Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Young Val]

dear bob,

well. tonight was worse than i imagined it would be.


and that's saying something.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I can hear, and have heard and personally made, the comparisons now.Attention whore. Drama queen. I won't mention the names of the two people who come to mind, but for most people, that's not needed anyway.

I make no secret of the fact that I'm often quite miserable. A lot of it being a state of mind, but some of it is legitimately outside of my control, bad luck type stuff.

I was having a particularly bad day a few weeks back. Knowing if I told a Pwebber there was a good chance I'd be stopped, I decided to act first. Before I wisened up.

For three and a half years, I've poured myself into this site and the people I met through it. Not as long as some, but meaningful nonetheless. And for better or for worse, when I love something or someone, in any sense of the word, I give it all of me...all I ever have to offer I give.

That day, a few weeks ago, I felt like I was getting the raw end of the deal. I gave and gave and gave, and got so little in return. Maybe my standards and expectations are too high. Maybe all I'm really doing is holding my breath, waiting for someone I love to show the first signs of weakness, so I can feel justified in telling them "I knew you were going to f*** up, just like everyone else!"

Whatever the case may be, one by one, people have let me down. The site, somehow, let me down. So I did the only thing that felt right. I felt empty, hollow, alone, spent, spread thin. The only thing that made sense was to reclaim all the time, energy, love, attention, care I had invested. Maybe, just maybe if I took it back, I'd be closer to whole again.

Maybe that consistent ache that I have would go away. Maybe that peace that no one has been able to give me for longer than a phone call here or there would finally come.

Of course it solved nothing.

So here I am. The new year has just begun and I'm sitting at a computer that belongs to my ex-boyfriend, in his home,and not for the first time wondering what the hell possessed me to come back here.

Happy 2007, Bob. If it's in your heart to do so, wish me a good year. Hope along with this hopelessly hopeful soul that this is the year when things finally turn around for good.

[Miss Abbie]

Dear Bob,

I have to be out of the house in two and a half hours and I really wanted to get some sleep tonight.

This woman that I talk to sometimes made me come up with a resolution this year. I decided on trying to not be afraid of people anymore. I don't know why. Probably because I know it's hopeless from the start. On some days I want to count how many things I don't say because I am afraid of people. Just to be ashamed of myself and how stupid I am, I guess. It's just that I don't have very much going for me--I'm not funny, I'm not outgoing, I can't dance for my life, I have this stupid, manly voice, I'm not pretty. I guess that if I don't say anything, people will just think I'm, you know, boring. You can't hate boring people, can you? I mean, they're sometimes obnoxious, but quiet and boring, that's not awful, is it? No one really cares about the things I say, so why say anything at all?

Right?

I'm going back to school and to all the people in a few hours.

I want Dwayne.

[wizzard]

Dear Bob,

I'm just checking in real quick, I'm still on vacation and have very restricted internet time.

I've never lived anyone else before, and it's really weird feeling a bit homesick for somewhere else when I'm "home" right now. It's a bit weird and discocerting.

Oh well, happy new year everyone, especially Alea. I hope things go well this year.

[Mahatma]

Dear Bob,

I'm scared. I'm excited, but I'm scared. I'm more attached now -- to people, to places -- than I was five years ago. I'm also going to be gone 5 months longer. What if I can't do it? What if I actually get homesick? I've never been homesick before, but I've never really felt like I belonged before like I do now. I've never been truly happy when I left somewhere before like I am now. I'm happy here now, and I'm leaving.

I'm not saying I don't want to go, Bob. I do, more than anything else -- anything realistic, anyway. I'm just saying that I've done a pretty good job convincing people that I'll be fine and I won't get homesick, but I haven't quite convinced myself.

At least four of my friends are graduating in May, and I'll miss it. Several of my friends are turning 21 in the spring, and I'll miss all of it. There are five days between my returning from Europe and my best friend's leaving for Australia, Bob. Five (5). Can I freaking handle that, Bob?

The worst thing, though, is that my dad is taking me to the airport. When they took me to the airport for Norway, my dad bawled like baby, and that was only for a month. He's used to me being gone now, but not for 6 months. He's going to cry, and I can't handle that. I hate hate hate seeing my dad cry, because he almost never does. It's horrible, and I don't know how I'm going to handle that, especially if my mom doesn't come with us. How do I handle that, Bob?

I have less rational fears too. What if my Spanish sucks? What if my family can't understand me? What if something goes wrong with my thesis? What if I'm so shy I can't make any friends? What if my family takes one look at me and thinks, "Oh great, another fat, lazy American"?

I can do it, Bob. I know I can. I have to. I'm just scared is all.

[fawkes]

Dear Bob,

I'm tired of school. Utterly tired. I don't want to go back, ever. I think, come friday, I'm going to go to the nearest Walgreens, and ask for a job. I'm only waiting that long because none of the f****** sidewalks are cleard, and I don't feel like hiking through the snow only to get soaked to the hip before I ask the manager for an aplication. Somehow, I think this would make a bad impression. That's it, though. I'm done with school... Until next fall, maybe. Or summer. I just don't want to deal with it this semester. I might sign up for an art class, but that's it.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

This year was supposed to END. It was a bad year in which far too many people I knew died. I'm not supposed to be going to ANOTHER funeral. Sad.

[/u]

[shadow-petra]

Bob!

I got my permit!! woo!!! i only drove once on monday but who cares, i can drive!

......will be able to drive!!!

[zeroguy]

Dear Bob,

EL just reminded me that it feels like a lot of people I knew suddenly died this year. I mean.... nobody really close or anything, but it still feels sad. And kinda creepy when the numbers start to climb to double digits within a few months.

I don't remember knowing anyone who has died before last year (except elderly relatives, but that was a decade ago), so it seems like it just happened all of a sudden. Makes me feel older, of all things. (Like, suddenly I know of a lot of people that I can say "Oh, you didn't hear? They died last year.")

-me

[lovesonia]

Dear Bob:

.........

I want to scream. And scream. Then scream some more.

What. The. f***.

Webs, anchors, phone calls at two in the morning and general making me feel like I have nothing, no place, no one.

Here I was, thinking things might actually be okay for a while. That things might get better. That I might have a place, to make mean something to me, that I could do something with. Make something of myself and my life. But I'm back to square one, with no steps to take that are, or might eventually be, stable.

Still, I don't belong.

I want to go HOME. If I go home, things will be the same. No place to go. Nothing to make of myself. I'll have some of the people that will forever be a part of me, of who I am. I'll feel closer to whole, while at the same time feeling less whole because of what I'm leaving behind. Life will be as dead-ended there as it has been here.

Do I have a home that can eventually be what I want it to be, or take me where I want to go, to do the things I want to do? No.

What am I to do? Suck it up and deal with the dead-end? Keep trying to find something/some place?

I've never thought I'd be one to suck at life. I had plans. Damn good plans. Realistic plans. But every time I get one step closer something happens and I fall back four steps. My conclusion: I am one of them. I suck at life.

I want this to be done with. I want it to be resolved. I want to know where I stand in my own life. I want to know if there's any good reason I should continue. Why can't I give up, like so many have, and be done with the endless struggle? There's no way to win.

.............

What. The. f***.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I swear my room is haunted by a bed-rearranging-ghost. Once I went away for a night and when I came back my duvet was turned the opposite direction from when I left it. On a previous occasion I had just gotten some new posters and hadn't time to hang them yet, so I laid them out flat on my bed and when I came back later they were scrunched and one of them had a slight tear in it. I asked my room mate about that and he said he had no clue and I generally trust him, although it is weird. And then, when I left for holidays I had left my bed neatly made so it would be nice to come back to. I went to go to bed and the flat sheet was on top of the duvet, and the duvet was turned the wrong direction again! I don't get it, Bob! I really don't get it!

~Rei

[Jayelle]

Rei, I think your roommate may have some spainin' to do... or roommates friends?

[Rei]

I'm more likely to suspect his friends... Either way, I have no clue what people could have to do with my bed that it is being remade so drastically that they can turn the entire duvet around backwards. Well, no. I do have a clue. One that would leave me feeling a tad less than amiable if it were the case.

[Eaquae Legit]

Still, at least no one has yet vomited on their tshirt and stuffed it down the side of your bed in a drunken stupor, for you to find some days later.

At least there's that.

[Rei]

*checks*

I found a dime instead, so yes, it seems there still is that.

[RoyalMother]

Dear diary,

Yesterday REALLY REALLY SUCKED. The next 2 weeks are going to suck even more. Stupid mistakes, stupid payroll. I have no idea what we will do.

But some nice girl helped make my day better by reminding me I am LUCKY and BLESSED with a WONDERFULLY loving family.

[luminousnerd]

Dear dad,
You are a god damn mother f****** a******. You constantly accuse me of not taking responsibility for my actions. And it's always bullshit. I am always very apologetic when I do something wrong. But when you do something wrong, your words are "I had nothing to do with it". YOU LOCKED ME IN A f****** CAR YOU RETARD! I AM CLAUSTROPHOBIC, BUT I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO f****** BUSY WITH YOUR OWN GOD DAMN LIFE TO CARE ABOUT MINE. And when I come out of the car angry and shaking, you're mad at me? That's my problem? You come out swearing at me? But if I swear at you, that's an unforgivable sin, I'd be punished in the worst possible means, you'd attack me like you always do when you get angry, and then you'd take away my books, my computer, my phone, and my car and tell me I can have them back when I shovel the snow out of the yard and back into it twelve times. You f****** no-good bastard dickweed. I f****** hate you.

You're a s***** and I hope you die soon.

I hate you, a******.

P.S. The apology doesn't change a damn thing.

[Oliver Dale]

Hiya Bob,

Just a quick explanation of where I've been. I know, I haven't been around much lately. I won't be for another month or two either (unless summoned, which happens from time to time).

I got a job.

I wasn't even looking for it, someone just called me up and offered the medical physics position to me. After I said no three different times, to three different people, I finally agreed to fly out and see it. And it's the job I've always wanted, only I don't have to finish my PhD to get it. We're talking low six-figures for 40 hours a week, with lots of room for growth.

So I'm dropping out of school and quitting my job to move my life. I'm excited about it but also feeling a bit stressed about it. Anyway, that's where I've been. Hopefully everything will settle again soon.

[fawkes]

Dear Bob,

Sometime I hate being a girl. Ow.

[zeroguy]

(Pseudo-confession, even though this is the wrong thread: for some reason the phrase "medical physics" seemed really strange to me. Looking it up, it is exactly what it sounds like it should be. I don't know why that confused me.) Congratulations, Ollie, by the way.

Dear Bob,

I am a minimalist.

At least, I think so. Just thinking about it a few minutes ago, I realized a theme of minimalism seems to permeate nearly every aspect of my life that I can think of at the moment.

It started in thinking about computer interfaces, and how I tend to dislike more complex "bundled" programs, and prefer the older Unix-style single-role command line tools. I dislike most GUIs, and possibly even interfaces in general. Just having a program run based on it's command line arguments is much preferred, both by a user and developer point of view. And, while some people argue over KDE vs GNOME, I use neither.

In computer hardware, as well, I tend to have little. People I know of comparable technical skill to mine often have several machines running various services, or run personal websites/blogs/whatever. I've almost always had only one machine I actually use. I have no personal site of significance, and I have no blog. (No facebook/LJ/xanga/myspace/whatever, either.) This is the only forum I frequent.

In cuisine, my favorite food is bread, or possibly various kinds of cheese (steamed rice is good, too). My drink of choice is water. This has been true for some time, but I never thought much of it. I am also skinny, if that means anything.

In music, I am a keyboard percussionist, but the music I like to play are avant-garde minimalist pieces. I think they are the best for listening, too (well, some of them), but other classical can be good, too. My favorite composer (so far) is Vivaldi, though; his styles don't strike me as minimalist, but I don't know much about classical/baroque styles, so I can't really say.

In conversation, I tend to say little. On pweb, this post is a rarity in length.

In basic philosophy, I avoid excess. I do not desire money, or material posessions beyond what I have always been given without asking (which is, admittedly, a lot compared to many places, but still, other kids are always asking for crap). I dislike receiving and giving gifts on holidays. Intensely.

I do not watch any TV. (I once did, and thus know a lot about the Simpsons, but no more.) I do not miss it at all.

I do not like having a cell phone, or carrying things on my person in general. The only things I can remember actually having missed have been my wallet (mostly for identification purposes rather than having money, though that could also be a concern in some situations), my keys, and some kind of container for water.

In interpersonal relations, though I had a lot of friends in high school, I went to a university where I knew two people (only one of which I even talk to anymore). I'm not entirely sure why I did that, but it might have been to just get away from knowing so many people, either due to antisocial tendencies or because I just couldn't keep track of them all. At the same time, I tend to be a very private person, as most people here probably know.

Even when it comes to basic thought and knowledge, I am of the belief/school of thought (I think it's a Taoist idea?) that knowing and thinking less is more beneficial to my general well-being in general. (Exceptions apply, of course.) Thusly, I refuse to get involved in most arguments or even inquiries about religion, philosophy, or politics.

Am I a Nihilist, Bob? Ascetic? Taoist, Buddhist, mere Solipsist, what? For now, I will settle for minimalist, although that word is too damn long.

-me

Edit: For not having an LJ, this sounded a lot like a whiny, emo LJ post.

[AnthonyByakko]

Zero, you have no idea.

[wizzard]

Dear Bob,

I just wandered over into the Ender Novels section. There were quite a few people there that I've never seen before. That was weird.

Also, major grats to Ollie

That is all.

[Firegirl]

Dear Bob,
I am wondering what I am doing with my life is right for me? Sure I have a plan on what I want to do, but I really don't know what I am going to do. The major changes in my life really have not helped either, for instance, a month and a half ago I had to leave my home, because if I had remained in that situation I could have been very much physically hurt. It's hard coming to terms with the reality that I don't have a home, luckily I have a place to live, but it is not the same.
The funny thing is that my college now has become my anchor for the last normal thing in the world that is the same still.

Firegirl

[Miss Abbie]

Dear Bob,

I wrote you something long and boring.

The bottom line is that I loved tonight. Everything... I felt so safe and special. I felt like people wanted to be with me, like they weren't just taking my presence for granted.

For once.

[Young Val]

belated congrats to Ollie.


dear bob,

i too have a potential life-changing job, if not firmly in my grasp, then definitely within reach. 12 weeks as an intern for writer's house (can we say Neil Gaiman's agency?) and then--the magic words--guarenteed job placement. 12 weeks of UTTER hell and p.o.v.e.r.t.y. but then.... career! brilliant, lovely, comes-with-health-and-dental-and-other-such-benefits CAREER. in PUBLISHING. and they WANT me. they are FIGHTING for me. 12 weeks and if things carry on, i'll pretty much have my pick of houses to work for. have the last two years of menial temp jobs and misery been worth it? can this actually be happening? get through the next 12 weeks first.

for the first time since the break up in september, henry and i bumped into each other unplanned. just a total spot-each-other-on-the-street moment.

Sally: Sure you're OK?
Harry: Oh I'm fine. Look, it had to happen at some point; In a city of eight million people you're bound to run into your [ex]. so boom, it happened... And now I'm fine...

let's just say it was horrid.


i don't know what to right anymore.


going to watch Angel and cry myself to sleep now.

[Jayelle]

Potential to meet Neil?? I would die.

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

Jorge Cham is coming to my campus!

[fawkes]

Dear Bob,

My dog just puked all over my leg. I feel sick.

[Fris]

Hey Bob,

I need to move some place where it rains all the time. Just thought you should know.

[Claire]

I'm in a really bad mood right now. In the last two days I sat through 8 hours of classes. I've finally decided on what classes I want to take, so this afternoon I went to the bookstore to buy my books.

My books this semester are costing me over $400.

WHAT. The. f***! This can't be justified when the tuition is ALREADY so freaking high. I hate money.

[Rei]

Until very recently, Fris, I would have advised Vancouver. Apparently I need to re-think that position, now, though.

[zeroguy]

so this afternoon I went to the bookstore to buy my books.

My books this semester are costing me over $400.

That's because you're buying them from the bookstore.... (that is, if it's one of those University textbook bookstores; the ones that charge insanely highly for textbooks).

[Firegirl]

Dear Bob,
Have you Ever Had one of those moments after someone says something when you just sober up (cool down) and think about the implications of what you are about to/or wanting to do? I have one of those moments today, it freaked the hades out of me. I had never thought of the situation that way with that person i.e. additional requirements and wanting the same thing. He sort of shocked me, in that he was logically thinking when I would least expect a person to think with any logic or reason. I will just have to talk with him about the situation sometime.

perplexed and frustrated,
Firegirl

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,
It's 4:45pm and I'm just barely getting around to my lunch, which may as well be my dinner. This week has been so hectic, and long, and demanding, that I've had just enough time to be online for school related things (such as retrieving work email) and little else.

And you know what? A certain part of me likes it. A lot. I'd forgotten what it was like to be truly busy and not with a person, but with things and people. Not to say I like not having the opportunity to talk to a few of my favorite Pwebbers. I miss a few.



Um, yeah. It's been a while and I've forgotten how to Bob, apparently; I feel somewhat awkward.

[Yebra]

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