Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Satya]

Dear Bob,

Let's just... try and be happy for awhile, okay?

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

Sorry I've been gone so much; things have been kind of crazy recently. I'm finally moving back into the frame of mind where I can face the world again, though, so that is good.

~Rei

[GS]

Dear Bob,

I thought we were a community of similar minded individuals who generally liked one another that are capable of discussion something without out getting all bent out of shaped when some one disagrees and taking it as a personal attack. Apparently we are not. Can we just go back to the old board?

See ya.

[Gravity Defier]

Dear Bob,
I’ve been nothing with you if not honest, so I don’t see why I should stop now, so long as I tread lightly.

Outside of my personal and work life (which, yes, for those keeping track, is less than ideal still), my time on Pweb for the past week has felt like one giant cluster****. Apologies in advance if I hurt anyone by way of my saying any of this.

This upgrade, that looked like it might be a move, has been very real to me for the better part of a year. Not sit on the sidelines, get a little curious, read a thread and nod real but emailing and IMing and pouring over the internet and writing and coordinating real and true, there’s not too much to show for all that, but the time was put in, the energy was put in, the dedication was put in. I was left free to kind of run the show for that time, for all the time that it was real and present to me. Now suddenly it’s real for everyone, I’m no longer needed, and I don’t know what to do with myself or how I, if I even do, fit in somewhere.

And you know, I knew this was coming and wanted Jan to be the person in charge as much as anyone but it’s easier said than done to just stop making decisions and to let go. To be constantly accused of not trusting her, that sucked so bad. It wasn’t a lack of trust so much as an inability to shift gears and recognize my new place, wherever that is. To me, it’s two separate issues that looked like the same thing to others. Then again, maybe I’m full of it and want to justify things. Because, I’ll be honest, there were things I disagreed with and still do, though I didn’t think those had to likewise be interpreted as a lack of trust. I thought things were going well. What do I know? If Jan cares to know what/why, she deserves to know and I’ll tell her. If not, I’ve carried it with me and I can keep on doing that and quite frankly, it doesn’t matter what I think about all that anyway. I’m working on turning my “Give a s***” off. Give me some time to adjust.

Now with the chat. I’m not asking anyone to change a thing here, Bob but if I felt misplaced by the upgrade before, the chat solidified it. I’m not a stay at home anything, I’m not a student, and quite frankly, I don’t have the energy to be in chat more than once every so often even when I can enter the room. It’s as mentally exhausting to me as being in a crowded meatspace room. But people I care about are going in, having fun, creating jokes and bonds that I can’t be a part of, except as a witness to the Chat and OOC threads, and make no mistake, it changes relationships a bit, having that interaction. Not being a part of that makes me feel like I’m being further pushed out and excluded by my friends but feeling left out is my issue. I don’t look down on anyone for using the chat and I won’t change my behaviors involving it. I’m working on turning my “Give a s***” off for this, too and my attentions will remain focused on the board, the one part where you can’t hide or exclude anyone.

This whole week has been an eye-opener and a reminder that things must, inevitably, change. It’s been a reminder that I won’t be around someday because there will come a time when I feel like I don’t belong anymore. It won’t be today, tomorrow, next week, or next month but it’ll come and this upgrade has made me feel closer to that day than ever.

[steph]

Now with the chat. I’m not asking anyone to change a thing here, Bob but if I felt misplaced by the upgrade before, the chat solidified it. I’m not a stay at home anything, I’m not a student, and quite frankly, I don’t have the energy to be in chat more than once every so often even when I can enter the room. It’s as mentally exhausting to me as being in a crowded meatspace room. But people I care about are going in, having fun, creating jokes and bonds that I can’t be a part of, except as a witness to the Chat and OOC threads, and make no mistake, it changes relationships a bit, having that interaction. Not being a part of that makes me feel like I’m being further pushed out and excluded by my friends but feeling left out is my issue. I don’t look down on anyone for using the chat and I won’t change my behaviors involving it. I’m working on turning my “Give a s***” off for this, too and my attentions will remain focused on the board, the one part where you can’t hide or exclude anyone.

Bob, what Alea said in this quote is how I feel, too. I feel like I'm somehow not a "Real" pwebber, since I can't make time to chat and I feel like the things I say on the board are now mostly ignored.

[mr_thebrain]

well, i don't go into chat either. i just don't have time.

it doesn't make me feel any more of an outsider than i felt i was before. i guess i kind of got over that feeling when everyone was using the AIM chat thing back in the day.

the only thing i can say about it is that it's just a feeling. it's not fact. you're both very highly regarded in this community. i hope it doesn't effect you like it did me. when i felt that way, i pulled away. lurked a lot. kinda felt a bit like nobody cared what i had to say. then later, i just kinda told myself, i was gonna say what i was gonna say and if nobody cared, it was no hair off my chin.

what i found out was that the more i posted, the more people cared what i had to say. so i guess it boils down to this: it doesn't matter if you're part of the chatroom clique, it doesn't even matter what you say. so long as you remain a part of the community, the community will be there for you. just like a family.

misunderstandings and ruffled feelings aside, this place is no different than it has always been. and your parts in this community are the same as they always have been.

[Luet]

How did you get so smart, brain? Oh right, you're a brain! Heh. Yeah, I can only rarely chat and even then, not for long. The forum is what makes this place home. And it always will.

[mr_thebrain]

[VelvetElvis]

I read and care about every post.

[VelvetElvis]

I read and care about every post.

[Mich]

Even the duplicates.

[VelvetElvis]

Them especially.

[starlooker]

I read and care about every post.

Likewise.

Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself when I post. And then something happens like Monday, where I get all overwhelmed by how many people are actually reading and caring. And I'm sorry if I don't reply, or if I'm part of making anyone feel ignored or left out. I do read. I do care.

[VelvetElvis]

Dear Bob,

I had bad day at work.




-Helen

[steph]

I (usually) know it's all in my head. Thanks for confirming. It may take awhile for me to ACTUALLY convince my head, though.

[Gravity Defier]

I need to talk things out to feel better, I feel like I have to be on the defensive or that I'm going to make people defensive when I do that here because the tension was palpable and everyone was so eager to move on, I have nowhere else to do that since zero hasn't read any of it and I don't want him to feel like he has to take sides anyway because he doesn't and shouldn't, I feel lost. I was just trying to explain part of my behavior, whether it is founded or not.

Pay no attention to the emo-ewok (emok?) behind the curtain.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

My throat hurts. Pretty badly. My ear hurts, just a little.

NOOOOOOO. No sickness. No. Thank you.

[VelvetElvis]

Feel better!

[Gravity Defier]

NOOOOOOO. No sickness.

Dear Universe,

Get on that ^, okay.

[Young Val]

Sleep! Hot water with lemon and honey! More sleep!

[VelvetElvis]

Dear Bob,

Care for a little self-pity? I don't want to be at work. I want to have a quiet evening at home with a glass of wine. Maybe a couple chapters of a book. A snooze on the couch, even. I hate hate hate being here right now.

Thank you for listening,

Helen Elizabeth

[mr_thebrain]

well, this weekend was a success! Georgien met my family and they thought she was wonderful, and she thought the same as them.
sunday i met her kids. and they were absolutely adorable! we went fishing. i got to fix their poles and put worms on their hooks and teach them how to fish and such, and they liked me. i think quite a bit. then we went to the park and played hide and seek and pushed them on the tire swing. georgien was very pleased with how i did. and so was i.

today was my first day in my new position. i think i'm going to like using autocad. and while i was being taught the program, i was also being taught things about the engineering position i will be working towards taking in a couple of years.

all in all, i'm feeling pretty dang good! yay me!

[LilBee91]

Yay you!

ETA: The smiley makes me very, very happy.

[Gravity Defier]

That's great, brain. You deserve this. :)

[Luet]

I'm really happy for you brain. Go you!
____

Dear bob,

I hate waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

*push, push, push*






*sigh*

[Satya]

Dear Bob,

I wish I could take it all back.

[Claire]

Bob,

I just got word that my grandmother is not doing well. They think its pneumonia. She was fine on Friday, but didn't wake up on Saturday and her condition has been steadily worsening.

She was so strong when I left.

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs Claire and good thoughts heading towards Grandma* I'm sorry to hear that.

[Jayelle]

*hugs* Claire, I just went through this, it's so hard. I can't imagine being so far away as well. *more hugs*

[starlooker]

**hugs Claire**

~~

Dear Bob,

I was in a really good mood yesterday. I woke up in a fairly good mood this morning. I went to go lay down after my 5:30 AM breakfast, and Donny came in the bedroom, and I told him how much money we have left in savings. And then I completely and utterly lost it for about an hour. The stress and probably my weaning off of my meds are contributors. Also, my crazy-guilt over this whole problem came screaming out. Well, sobbing out. And, you know, fear. And feeling that Little Bit and Donny both deserve so much better than me.

I slept for a long time afterwards. I am feeling somewhat better. But, you know, it's all still in there. I'm mainly so, so, so scared. And sorry.

Anyhow, I'm starting to cry again. I'm going to stop writing, now.

[LilBee91]

*hugs for Claire and starlooker*

[Gravity Defier]

*hugs for Kirsten* Money stress is an awful thing but I hope you know, deep down, that Donny and Little Bit are very lucky to have you. There's no question of you not being good enough, no question at all; they deserve someone awesome and that's exactly what they have.

It may be hard to believe right now but things will work out.

[Wind Swept]

Hey Bob,

I'm 24 and I still have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

[Mich]

The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.