Cause Breakin' Up Is Still Hard To Do

[anonshadow]

Yeah that one.

My second-to-last boyfriend took up a lot of my time, and I stopped talking to my best friend shortly after I started dating him. She didn't like him, didn't approve of him, and I couldn't step back and see that she was right, and that she loved me more than he ever could have. Once I started seeing that I was wrong, I went back, and it took us awhile to get back to being really comfortable, but now we, well, are--and even when we weren't, she was there for me.

So I guess my point is, go back to your friends. Sometimes they're not interested, but sometimes thinking that someone is all you have is a view that's really, really wrong.

At any rate. I'm sorry, and echo the multitudes of others saying that if you want to talk, tell me. I haven't really been there; I was the one who ended both of my more long-term relationships, and the second was such a relief to get out of that I wanted to dance in the street. (And did.) But I can try.

[fawkes]

i wish i could forget. i feel so numb right now. i can't even cry anymore. it still hurts to breathe.

[fawkes]

I've decided something. I'm not going to let him break me down. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to show him that he made a huge mistake. I'm going to overcome this. I know it will be hard, and there will be days when I'll mis him so much, I'll feel like I'm being torn apart. But I'm not going to let it stop me.

This is not the end of my life.

Thanks for helping me stay strong, everybody. I made a huge mistake when I left.

[Rei]

Good for you. Stick with that resolve as best as you can. It isn't the end and you can beat this.

[fawkes]

I went back to work today. Everything was ok until lunch. I always called him on my lunch break. I couldn't eat anything, all I did was cry. I'm lucky, though. Everyone I told was so supportive. One of the girls I work with even bought me chocolate. She rocks.

It's been 3 days. I'm still having trouble believing it. I spent 3 years with him. How can I get over it? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I can't even hate him yet.

[fawkes]

I can't stop thinking about him. I just think over and over, "3 years, after 3 years he did this, we were together for 3 years." Christ, I started dating him pretty much straight out of high school. What hurts the most is he couldn't do it to my face. You'd think after all that time together, the least he could do is do it in person. I mean, how the Hell am I supposed to get any closure if he couldn't talk to me face to face? I keep thinking if I could only see him in person one more time, it might be easier.

[anonshadow]

I know people who say, "It'd be easier, just seeing them one last time." I don't think that's ever true. It's when you stop caring about seeing them that you've let go--otherwise, you're just fixating. I mean, hugs, and all that, but...

[powerfulcheese04]

It isn't easier to see them in person. (I would assume. I haven't ever actually been broken up with.)

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, I did do it in person. It was hard, and weird, and awkward. But I had checked out of the relationship before that time. I'd been thinking about it for a month or so and thinking seriously about it for about a week. I had decided that just because they'll never leave you, and you are therefore safe in that relationship's existance, isn't love and isn't a good enough reason to be in a relationship. Especially one that has serious viability problems (like that his family hated me, like that he's allergic to cats and I want to be a veterinarian, like that he isn't physically attractive (and never really has been.))

[daPyr0x]

I...like that he isn't physically attractive (and never really has been.)

I really should resist saying this, but BUUUUURRRRRNNNN. Sorry, 70's show moment...

I don't really have anything good to add to the subject. I was broken up with over the phone, in a rather....s***** situation. Since that, I've not really had any serious girlfriends (though one could say I've "broken up" with girls since; and that's always been over the phone).

And it's not easier, seeing them one last time. I saw her one last time, for reasons I really couldn't explain to myself then, much less now; but I did. It didn't make anything easier for me.

However, I will say this. You're right, he's a coward. You deserved better than that. But obviously that's not what he was willing to give you. No matter how much you love(d) him, he didn't give you what you deserved - even if only at the end. There are guys out there who will give you what you deserve. There are guys out there that will become what you once wanted him to become. And there are guys out there that will make you glad you ended up with them, and not with him.

It will get better. It will heal. You will recover, and get over him. But it will take time, it won't be overnight. How much time is unknown; but it will happen. Focus on you; on being you, without him, and re-learning who that you is. I changed a lot of my life and myself for my ex, and it's been a long and very interesting road for me to come back to what I am and I'm still travelling it; but until you are back to you as you, you're going to miss him as a part of your life.

But now I'm just rambling, because I do that when I get onto a topic, about things that I'm sure aren't even relevant to you right now; so I'll stop :-p

[zeroguy]

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, I did do it in person. It was hard, and weird, and awkward.

I just want to say thanks to everyone that had the courage to do this. My ex broke up with me in person (and she later told me that she almost opted for a letter or phonecall instead), and although I know it wasn't easy, I think it does make a difference, and I am thankful.

[Eddie Pinz]

like that he isn't physically attractive (and never really has been.))

Ouch...I hope that wasn't brought up in the break up. If some one I had been dating for three years pretty much told me that I was ugly, I don't know what I would do. But that would definitely be throwing salt in the wounds.

[eriador]

When I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, I did do it in person. It was hard, and weird, and awkward.

I just want to say thanks to everyone that had the courage to do this. My ex broke up with me in person (and she later told me that she almost opted for a letter or phonecall instead), and although I know it wasn't easy, I think it does make a difference, and I am thankful.

I agree. I may have had a hard breakup, but the fact that she was able to come to me and say "we should just be friends" made understanding much easier, and made everything work out better.

[powerfulcheese04]

like that he isn't physically attractive (and never really has been.))

Ouch...I hope that wasn't brought up in the break up. If some one I had been dating for three years pretty much told me that I was ugly, I don't know what I would do. But that would definitely be throwing salt in the wounds.

Come on, Ed! I definitely didn't say that to him! I tried a lot during our relationship to get him to change the things I didn't like (with mixed success) but didn't mention it at all during the break up.

[Eddie Pinz]

I knew that you didn't Kim. Well I was 99.9% sure that you didn't. There's always that little doubt. Sometimes people I know very well shock me by doing things that I would never in a million year imagine them doing. But could you imagine someone saying that to you during a break. Wow, that would be the worst.

[powerfulcheese04]

Good! I'm glad you don't think I'm terrible. I can't imagine how awful it would be to hear that from a long term SO.

[anonshadow]

I still feel kind of bad that I didn't dump either of my longterm boyfriends in person, but I didn't really have a choice. One was off to go to school on the other side of the country and I wouldn't have seen him for four months, and the other lived far away and I wouldn't have seen him for at least two or three--and honestly, he'd been drawing the breakup out for about four months, so my sympathy was limited.

[fawkes]

It's been a week today. I've already started thinking about him less. It still hurts, and sometimes I still feel out of breath, but it's much better. I think I might be ok now. Well, not totally ok, it's going to take a long time for that, but at least I'm not wallowing in self-misery. I figure as long as I keep a positive attitude, I'll be fine. It's hard, sometimes, and I still feel sick to my stomach and can't sleep at night.

I guess it's hard to describe exactly what it's like. I mean, we'd been growing apart the last few months, so I guess that makes it a little easier. Last month, after he'd been out drinking with friends, he said he didn't think he loved me anymore. He took it back, but since then I'd had a hard time believing him when he said he loved me. I just wish he'd been honest with me these last few months.

Well, on the bright side, Dad and I got a Wii today. That'll help a little

[anonshadow]

Good!

[fawkes]

Having kind of a hard time tonight. I still miss him. Damn him. Damn him for breaking my heart. Damn him for making me love him.

[fawkes]

It's been two weeks today. It already feels like a lifetime. I feel so hopeless right now. I wanted to marry him. What am I supposed to do now? It feels like I'll never find anyone I'll love as much as I loved him. God, I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him! IT'S NOT FAIR! I DON'T WANT TO START DATING AGAIN! YOU BASTARD! I want to scream at him. God, I feel so alone.

[fawkes]

I've decided to invent a magic "make everything better" button. Put in your preorders now! They'll be selling out fast!

I just want to stop hurting. I feel so betrayed. I don't think I mentioned it before, but the day before he broke up with me, he came over to my house and took a bunch of his stuff back. He said he needed this one thing, and while he was "helping" me look, he found a buch of other stuff that he took with him.

I just don't understand how he could hurt me like this. He didn't even let me fight back. He said everything he had to say, all the hurtful, hateful things he could, and when I started to talk back, he hung up on me. It's so unfair. He never gave me a chance. Coward.

[zeroguy]

I've decided to invent a magic "make everything better" button. Put in your preorders now! They'll be selling out fast!

It's behind the bookshelf (look at the mouseover text, not the comic).

I just don't understand how he could hurt me like this. He didn't even let me fight back. He said everything he had to say, all the hurtful, hateful things he could, and when I started to talk back, he hung up on me. It's so unfair. He never gave me a chance. Coward.

May I say that it sounds like this guy sucks?

[fawkes]

Yes, yes he does.

I pre-ordered a Star Trek figurine for him for Christmas at the begining of December. It came today. I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to send it back, I don't want to keep it. I know it sounds weird, but I bought it for him, so I want him to have it. I don't really want to see him again (what a lie!), I just want to leave it on his porch or something, along with a garbage bag full of other stuff he's given me over the years, and a note telling him I want to "split up the estate", as it were. See, for pretty much our entire relationship, we collected manga together. He has most of it at his house. I don't think that's fair. There's hundreds of dollars worth of books there that I've bought, too, and I want some of them back, dammit. He shouldn't get to keep everything.

I still can't get mad at him. I hurt so much, but I still miss him so much, and I hate him for it. I hate him but I still love him so much. I feel like I'm being torn apart and I can't take it anymore.

[eriador]

I know it sounds mean, but get over it. It will be better in the end if you can get over the "i hate him" part and try to make things better.

[Young Val]

Spoken like someone who's never been dumped after a multi-year-long relationship, Fetus.


Blue, the best advice I can offer you is to keep busy. Do anything you can. Go out with friends, go out alone, throw yourself into a hobby, DO something. It won't stop your pain at all, it won't even soften it, really, but truly, if I could go back and give myself some advice during my break up with Henry, it would be to get out of bed and STAY BUSY. The more you're doing with your hands and your mind the sooner you can realize that you are at the very least still surviving on your own, whether you want to be or not.

Hang in there.

[fawkes]

I know it sounds mean, but get over it. It will be better in the end if you can get over the "i hate him" part and try to make things better.

Oh, excuse me. Let me know the next time something devastating happens to you so I can s*** all over you.

Val, my mom and I are taking a ceramics class together starting next monday, so I do have something to keep me busy.

I just keep catching myself thinking about it and I feel this knot in my chest tighten and it feels like something is being ripped out of my chest. That's what's so hard. This isn't just emotional pain, it's physical, too. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't breathe, and I don't have anything to take my mind off it but work, and that doesn't work because he works for the same company so everything I do just cycles back on itself.

I don't want to whine or feel sorry for myself. I hate feeling this way, and I hate complaining about it over and over, but this is the only place I have right now where people will talk to me and comfort me and understand what I'm going through.

[eriador]

Spoken like someone who's never been dumped after a multi-year-long relationship, Fetus.

I'm not saying that what she's feeling is invalid, or that she shouldn't be, but she shouldn't aim to linger in it. If she feels the way she said she did, the best thing to do is let it run its course. Don't hold onto it. Just let it go. I know too many people who can't let go of the feeling of being devastated. It sucks for everyone involved. I can't think of a better way to say it.

[fawkes]

It's only been 2 weeks! Dear God, give me some time! You think I like feeling this way? That I'm holding on to the misery and crushing lonliness because I like it? f*** you! I was with him for three f****** years and he dumped me over the phone! Do you have any idea how it feels to have the person you've devoted years of your life to only to have them completely disregard your feelings and hide behind a phone line so they don't have to see just how much they're hurting you? I'm not trying to dwell or linger, but it takes more than two weeks to get over someone you loved for years.

[eriador]

Fair enough... I wasn't saying to rush it. I have no problem with you taking months at this. Months.

A friend of mine once said "a day for every week since you got together." By that reasoning, you have five months. That's fair. I'll bow out now.

And I'm sorry for any offense I may have given. Subtlety is an art I have no skill in.

[Wil]

Perhaps I can be of some help here:

I believe all he means is that be careful about dwelling too long in the depression void. It ends up being where you have nothing left of him EXCEPT the depressive/hatred state of mind so you refuse to let go. Even if you don't see it now, you most likely will later.

I'd say confront him. Even if you'll feel bad for it, it really does help if you can tell them what is on your mind otherwise it will explode out in other ways.

As everyone else has said: You'll get over it; One day at a time; Etc etc.

[Jayelle]

A friend of mine once said "a day for every week since you got together." By that reasoning, you have five months. That's fair. I'll bow out now.

That's absolute crap. There is no time limit on mourning - if he had died, you wouldn't be saying that.
And that's what this is- a type of death. It's the death of your current self, it's the death of what you've come to know as "this is my life right now".

So, mourn it. It deserves to be mourned. And there's no time limit on mourning.

[Rei]

Blue, I can't stress enough what Kelly said about keeping busy. During a particularly intense break-up I once had, that is what kept me going: the fact that as much as all I wanted was to die, I was still moving, still going through the motions of life, and eventually, with much work, I found myself enjoying things again. So as she said, go out with friends, go out by yourself, take up a hobby, whatever. Go for walks and read books in coffee shops. It is similar to waiting for a pot to boil: it may well still take just as long if you keep yourself busy, but hopefully the time will pass faster.

[Eaquae Legit]

A friend of mine once said "a day for every week since you got together." By that reasoning, you have five months. That's fair. I'll bow out now.

That's absolute crap. There is no time limit on mourning - if he had died, you wouldn't be saying that.
And that's what this is- a type of death. It's the death of your current self, it's the death of what you've come to know as "this is my life right now".

So, mourn it. It deserves to be mourned. And there's no time limit on mourning.

That's beautiful, Jan, and very true I think. One of my friends here is still dealing with a breakup that took place seven months ago. Breakups aren't easy, and much worse when it's a relationship you thought would last forever. When it's a relationship you trusted. You're also mourning the loss of that trust, like being anchorless.

Go with what pretty much everyone is saying. Take the time you need, and seek out what comfort you need.

And I am of the opinion that you should have a say as to the manga.

[jotabe]

Yes, it's kind of death... when a relationship has been serious, and lasted for a long time... years... you start making all your vital plans around that relationship. You build your world around it.
When that corner stone disappears, everything collapses... and you have to... almost to learn to live again, to rebuild your life.

[Eaquae Legit]

And hey, for a little inspiration, check this post out.