Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:31 pm

Image

Congrats, brain!
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby mr_thebrain » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:35 pm

Thanks you two! :D
Ubernaustrum

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Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:45 pm

Thanks you two! :D
Hey, hey, hey. Let's not forget our six little buddies.

There's Polka Dot- our red little party animal friend- Dubya W.W. Dot -purple all the way and quite the world traveler; at least he's more informed than that other famous Dubya- and rounding out the Dot family, the blue twins Dot and Dot Dot (those two always give me pause...). We can't forget their cousins, Period, an English snob who has a nasty habit of cutting me short, and Point, a math major who is all over the place.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby mr_thebrain » Wed Mar 09, 2011 8:51 pm

awesome. Thanks dot-folk!
Ubernaustrum

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Postby steph » Wed Mar 09, 2011 9:01 pm

Good job, Joshy! I'm voting for MORE good stuff to come your way!
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Rei » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:23 am

Good show!
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
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私は。。。誰?

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Postby Yebra » Thu Mar 10, 2011 3:31 pm

Dear Bob,

Sorry, I've been having a busy spell for the last while and somehow managed to work pweb out of my procrastination rotation. I'm currently deep in my incredibly exciting dissertation and am so full of exciting facts about political districting that it's not really safe for me to be around normal humans and it's probably best for everyone if I make this stay short.

BUT FIRST I NEED TO SHARE THE EXCITING NEWS THAT I totally saw some pweb peeps so my quest to become the most real of all is proceeding well despite living on a different continent. Up your game people.
Yebra: A cross between a zebra and something that fancied a zebra.

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Postby Confessions » Fri Mar 11, 2011 5:25 am

Hello Bob,

I'm doing really well, overall. Just have to take care of myself, my health. Physical (eating well, getting enough sleep) and mental (being careful not to slip down slippery slopes that I'll have trouble climbing back up on). Easy enough, right? Enjoy life, my studies, my friends, and my boyfriend. Things are great right now, and that's exactly that: I don't want to ruin it.

My studies are consuming my life; excellent, that's exactly the way it should be. It's best that way, really "golden age"-like. But. I don't want it to start mattering in bad ways. Yesterday I felt like I was in trouble, and then good news came and I was so relieved, like someone who escaped death (or at least serious injury) by sheer luck. It's a good thing that it happened but it shouldn't serve as an excuse, make it fine to slip into bad habits because "I can win now." It's not about whether I can or can't, it's about not ruining my semester.

How do I do that, Bob? I'm so experienced at not being able to stop. Never have I set a problematic situation up, without following through with it. I understand, it's addictive. What is? Wish I knew. Somehow all these things have something in common that I can't quantify or explain. I hope that with the help of my useful friend of the semester I might be able to steer a different track. My friend who knows everyone and everything, and is friendly to everyone (or at least everyone worth knowing). I should learn from that (the being friendly part especially) and maybe I will be able to preserve the spirit of this year.

If I were ever to pray this might be the kind of situation, when I feel like I really need someone wiser to guide me and help me go the right way. It's a powerful thing, I suppose, and sometimes I wish I could believe in it. But when I need someone wiser, I can always turn to my friends. They are almost always better than me at life.
The password is "guilty"

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Postby Young Val » Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:24 pm

Dear Bob,

I am...not ok.

And I don't know how to write about it anymore, damnit.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Fri Mar 11, 2011 12:35 pm

*hugs for Kelly*

*also hugs for Confessions*
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby starlooker » Sat Mar 12, 2011 5:33 pm

Dear Bob,

Just read The Trauma Myth by Susan A. Clancy and, wow. It is an amazing, amazing book. It basically explains in a clear, validating, and absolutely non-victim blaming way why childhood sexual abuse does not in most cases fit neatly in with the PTSD model and how current conceptualizations serve to further silence and isolate victims. It does not deny in any way that victims are harmed. And it fits so, so well with what I've seen and heard from others -- but, moreover, it's one of the first books I've read that absolutely, absolutely resonates and describes MY experience.

One of the quotes that absolutely got to me was this, "Because of the trauma myth, I am aware of no public information campaigns that say, 'Kids don't know enough to say no.' There are no books telling victims, 'You let it happen, and that's okay. This is normal. You were too good to know bad.'"

Anyhow, I've more or less made peace with what in my head I refer to as The Incident. It was nice to read a book that validated the way that I have done that. Well, nice and unnerving. I don't think about The Incident much, anymore. So, it made me cry and re-sort some things. I think that even though I know it makes sense that I behaved as I did and that the aftermath was worse than the event, it's really hard to maintain my truth in the face of a different cultural narrative. So I don't think or talk about it much, but it's also not an active or really raw issue for me. Still, it turns out there are things that can still push me to rethink it and bring me tears.

It was also good to read that it makes sense that I did have to go through a process to make peace with it, even if in some ways it was the best-case scenario of CSA. (One time, not perpetrated by a close friend or family member, supportive parents.) There's sort of this conundrum of fear of talking about it because people will 1) either assume that it was the most traumatic, worst thing that ever happened to me and if I say it wasn't, I'm repressing; or 2) they'll hear what actually happened and dismiss it as not being "bad enough" to count. When my parents were trying to figure out why I was depressed and hurting myself when I was 16, my mom informed me that the counselor told her that what I went through wasn't "bad enough" to cause this (as, basically, a way of telling me that I had no rhyme or reason for my behavior and so, stop it already.) (Granted, I don't think that incident was the whole of the reason for my subsequent problems by a long shot.) I've told some people I was never abused not because I was lying, but because I wasn't sure if it was okay to call it that when I was complicit, if it was "bad" enough to count, and because I didn't want them to start putting me through some form of therapy that I knew would do nothing for me. And yet, it DID matter, and I did have to sort through it when I was old enough to understand it. It's not necessarily been the root of my identity, but it also mattered enough to rate some attention.

You know what the worst part was as a child? The worst part was not really The Incident. I had huge guilt and anxiety afterwards, but the Incident itself was not bad at the actual time. My main guilt was brought on by the goddamn good touch/bad touch curriculum I'd gotten at school, which put the onus on me to say no and to tell. Telling my parents, who immediately believed me, was hard, but not the worst part. I was very confused as to why I wasn't in trouble, though.

The worst part was that I told them the night before my birthday, and they told me they were going to have to tell everybody's parents that night and the next day if possible, and a lot of them were involved in my birthday party, and I was so embarrassed, and I begged them to wait. And I was so bewildered by why they would have to do that on my birthday. Because birthdays were special and you were supposed to be able to get whatever you wanted within reason on that day, and I couldn't stop them from talking to people even though it was my 8th birthday. I think that's when it hit me that I'd sort of unleashed forces that I did not understand, and participated in something of seriousness I hadn't comprehended.

Later, the worst things were the things I hadn't told them when it was clear they didn't blame me, because I was sure I'd gotten a lucky break and telling them that piece would make sure everyone put the blame on me, where I knew it must belong. Because there were two seven year olds, a five year old, the five year old's teenage brother and his older friend. And they were going to play with me and the other seven-year old, but not the five-year old because she was too young. And she was very upset and didn't understand, and was crying as she was walking away, and I begged them to let her play, too, because I felt bad for her. And it took a very, very long time for me to forgive myself for that, for drawing her back in. A very long time to realize the responsibility falls on those two who knew what was going on, and not on me for feeling sorry for a girl I thought was being left out of some kind of game unfairly.

Anyhow, Bob, that's what's on my mind today. I talked some of it out with my husband, earlier, but I wanted to write it out, too. It helps.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Mar 12, 2011 5:47 pm

*hugs for Kirsten*

Thank you for sharing. I know it wasn't FOR any of us, but thank you anyway.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Luet » Sat Mar 12, 2011 7:44 pm

*more hugs for Kirsten*

I know what you mean about finding a book that actually validates what you went through. I have had a very hard time with this since I was an adult and not a child and there aren't many (any?) books that deal with the kind of long term, semi-complicit, sexual abuse by a predator that I went through. The closest book I have found is called "Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity" but it wasn't really about the sexual abuse aspect. I'm so glad that you found a book that helps you be at peace.

................

*hugs also for Kelly*

I miss your writing and hope you can find the words again to share yourself with us.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Gravity Defier » Sun Mar 13, 2011 2:16 am

*Kirsten-hugs* I don't think I knew any of that about you before. Thank you for trusting us with that.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby steph » Sun Mar 13, 2011 3:48 pm

*comes in to hug those above*
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Haven » Mon Mar 14, 2011 8:50 pm

Hugs!!

Thank you for sharing that book on here! I would have never heard about it if you hadn't and it is probably something I should read... I just can't seem to bring myself to read those types of book... I guess because then that would be admitting that maybe I'm not over what happened... Or some other such nonsense like that. But I really think I might read this one. So thanks :)
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Postby starlooker » Tue Mar 15, 2011 11:57 am

*hugs back*

Thanks, everyone.

Alea -- no, I don't think it's something I've shared on pweb before. It's not something I talk about frequently, even to people I'm close with. Actually, there are probably more of my offline close friends who don't know about it than who do. Mainly for reasons stated above. The book was helpful to me in legitimizing my experience, so I suddenly felt like there was a lot less reason I shouldn't write about it. The name of the book is off-putting for some people, I know; however, the content is realistic and helpful.

Haven -- I hope you do read it, and I'd like to know your thoughts if you do. I've found myself uncomfortable with "those kind" of books, myself, because they made me feel more alone, not less. This did the opposite. If you do read it, I hope you find it a positive experience also. *hugs*
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Mich » Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:53 pm

Dear Bob!

I think I've found an apartment, and have applied to it, so I may be moving downtown in approximately a month! This is exciting news.

I also am considering starting a blog (not for entirely normal reasons, but it would be pretty uncool to admit them for, well, let's say a year or so). It would be about video games and goofy memories about growing up with them! My main models would be the only blogs I find interesting enough to bookmark: Hyperbole and a Half and The Oatmeal. So there would be somewhat rambly rants, little cartoons by yours truly, and probably a few other things. Anyway, it might be a stupid idea, but I do have a goal, and it probably doesn't hurt to let people know to start drumming up interest.

And I'll probably be doing it in Magento! Magento is kind of neat.
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Postby Olhado_ » Tue Mar 15, 2011 10:06 pm

Dear Bob,

Why is it, even now while I am in my late 20s, do I still get called the names I got called in Middle School and High School, while on an evening jog?

I am not saying it bothers, me as I learned back then how to handle these things; but it is just interesting. I wondering if I just put out that type of vibe or something.

Anyways, just something I am pondering.
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Postby Young Val » Wed Mar 16, 2011 10:01 am

:::hugs Kirsten:::

Dear Bob,

I cannot get my act together. I cannot assemble my thoughts. I have never had so much trouble trying to express myself before. I've always been articulate--piercingly so. Expressing myself is what I do. It is so unnerving to be at such a loss. I can't imagine going through life and feeling so...helpless. Words are how I make sense of the chaos. Words are how I cope. No matter what has happened, no matter how terrible, how painful, I can write about it. I can write about it and that is how I survive it. Only...not anymore.

And now there isn't even anything to survive, so much as there are things to put in order. So many little pockets of doubt and fear and frustration, and even though they are small and even though many of them are inconsequential I feel as though they are taking over my life and my one defense is failing me.

At least I am regaining some of my energy. I will take that and run.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind I am aware that things should not be so difficult. But they are.

I am dreaming strange dreams. They are all different, but somehow I know they all come from the same place. In the dreams, I am always trying to accomplish something outside the parameters of my ability. I fail without exception. But I'm not that upset about my failure in the dreams, because another task always begins immediately afterward, and there is no time for disappointment. People I have not seen in a long time weave in and out and most often when I see them I am filled with a rush of gratitude and love--even when the people are ones who have hurt me. It's confusing. I wake up feeling guilty for all the things I've left undone and all the wrongs I've forgiven in my sleep. Because when I wake up I realize that I haven't forgiven anyone at all. It's exhausting.

It has become clear to me that with the exception of David (who is my rock, always) most people in my life expect me to fail in Minnesota, much as they expected me to fail in New York. No one, and I mean no one thought I'd last a week in NYC, let alone almost six years. People were absolutely certain that I would tuck my tail and come back home, because, for some reason, no one thinks I can take care of myself. I don't know how or why I am projecting this image, but it seems clear that I am. Just the other day on the phone my father (my champion) casually asked me when I was planning to move back to MA. Not implying that my relationship would fail, just assuming that I could not ever truly survive here for the long term. So far away from the ocean and the people I love. I've told him and I've told other people over and over that MN is my life now. David needs to be here for his sister, and that's for always. And I will be where he is. No one thinks I have any staying power, and they all cradle me as something fragile and flighty. David's family is practically ready to tether me to ground; they are so very afraid I will bolt. I have never done anything to ellicit this response from people. I'm committed to being here, but the only person who seems to understand that is David. Although, I suppose if only one person were going to understand, it absolutely must be him.

Why does everyone doubt my strength? How much more do I have to withstand before people stop thinking I'm weak? No one has ever rescued me, even when I begged. I have had help, and I have had support, but no one handed me anything or fought my demons for me. Every scrap of dignity I have I fought for myself. Why are people always trying to belittle that or take it away from me?

Sometimes I think the "concern" is going to suffocate me. You are not really worried about me, you are just waiting for me to fail.

I could scream because my life, really, is not that awful. In fact, a lot of it is really wonderful, and I don't understand this lethargy and sadness, because I am actually really happy right now, as contradictory as that seems. I am in a loving, healthy, respectful, joyous relationship with my partner, I am excited about my future, I am making all kinds of positive changes in my life.

But right now I feel so stagnant and melancholy and I can't express myself.

*****

Once of the few perks of working for the State is that David also works for the State and is in my building one floor below me. He just came up to my desk and told me he'd injured his neck somehow and had just gone to the emergency room, where he'd been given valium (which had definitely started to kick in by this time) and was going home.

1. I am worried about him and want to go home and look after him.
2. How awful to be injured right before his birthday!
3. I....can't keep up this facade anymore. Sorry, Bob. I gave it an honest effort and can't help it if it's all hollow this time around.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Luet » Wed Mar 16, 2011 11:21 am

*hugs Kelly*
It was wonderful to read your words again. Keep 'em coming.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Mar 16, 2011 6:57 pm

Why does everyone doubt my strength?

This saddens me. You are one of the strongest women I know and it's not as though I have such a small pool of comparison.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.

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Postby steph » Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:12 pm

Why does everyone doubt my strength?

This saddens me. You are one of the strongest women I know and it's not as though I have such a small pool of comparison.
This. A thousand times over. You are someone I look up to SO much and I can't imagine anyone thinking that you could fail.

I love reading your thoughts the last couple of days. Even if you think they are stumbling words, to me, they are beautiful. You are beautiful. I am so happy that you have David in your life. He and pweb are on YOUR side!!
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Young Val » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:54 am

I love you guys.

Dear Bob,

I got home from work last night and David was in much worse shape than I'd expected. He basically can't move the right side of his body (clarification: he CAN move it, but it is unbelievably painful). He's taking Diazepam every couple of hours alongside 3 ibuprofen as prescribed, but it's doing little to ease his pain, relax his muscles, or calm his nerves.

David's father comitted suicide at the age of 29 when David was only 3 years old. David's birthday is on Saturday and he'll be turning 28. As terrifying as it was for him to be in such great pain so suddenly and to have half of his body start go numb, it was even more horrifying given the fact that he's haunted by the fact that he's soon going to surpass his father in age. He'd never considered the possibility that he wouldn't until yesterday. Brushes with mortality are always sobering but the timing of this one make it more so. He's pretty upset.

He couldn't sleep well last night (neither could I). He woke up in significant pain, still, but with slightly more mobility and wanted to go in to work, but I convinced him to stay home and rest. I'm worried about him being home alone all day though, knowing that he's going to wallow in a lot of these morose thoughts; it can be hard to be alone with all of that. Even if I could just sit quietly in the room with him, I think that would be better.

David and I are opposites when it comes to illness or injury. I am a huge baby and want to be fussed over and soothed and nursed when I'm sick or hurt. David is like a feral animal. He wants to slink away in the dark, alone, and lick his wounds. This is hard for me, because the instinct to mother him and cuddle him and care for him is SO STRONG, but I know that he doesn't welcome it. We've learned, over these years, how to best help each other. When David is sick or hurt I make a determined effort not to hover or fuss over him or stare at him incessantly with wide, reproachful, doe eyes. I will sit in the room with him but otherwise occupy myself with a book or a movie or something. In return for this massive effort of restraint on my part, I've made him promise that if and when he really does require help, he asks for it. By turns, he makes a huge fuss when I'm sick and reads to me and brings me soup and makes me laugh and coos over me. We both get the medicine that suits us best, so it's been working well. But, wow, it's REALLY HARD not to swoop down on him and subject him to my coddling.

Instead I am here. At work. *sigh*

At least it's yoga day.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby Luet » Thu Mar 17, 2011 3:41 pm

Dear Bob,

I met my stepmom for lunch today. I miss my half brothers so much. For the last few years, I have seen them very rarely because I want nothing to do with my dad and since that is the case, he won't let me see my brothers (or gives my stepmom hell if she lets me see them).

The older one is 11 and has Asperger's Syndrome. The younger one has ADHD and possibly Tourette's. Needless to say, my stepmom has her hands full with them. My dad works a full time job and then directs plays in the evenings/weekends, so he is a mostly absent father. He makes me so mad (for many reasons). I have the time and willingness to give her the help that she so badly needs but he won't let me. I don't often wish for someone to leave their wife and kids but in this case, I really hope he does. She and the boys would be far better off without him.

/rant
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby starlooker » Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:31 pm

Dear Bob,

I have a happy epilogue to my previous Bob post.

In addition to my personal reaction to the book, it has also added significantly to my work. The original reason I bought it, after all, was for my professional use. And it helped me consolidate some thoughts I had about how children might react.

So, tonight, I was talking to a little boy who is looking miserable, confused, guilty, and just very mixed-up about his feelings. He looks a bit hopeless when trying to explain his discomfort with how people are reacting to him and he questions why the older person who he loves is in trouble and why everyone keeps ignoring him when he tries to explain it's his fault, too.

"You know, some children I know who have had experiences like yours feel..."

And his entire face just lit up completely. "Hey! That's exactly how I feel!"

And a second time, "And kids sometimes feel that..." "Yeah! Me, too! That's how I feel, too!"

This kid has the most expressive face, ever. I will never, never forget his reaction to feeling understood. Just so much surprise and relief.

And it led to a really, really good talk about what actually happened, and why it actually isn't his fault, no matter what, in a way that he seemed to understand.

All in all, a good day to be me. Best. Session. Ever.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Thu Mar 17, 2011 6:44 pm

Kirsten, I never thought I would get warm fuzzies from such an awful topic. You rock.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby steph » Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:07 pm

You are amazing! Congrats on a great session!
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Rei » Fri Mar 18, 2011 4:52 am

That really is wonderful! Which, as Ali says, feels really strange to say concerning so awful a topic.
Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point.
~Blaise Pascal


私は。。。誰?

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Postby starlooker » Fri Mar 18, 2011 10:49 am

Thanks :)

Anyhow, on the subject of the strangeness about feeling something positive about an awful situation, per Mr. Rogers,

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mothers words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."

It's a quote I think of a lot when I feel overwhelmed by something horrific that has happened in someone's life. Looking for the "helpers" the person has had so far, and then reminding myself that even though the disaster occurred and nothing will make that go away, I can try to be a "helper." And then it's okay to get warm fuzzies, because in the best cases you get to also see growth and healing and it is wonderful.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Jayelle » Fri Mar 18, 2011 11:56 am

Bob,

It seems like after 6 months of living here, things are starting to click into place, friend-wise. I have been going diligently to playgroups, drop-in gyms and Le Leche League meetings and it seems to finally be paying off! I have a few women who I've really connected with, and even went to one woman's house recently for a playdate! I now have a few of them as facebook friends which also helps quite a bit.
We also have found a church that we like. It is really small, but has welcomed us in and we've made some friends there quite quickly. I am going to a baby shower for one of them this evening.
I still need to keep working at it, but I'm doing better these days. The loneliness is still there, but it's starting to subside.

JL
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Postby Luet » Fri Mar 18, 2011 7:14 pm

I don't think I will ever cease to be inspired and moved by Mr. Rogers.
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby starlooker » Sun Mar 20, 2011 11:58 am

Dear Bob,

Made it to the office on a Sunday.

Got the Rocky Training Montage playing on my Mp3 player.

Now, I just have to write. A lot. Focus and prioritize. Routine notes first to make my supervisor happy and help me keep my job. Then evals. Then a disability letter. Then spend any and all time this week working on assessments, as I assume those other things will take up all of my allotted time today.

Game face on. Necessary computer programs open. Email closed.

GO.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby steph » Sun Mar 20, 2011 8:15 pm

Hey Bob,

I nursed my baby for the last time this evening. I cried when we started, I cried when she stuck her little foot up in my face, like she does every time, and when we finished, I cuddled her up and cried some more. After I put her down to bed, I came downstairs and I bawled. She's going to be mad at me tomorrow evening when I won't let her nurse. I'm going to be terribly broken-hearted, having to say no. There really is not another experience in life that is akin to nursing your baby. And FINALLY, with baby #3, I was able to make my goal of nursing for a year. Neither of us are emotionally ready to be done and I'm really nervous over how it will affect her to wean before we're ready and then to leave her for almost 2 weeks at the same time. Will our bond ever be the same? I'm so afraid it will be ruined and gone forever after she feels abandoned by me.

I am very excited for our trip, but I'm not sure how I'm going to survive it. I know the kids will be well taken care of, that's not my worry at all. My worry is how I will survive without having K stick her foot up in my face or watch her spit because she's hungry or see her eyes light up with the look I call "loving adoration" when she sees her daddy. How am I going to survive without B's perfect little squeezes because his little body is just the perfect cuddly size or how he pretends he's a puppy or uses different voices for all of his stuffed animals to tell me "i love you, too" and "goodnight" or just the pure sweet CUTENESS of his face that just about kills me everyday. How can I miss having T wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me or having him so eager to help me cook or hearing his cute little voice as he reads novels that should be way to hard for him or missing his field trip to the museum? There are about a million other things that I'll miss everyday, because they are my life. I am a stay at home mom and it's every breathing moment for me. And I know I've been longing for some time away with just Brian so that we can bond and just be with each other without being interrupted every 10 seconds. But I had been thinking of a weekend away; just enough time to relax and start to miss them so I could come back and mother them better. 2 weeks is an awfully long time. And it's not that I'm not excited. It's just that these kids aren't just some job you can leave behind for 2 weeks because you can't leave your heart behind.
"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time." - Jamie Cullum

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Mon Mar 21, 2011 7:17 am

*many big hugs for Steph*

Your kids know how much you love them, and you are a really awesome mom.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII


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