Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[neo-dragon]

I'm no expert, but isn't that sexual harassment?

[daPyr0x]

Tell me why you gotta be so cold...

I know why I gotta be so cold...
and I hate it

but it's self defence. I can't help it because it's either that or over-emo, and that's not something I can be...

funny how every night I set up to go out and have a good time she manages to call just in time to put a damper on it.

[human.]

Bob..

Sometimes I feel bad for all the pain I cause people to suffer through.. sometimes.

[Petra456]

Dear Bob,

Part of me really wants to open a bed and breakfast. I can honestly see myself happily doing this.

- me

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

So, as you may have noted from a previous Bob post, I had a date this weekend.

I broke it. I was actually, honestly, sick on Saturday. And I was prepared to be heartless about it.

Until I heard how disappointed he sounded. And that he had flowers (he didn't say, but I guessed).

So, yesterday, we talked on the phone for a long time (he did the vast majority of the talking) and then he was supposed to do something for mother's day and then he'd stop by.

And he called me and said he and his mom and grandma and sister and sister's fiance and family were all going out for Chinese and why don't I come to?

Part of me was like, "First date... with Mom?" And another part of me was like, "Yes, very yes." He'd described his family to me and they sounded much like mine in the family gatherings department.

So. First date with Mom.

And, well, Bob, it was nice being with a family on Mother's day. We got along okay.

And it was weird cuz people were dividing the check and I heard the fiance's mom say, "Okay, and the girlfriend." And I was like, "Huh?" in an uncomfortable way, and I was like, "Huh." in a pleasant way.

And, anyhow, we went driving and walking in parks and out for coffee and back to my place where I did not, in fact, sleep with him.

And it's all very strange, Bob. Because I'm used to being separate from the lives of various guys in my life, and they are separate from mine. My friends don't know them, and I probably don't really know their friends well, never mind family. And, for my part, I like it that way, commitmentphobe I am.

And now here's somebody in a non-creepy very open way saying, "Hey, these are the people in my life, come meet them, come be beside me, come on in, I think I'd like you to have a place here."

I don't know what to make of it, Bob.

It's a good thing and I know it's a good thing.

All that remains is for me to f*** it up, but I don't think I really want to.

I'm leaving in a year. This can just be practice, right? This can just be me finally, finally getting something right just once before I head back out into the wide world?

Maybe?

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

You know what's starting to really grate on me? My friends trying to tell me they understand or they know what I'm going through

You stupid f****** teenagers, you have no f****** idea what I'm going through.

That's not to say that I'm somehow special and don't feel things the same way others do. There are people who could say that and actually be comforting because they have been through something at least very similar.

But comparing my 4 year relationship, engagement, and having her decide to "throw caution to the wind" (her words) and throw it all the way just a couple weeks after looking at wedding locations and not knowing anything was wrong at all to what they had is total bullshit. You CHEATED on your girlfriend, MORE THAN ONCE, you lied to her incessantly because that's what you do to everyone and still do....and she eventually got sick of it. That's NOT the same, no matter how much you want to tell me it is. You CHEATED on your boyfriend, because he was far away and was - quite honestly - a douche, with one of my best friends and ended it afterwards to be with him. That's NOT THE f****** SAME, regardless of whether or not you still "miss" him.

Then again, maybe I am just special.... Special in that I have a mental disorder I'm scared to get diagnosed and it makes this harder than it has to be.

I know there are people that have been through very similar. I know my mom went through it with my dad. I know my older brother did with his ex. The problem is I don't, can't, talk to either of them about any of it. My mom because it saddens her to talk about it, much less about me having to deal with the same thing. And my brother because he's gone and thrown himself into a new relationship making all the same mistakes because he felt lonely. I know there are people here, too. Not many, but a few....just nobody that I really talk to.

It's funny how the words "I understand" can be helpful coming from one person; yet insulting and belittling of your emotions coming from another.

You'd think I'd understand that that's the reason I can't find anyone new, and that's the reason nobody's remotely interested or anything...

But I don't, I blame it on myself, my looks or my personality or whatever I'm feeling ashamed of at the moment.

Bob, something's wrong with me and I don't know what.

[Jayelle]

Dear Bob,

Ever had a secret, or almost a secret that was burning inside you?

Yeah, this is brutal.

[zeroguy]

I truely believe that the majority of the YouTube "community" are sub-human.

Or better put: http://xkcd.com/c202.html

I recently viewed a Primus music video on Youtube, and roughly a third of the comments were "Primus Sucks!", another third was "primus doesn't suck stfu noob", and the last third was "'Primus Sucks' is the bands' motto, rtards". Or something like that. All of the comments were one of those three (that I saw). It makes me cry inside.

Dear Bob,

For the first time today, someone on a Segway rode right by me. I really felt like tackling them. I didn't feel any hatred towards the guy or anything, it just that someone riding on a Segway just looks like something that should be tackled. I don't really know why.

-me

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

EUGH. I want SO BAD to scream out "DONT KEEP DOING IT DUDE!" I want to tell him that those were my first hints, and they went on for 2 f****** YEARS before I got them - just in time for them to turn into more than hints.

Kim's comment "We're not all whores" comes to mind for reasons nobody will understand. But in my mind it works.

I want it all back though.
I want so badly to love like that again.
I want to care about something like that.
I want to have something to look forward to, even if it's just a phone call.

and I just don't know how.

Anything I go into for the sake of having a 'relationship' never works out. The only things that ever work out are the things where the title is irrelevant. Where we're just....together a lot.... we're good friends...and things move forward from there. But I don't even have any good friends.

At least I have halo...

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

I can't write this in my LJ because he'll read it. That frustrates me some. Both because I feel like I can't use my LJ and because it's about someone that matters enough to me to be a friend on my LJ in the first place...

I am so f****** frustrated right now.

My buddy's girlfriend lives near my dad. He was planning on going out there to see her this weekend, as I was planning to go see my dad. So, being the guy I am I offer a ride. He doesn't know, because of the timing and everything, so we just kinda leave it at that. I work till late, so I wouldn't be leaving till 11pm Friday night to arrive between 1 and 2am.

Well the next thing I hear is from his girlfriend, who's like "so where do you live so I can come pick him up saturday morning at like 8am." And I'm just like huh? Who said anything about saturday morning? To which she responds telling me well she can't pick him up at 1am and I say I can't exactly have people staying overnight at my dad's place randomly like that ....conversation ensues. We end it essentially saying that if I get the Friday off he'll hang out at my dad's till she can pick him up or whatever.

Anyways, I ask my boss for Friday off, so I can go up earlier and catch a good friday night meal (my step mom's quite the cook ), and he does that for me. So, talking to my friend again, I tell him I'll be going out midday Friday. He asks ME what she said last I talked to her (which I find odd) and I tell him I didn't know that then and we hadn't arranged anything. So he says he'll call her and work it out.

So then tonight I get home from work to see a whole ton of messages from her saying "CAM!! Are you there?!?! What's happening? Are you coming out early or not???? Call me, but not too late" (knowing full well that I work until 11pm....)

There's a complete and total disconnect. Somehow I tend to think that she'd call him to find out what's going on.... I don't think it's unreasonable of me to kinda expect that - seeing as I'm saving him 20 bucks (and lord knows how much time) by driving him rather than taking a bus or train - he'd be able to figure out the rest, you know?

I really should call him tonight and confirm that that's happening, but honestly I don't care to. Partiallly because I really don't like to use the phone and partially because he should take some f****** initiative in organizing where it is HE is going. HE should be calling ME to find out what he's doing. I'm driving there on my schedule, and just making a couple pit stops to help out a friend - not the other way around. I'll call him at like noon tomorrow and tell him I'm on my way or something, and he can take it or leave it.

I really have no problem driving the extra half hour it is to her place to drop him off. I have no problem meeting somewhere. And I have no problem with him hanging out at my dad's place until she's done work or whatever. I just have a problem with not knowing; because I can't just bring someone over without telling my dad that someone's coming with me, even if for a bit. Don't f****** expect that my place is open like that. And if you have a cold or a cough or anything, it's not. Deal.

[Claire]

Dear Bob,

Yesterday I went to go visit my friend Mike, who is in a coma. I've known him since...first-ish grade and been really good friends with him since high school.

I can't grasp it. I can't cry about it beause I can't grasp it. And it makes me feel guilty. I saw him there, I SAW him there, and his mom said to him "Mike, look Claire came to visit you, she is wearing a red shirt" and he looked over and then looked away. I tried to hold his hand but there was no response at all. That is not my friend. I can't put the two together, my memory of my friend and this low-conscious body in the hospital are separate. My mind still believes that I'm going to see Mike when I see all the rest of my high school friends this summer. Or, if I don't, it will just be like all of the rest of the people I don't see. But the chances of him recovering are so small, its been 3 monthes since the accident. Oh, he's one of my oldest friends, Bob.

He's so lucky to have his mom though. Her strength through this is just amazing. I'm going to try and get some friends together to make her a giftbasket or something.

-Claire

[Eaquae Legit]

*hugs* One of the things that got drummed into me over and over when I was doing my first aid classes is to keep talking to a person, even if they're unconscious, because it's not uncommon that they can hear you.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

First therapy appointment today.

I think she's a keeper.

Nice to know I really have grown. Was not incapacitated by negative history with counselors. Told the truth about what my problem is, or, well, part of it, anyways.

Cried. Not hard. But still.

I want an office like hers someday.

Anyways.

So...yay. Good job me. Bought ice cream afterwards. Felt it was deserved.

[v-girl]

dear bob,

i'm going to medical school this fall.

holy crap.

all my work, all the time i've put in over the past 4 years, all the crap i've been though... it has finally paid off.

[starlooker]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

I'm very, very, very happy for you!

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

It's getting increasingly hard to see my dad. My step mom is being run absolutely ragged. My dad just...doesn't have the same mental capacity as he used to... as a 50 yr old man should have. He's almost like a 10 yr old sometimes. My step mom laughs and it is so obvious it is just to cover up the pain that she's going through.

Call me selfish, but it's really hard to keep being so positive. I know I sound fake and contrived when I make these comments to my dad about having lots to look forward to and all that. I know he can see right through me.... We went golfing today, and though my brothers went on ahead I stayed back with my dad and step mom so I could be with him. He loves golfing.

He's doing quite well, honestly, given the situation. The fact that he's in chemo and radiation so intensely and we had him out for the front 9 at the golf course is quite the testament to that. He gets a real kick out of driving the golf cart. He misses his car. Helping him physically is so much easier. It' easier to understand, easier to see, when you're taking his blood sugar or helping him piece together the tractor..... but to see him just get totally lost in life and not know where he is or what he was just doing...it's really hard.

I guess when I see older relatives with alzheimers I've never really known them without it, so I can understand it better. As far as that's concerned, too; they're old. It's expected. And it's gradual; it doesn't suddenly start over the course of 2 months. He's....not old. He's my dad. He shouldn't have this.

It almost seems like it would be easier just to not come out anymore.

But I can't do that. If not for him, then at least for them...

I don't wonder whether or not he'll make it or anything...I wonder whether or not he'll ever be the same again. Will he?

Will he, bob?

--Cam

[Miss Abbie]

Dear Bob,

I realize that this is a completely dumb and irrelevant thing to but upset about but

tonight was prom night and everyone looked like a princess.

Except for me, of course, because I WAS IN JEANS. Why? Oh, maybe because NO ONE ASKED ME and I'm looking at these girls who are not that pretty and I hate the fact that SOMEONE thinks that every one of them is prettier than me.

I hate not being wanted

and I hate being ugly.

I hate being ugly.

I want to be invisible.

[Young Val]

dear bob,

yesterday was pretty awful from sun up to sun down. i talked to dan for a long time and had the beginnings of a good cry, but i stopped it up real quick before it got the best of me.

there's a new girl in my Writers' Group and she throws the whole dynamic off. it's getting to me a lot more than it should, but i organized this group so carefully and put a lot of time and effort into it. and it was really beginning to take off. and i was focusing on my work and getting some really insightful comments. and this new girl just wrecks everything. it's childish of me, but i wish she would leave. things were so settled as they were. we all had a rhythm. a language in which we related. her presence disturbs everything.

so far this week has been focused on the bureaucratic aspect of my job, rather than the creative. that is wearing on me, too.

i miss henry.

i'm revamping all my social circles.

i'm struggling to enjoy what i've earned.

...why do i feel like that shouldn't be a struggle?

[starlooker]

I had SO much fun screwing with the minds of first year MA students. SO much fun. HILARIOUS. I got to portray a deeply depressed suicidal client, a battered woman thinking of killing her husband, and a mom who has it all together and is secretly beating her autistic child. And just see what they were gonna do to a) find out who I was and b) what they were going to do with it.

I was actually nicer to them than I intended to be.

SO much fun.

I'm SUCH a sadist.

[Petra456]

Bob, i'm so restless tonight.

Well, not restless. Maybe a little tired? I don't think I am. I'm lonely, but not in the bad way. Maybe a little in the bad way. I just want someone to talk with right now. I feel, I don't know, static filled? If that makes any sense. I honestly can't place this feeling, and as soon as I put a good or bad label on it, it wants to switch to the opposite.

I feel bruised, in more ways then one. I feel tired in almost every way possible.

Little by little, Bob. Little by little.

[anonshadow]

...

[Young Val]

dear bob,

my sister was in town. we hung out for half an hour lateish last night and got coffee. we didn't fight once. she hugged me when she left. it was good. it was a bright spot in a bad day.



i've been in at work for a good 40 minutes already (i always come in early) but i haven't done anything. i feel like either sleeping or crying or playing chess.

can't do any of that here, so am going up to the kitchen to boil water for tea, and then sitting down to a mountain of paperwork.


i think there are only maybe four actual people that i trust any more.

[Luet]

Having four people that you really, truly trust is not too shabby. But you probably know that. I think it's the person(s) that we used to trust that are now missing that really causes the ache, eh? *hugs*

[Young Val]

*hugs back*

thank you. that helped.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

This MMPI-2 WILL NOT END. I cannot make sense of it. It will not be interpreted. I am doing it systematically now which means I will probably be here for another hour. At least.

It's so much harder to do these f****** things when you actually know the person they're about.

EDIT: Exactly one hour later. What did I tell you. Three hours work for two pages of psychobabble. I HATE it when they have more than 3 spikes. I really hate it when EVERYTHING is spiked.

[Luet]

Kirsten, you are not decreasing my desire to have an MMPI done on me.

[Yebra]

[blank]

[starlooker]

Kirsten, you are not decreasing my desire to have an MMPI done on me.

So you can imagine the joy it's bringing to the interpreter?

It is interesting, I'll grant you that.

[Luet]

Dear Bob,

I just watched the movie Psycho for the first time. Holy crap, does Anthony Perkins (Norman Bates) look like HIM. And physical appearance is not the only thing they have in common. General creepiness, weird mother/son relationships, oppressive childhoods...*shudder*. I feel it's going to restart the nightmares and flashbacks.

It didn't help that the wedding shower was today also. Not that I was invited and/or would have gone. But yeah.

[ratesjul]

Dear Bob,

I hate change. Change should STOP, or at the very least slow down so I have time to catch up.

Please?

:-/

[Claire]

Bob,
So far summer has been really really mundane. The days all bleed together and I feel like my life is wasting away. All I do is eat and read and play golf. And yet, I still feel like I don't have time for anything. I'm not online as much and I never have my cell phone with me, so I'm not in contact with anyone. I haven't seen my best friend in two weeks-ish. Blaaaah.
-Claire

[Hegemon]

Dear Bob,

Make the nightmares go away. I don't like them. I have the distinct feeling they don't like me much either.

-- Me

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I'm sinking back down. For a while I was doing okay. I wasn't happy - I never am - but I wasn't totally in the dumps either. And then, last night, I fell back down.

I went out to a bar with a friend of mine and a couple friends of hers. I've gotta say that's possibly the most awkward and out of place I've felt in a while. I just felt so excluded, not because they excluded me - not in the least - but because I just didn't fit in with them....I didn't GET them...

And then the guy on stage started doing a nice long string of songs about getting cheated on and such. That didn't help matters.

And so now I lie in bed all morning and stare at things until I fall back asleep... I repeated that 4 times this morning.

I shoulda gotten up and played some Forza instead, but I didn't.

sigh.

--Cam

[ratesjul]

Dear Bob,

I REALLY don't want to study. Not yesterday, not today, not tomorrow. It's a long weekend and I just want to relax and enjoy it because Tuesday will be hellish.

But I have to study.

But I really don't want to...

*sigh*

And my brother and his fiancée are coming over sometime this afternoon. I don't know if that's good or bad or indifferent or if they just want good coffee. (They know I have it even though I don't drink it).

*sigh*

[anonshadow]

...