Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[thoughtreader]

Dear Bob,
It sucks having a cancer dog...
It sucks that she is going to die.
It sucks that I really can;t do anything to make it not happen.
It freaking sucks!!!!!!

But the prednisone is helping, she has only been on it for a day and her lymph nodes are shrinking

[Dr. Mobius]

Dear Bob,
It sucks having a cancer dog...
It sucks that she is going to die.
It sucks that I really can;t do anything to make it not happen.
It freaking sucks!!!!!!

But the prednisone is helping, she has only been on it for a day and her lymph nodes are shrinking

*hugs Resa and her poor dog*

ETA: Gah, why do my responses keep starting a new page? Added quote for context.

[VelvetElvis]

*hugs for Teresa*

[starlooker]

**hugs for Teresa**

**treats for puppy**

[LilBee91]

*hugs for Teresa and puppy*

[Gravity Defier]

I saw some positive at the end of that post. Let's focus on that if we can, okay?

*hugs for Teresa and C*

[Petra456]

*hugs for puppy*

She is seriously one of the cutest puppies ever!

[thoughtreader]

*hugs for puppy*

She is seriously one of the cutest puppies ever!

She really wanted to get in your trunk

[Wind Swept]

Hey Bobby,

My dreams just took a drastic shift from very grounded and based around my everyday life to really completely out there. I'm contributing it to starting another play through of Psychonauts.

[buckshot]

Dear Bob'
I came home frorm hunting last night to the wonderfull smells of a roast turkey and fresh baked bread and the subtle whiff of cinnamon and apples i know means Julie's pie . I toss my filthy clothes and boots in the corner and hang up my guns and beat feet on the trail to the kitchen, and Julie. My favorite ending to a hunting tale ever!

[thoughtreader]

Dear Bob'
I came home frorm hunting last night to the wonderfull smells of a roast turkey and fresh baked bread and the subtle whiff of cinnamon and apples i know means Julie's pie . I toss my filthy clothes and boots in the corner and hang up my guns and beat feet on the trail to the kitchen, and Julie. My favorite ending to a hunting tale ever!

Awesome day with an awesome end!

[VelvetElvis]

Hooray!

[steph]

Sounds awesome. I vote for the next pwebcon to be at Buckshot and Julie's place!

[Gravity Defier]

Will you actually go if it's there? Also, I don't think we can say "next" PwebCon. Portland was probably as close as we've gotten but I think double digits, at least, is required to be a Con. So far, they've been meet-ups or shindigs.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I've tried, for four weeks, lord knows I've tried, and I just can't get comfortable. I get angry, paranoid, defensive, and a slew of other negative feelings, and enough is enough.

I don't belong at Pweb right now -I feel pushed out, excluded, ignored, and mocked- and anyone trying to convince me otherwise is sweet, I'm touched, but they are ultimately wrong and I will be hurt over my feelings being brushed off.

I'm going to try, again, to take a LOA and would sincerely appreciate people not texting, FB PMing, IMing, calling, or emailing to say anything about it in any fashion. Contact me all you want about other stuff but nothing to do with the board. In fact, no responses in here about this post, please. Again, it's sweet and touching but it makes me feel guilty for wanting to take a very much needed breather. Please respect that.

Thanks. Love and all that,
Alea

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

So, I'm not having early morning panic attacks anymore, but I am crying pretty easily these past couple of days. Called the doctor to find out if we can keep our appointment if Medicaid doesn't go through. According to the first woman I talked to, not unless we paid our bill in full (which was several hundred dollars). Talked to a second woman who was really nice and put us on a payment plan that's very affordable and said of course I could keep my appointment. And I started to cry during the phone call, because I'm ashamed of not being able to afford this, and because she was being nice, and she told me not to, or she'd cry, and I said I'd be okay, and then hung up and cried hard for a while.

I am. Terribly ashamed. Of not keeping my job, of being in this position, of this whole big mess. Of not knowing how we're going to provide for our baby. Of being such an emotional wreck right now and not doing anything much with the time I have to myself.

Bob, this is really, really hard. I don't know what we're going to do.

[Luet]

*hugs Kirsten*

[starlooker]

*hugs*

Thanks. I'm feeling a little better at the moment. Went for a walk in the park. Watched Canada geese and some ducks when I had to sit on a bench. (Walking works my lower abs, and they object after a while.)

I don't know. Really, the important thing right now is that in a week, I'll have my ultrasound and doctor appointment and be able to see Little Bit again. (And know my baby's name.)

[steph]

Kirsten, I absolutely understand how you're feeling. I remember applying for medicaid while we were unemployed and living with my parents during my pregnancy with Tyler. It was a very hard and stressful time. Fortunately, I look back now and I feel no shame that we used the aid. We needed it. You need it. I'm proud of you for applying. (Have you applied for WIC? Free milk, cheese, peanut butter, juice, etc is also a huge help!)

(P.S. Yay for Canada geese instead of Canadian geese! Most people don't know the correct way. )

[Luet]

I do know that it's Canada Geese now (I mean, I'm a birder so I'd be in trouble if I didn't) but for years I didn't so I still slip up sometimes.

Oh, and we used WIC the whole time that I was growing up.

[steph]

I do know that it's Canada Geese now (I mean, I'm a birder so I'd be in trouble if I didn't) but for years I didn't so I still slip up sometimes.

I do, too! It's a hard habit to break completely.

Oh, and we used WIC the whole time that I was growing up.

Yay for WIC!

[Jayelle]

Kirsten, remember when I posted this when I was 6 months pregnant:

Bob,

I am too embarrassed (proud?) to admit it anywhere else online or in real life, but we used a food bank today. There's one on campus especially for students. I don't want my parents to find out, because I know they would worry.
It was amazing. I expected Paul to come home with a little bag of canned food or something, instead he came home with six bags of food. Cereal, crackers, tons of canned food, bread, milk, eggs... I cried when I saw it. We really, really needed that to help get us through. Now we can spend our meager funds on other necessities without stressing about our food situation.
To anyone who has ever donated to a food bank: Thank you. I never thought I would be in this situation, but I am and it's amazing to be able to just go and get some free food for our family for the month.

JL

I can relate. I can really relate. *hugs*

[starlooker]

Thank you all so, so, so much. I really appreciate your support/empathy. I can't tell you how much. Couldn't write and tell you yesterday, because I got all teary, but in a good way.

I'm just so scared right now, and so mixed up. I'm trying, though. I'll look into WIC today.

**hugs back**

P.S., I wrote "Canadian geese" in a post recently, and it just LOOKED wrong, so I looked it up and decided to start self-correcting

[mr_thebrain]

so, they hired a guy to replace me in my old position which means my new position will be full time soon.

last night i watched georgien's kids while she was at the store, it was my first time alone with them. it went fantastically! we had a great time. granted it was only for an hour, but i haven't ever had to take care of kids before so it was new to me. WOO!

Anna is still in the process of moving out. she's not actually living here anymore, but she comes over to antagonize me every day.

god i hope that ends soon!

[locke]

Bob,

it's been a crazy two (or is it three, I dunno) weeks at work since I was last able to post here. Weekend shifts, three shows shooting and we've had a change of supervisors that's left everyone on edge about their jobs. Not so much me, even though I was 'his guy'. At the same time our youngest editor foolishly left (right at the point where they were planning on offering him at least a $500 a week raise) which opens up a position for the guy that's an associate editor right above me and for me to move into that position. I've been encouraging the guy just above me to really step it up on the editing front, and this week he has been. that makes it more likely I might move into his position, which I'm obviously angling for if he is bumped up to jr editor.

Other stuff has been good, we've had our engagement session of photos and that went incredibly. Renee mentioned the other day she'd posted on here and I realized she'd posted more recently than I have, hah! if that isn't a sign that I need to find more pweb time, I don't know what is.

[VelvetElvis]

GAH.

Bob, today I am pulling out all of my hair and I want to scream at everyone to shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!! If you don't like the answer to the question you asked, then don't ask me! Especially don't ask me again! And don't agitate other people, because I swear to you that I will move just slow enough that they will have gotten a good slap in before I intervene.

[Luet]

Dear bob,
Very exciting weekend. We went to two open houses and looked at a third house today (first time ever!). The third house is the one we were really interested in and we loved it. A real estate agent met us there, not one selling the house but one that is helping us with the potential buying process. She said that it is a really great house for the price. It has been for sale by owner since June but only went on the market with agents this week, so it might go fast now. We are starting the mortgage application process tomorrow. I listed our mobile home for sale on craigslist this weekend and put up signs out front. This all seems to be happening so fast! But I'm really excited. About everything except the actual moving process. Not to mention potentially moving during the winter. I've been having a hard time sleeping at night because of all the racing thoughts.

[buckshot]

Hey Bob! Last night was the best! I just got back home from a big hunt trip and my youngest Maddie (my only girl hunter) wanted to go out to hunt for the evening on the farm . So we went out to my favorite blind and ( we always do our best talking when we hunt) had several decent bucks hanging around. Maddie only wants to shoot a deer when she really feels like it and after a raging cracker fight in the blind I spotted a REAL SHOOTER BUCK sticking his head out of the brush! He was in a tight spot to pull off a good shot on him and he was out of range for Maddie's iron sighted rifle and all I carried was my big 375 H&H Iused on my trip (I did'nt really plan to shoot) anyhow there was no time time to think or talk so the gallant old buck dropped in his tracks with thunder in his ears. I do have pic's but I don't want to offend anyone. Luet I hope you get your house ! thats always exciting!

[VelvetElvis]

Maybe link them instead of posting? I'm interested!

[Petra456]

Bob,

When I get stressed or nervous (or sometimes overly excited) I have to do this thing where i'll squeeze myself. Most of the time it'll just be me squeezing my hands really tight (until I can't stand it) or crossing my arms and squeezing. i'll also make a fist and push my knuckles into the soft spot between my shoulder and my collar bone. I remember a doctor that I was seeing when I was younger told me it's how I cope with stress/excitement.

Today, because i'm feeling so overwhelmed at work, I squeezed myself hard enough to cause pretty big, dark bruise in the soft spot between my shoulder and collar bone. It's been years since i've bruised myself doing this (last time I ended up bruising the skin over my jawbone).

I need a vacation. I hate these 11 hour days : (

- Fred

Ps. I feel SO weird when people catch me doing my squeezing thing. I feel like no one ever understand when I tell them it's a form of coping with stress and that half the time I don't even realize i'm doing it until it starts to hurt. I feel so weird.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I'm tired of feeling like I've been run over by repeated trains. I'm tired of being ill or injured, I'm tired of feeling crazy, I'm tired of feeling condemned for trying to take care of myself. I'm also tired of being bored out of my skull at work and feeling like the schedule really isn't worth anything, regardless of how far in advance they try to make it. I just want things to be easy occasionally, and even to not feel like we're perpetually just scraping by in terms of money, sleep, sanity, etc.

Rei

[Young Val]

Dear Bob,

Sorry for being so off lately. Not sure what's going on. I don't really have the energy to try to figure it out, either. Just one foot in front of the other for the next little while, ok?

[GS]

Bob,

I just had an amazing weekend in the mountains with some amazing friends this weekend. I mean, check out the Avatar. But it also made me realize that I need to break up with my girlfriend and I need to do it now. That really sucks.

[powerfulcheese04]

Dear Bob,

I am so, so, so sad.

Last night, the morning anchor at Nate's station put in his two weeks. This was supposed to be good news for us because the consultant, news director and general manager were planning to use the extra money in his salary to just re-allocate funds at the station to give Nate the raise he wants to be able to stay as Assistant News Director. So there was lots of talk last night between Nate's bosses and the corporate office.

However, corporate came back with an insultingly low offer. For 4.5 years and second in command of the news room, they're offering him the same that they just gave the fresh out of college weekend sports guy.


And, I don't know, the process has been so weird. There was this like offer from his boss and the consultant. They talked the general manager into it. But, apparently, none of them had the power to be making those kinds of offers. It's just been ridiculous all around. I feel like they shouldn't have made the offer if they didn't have the ability to back it up. Or at least back it up to a reasonably non-insulting level.


And I'm scared of job searching for me now. I mean, I know the plan was always that I'd essentially search site-unseen wherever he goes... but, I never really want to do that. And I've already given up the opportunity to apply for an internship (and thus residency) because he won't know where he'll be in time for me to get the application in (and the application is essentially binding. If you apply somewhere and they accept you, you're obligated to go there.)

It's all so frustrating.

[thoughtreader]

Bob

I just had a big melt down... like a sitting n the middle of the kitchen floor holding my dog sobbing melt down.
Just in case you haven't heard, she has lymphoma and is going to die soon. most dogs have 1-2 months to live after being diagnosed (unless their owners can afford the $5,000-$10,0000 for doggy chemo and then they have a year maybe... and unfortunately my I live with my in-laws, husband is unemployed, I get paid $233.90 a week on disability ass just can't afford that). In 2 days it will be one months since she was diagnosed... I noticed the symptoms really early so the vet thinks I might actually get 3 months with her but still. She is 4.5 f****** years old and most likely won't make 5.
I'v already had a few good cries about that. So you're probably wondering "why the melt down??"
Good question bobbo...
Because of cat food.
Yes cat food. My MIL's cats eat in the laundry room and to to keep Cleo from eating their food we have a baby gate up in the doorway. It used to be locked into place but now it is propped in... and I noticed as my Dog stuffed her face with CORN filled cat food that she has figured out how to bypass the baby gate....
You might be thinking NBD its just a little cat food. All you need to do is 1) feed the cats again and 2) lock the gate.
But no such luck. Yes it was easy to give the cats more food... and I locked the gate and told my MIL about it in hopes that she would keep it locked. but no it keeps getting propped up and she keeps getting the cat food. But this is a big deal.
A REALLY f****** BIG DEAL!!!!!!
Cleo is allergic to CORN... And what is in the cat food CORN!!!!!!

SO now my sick, covered in cancerous lumps, f****** dying dog has a hot spot on her tail. So I try to treat it.. I shave the hair so it can dry out, clean it, put the blue stuff on it and it is getting better. Then this morning she made it worse, so I try covering it so she can't get it. I look every where for her e-colar but can't find it.
and then tonight she went out to go pee. took off the bandage and tore at her tail until it bled!!!!

And still the baby gate is propped up!!!

And I m in the kitchen holding my dog down as I treat her open wound as best I can while crying my eyes out because the last time she had corn allergy hot spots it took 2+months for them to go away and she lost all the hair on her tail and nost of the hair on her back leg, and it hurt her so bad.
And I can't have this be her last few weeks/months
Me holding her down and causing her pain while I try to help her. Her HURTING so bad.

I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!!!!

I just want her to be happy and to spoil her and love her and i don't know if I can do this....

I'm going to get an e-collar tomorrow, ask the vet is there is anything else I can give her.... but I really just don't know if I can do this. It was hurting her so much. You didn't see her eyes. The way she looked at me. She already can't understand why she doesn't feel good and now I'm hurting her.

I don't want my baby to hurt.....
I don't want to hurt her......
I don't want her to die....
I really don'y know what I'm going to do

Teresa