Dear Diary/Journal/Bob 3.0

[Olhado_]

Dear Bob,

I know I do not post here enough; but this is the only place I know that still offers, at least some anonymity in the online life (and of course offline life too).

I consider myself a studier of human emotions, as I am a bit of a "social retard" (I know that is not PC; but if the shoe fits...). I think this because I know that in life once anyone really starts to get to know me I tend to do and/or say things that seems to make them regret that they know me.

This does not bother me that much, especially as I have come to an understanding that I enjoy my own company; but I am still human, so I am determined to try and learn from my mistake and learn the "rules" of social interaction. They have to exist, even if to everyone else they are obvious; but I have learned other "laws of the universe" (i.e. Scientific and Mathematical), so I should be able to learn this.

Anyways, this post has really taken on a life of its own, then its original purpose; but I am going to let it go as I don't know it is just something I want to get into writing.

The only thing I ask of you Bob, is to not read into this post a "cry for help" or "a sign of depression" because, while I have never been "diagnosed" I do know what periods of "extreme sadness" feels like and this is completely the opposite. I sometimes think if I lived, even a few hundred years ago, then I would be considered a "hermit" (someone who is just out in the wilderness, with only the occasional trips to "town").

Anyways, Bob, thanks for listening to this old-time, lurker.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I'm trying not to get down about job hunting, but it's very difficult when all ability to live beyond our barest, most frugal means depends upon my having an income. And I feel utterly without a place and a role. I just kind of wish I knew what I wanted to do.

~Rei

[daPyr0x]

Bob,

Stress. And not the good kind. Though, perhaps leading towards the good kind. We will have to see.

You know, it's funny. My last post was 2 weeks ago. Today, I received some follow-up from the aforementioned situation. This portion of the reviews was supposed to be complete company-wide the day after my last post, and though I did receive the appropriate follow-up from my manager that day, and followed his direction on the assessment; I did not do it quite correctly.

Let me elaborate. By not quite correctly, that means that my boss felt there was an additional development goal I should have. To increase a metric that has never once been introduced to me by adopting a plan I've never heard of by an arbitrary amount. This goal is to be weighted more heavily than my education. My boss passed it through to me as improving measurability of my goals, but I catch on too easily. The process works that he makes changes, sends them back to me, and then I have to sign off. I'm not signing off on a document that says I'm going to do something I've never been introduced to.

Always a good idea to stick out like a sore thumb and make yourself out to be an a****** before having the meeting to discuss wage increases.

I've decided, through this experience, that I'm no longer waiting for that meeting. I was under the impression this was going to happen a whole lot more quickly, and this experience has not left me with any feelings of wanting to stay with this organization. Not to mention the other...conflicts...that have arisen over the past couple weeks. No doubt I cause s*** bringing stuff up, but it's my team lead who actually participates; I just get CC'd. I don't like how things are handled, and while it's not systemic I'm realizing how poisonous individuals can be to entire organizations.

So, I've finally moved that next step forward applying for somewhere new. A former classmate mentioned his company having many openings for the position I had been chasing [and didn't expect to get so soon]. He elaborated, after I expressed my interest and he spoke to the relevant parties, that there was definitive interest in bringing up someone new with an expectation of achieving the relevant education. Makes sense, 'cause the certification they want takes 5 years of experience and I'm not sure my past position would qualify. Regardless, it's exactly the job I want right now. Title I want, tasks I want, (hopefully) money I want, and the certification I want. This is potential to make my career right here. Why it's taken so long to motivate myself to get my resume finished and sent I don't really know. I can't escape my guilt.

I can't escape my guilt. True in many aspects of my life. Regardless of guilt, I just might be on precisely the road I want to be. I'm merely anxious to find out whether or not that's actually the case. Maybe I can shine enough during the remainder of the review process to make them work with me to get to the same place internally. Maybe I get to switch and get to something awesome. Who knows, really? The best I can be is to try and understand the most about my situations as I possibly can, and roll with whatever comes my way. Even if it's a boomerang.

[Luet]

Dear bob,

We woke up to a sick Yoyo kitty this morning. She was rubbing her eye terribly and upon examination I could see that a large patch of her cornea was gone. I didn't know what to do since it was a Saturday. Kimmie was of great help with some advice and we were able to get Yoyo to a local vet. They found a tiny piece of plastic wedged up under her eyelid that had scratched up her cornea. Anyway, it was a traumatic day for all of us.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

Need structure. Need motivation. Need to stop avoiding. Need to slow down in order to speed up.

Need a room of my own.

Not my office.

Need a personal assistant and/or housekeeper.

Need to open my mail and face some icky financial truths.

Need to be a better partner to my husband.

Cannot do these things when I spend one day of the weekend in pajamas and the other one feeling triumphant about doing one load of laundry that doesn't even get put away.

[powerfulcheese04]

I'm glad YoYo turned out ok, Nomi! How's she doing?

[Luet]

*hugs Kirsten*

Yoyo is doing very well. I've been using the ointment twice a day and today she's actually opening it more. Thanks again, Kim!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

Yeah, okay, I get it. I mean, I behave stupidly and even think stupid things. I'll own up to irrationality, dramatics, immaturity, the whole nine yards of things I loathe in other people; owning up to being judgmental, too.

But, I'm not actually a stupid person. So what is with the pounding me over the head with the same message over and over and over again? I so completely get it.


I had an appointment today, at 5:30. Told my dad we had to leave Tucson early enough to give me time to go.

I walked to the office, it's locked, lights are off. I was early, so I waited a few minutes. As it got closer to appointment time and nothing seemed to be happening, I called the number on the "Out of Office" door sign, goes to VM, left a message. Waited. For a phone call or a person to show up. Waited some more. After they were 15 minutes late, I started walking home, slowly, in case they called me to apologize but tell me they were there. After about 5 minutes of that, I resumed normal pace and here I am.

I find it telling of what exactly I am worth that someone who is getting paid to listen and help me doesn't even think I'm important or worth showing up for.

It's just me, after all. Who in the hell would I be if people thought I was worth a damn?

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I've found a (very) part time position as a shelving assistant at the university library. I really, really, really hope they hire me as it's one of the few jobs I've seen listed that I might remotely enjoy. It wouldn't be enough pay on its own even remotely, but at least it'd be something, and it'd give me a chance to try working in a library, which I've been trying to do for nearly a year now.

In other news, I've begun writing again. And I found a potential illustrator for my children's story, so we shall see how that goes. It all needs scads of editing, but maybe someday I'll have something worth submitting somewhere? Either way, I need to practice writing more because I like getting stuff down on paper and I've been woefully undisciplined in this matter (as with so many other matters).

~Rei

[Eaquae Legit]

Dear Bob,

Last night I was social! It's the first time I've felt like I belonged in this house. I found a couple of geeky (generally introverted) girls who like food and teas, and we talked for hours and got nothing at all done. It was nice. I have friends!

Sadly, this morning I woke up with my shoulder borked. It's hard to move my neck or my left shoulder. I'm really glad I didn't plan anything for today.

[Wil]

Dear Bob,

I write this from a state of lethargic haze, though the thought has been rolling around in my head for about six hours now. Despite the fact that my overall mood has been remarkably stable lately, I've simply become more aware of the minute changes. Right now, I am about the least stressed I've been in many years, and that is simply because I have no job, and am not going to school. I've essentially achieved hobo-mode. The prospect of trying to get a job in a 14% unemployment rate state makes me a little depressed.

Even still, there is a very subtle shift in my mood throughout the day. Not so much the normal variations one expects to go through, but more that, depending on the situation, or the timing, my confidence and self assuredness changes. One moment I'll feel enjoyment over the fact that this person might be showing me a small amount of closeness, then the next I'm wondering if that was actually real. Though, I've noticed that I am getting ever so slightly closer to some, but it's so slight that it's not even really worth mentioning.

Just, an example, I suppose. The other day, walking through the store, I passed someone sitting at a bench and I held their gaze the entire time I was walking by. Not that this is abnormal for me -- I've always gotten a kick out of seeing how long someone will hold my gaze. However, this was different. Not only was it slightly intimidating, but there was a connection there, however short it was. Something like confidence, in that I didn't look away because of their returned gaze for so long. A connection in that they didn't look away. It is so rare that when I look people right in the eye that they don't look away that I've just gotten used to people either not looking at me or only looking for a split second. I felt like going back and talking to them, but that would be so very unlike me.

In any case, we'll call that the maxima over my stable mood interval, and the minima would be more along the lines of, oh, I don't know. I can't actually think of a minima at the moment, though I know I've felt less than that. I know Amber at dinner last night spoke of how a new guy where she works makes her blush because she's so attracted to him, though I didn't react to that at all really.

I think the best parts of my life at the moment are seeing my baby cousin, just because he's so damn cute.

Wil

[Luet]

Bob,

I just had a sobbing spell. And I feel really stupid for it. I was trying to get by car out of my driveway and I failed miserably. I ended up getting it stuck diagonally with the front and back in two different snow banks, with the tires spinning on solid ice. I tried everything I could think of (rock salt, car mats under the tires, etc) and got nowhere. After half an hour and starting to smell bad things emanating from the car, I gave up and I'm waiting for my husband to get home. That's when I came inside and starting crying.

[Eaquae Legit]

*mega hugs for Nomi* Sorry I'm so late!

***

Dear Diary,

Hoccleve, facebook, pweb. Hoccleve, pweb, facebook. Pweb, Hoccleve, facebook.

Sometimes I wonder how productive I'd be if someone took my internet away, and then immediately I start justifying the internet with Jstor and EThOS, and I know it's a battle lost long ago.

[Confessions]

Bob,

I was shocked to see you so far down the first page. Sometimes I think it might be better if we didn't have so much to say to you. But I digress, I am here to talk about me. I really like to think that I don't care what people think. But it is amazing what the actions or in-actions of people can make me feel. And I don't think that half of them even know how much the effect (affect? I think I got it right) me. Sometimes I would really just like to fall into a book or a movie or a video game. I know what to expect from theose characters. And I would love to be brought into their universe, perhaps too much. Either way, I am not nearly as strong, hard or uncaring as most people see me as.

Adios Bob.

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

My stomach is in knots. Because of the appointment I'll be going to here shortly and because I'm suddenly nervous and stressed that I wasn't clear enough to the one person and I really don't want to add complications where there needn't be any.


In other news, I'm actually not depressed right now and don't completely hate today (yet, if it's going to happen). That's progress if ever I've seen it.

[starlooker]

Well, Bob, after the lizard tattoo, I ended up putting on three others. Pretty, glittery butterfly and flower things. One on my other forearm, and one on each of my upper arms, right below my scars. And I looked in the mirror at my own real tattoo, and suddenly was struck with a yearning for another one. And another yearning, to use my felt-tip markers and just go crazy drawing on my arms like I used to. It started with ball point pens in high school. I would cover my left hand in little ball-point-blue flowers, all over. I'd try to wash it off before my mother saw, as it drove her absolutely crazy when I would write on myself. And then it advanced my freshman year of college. Oh, God, they were intricate designs that would fill my entire left forearm and hand. Done in permanent marker so it would take several days to fade. Black, red, and blue, since those were the colors I had in these awesome sharpie markers that had a fine tip on one end, and a marker-tip on the other. Always started with eyes that were crying and worked my way out. Those really weren't the focal point of the design; their really wasn't one. Sometimes symbolic, sometimes not. I once cut into the tears, and it was one of the most powerful moments of expression I've ever experienced. Still have those scars on my forearm, three of the four, above the little lizard.

I don't miss hurting myself, Bob, and I haven't for a longish time. Not really missed it. When I start to, I immediately think back to the repurcussions from the last time and that puts a cold halt on the thought. But you know what I do miss? I miss my body-as-canvas. Skin as blank page on which to doodle.

I might ask my PCP to refer me to a dermatologist to consult with about my scars. I'm past the point of needing them or wanting them or fearing losing them. The memory of them as a part of me is enough, now. They are self, but not a particularly precious part of self anymore. I seldom really notice them in the mirror. Husband, when I've asked, says the same. Obviously, he sees them, but he doesn't really notice them anymore. They're just there. I swim with them, I don't suffer pangs of regret when I look at clothes without sleeves. I used to. God, it felt like spring and summer fashion season's sole purpose was to make me feel like a freak. But that's changed. Not being able to buy shorts or sleeveless shirts basically strikes me like not being able to buy a tube top -- just wrong for my body, not something to blame anyone for, a simple matter of taste given what I look like. But I was thinking Saturday night of a three-year old who once asked me about the scars, and the look of concern on his face, and I think about someday what, should I have children, they might ask me, and that causes an inner trembling. The story is past, but the retelling is painful to certain audiences.

The retelling is also powerful. I am feeling rising in me a major desire for an expression of me. Written, artistic, whatever. A reconnection with things remote. It needs to happen. I need that to happen. I need myself to have a more clear context.

[Rei]

Dear Bob,

I really need to find work, if only for my own sanity. I had a dream during a nap today that I was checking in at a place I'd been applying to and had hopes for just to see when they were planning to do interviews only to find that they were doing them right then and had deliberately not called me for one. This is not helping my now near-perpetual anxiety. I did check at a few places today about work and they're all hesitant and nobody can tell me when they're planning to do interviews. It's kind of like they just put a sign in the window and then wait to see what happens. So far it looks like nobody is planning to do interviews before March, though, and a number of places look like not before mid-March. So much for looking like places were interviewing for end of January, or February--oh wait, I just didn't get called back for any of them.

Stupid not being qualified for anything and being overqualified for anything I might remotely be considered qualified for.

Rei

[Confessions]

Bob,

If there was any time that I don't want to be right it'd be now. I just want to be worth something. To somebody that isn't me, or whose genetic success doesn't depend at least partially on my own. It seems to me that my value in others' eyes extends no farther than what I can do for them. What value do I have, then, if what I can do is unknown? I should have value as a person. My time and attention should carry an intrinsic value, does it not? Not to most people, I guess. Who can blame them, though - the average individual's time or attention is a resource that is readily available and as such has a low value. I just want to be recognized as better than that. Worth the cost of investigation. I want to be worth something as me, an individual, rather than a body in a chair or a cog in a machine.

Worth anything, really.

[Gravity Defier]

Dear Bob,

I really need to find work, if only for my own sanity. I had a dream during a nap today that I was checking in at a place I'd been applying to and had hopes for just to see when they were planning to do interviews only to find that they were doing them right then and had deliberately not called me for one. This is not helping my now near-perpetual anxiety. I did check at a few places today about work and they're all hesitant and nobody can tell me when they're planning to do interviews. It's kind of like they just put a sign in the window and then wait to see what happens. So far it looks like nobody is planning to do interviews before March, though, and a number of places look like not before mid-March. So much for looking like places were interviewing for end of January, or February--oh wait, I just didn't get called back for any of them.

Stupid not being qualified for anything and being overqualified for anything I might remotely be considered qualified for.

Rei

I really empathize with this. I've struggled, since graduating, with finding work thanks to many different factors and for many different reasons. It's my biggest fear about moving and an anxiety that hangs over my head in the meantime, while I'm planning out when to search and submit. I want to move, I want to be able to support myself when I do, what if I struggle with getting a job there, let alone one that will pay well enough, the same way I've struggled here?

Some people have no idea what that struggle is like and while I'm glad they have more success, I'm also a little frustrated by my lack thereof.

I will keep my fingers crossed for something for you, Rei. It's awful, being in that position.

[steph]

Dear Bob,

I'M GOING TO HONG KONG!!!!!!!!

[Rei]

Ooooh! Do tell!

[steph]

Brian has been invited by a mall in Hong Kong to break the world record for egg balancing in April. They have agreed to pay for me to go along. I'm so excited!!!

[starlooker]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS SO, SO, SO AWESOME!

I usually leave the task of telling people that they MUST post pictures to other people, but in this case, I am taking it upon myself. I totally want to see!

[Gravity Defier]

I'm happy for you, Steph. Sounds like a ton of fun. :) Seconding the request for pictures.

[steph]

It seems so surreal that I'm going to Hong Kong in a few weeks. (Pics will be shared, of course.) There is so much to plan and coordinate in that time just for the trip, not to mention we need to go see Brian's family one of these weekends, since we saw them last at christmas and we barely saw them at all, Kinley's birthday, her Luau, my family's chili cook-off, sample dinner party for the Gone With the Wind Prom that my friends and I are having in June, getting taxes done (still waiting on a stupid form from the CPA who oversaw Brian's grandma's estate. Isn't it way past the legal date for mailing out tax forms?), volunteering in Tyler's class, chaperoning his field trip, finding any free moment for Brian to work overtime so we can pay for souvenirs and possibly a laptop so that we can keep in touch with the kids while we're gone, etc, etc, etc. I'm not sure I'm going to make it!

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

As it turns out, I'm not over that news yet. It's been over a month, close to two, and I still feel betrayed somehow. The kicker is, in truly infantile fashion, I started it -months before and wasn't even nice about it- and there was, there is, no way it is actually a betrayal. That lack of (more) complete trust I now have, that makes me wonder if the quiet or absence means something having to do with that, that suspicion and stomach-turning fear, is completely: irrational, unfair, unjustified.


But...it's there. And it makes me sad, a little. Sometimes a lot.


I miss all sorts of stuff all the time but I think, more than anything else, I miss being blind, ignorant, and/or naive. I was so happy when I was any combination of those things.

[starlooker]

Dear Bob,

It's easy to become callous, in a way. You have to. That's not to say you don't take it very seriously. But if you let your fear run things, you won't be able to help people in the way they actually need. They need someone with a high tolerance for risk and a strong belief that they can get through without resorting to Final Exit-style measures or constantly being in a hospital under surveillance. You get so used to people who actually do learn to live with suicidal thoughts, get so used to being able to get people to commit to live for at least another week, get so used to them following through with that commitment, and then for another week, and another. You get used to hearing about desperation and loneliness and misery and used to slowly, slowly teaching people that they can feel all these things and still go forward. It's easy to start taking for granted that they will.

Neither of my major scares this week were actually under my professional care at the time. But still. Guilt. Fear. Anger. Grief, even though everyone is safe, thank God. And questioning if I can still be that person who is bound and determined that yes, you WILL live and no, I WON'T panic when you use the S-word because we CAN find a way for you to make it. I think I can. But, God, I hope that there are no more really acute situations this week because I have an inkling that me pleading with a person to not be suicidal because I can't take any more f****** stress and fear and feelings of failure right now would not be therapeutic.

But I know how to handle this. I have tools. I have resources. I can observe my own limits. And I have to accept that I've chosen a line of work with a population that is inherently extremely impulsive and high risk. And someday I may lose someone. And it has not happened yet, thank God.

I don't talk about my feelings about my profession often, Bob, but I really f****** needed to.

By the by, a few hugs would be rather appreciated right now.

[Luet]

*huge hugs*

I am so inspired by the work you do.

[Eaquae Legit]

*many big hugs for Kirsten*

[Gravity Defier]

*lots o' hugs* Kirsten, you and what you do are amazing.

[steph]

*hugs* You're awesome.

[Rei]

*many hugs for Kirsten*

[starlooker]

Thanks, everyone. That helped. I'm feeling more upbeat about things again, today. More my usual self.

[daPyr0x]

Dear Bob,

I'm lonely. I just thought I'd tell you that 'cause, well, I don't really have anyone else to tell. Self-fulfilling my ass. The social highlight of my month was a coworker taking me for a drink a couple weeks ago. That's a less positive item than it sounds, as said coworker is a general thorn in my side because she's not the most swift, she's also my mom's age (and no, not trying to hit on me, haha).

That's the hiighlight of my month. That's really not right. When I learned to make it moving away from everyone it was based on the knowledge I could look back to them, through various means of communication and occasional visits. I was alone, sure; but keeping in regular touch with everyone I was close with made it bearable. I've never really made the work to actually build a new social network, and as my relationships die off one by one I've nothing to replace them. I can't. I have no idea how to create, nurture, or maintain direct independent friendships. What I mean by that as in direct - primarily face-to-face, close proximity, see often; and independent - someone I'd see outside of school/work contexts.

It makes me sad and confused. Everyone loves me yet nobody knows me. Somehow, both parties appear to prefer it that way.

Thanks for listening, Bob,

--Me

[Gravity Defier]

Bob,

I finally got a hold of someone at the lawyer's office. We meet the 11th.


I got some news, that's not really news, more information to the order of "This is how the court system works" that makes me suddenly pessimistic about having any shot in hell in actually getting my charges set-aside.