it yet. Mark and I went to Vermont on Monday and despite crappy weather, we had a lot of fun. We went to Peru, Jamaica and Dover (Towns in Vermont)! We made up a new word for the cool low clouds/fog in the mountains - clogs...or flouds. And we ate a a neat little restaurant called The Art of the Chicken that, yes, served only chicken dishes. I like going to VT at least once or twice a year...it rocks.

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I'm drinking vanilla tea (despite my prejudice against flavored teas in general) and it smell so luxurious and fantastic even though it just tastes like regular old (slightly sub-par) black tea, so that's one thing in the plus column.

I'm also thinking about a variety of things including--but not limited to--how distressed I am over the weight I gained since my breakup, concern for Bex and how I'm supposed to entertain her and keep an eye out for her at the same time when we go out for dinner tomorrow night over work, the fact that Dan comes out here this weekend (which in and of itself could be a whole post on its own), and of course, a buoyant, consuming love for the Red Sox and a piercing sense of homesickness and desire to see the Boston skyline.

I also hate the NBC website in conjuction with my computer for not loading this week's damn episode of Heroes, because I missed it and want to watch it before I give in to spoilers.

I think I might be nursing a secret dislike of my intern, but I can't be certain yet.

I'd like to have a better handle on things.

[Eaquae Legit]

Psst, Kelly...

http://tv-links.co.uk/show.do/1/41

*scurries away furtively*

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

I've reclaimed my title as She Who Cries On The Subway. Just so you know.

[Yebra]

Dear Bob,

Can you buy happiness? That would be really nifty. This new job is very well paid but SO DULL.