Cause Breakin' Up Is Still Hard To Do

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!
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Postby VelvetElvis » Mon Feb 18, 2008 5:45 pm

Fair enough... I wasn't saying to rush it. I have no problem with you taking months at this. Months.

A friend of mine once said "a day for every week since you got together." By that reasoning, you have five months. That's fair. I'll bow out now.

And I'm sorry for any offense I may have given. Subtlety is an art I have no skill in.
A subtle jerk is still a jerk, fetus.
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Postby eriador » Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:37 pm

This is true, but a jerk can still be right, and a subtle jerk bugs fewer people, and so is less likely to be recognized for what he is, which means people are more likely to listen.

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Postby fawkes » Tue Mar 11, 2008 1:17 pm

I saw him yesterday. I gave him his stuff back. I asked him why he didn't have the decency to do it in person. He got that look he has when he's being sarcastic, and said "Because I'm a douchebag". I got the last word, though. I told him he's disgusting, then slammed the door in his face (Ok, I pushed the garage door button angrily, but the intent was there).

I didn't feel anything for him. I mean, I was angry, my heart was beating fast, and I couldn't breathe, but I didn't miss him, or love him, or hate him. There was nothing.

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Thu Mar 13, 2008 9:48 am

*hugs blue*
-Kim

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Postby starlooker » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:09 pm

So, am I the first breaker-upper rather than breaken-up-with to post here?

Anyways, yeah. That was much harder than I thought it would be. He was perfect about it. Over the phone, which I wouldn't have really preferred, but it worked. We're meeting later this week to really talk about what to do in the next several months. Nice. Understanding. Only slightly bitter. I wish he were mean and angry and horrid, because then I'd have something to hold on to and be mad and feel righteously indignant about, instead of just cowardly and mean.

I wish there were someone else. I wish there were something tangible that I was getting from this break, other than sad.

And I've basically been crying all night, except when with friends. Like I'm about to be again. Because I despise puffy eyes. Or, at least, my eyes. When they're puffy.

I preferred my life when anticipation was worse than reality.

Yes, this was the right thing to do. I'm just melancholy.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Wil » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:26 pm

Silly womenz... mad when we're mad.. mad when we're NOT mad.. make up your minds!

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Mon Apr 07, 2008 10:55 pm

I broke up not too long ago, Kristen... I just didn't talk about it here.

I ended a 3 year (and some months) relationship in December.

It probably should have ended at about 8 months when I realized his parents hated me for some reason. Or again at about a year and a half when we were fighting constantly when he was graduating. Or at 2 years when he lied to me for a semester about a broken promise (that he was breaking repeatedly). Or at that same time period when I broke a promise to him. Or at 2.5 years when I realized the only reason he wasn't a heavy drinker was because I guilted him into it (and that was after the 2nd year lie.)

It finally ended at 3.something when I decided that safe wasn't enough of a reason to be with someone. Especially when it was really hard. So, I ended it.

I was sad. It was painful. But I am SO much happier without him (and with a new guy.)
-Kim

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Postby Luet » Tue Apr 08, 2008 11:25 am

If it felt right for you, then it was the right thing to do. The fact that he handled it maturely just proves that you are getting good at picking worthy partners. I'm glad you got it over with though and I hope that the coming weeks aren't horrible. *hugs*
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:01 pm

*hugs Kirsten*
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Postby Young Val » Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:19 pm

If you want to get super-technical, I broke up with Henry. But although I'm the one who "officially" ended it--it was over long before that point, and I'm not the one who wanted it to end.

Beyond that, I've never been the real breaker-upper. Which I guess is another way of saying I've been dumped a lot.

It's rough going on either side of the fence, though.


:::hugs:::
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
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I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby anonshadow » Tue Apr 08, 2008 2:55 pm

I broke up with someone more than a year ago. It was hard, largely because I wasn't sure if he'd end up killing himself and was pretty sure I didn't care. The breakup was basically drawn out for six months, and he was so, totally, completely not right for me, and I still don't know why I dated him and kind of wish he'd completely drop off the face of the earth. It's really hard being nice about him to the few friends who haven't decided to hate him, because I'm tired of pretending he's not a bad person. I don't feel s***** about dumping him, but I feel s***** about myself for ever having been with him, and now I don't trust my judgment and am far more tentative with romance because I don't want to be to someone else what he was to me and drag them down into this abyss of desperation and despair and loneliness. It also means that I'm much more cut off from my friends, and I talk to them about problems much less.



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Postby starlooker » Tue Apr 08, 2008 8:21 pm

I'm just depressed today. Not really ruminating on it. Not really any conscious sort of pain. Not really pushing to analyze whether or not I was right. Just not wanting to get out of bed or do anything or move or talk to anyone today.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Derwyddon » Wed Apr 09, 2008 10:54 am

I left my husband.

This f****** sucks.
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Postby Jayelle » Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:00 am

Holy Frick. Recently?
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Postby Derwyddon » Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:20 am

Today. Right now. Packing up while he's sleeping (I told him before he went to bed)
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Postby daPyr0x » Wed Apr 09, 2008 1:35 pm

...wow.

Good luck, Der. It's not gonna be easy.
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Postby Derwyddon » Wed Apr 09, 2008 5:57 pm

yeah... not doin' too good over here :P
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Postby starlooker » Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:40 pm

We went out to dinner. He paid. We shopped. We went home. Played video games. Watched a movie.

Finally, finally, finally we talked.

Sort of. Not really. Neither of us is good at putting feelings into words. (Note: I am very good at putting OTHER people's feelings into words. However, when it comes to my own, I get stumped.) Everything's still unsettled and the same and the only difference is that I feel genuinely awful again.

I don't know. He said he'd been thinking about what I'd said, and I said it wasn't easy coming to that decision, and he said he knew. And then I said I'm sorry, and he told me there was no reason to be, and I said that I am, anyways, and that's when I started crying. And then we both pretty well agreed that we don't want to do the long-distance thing. And then I asked what to do in the next few months, and he didn't say anything for a long time. And I said that, basically, it was up to him how we handle it because I really want to do whatever hurts him less. He held me for a long, long time, and I would randomly break out into tears. (Taking away somewhat from the romance of this were the frequent breaks I needed to blow my nose and the infomercials for male enhancement products and Girls Gone Wild videos that were playing in the background.) He didn't say anything for a long time. His eyes were red, and finally he said that he didn't know what to say, he needs to think about it for a few days. And then, after a while, he very gently kicked me out of his place around 4:00 AM and I drove around crying till 5:30 this morning. He scraped the ice off my windshields for me before I left.

So, situation is pretty well the same, except that I'm back to random bouts of crying today, which had been subsiding somewhat.

There was a lot I was looking forward to doing with him this summer, really. I don't know. And half my mind really had been secretly prepping to move with someone, so trying to think of moving alone makes me sad.

I have a friend in the program who got divorced his first year working on the Ph.D. He's been really helpful. My other friends, eh, not so much.

My self-esteem is for s*** these days. I hate the way I look, think, talk, act, exist, etc. I know that this will subside eventually. It's just difficult now.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:55 pm

*hugs and plops a big bag of jellybeans on the table*
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby powerfulcheese04 » Sun Apr 13, 2008 6:59 pm

*hugs*
-Kim

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Postby Luet » Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:08 pm

I'm so sorry Kirsten. I don't know if it makes it better or worse that he's being such a good guy about it all, but I still think you're doing the right thing for you. I know you know it will get better but right now it sucks hard. *hugs*
"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." - Albert Camus in Return to Tipasa

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Postby anonshadow » Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:01 pm

*hugs Kirsten*



This isn't exactly breaking up, not recently anyway, but I'm having some trust issues with my new boyfriend based on issues I had with my last boyfriend. My two serious relationships prior to this didn't go well. I still talk to the first ex, after about a year of not speaking, and he's a good person, but our relationship after the first 6 or 7 months wasn't great. It ended up deteriorating because we both had some serious problems in our lives, and I don't think we were right for each other, but the breakup was nasty. Then I started dating someone else who... I don't know. The relationship just didn't go well. He had some serious self-esteem and self-image problems, and I really shouldn't have been getting involved with him. As a result of those two relationships, I'm having a really hard time trusting my new boyfriend and getting into the concept of a healthy happy relationship. I'm always expecting ulterior motives, and I really like this guy, you know? I don't want to self-sabotage, especially not when he's actually very sweet without my feeling like I'm being manipulated by it.
Last edited by anonshadow on Thu Nov 19, 2009 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.



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Postby Derwyddon » Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:31 am

Someone tell me it's okay to feel so bad.
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Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:38 pm

It's very okay, and perfectly normal. Honestly.
"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

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Postby Derwyddon » Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:42 pm

I just spent the last 12 hours driving to petoskey, getting all my s***, and driving back. I'm exausted.
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Postby Young Val » Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:28 am

:::hugs:::
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant

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Postby starlooker » Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:51 pm

**hugs everyone back**

And now I'm just confused.

Okay.

So.

Right.

So, he doesn't call or text or anything, and we end up running into each other at mutual friends' house on Friday, when we're polite but mostly ignore each other and then he called yesterday and wanted to get together and talk. So I went over. And, I don't know. Anyways. He took the week off to drink, sounds like. And has been miserable, etc, because he was shocked that I didn't want to even try the long-distance thing. Which I thought he didn't want either because of a previous conversation. But I don't. I don't want the long-distance thing. But that's hard to say. Because he's so hopeful. Because here's this person who is holding himself out to me and saying, "I had hoped my future was you." (Not in those words, but yeah.) So everything was left very unclear last night. Because I can't commit to that. But I want to. But I'm not there. But I've missed him. But -- I don't know. We talked. I feel better. Except I'm scared we're going to talk again and I'm going to keep hurting him and I don't know what to do; I'm going insane.

Oh, and yes, of course there was sex which probably didn't help with the clarity but which I don't regret all the same.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...

~~Mary Chapin Carpenter

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Postby Jayelle » Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

But I don't know how soon is too soon to talk about some of my issues, and about my past, and the thing is, I think he'd be willing to listen and help, but I'm terrified of getting into something like I was in.

Help?
My advice is to talk to him about it. It's not a relationship without communication. Keeping your guard up at first is not always a bad idea, but you have to let it down eventually. If you want to have a future, you're going to eventually have to face this stuff. Things don't just go away magically.

As well as him/ before you talk to him, talk to a trusted friend, relative or even a counselor about trust issues. Sometimes they can help bring you down from a bit of crazy, before you're comfortable having a big "talk" with the guy.
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Postby anonshadow » Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:06 am

This is good advice. Thank you. And mostly, that was my method, although the start wasn't a great plan.

Friday night I didn't approach it in the best manner (I got drunk to deal with my problems), but I talked to a friend about it for awhile. Then sent him a drunk email, that ended with my informing him that he snores. Um. His response was a massive blink and a "We're going to talk about this when we're actually with each other." Which we decided would be Sunday, as he had stuff to do Saturday.

Between Friday night and Sunday afternoon, I ended up talking to a few good friends about it. When he got here, I ended up sobbing and apologizing endlessly for being a problem and not being worth it and he informed me that I was worth it. Which helped.

And hugs to everyone else. Seriously.



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Postby puppets » Tue Apr 22, 2008 6:32 am

Well I haven't posted anything yet, and my breakup happened a few months ago. But..

We had a long distance relationship, about 500 miles. Well I decide to go on my trip. And my frist stop is, you can guess, my girlfriend of a year, also known as my best friend of the past 3 years, house.

So what happens when a boy in love goes to the girl he loves house? She smiles at him, and after an awkward moment, she states, "I am a lesbian now, here is my girlfriend."

I swear I stood there for a moment with my mouth on the floor, I almost thought she was joking til I saw the girl, who was 16 and looked like a boy.

That was the worst slap across my face. Ever.

And that was only about 6 months ago. I say only cause it still feels like it was yesterday.

I'm sure some of you have worse stories, but, that hurt worse than nearly anything I felt, though I'm doing much better now, I just continued my trip and didn't dwell on it til I got home.
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Postby Yebra » Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:13 pm

Ouche!

And hugs to all.
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Postby Derwyddon » Tue Apr 22, 2008 3:37 pm

Things are going okay with the divorce. we're filing for bankruptcy and then going through with the divorce. I get the kid and the van, he gets whatever the hell a guy who treated his wife like crap for 3 years and then was surprised when she left him gets.
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Postby Wind Swept » Tue Apr 22, 2008 5:41 pm

I haven't precisely gone through a break up, but it provides a similarly miserable feeling:

I started talking to a girl on Facebook last February on the grounds that she was the only other person at my school to have "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency" listed in their profile. We exchanged a few Facebook messages, started talking on MSN over the summer, and decided we might as well hangout in person when we discovered we were living in the same building, come fall.

We ended up spending six hours on a watching movies on a Saturday in September, and have been "actual" friends from there on in. After about a month, having spent most of it hanging out together, I called her up and asked her out. I received the incredibly ambiguous response, "Um.. That was quick... No.. Um... Not yet. No."

I'm quite happy just being her friend, but it's been sitting in the back of my mind that, you know, maybe eventually... And as time has gone by, that little seed of hope planted by, "Not yet," has been growing, despite my best efforts to tell it to shut the hell up.

And now, after several days of building up to it, we had the conversation that I thought would be her admitting that maybe more than a friendship would be worth a shot. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a conversation in which she revealed to me that she's had a crush on some other guy for over a year now.

Which sucks.

A lot.

I never, ever wanted to be this guy. And now I am.
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Postby Jayelle » Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:18 pm

Maybe this is bad advice, but...
Don't give up hope. I have been in the situation where I think that I'm crushing on someone different when the perfect person is right there in front of me. It just took me a bit to notice "Oh hey, I like HIM instead."

But... then again, that was me.
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Postby Wil » Tue Apr 22, 2008 7:35 pm

Silly womenz >.>


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