Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[starlooker]

::big, huge, warm hugs::

I'm so, so, so sorry. I got teary reading that. I hope the vet can give you something to help, and good advice.

[Luet]

*lots of hugs*

I'm so sorry Teresa. I really can't imagine. I hope you and your puppy can find peace soon.

[LilBee91]

<hugs>

[Petra456]

*hugs*

I'm so, so sorry Teresa : (

[Young Val]

:::hugs Teresa:::

My thoughts are with you and your pup.

[steph]

Wishing you some good days and happy memories.

[thoughtreader]

Thanks everyone.
We are both doing better today. I went to the vet and got Cleo a cone of shame, she hates it but its for her own good. We also got some antibiotic spray to help her tail heal. With the cone on I am able to take the bandage off and its already drying out and looking better. She hasn't been trying to get at it so hopefully that means it feeling better. Chris let me buy the spray even though it was a expensive "just for my sanity"

I'm doing better because she is doing better.

Thanks again for all the hugs

[Jayelle]

Hey Bob,

Remember a couple months ago when my Grandma died? Yeah, well one of the pins I took from her jewelry box was a poppy for Remembrance Day. I put it on my jacket last night and somewhere between home and the library this morning, it went missing. I'm so upset. I had planned to wear it every year and now it's gone on the first day I tried to wear it.

-JL

[steph]

Hey Bob,

Remember a couple months ago when my Grandma died? Yeah, well one of the pins I took from her jewelry box was a poppy for Remembrance Day. I put it on my jacket last night and somewhere between home and the library this morning, it went missing. I'm so upset. I had planned to wear it every year and now it's gone on the first day I tried to wear it.

-JL

*Hugs*

[Rei]

*big hugs for Jan*

[Gravity Defier]

Dear Bob,

A person or two might recognize what I'm about to say from earlier today, others may find it uncomfortable to peer into my inner thoughts, others may not care, and others yet might consider it a rehash of things once said long or not so long ago, possibly many times over. But I'll say it all (again) anyway.

I am sick.

Or I have an illness and unfortunately for me, it's not the physical, "acceptable" kind. Background on all this, for those who don't know or don't remember, on my mother's side of the family, my grandmother and my mother both have (and currently do) take medication for anxiety and my cousin does for, I think, depression or bipolar. On my dad's side, my aunt has attempted suicide three or four times and has an on-again, off-again relationship with her medication for I'm not sure what mental illness.

Now, I'm going to make comments about my dad's behavior but I don't want to suggest it's his fault I think admitting I have mental issues is unacceptable. I got that impression more from myself than anyone else. He has, in the past, made comments about my aunt, his sister, and that gave me a certain idea about how he might view things of this nature. But he has also made comments to me about possibly being sick and wanting me to get help if I was. Mostly this was three years ago and after I insisted, out of shame, that I was okay, he let it drop. I think it's just as scary for him to face as it is for me.

Either way, somehow, at some point, in some way, I let myself, without needing much help from others, think that there is something to be ashamed about and that fault/blame could be placed on me for it. A rather large part of me thinks, present tense, that if I were stronger, tried harder, told myself nicer, better things, all would be okay. I can think my way out of it and heal myself with the aid of some inspirational quotes, songs, and images. The Collage Treatment. This is a part of what I call Lizard Brain, albeit an advanced portion of it.

Lizard Brain is that most basic part of the brain that reacts, usually irrationally and usually to anger or fear, and then justifies and reasons and makes excuses after the fact.

Then there is the part of me, the smaller, still scared but more reasonable part, that knows I can't get away with not getting professional help. I've even made attempts in the past to receive help, as some may recall.

Under the first person I saw, it was determined I had situational depression, there was no need for medication, and although my situation wasn't changing anytime soon, they felt I had mastered coping skills after, in my opinion, an altogether too short time and they sent me on my way saying there was nothing left to be done. Now, I say it was too short a time to make real change now but at the time, I did feel good after the fact. REALLY good. Like I would never come down again good. Like I could do anything good. But that lasted for a few days, tops, after each session and then I'd wonder why I couldn't hang onto it at that level but hey, don't panic! If I panic, I'll worry myself unnecessarily back into the bad and things are still good, even if they're no longer Good and as long as that's the case, I may still be able to stay out of Bad.

Lizard Brain was content with the fact that I made the attempt, even if I knew, on some level, that it wasn't good enough. Whenever Other Brain started to raise this objection, Lizard Brain replied with a hardy "Baby steps, baby steps. We tried, let's worry about all this later."

That was in late 2009 and early 2010. Fast forward to the end of 2010 and things were once again getting to that point where it felt like it couldn't be ignored. I starting seeing a second person and he was amazing. He was also cleared for insurance purposes and after way too few sessions, un-cleared. It went from affordable, $20/session copay, to outrageous, $155/session copay.

We talked, he asked me questions, I talked, he asked more questions and at the end of the fourth session, I believe, he told me what I had been telling him sounded so much like bipolar. He added that it was likely rapid cycle, given my ability to have very minor manias and very quickly thereafter find myself in a depression. A cycle. Happy, content, motivated, energetic, on top of the world. Crash. Boom. Tired, lethargic, don't want to get out of bed, why do people love me. The depression always lasts longer.

Not only those overall cycles, that can span days or weeks, but the others, too. Within a day. The over-reactions to the actions of others and how wildly and drastically my moods would swing as a result. On top of this, a very distinctive, very regular depressive phase that started within a week of my period. I have no doubts that if I took the time to pour over chat logs with zero, I'd find predictably more aggressive, unkind, unhappy behavior within a week of it. The blowup last week would fit within that time period.

There's a certain amount of paranoia, too, that usually manifests as "People don't really love me, they have no reason to love me. They just say they do to be kind, because they pity me." Concern and affection becomes pity. I do not fish for compliments, I do not say things in the hopes people will disagree and I wouldn't do that because I know I wouldn't believe what they'd say. I'd then be pouring energy into proving them wrong and having that conversation in the first place would draw attention to something I don't want being paid attention. In a way, hearing from Pwebbers that I am loved, that I am appreciated is much harder to handle than hearing I'm disliked. I'm not trying to doubt but my own belief that I am not worth any of that is so much stronger.

After last week, there was some genuine concern for my well-being, which I could not understand the first day. There was still so much anger, so much need to justify and reason and the more I tried, the more people felt concerned, which added to the anger.

By the second day, it was like a switch was flipped. I wasn't completely over anything but I was over enough that I could not only see where and how I was wrong, I felt, as I still do, immensely guilty and sorry and awful. But the concern started looking like pity a bit and I didn't know how to handle that. And people were kindly, gently telling me I should seek help and I didn't disagree, I wasn't offended, but I felt really ashamed (nothing to do with them) and embarrassed. They kept being so kind and loving, too. The guilt and the sorrow got bigger.

I got to take a break from it. I got to leave AZ for a day to go see Adam, to meet Renee (well, and Adam, too, I suppose - I really loved both; they're wonderful people), to try on my groomsmaid dress, to escape the norm, to let Lizard Brain have one last ditch attempt to justify and excuse and reason away...only Other Brain wasn't buying it and didn't understand why Lizard Brain even had to try.

Emotions were up and down, are up and down; feeling detached and thus at peace, then depressed, full of regret, feeling like a failure. I hurt people I care about. It's one thing to hurt me, to let myself be not okay, but I'm not living in a vacuum. Understand, Lizard Brain thinks I'm a high-functioning mentally ill person and doesn't have much issue with not taking care of things for my sake. Other Brain understands, just a bit, that I need to take care of me. Other Brain, however, is much more concerned with how my actions affect others.

I scheduled an appointment with not just a therapist but the psychiatric kind; the kind that can and probably will try to medicate.

I am terrified. I don't want to say I wasn't trying to fix myself before but I will say I wasn't fighting as much as I could to get more help when I needed it. I'm going to a psychiatrist as a way to hold myself accountable and to try to prevent future half-assed attempts.

Things I am scared of:
-Being told the only thing wrong with me is that I'm too stupid and horrible a person to function and that my brain is otherwise fine
-On the flip side, being told there's so much wrong with me, I can't be fixed
-Getting help and not becoming a better/different person
-Getting help will make things worse
-Losing the parts about myself that I actually do like
-Having to tell one more person my life history
-The process of tweaking prescriptions to get it Just Right
-The possible side effects of prescriptions
-Talking myself out of thinking the money this will cost is worth the outcome
-Losing friends over lost patience, theirs or mine, while I learn to deal with this
-Having to go through this alone
-Being told my symptoms and/or I am somehow wrong (not sure what I mean exactly but the fear is there)
-That I'll hurt people who are trying to help
-That I'm still seeing things in the wrong light

So there's that. More or less. Less, honestly, but the more is hard to work out and make understandable, even to me. "FEAR" covers it.

I don't know what to do about Pweb. I meant it when I said I wasn't leaving to avoid taking responsibility; I would like to make things right, however I can and I know I'd be wary of people blindly trusting me without making me earn it back. I don't trust myself as of yet and the thinking was/is mandatory break until my appointment. That is in December. That is the soonest I could get in. But I miss you all, at least the ones I haven't spent almost all my "free" time at work emailing. I also feel like the biggest idiot ever for crying wolf with the "never coming back" talk. That I have done before. That I wish I would stop doing.

I just feel like a let-down.

But I'm getting help.

[mr_thebrain]

*hugs for alea* hang in there! you know whenever you're ready pweb will take you back with open arms, whether you like it or not. heck, i was just happy to see this post.

I also feel like the biggest idiot ever for crying wolf with the "never coming back" talk. That I have done before. That I wish I would stop doing.

yeah, you totally pulled a chibi-ouanda or however her sn was spelled. man, that girl announced she was leaving pweb forever just about every month.

[neo-dragon]

*hugs for alea* hang in there! you know whenever you're ready pweb will take you back with open arms, whether you like it or not. heck, i was just happy to see this post.

My sentiments exactly.

I think I speak for everyone here when I say that we want you to be happy and healthy and we're willing to be patient and supportive while you do whatever you need to do to get there.

[Confessions]

dear bob

i need the screaming in my head to stop

doctor appointment soon... soon... if only i had any confidence it'd help

[Gravity Defier]

yeah, you totally pulled a chibi-ouanda or however her sn was spelled. man, that girl announced she was leaving pweb forever just about every month.

I want to protest but that is more than fair (though, I'll just point out that she did manage to say it enough for it to eventually stick...so, ya know, maybe if I keep trying). I'm going to say an unkind thing but when she was active, I disliked her greatly and even then I recognized it was because she reminded me so much of myself. Currently I have a great amount of sympathy but it took years for me to get to that point.



Anyhow, I don't want to pretend I'm feeling all better (as far as depression stuff is concerned - I had a whole longer post written but decided against further making myself feel exposed there for the time being) but if it's okay, since feeling kind of s***** was always easier to cope with when I had Pweb around, I think I'm going to try jumping back in. With rules, of course. Rules being I'm not allowed in/near Meta at least until December, after the appointment. If I, or anyone else, notices the anger creeping out again, automatic break time again until I feel better or until the appointment; whichever comes first and I'll ask for a temporary mod ban to make sure it sticks. If anyone, at any point, doesn't want me here, they can let me know in private, in public, directly or via Confessions and without an argument, I will leave again - I still feel like a jackass, so it won't take much to spook me. Sound fair?

[Luet]

You aren't going to get an argument from me but I don't think you expected one. *hugs*

[Gravity Defier]

From you? No. At all? Kind of. I keep cringing when I sign in because I'm expecting a pop-up window/PM alert. I feel a bit awkward, truth be told.

I also had to laugh. The part of me that I'm not sure if I take seriously or not, the part that believes in signs a bit, was delivered a rather nice one from the Universe this morning. In the middle of trying to catch up and reply, my internet at home cut out. How's that for an "Alea, shut up"? :)

[Gravity Defier]

And double but I don't care. (Only, I do.)

Bob,

I reached another milestone today in the Chicago Saga: I got my first rejection "letter."

So, that was fun.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

He's got a job interview tomorrow. This is the first call back he's had in awhile. I am almost in tears, I am so happy. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. We've been here before, and we don't know the pay, etc. But, still. It's the first hopefulness we've had cash-flow wise for some time. My parents helped us out, so we're good for this month and next month's rent, if we're careful. But if we could just get to our feet this month, oh my God, it would be such a huge, huge relief.

It's hard not to get too hopeful. But we have to catch a break sometime, right?

Please?

[Dr. Mobius]

*crosses fingers, toes and eyes for Donny*

[Petra456]

*crosses fingers*

Sending good luck wishes to you two!!!

[starlooker]

Thank you. And so many thank yous to everyone who has been praying for us and hoping for us. It really means a lot to me.

Donny just got home from the interview. It sounds like it went well, the pay is what he'd asked for, and it sounds like the company is doing good business. There would be a lot of overtime involved, so I would not get to see my husband near as much, but that would sure help us out, money-wise.

I don't know when to expect we'll hear back. Hoping for early next week.

I'm hopeful and scared.

[buckshot]

Hi'Bob! I just got off the phone with our oldest Vicki, she says she's getting a divorce ! I had no idea, they live about 500 yards away from us. I see the grandkids almost every day and I see my son in law Scott often. I knew they argued and knew there was friction over him being so wrapped up with both sides of his fairly unusual family(im being kind here). So anyhow I'm asked to help move her out this week to some apartment in town and I know nothing about how the kids will handle school ( the bus drops the kids here often) in fact no one is telling me s*** and I will get fed up! I feel stuck in the middle as Scott has been a friend for years and has worked for us at the farm and at the feed mill for quite a while before he got a job for the county. It gets worse the more I think about it since we farm 340 acres for Scotts dad and grandma. I hope that all works out and I would expect it would since they have been great neighbors for over twenty years but like I say they are a little "claney" and warlike internally. I'd like to wake in a few hours and have all this be a bad dream , I had planned to fly to Chino this week to look at a old plane I may still. Goodnight Bob.

[Luet]

I'm so sorry Buckshot. Family drama is so stressful. And it's terrible that the kids are the ones that usually pay the price in a divorce. At least they have you and your wife to provide some stability through this whole thing. I really hope things go as well as possible. *hugs*

[thoughtreader]

Dear bob,
So I have a wonderful husband, he was able to talk to his family and Cleo is aloud in the whole house again.
I feel I reacted badly to his mom and sister coming in the house and demanding that Cleo be locked in a room alone.... If they had come in and said that we need to fins away to keep the baby from touching Cleo and what can we do. I would have suggested keeping her on a leash in the room with us and making sure the baby doesn't come over to her. But instead I was ganged up on and told my sick dog had to be locked away for a week!
But anyway all is better, I haven't heard anything about Cleo being in a room with the baby and yeah its much better.
So now onto how cleo is doing.... She is slowing down and not eating her dog food much, and her belly seems swollen. I called the Vet and she said we could bring her in and run test and take X-rays but its most likely not going to tell us much or change anything. So she wouldn't change anything even if we did all that. So She said keep her at home and and feed her whatever she will eat. So I made she chicken, carrots, and rice in a thick broth that I would eat in heart beat if I added some salt and pepper. So she is eating more again:) I really like this vet, I wish I met her under better circumstances.
Anyhoo
Things are better
Teresa

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Number of times Mom's boyfriend has gotten angry enough to throw various items across the room tonight: 2
Number of times I've been grateful to be in my room tonight: 2
Number of times tonight I've wished Mom would find someone else or just be alone: 2

[LilBee91]

*hugs for Alea*

Bob,
My brother is probably going to get divorced soon (not the father of the adorable nephew--they're doing spectacularly). I want to help him out, but I don't know how. I just want him to be happy.

And the whole thing makes me rather paranoid about ever getting married. I know that other couples not making it has absolutely no bearing on whether my future marriage does or not, but it still worries me. This is closer than I ever wanted to be to a divorce and it sucks.

[Luet]

Bob,
Things are progressing well with the potential new house. We are getting an inspection done on Thursday. But as things move along I'm getting more and more nervous about the lack of interest in our mobile home. We need to sell it by the time our first mortgage payment would be due, which I'm told would be around February 1. We have shown the trailer twice but haven't heard back from either interested party. It's only been for sale for a couple weeks and we are lowering the price today by a bit to hopefully get some more interest. I woke up during the night feeling really anxious about it. It's such a weird mix of excitement about the new house and terror about having to sell our current home. On a side note, I'm having very resentful feelings about my mom lately which makes it hard to be around her. Hrmph.

[Mich]

Finally did it, Bob.

Finally emailed Fred Meyer and gave them a piece of my mind.

Why, oh, why do they not stock the large bags of Juanita's Fine Tortilla chips, aka Lard Chips, aka the greatest tortilla chips on the planet? Why?

Well, now they know that it's a problem. And it better be solved.

Soon.

[Gravity Defier]

And the whole thing makes me rather paranoid about ever getting married. I know that other couples not making it has absolutely no bearing on whether my future marriage does or not, but it still worries me.

Looks like you could use some hugs, yourself. *hugs for Shannon* I don't know how comforting this will be to hear, but hopefully it at least isn't scarring, but I sympathize so, so much with this. Obviously, it was hard for me when my parents got divorced but taking a step back, if I look at my combined 6 aunts and uncles from both sides, 5 of them have gotten divorced as well and the one who hasn't still cheated on their spouse, so it's hardly a roaring success. My oldest brother never could get the mother of my nieces to marry him, despite his really wanting that, but I guess it's good they didn't, as they split, too. (My other older brother is actually still married to his wife, which surprises the hell out of all of us.) My family's track record is so awful, I am terrified of ever making that decision for myself.

With that said, your future relationship is up to you and future Mr. Bee. Plenty of people come from families that have divorce somewhere and do just fine in their own marriages.

So, yeah. I totally get where you're coming from but if you can help it, try to keep reminding yourself of what you said about it having no bearing.

---------------------------------------

Nomi, I will sacrifice a part of my yard to the Realty Gods, to help get your place sold.

----------------------------------------

Jeff:




Right, I know. So much responding to stuff in here. But I was moved to respond to Shannon and just kept going.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My best friend since 7th grade's little boy (about 6, I think) has a liver tumor. Doing a biopsy tomorrow. Damn, but I wish there was something I could do besides wait and love them and pray.

Life is very unfair sometimes. In big, big ways.

[LilBee91]

Thanks, Alea. I know I shouldn't worry so much. I am very grateful that I have so many examples of marriages that do work, because they very much outweigh the ones that don't in my life.

*good wishes for Kirsten and best friend and son* I hope everything turns out okay.

[Petra456]

Bob,

About a year ago my best friend ended up getting job at her roommate's work. Her roommate is in HR and is in charge of hiring people. My best friend had me turn in an application even though they weren't hiring. Now they're hiring and I got a call from her old roommate saying she wants to interview me.

This is exciting because for the first time, I KNOW the person interviewing me. We get along really well and she knows i'm dependable. I'm still trying not to get my hopes up, but this could actually happen. I might actually get a break! I might get to get out of retail!

I'm so excited and hopeful it hurts!

[Wind Swept]

Hey Bob,

I stumbled across a job posting a few weeks ago that piqued my interest. I started updating my resume and my portfolio, then found myself with a project at my current job that was actually interesting and exciting and completely forgot about the job posting.

Just as I shipped the exciting project and found myself staring down a boring to-do list of boring death and boringness, I got a phone call at work from a recruiting agency in the cities that specializes in sniping talented people out of their existing jobs. He asked if I might be passively searching for better job opportunities, and I replied, "Sure."

He called me over lunch on Monday, and it turns out he's representing the same job I was eyeing up a few weeks ago, as they've been unable to fill the position.

I sent him my resume Tuesday morning. He called back around four with a few questions, but I was still at work, so he said he'd call back after six. I stared at my un-ringing phone all evening. Apparently his brother was having a baby.

He called back yesterday around nine, apologized, and said he'd call back over lunch. Nothing. I thought maybe he'd call after work. Nope.

It's been a frustrating few days.

[Gravity Defier]

The cities, as in MSP? Would you be willing to make that move (and be closer to your girlfriend's family ...but also closer to yours )?

All his somewhat flakiness set aside, if it's legit and sounds interesting to you, I wish you luck.