Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[daPyr0x]

What exactly is happiness? How would you define it? What makes you feel it? What are you chasing in that pursuit of happiness that we are all engaged in? Do you even know? Do you really know what it is that will make you happy?

Some people spend 40 years of their life chasing wealth. They give up and ignore every other aspect of their life in pursuit of wealth. They feel happy when they feel wealthy, so they pursue further wealth. One day they step back, realize they could survive comfortably for the rest of their lives just on investments, and wonder, "Why am I still chasing this?" They have their wealth. Maybe their notoriety too, and yet they're not happy.

Others devote their entire life to chasing this idea of a family. The thought of having a spouse, a house, and a child, or children is defined as happiness to them. They taste it as they get in close to that potential spouse, taking a parental role over other children, and they give up whatever they might have that's neccesary to chase this, figuring that this is happiness. Then one day they're sitting at home, relaxing, after an evening of work on an assembly line or some other demeaning job, kids in bed and spouse doing the dishes, and they wonder why it is they're still not happy.

How DO you define happiness? Is happiness just satisfaction? Satisfaction with what you have, what you have achieved? then the question becomes, is satisfaction just complacency? Not as much a happiness with where you are as a lack of desire to continue to improve, or attempt to? This is the basis behind my "Happiness is just carefully disguised complacency."

What defines happiness for you? Is it a number in the bank? A friend by your side? A husband or wife waiting at home? A title that justifies your importance in the world?

My answer isn't one that is satisfying, and that is why I ask. Happiness, for me, is having those around me happy. I do not know what it is to be happy without leeching it off of others. The only happiness that I know is in making others happy; or having happy people around me. I think back to any time that I have felt what I believe to be happy, and realize that it was merely a leeched emotion from someone around me. The happiest I feel is when someone else is happy, and I am the cause of that.

You could say I'm depressive. You could say that there has to be some time way back when. You could say that I just haven't felt that yet, and it's coming one day. I wouldn't really know which one is true.

Perhaps, for me, that's all happiness ever is. Perhaps my pursuit in life is to find an occupation where - for lack of better or more descriptive wording - making people happy is my job; my pursuit is to find a woman who I can make happy, a child of mine that I can raise to be happy, and overall to be a person who can make others happy. Perhaps that itself is happiness for me, and the rest is just complicating matters needlessly.

Perhaps happiness as it is felt by others is not made for me. Perhaps I will never feel what they do. Perhaps this happiness that everyone else chases, and some are able to achieve, is not something I can comprehend purely because of my makeup.

Or perhaps I need to be medicated, but I'll ignore that.

[Young Val]

dear bob,


cassandra claire is on the new york times best seller list for City of Bones.



i kinda wanna kill myself.

[Petra456]

Kelly, that made me giggle.

[Young Val]

bob,

got off the phone with henry an hour ago. haven't spoken to him or heard his voice since the beginning of february. it's exactly the same as i remembered it.

i've been crying for much longer than the last hour. since his email this afternoon.


it's all awful.


i feel ill.


i think i was better off having no contact and just crying myself to sleep at night. i don't think i have the strength to do this again.

he's only going to rip my heart out.

[Miss Abbie]

Dear Bob,

Today, when my coach said in his writeup,

"Due to illnesses, a missing fin on their boat, and a lack of a Fifth Boat from Lincoln, our Fifth boat was not able to race on Wednesday,"

I realized that I have been stupid in expecting anything from his mouth to make any sense at all.

It doesn't really make me feel any better, but it is amusing.

[anonshadow]

Dear Bob,

I am so very amused that my best friend and I spent all day (yes, pretty literally all day) discussing characters that we write as if they are actually alive. I am doubly amused that one of my characters told me where he knows another from, as I've been grappling with this for weeks.

I am also very pleased that my writing has been so productive today, even if I'm so fully immersed in Connor and Sarah that I will likely be spewing their opinions instead of my own for the next several days.

(Thankfully, I will be spending the next several days at my other best friend's house, and not only is she tolerant of this, she may, in fact, do the same thing.)

[Mahatma]

Dear Bob,

Please please please please please let me find it.

I spent 150€ on this ticket. To see live my favorite album ever. I practically ripped apart my bedroom this morning trying to find it, and I didn't. It's just disappeared.

Oh please please please please PLEASE let me find it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't tell me it's accidentally been thrown out. I swear I put it in a safe place.

PLEASE.

(thank you.)

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

It's sixteen degrees outside. Sixteen glorious degrees.

Yay.

~Rei

[Young Val]

dear bob,

you know, i sort of feel sorry for everyone who was too young to really grow up with the music i grew up with. i caught the death rattle of the 80s. and the 90s were mine, all mine!


i mean, i'm sitting here, listening to Annie Lenox's "Walking on Broken Glass."

i mean, come on.


god, i love nostalgic music.

[Nova]

hey Bob!

I love Louisville so much! last night was Thunder and it was so fun!! the air show was awesome! the fireworks were amazing, especially because we were close enough to a speaker that we could hear all the music! and they seemed longer than usual...about 35 minutes. even fighting the crowds(while doing the electric slide, of course) to get to the bus stop was fun! and then we rode the bus home, and that took 2 hours. the people that we were sitting by on the bus were all really annoying!! oh well, i still enjoyed the bus ride!

well Bob, the Kentucky Derby festival has begun!

-erin

[daPyr0x]

Bob...

I would've thought that with the warm weather I would feel better. I was positive....

But NOBODY seems to want that. It's not even because I'm depressive anymore, it's because everybody around me......sucks.

One of my favorite trance artists came to town. I'd been looking forward to it for MONTHS. My buddy asked me to get him a ticket when I ordered and he'd pay me back. 2 months later, showtime, he expects a ride down from me, but still hasn't paid me for the ticket. It's only $30 so I don't mind too much, We get in, jamming to one of the opener artists, and he leaves to get a drink. 2 hours later he's still nowhere to be found. I've been ditched so he can hang out with my ex girlfriend (who I made a point of avoiding, and made him very well aware that I did not want any part of her that night). f*** him. I tell him I'm leaving and he can get a ride with someone else. I don't actually leave, but he believed it.

I've been talking to Nic lately. She's having some troubles with the guy she cheated on me with. Yes, I am that masochistic that I'm talking to her about this. The conversation starts with "why is it over?" "I love him so much" "can you call him and try to get him to take me back?"

Yes, she asked that - though not in those words.

And then it ends with "Will you take me back?"
If there's ever a time to feel totally worthless.....to be second best...
She can't even say "I love you" to me anymore.

And that's it. That's all I am to everybody. Bottom of the f****** barrell. Leech whatever they can off of me and then fall off when I'm dead.

I am so sick of it all.
I can't love. I can't give. I can't be a friend. I'm not good enough.
Someone's always better. I'm not good enough for anybody. No matter how hard I f****** try to be EVERYTHING they coudl ever want I'm not f****** good enough.

f*** YOU.
I'm so ready to kill myself. I know I shouldn't say stuff like that here, but I am. I hate that. I don't want to do it. But I don't have any reason to live. Yes yes, I have family that loves me, that ditches me when I try to go out or hang out with them (last Friday, my older brother). Yes, I'll probably meet someone new eventually, and be as lackluster to them as well so they'll leave me when someone cuter comes along

I've been arguing with myself for a week now about whether or not to go to the doctor and ask for a referral. I still am. But I won't get any better. I won't take pills. Talking won't do s***.

I need a plan.
One that nobody knows about.
So that noone can argue against it being an accident...

Or maybe I just have to stop dodging the other cars on the road and hope one hits me hard enough to do it.

Something.

--Cam

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

I have my dissertation proposal tomorrow morning. I am a bit nervous. Wish me luck.

I told my supervisor about it at fieldwork, and she let me prep with her for an hour (and invited my previous supervisor, who sat in). That was helpful. I feel somewhat better about it, about knowing the material. She's awesome. They're both awesome, really.

But, Bob, the methodology I am STILL a bit lost on.

Still, though, they've never NOT let anyone pass, right? Right.

Of course, first time for everything.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I'm finding yet again that my productivity in studying is greatly undermined when I just don't care. I'm not certain what I've learned all semester in this class, I'll never have to take another class in it, and I'm not all that convinced that I should give morphology a second thought when I go further in the field of linguistics. I really just don't care, Bob. Here's hoping it isn't too obviously reflected in my exam grade.

~Rei

[daPyr0x]

It's 4am and I've been lying in bed for 3 hours now...

3 hours I've spent lying here staring into space, occasionally checking the tv to see if something's magically happened, move the mouse to see if I've gotten an email notifying me of something happening on my facebook or something. Listen to my mom snore, my cats push doors open as they roam the house looking for things to do. The occasional click of a hard drive in my otherwise silent computer. There's a red blinking light on my phone, telling me that somebody called my mom earlier today. No calls for me today though. Not even a text message on my cell phone. A mysterious orange light eminating from behind my subwoofer... Ah, the power supply for my xbox.

There's a spider walking along the wall. I don't know where it came from, nor do I know where it plans to go. It starts walking towards the corner, and then changes it's mind and moves towards the roof. I wish my cat was in here. Somehow the movements of his head as he watches the mysterious spider are more entertaining than the movements of the spider itself. I'm sure in the mind of the cat, the opposite is true. In the mind of the spider, however...what's a cat?

I think about my day tomorrow. I am convinced that I need to get up early so I can get on the bike. Hence the bedtime at 1... So much for that idea. I'm convinced that I need to get out and ride. And when I think I've ridden enough, or when I'm dying because my out of shape heart can't take the speed and my lungs can't gasp enough air, push myself to go harder, faster, better, stronger....until I am completely out of energy. That's the only way for any of this to do anything. No pain, no gain. And it's only once you get your heartrate up that the cardio really does anything.

Now I think, "Why?" I don't even know why I want to do this. It doesn't make me feel any better, despite what everyone claims about physical exercise. It doesn't make me have any more friends, it doesn't make me feel better about myself, it really doesn't do anything but exhaust me. Why do I want to put myself through this? Because I know it's good for me? What difference does that make?

The spider has now shifted downwards. He moves towards the floor, and dips out of sight behind my desk. Does the spider know where it's going? Does it even care? Surely, a spider wouldn't force itself to push to the very edge of it's limits looking for some sort of self improvement, would it? Perhaps, as it is commonly believed, the spider is really only concerned with it's next feeding. Perhaps it is concerned with mating. Perhaps it wishes to find a mate, procreate, provide for it's offspring. Could a spider live a life with the same drive as a person? Certainly, though, that drive wouldn't be wasted on a video game (take that, bomberman touch!).

I hear the door push open and in walks my cat with a small mew to announce his arrival. He saunters over towards my chair and looks up at me, as if to ask why I'm awake yet not petting him.

His only worry is what he can play with next and where he can get some love. Food is always in the dish, there's always somewhere to sleep, and somebody's there to clean up after him no matter what. Life is good for him.

And yet here he stands, staring at me, somehow unsatisfied because at this very moment, he's not getting any attention. I softly call him up and he hops onto my bed and curls up next to me purring. The sound of my hard drive is no longer audible, though sadly my mom's snoring can't be overcome quite that easily.

A few steps come from the room above mine. I'm always curious when I hear those steps what anyone in that household is doing awake at x time of night. Above my room are two kids, they should not be awake now, and even their father usually doesn't get up until 5:30 or so.

Ah, bathroom. I hear the water run through the pipes and footsteps back into bed. Back to sleep they will soon be, resting up for another of their final days of school for the year.

As an adult, life seems so much simpler looking at children. They have no real concerns about finances, providing for their family, or really any long term planning. They have a few hours a day of school where they learn, more than anything else, social skills with their peers; and then they come home to further practice those skills with their friends.

Perhaps I skipped that class. As a child I was sheltered such that if my mom didn't know them, I shouldn't hang out with them; and even further that I was not able to bring people over as she would not be home to supervise. Perhaps those years of social skill building were lost on me as a child.

Still, I went to class. I missed very little school as a child. Somehow, though, the teaching of being social was lost on me. Sociality was a scary place for me, often leading to pain and hurt feelings. The teachings of social skills were such that they didn't exist, that to be alone was better than to be social, for the more social you were the more pain you would endure.

I'm an adult now. I still push for sociality, though. I try to meet people. I invite people out with me. I even pay for them to go to a concert with me knowing full well they'll never pay me back purely for the experience of going with someone rather than being alone in a crowd of 3,000 lost in the sea of faces, bodies, and persons that I will never know anything about.

Perhaps the idea of being social lies within the ability to take that sea of people and turn it into people that I do know something about. Meet them, talk to them, make friends with those people instead. Perhaps that's the lesson that I skipped and had to get an admit slip for. Perhaps this is my admit slip, being forced - for fear of being alone - into making new people my friends.

No, that can't be it.
No matter how much I want it to be, it can't be. Despite everything I may put into any friendship, the pure fact that it's a social drive for me means that there will be pain. Maybe because they'll be untruthful, maybe because they'll abandon me in a time of need, or maybe something different. But one day they'll all abandon me, tell me to kill myself, or just laugh in my face for thinking, even for a second, that they might actually be my friend.

Toby has grown tired of my affections and gets up, stretches, and starts to walk. I am gripped with fear. I grab him. All I want is to love. I'm really not asking anything in return from him. Why must he leave?

He wriggles out and goes to sit on my chair and watch the spider. I am hypnotized by the movements of his head watching the spider, who has reappeared from behind my desk, move about the wall. He is intrigued by this thing that can seemingly defy gravity, and he calculates how he is to catch it.

How does everyone else manage to defy the gravity of pain that a social drive brings? Do they just have a thicker skin? Better luck? Do they just choose better people to invest in? Like a stock, where some take a lot of risk and have a high potential for both rewards and penalty; and others have much smaller risk and potential. Perhaps, like a stock, one must properly play the market. Buy low, sell high. Get out before it crashes down, because it will always crash down.

Is that the lesson I've been missing out on?

A plastic bag has suddenly become Cloe's amusement. She paws at it and is enthralled by the noise that it makes as it crumples and crunshes. That is her video game. Her alternative to being social when she doesn't care for her brother being around.

I wonder, does she crave to be social? Does she want other cats around, that she may make friends with and have fun with? Does she have the same gravity that I do, and that social desire will eventually bring her more pain than it was worth in the beginning?

No, I think she is quite satisfied with the life she has. She purrs with glee just for the opportunity to sit on the same couch as us.

How can I be satisfied without that social drive? She knows how loved ehe is by my mother and I. Could that be why she is satisfied?

Why can I not have that love? Or, perhaps, why can I not be as satisfied with it as she?

I wonder, what would she do if we were to abandon her as her mother did? If we pushed her out of the house to make room for a new cat. Would she miss us? Would she find, and appropriately love, a new owner? Or would she roam the streets, meowing at night aimlessly driven to find something she lost. But then, if she found us again, and we opened the door to her, would she come back in?

It's now past 5am, and the birds have begun chirping. I stare at my window, with the blinds down and closed, just to look towards where the sound comes from. Each bird has it's own unique song. All chirping at once, it sounds like noise to us; the way a bustling crowd of commuters would at a busy street corner to them. Individually though, what do they mean?

If you were to take that same bustling crowd and isolate each person, you would be able to understand each and every conversation there (provided you spoke the language. Which, in this city is quite the feat). Could you do the same with the birds? Their song, is it communication?

I wonder, what's the bird equivalent to "50 points if you get it in his hair"?

It is possible that my repeated failures, with either sex, are an act of coincidence. That it just happened that he was fake and she ditched me and he was a liar and she wasn't interested and the like. Perhaps, too, the songs of the birds are merely random warblings of their small vocal chords that only sound like song to our musically trained minds. Somehow, both ideas sound far fetched.

And so, being well after 5am now, I will not get much sleep tonight. I will wake up. I will get on my bike, and push until I am no longer able. I will sweat, I will hurt, I will probably have to sit down to take a break, but it will be good for me. In some way, the act will be beneficial to my body, and hopefully to my mind.

And I shall continue to train like that. Not for myself, but for the next failed social experience of mine, such that I may then be convinced my attempts for self improvement must be focused elsewhere.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

My metabolism has gone wonky again. I'm getting sudden, drastic bloodsugar lows which make me nauseous. I don't feel hungry, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN I'm so hungry that I'm nauseous and don't want to eat.

It's a sure sign I've been mistreating myself and need to smarten up.

It's a pain, because I hate feeling like this, but I'm actually kind of glad my boDy has this identifiable early-warning system rigged up.

I hear you loud and clear!

[Gravity Defier]

It's a pain, because I hate feeling like this, but I'm actually kind of glad my boy has this identifiable early-warning system rigged up.

You trained that boy, well.



(sorry)

[Eaquae Legit]

[anonshadow]

...

[AnthonyByakko]

Dear Bob,

After a hopeful start, my flailing struggles in learning the language have been disappointing lately. I can't keep my mind focused on the tasks at hand; whenever I'm supposed to be practicing speech I get restless and my mind wanders. When I'm supposed to be practicing writing or learning new compounds or symbols, I get sleepy or listless. If it wasn't for the progress I'd been making in my physical hobbies, my recent failures with my mental hobbies would have gotten me srsly depressed.

[Yebra]

[blank]

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

The Yellow Fever vaccine hurts like a bitch. The Hepatitis A vaccine didn't hurt so bad... but, Jesus. The Yellow Fever vaccine hurts.

The upper part of my right arm is angry.

And I'm "feeling puny" as my dad puts it.

Which is not good because I'm helping prepare for and attending a party tonight. I have to go to their house at 2 to bake/clean/etc. Then the party starts at 9 and goes to 2.

Man, oh man.

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

I just had a friend of mine come into my dorm room and play his cello. For three hours. For no real reason. He is very good at playing the cello.

Words cannot describe my elation when he played one of my all-time favorite pieces upon naming my favorite composer. I've never heard it except for some random mp3 recording of it I found, and hearing it a few feet away from me on a real cello was.... indescribable.

This night could possibly be one of the best memories I have ever had. Something just makes me want to say, this is life.

-me

P.S. I did not know this person until I came here. This just shows one of the things I really like about this place.

[Young Val]

bob,

i've been up since 6:30. just woke up on my own that early and have been up ever since. i'm so vair vair bored. bored out of my MIND even. i could use the time to clean my room or do some laundry, but i can't be bothered. i suppose i'll just lie here. being bored.

and read more Georgia.

[Young Val]

bob,

in my boredom i've given one of my stuffed animals, Charmy (the dog), a bath. he's been dingy and grey for ages now. i don't think he's been properly cleaned since he was skinned and reconstructed back when i was 13 or so. his white bits look decidedly more white now, which is good. but i think i've overlooked the problem of drying. i hope he'll air-dry alright, as i haven't got time to pop him in the dryer before work.

i'm also still in my pajamas and haven't showered yet, despite the fact that i've got to leave for work in half an hour and i've been up since dawn.

i have drunk a lot of gingerale, though, and moved around piles of stuff in my room in an attempt to clean, not to mention read some more Georgia and chat on the phone a bit and watch Noises Off a total of four times. in a row.

oh dear.

[Wil]

Dear Bob,

I cried for the first time when watching a movie and I can't figure out if it was because of how sad it was, or just a way for me to drain all of the emotions I've been having. Perhaps both. What do you think?

Wil

[Young Val]

bob,

doing ceaseless, hysterical crying. again. tonight is pretty much the epitome of awful.

[Young Val]

Bob,

Al Zuckerman (yeah. as in the Al Zuckerman. also as in the boss of all of writers house) wants to pay me $100 on thursday evening to carry round cocktails and cheese plates at a book launch party being held at his house. for a total of two hours. that's $50 an hour.

no-brainer, right?

right!


...except that my favorite part about landing this job was that it meant i'd never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever EVER have to serve food to people EVER AGAIN.


blah.

[wizzard]

Dear Bob,

I just have to get through exams, and I will have spent an entire year away at college. Neither of my 2 older brothers have done that. One of them went for half year, then moved back to the local college. As long as I can remember, they have always been stronger, smarter, and more outgoing than me. The concept that I've done something that they haven't (or couldn't) is just mind-boggling.

That's all for now. Take care Bob

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

I'm so lonely lately. Very very lonely. I incessantly look at my phone for an awaiting text message, repeatedly check my email waiting for someone to say something to me. I spend far too much time with my cell phone going on the internet and checking all the forums I post on, anxiously searching for somebody to respond to something I've said. If I've ever had any inkling of OCD it would be now, because every 5 minutes I pull my cell out of my pocket and check the screen for any messages, any attempts from anyone to contact me.

I used to spend a good portion of every day text messaging people. It was my way of feeling social, and it kept me sane by giving me neccesary distraction from the occurances of my day. At times even giving me an outlet for venting.

But, I've cut out everyone I can do that with. Not for the sake of cutting them out, not because I'm trying to retract into my hsell, but because every single person has given me reason after reason to and I've reluctantly given in finally.

I just feel so alone.

Perhaps it's a side effect of living in a dungeon. Perhaps a side effect of working an afternoon shift. Perhaps both.

Regardless it's not something I like. And it's not something I can fix, either.

[powerfulcheese04]

Hey Bob,

I've had a really crappy day. Which is kind of amazing because I've only left my apartment for about 10 minutes.

I woke up this morning to a string of e-mails about my Africa trip where everything is thrown all on its head. I'm no longer staying in Lilongwe, the capital city, in a house with a doctor. Instead, I'm helping to train people in government hospitals in Northern Malawi how to use rapid HIV diagnosis (aka Blood Spot PCR). The project sounds really cool, but now I'm all freaked out because I feel like nobody knows anything for sure about where I'll be... and THEY'RE SENDING ME TO AFRICA!

Also, I did not sign up for rural Africa. I signed up for major city where I work in a 1st world medical facility. Where if something happened to me, I would have the same standard of care that I would get at home. But, now, that's much less certain.

And I just feel like they aren't doing this right. Like they're not planning this the way I would plan an extended stay in a foreign country, or the way they would plan an extended stay of their own in a foreign country. Essentially, they're playing fast and loose with my safety. Not fair. Also, things keep getting more expensive as they change them on me. And they expect me to front the money for this. I hate that.



However, after a tearful phone call with my mom and a much calmer one with my dad, I feel a lot better. And it was weird for the phone call with dad to be the more comforting one. Mom was very "Aw, it'll be ok.." etc but Dad was more "We'll ask Yvette about x, and we'll do y, we can take care of z. And you need to stop worrying about this now because you need to finish your finals. We can freak out about this together next week when you're home."


But then some friends flaked on me for plans for tonight. And that sent me all weepy again. But that wouldn't normally bother me if I wasn't already super-high-strung today.

Thanks for listening, Bob.

[human.]

Hey Bob..

Have you ever been in one of those situations where you have friends on both sides? And no matter what you do.. or don't do.. you'll end up making one side angry?

And then.. when you try to do your best to cover up things and make people as happy as they can be.. you end up slowly losing one of your friends?

I don't know how to deal with it.. I get so worked up and emotional.. I don't know what or why I'm saying what I'm saying. It just comes out of me. I do have some self control though, luckily.

Thanks, Bob..

[Jayelle]

Bob,

I hate this situation. My friends are getting separated. I have no side to take, I have no idea what to say. I helped her move on Saturday and everyone acted all happy. It was this ridiculous big elephant in the room that nobody mentioned.
I have never been in a situation like this. I don't know what to do.

-JL

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Migraines suck. So do clogged sinuses. I hope tonight and the following morning is better than the last.

~Rei

[Guest]

Dear Bob...

Well. It was fun while it lasted. The whole "all good things" routine, you know the drill.

Although, it would have been nice to have even just a day or so of notice that I was going to be laid off, and not just catching me as I'm leaving, as I'm walking out the door, to tell me in passing that you're downsizing and that I'm being let go. Y'know, give me more than a few minutes to pack up my s*** and leave the premises while you watch over my shoulder, as if in a rage, I'm going to destroy or steal something - which I wouldn't have any motive to do, if you'd had the goddamn human decency to let me know about it instead of waiting until the DAY OF. I didn't miss a single day of work in the 8 months I was there, never late, never left early, never screwed anything up... And in return, I get 10 minutes notice and a plain white cardboard box to pack my stuff in. "Thanks for the time you've given us in return for a moderate hourly wage, time you'll never get back in your entire life; here's a box - now pack up your s*** and get out. Gimme your ID badge and passkey. Nice knowin' ya."

Bob... should I be concerned if, even with the obvious reasons I should be angry, I don't feel anything at all? Should I worry that I don't really care? Is it serenity or just apathy? Am I "okay" with it, or is something wrong with me?

[Young Val]

well. last night a bunch of us all went out for drinks after work, bob. eventually it dwindled down to just me and my boss. you know. the one who confessed his love for me.


and then kissed me (which i didn't want and was NOT prepared for). and tried to get me to go home with him.

and i wouldn't and didn't. he is not very happy with me right now.

i've worked at Writers House for, what? all of five seconds?!?!?!?!?!?!


will someone please sit me the f*** down and explain to me what exactly it is that i keep doing wrong?