Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

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Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Oct 24, 2012 6:20 pm

Threads I know we have where this sort of thing might fit:
[*]Smells in My Kitchen
[*]Mouthgasm
[*]Working Out is Fun To Do
[*]The Girly Thread
[*]Chunky Monkeys from Funky Town
[*]Bob
[*]Confessions
[*]Things You Want to Tell Your Body
[*]Pastwatch

But I don't want to talk about how great a cook I am (I'm not a great cook...I "make" cereal for as many meals a day as possible because I'm tired of food being necessary and don't think the effort is always worth the outcome). I don't want to just talk about the great food others introduce me to or food I eat at restaurants.

If I step into the exercise thread, I'm going to feel inadequate, get lectured (though really, it's well-intentioned, entirely unwanted advice), or both. I don't want to take over the Girly Thread with all this because I'm not sure it's as girl specific an issue as it may seem. Chunky Monkey thread, while about a serious issue/set of issues, is not quite the right venue for this, though it's closest of all the threads we have.

And, to shorten this up, etc. etc. I want a new, safe place to not get advice or tips or anything other than a shoulder to lean on and a place to keep track of my struggles and successes with trying to be healthy in food, exercise, and life in general.

Sometimes it might read as a food journal. Sometimes I might come in angry, sad, or depressed. Other times I might be happy or feel triumphant.

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One of the first things I always try to ask myself when I start worrying about my weight (more than usual) is whether or not I'm worried for reasons I consider valid - large, but not so long...yet, history of diabetes in my family, general health for someone of my frame- or for reasons of vanity - I don't want to look fat. I'm never sure where "I don't want to feel fat" goes, because it seems like a vanity issue but it affects the way I live; that is, I get slightly more depressed and struggle to stay motivated in other aspects of life like work and chores.

I have read so much online about ideal weight for my height, BMI, etc. I've struggled with my weight since I was 11 or so, so the kind suggestions I've gotten to just stop worrying about it don't do much other than make me feel guilty for not caring about something more important like War in the Middle East or the Great Libertarian Party.

Know one of the things I do when I start feeling bad about myself, guilt included? I turn to junk food. Not always, it's not like I stuff down a donut every time I get upset -and please, no book suggestions on how I can tackle this problem. But my will power to say no the next time I pass by a sweet ready for the taking, say at work on our staff food cabinet, is lower if I'm already feeling like I could be better at whatever.

Why am I even thinking about this at this particular moment? Because I just finished dinner and thought, "It'd be great if I had dessert. Would it be terrible if I walked 3 miles just for a cookie?" YES. Yes it would. And not entirely because when I think "a cookie" I mean "a container of cookies." That I would eat by myself, much too quickly to try to use the "I'll eat them in moderation" excuse I'd tell myself to justify getting them.

Part of this mindset, plus my gain of about 10lbs since I got here in February, led me to spend about an hour at work earlier this week making a spreadsheet that I hope/think/almost-pray will help keep me motivated to be better about what I put in my mouth. Once I start. Working against me is the fact that food intimidates me, so I stick with what I know, which is moderately not-terrible for me, as close to healthy as it's going to get. Also working against me is my birth control, which my doctor says has been known to increase appetite, so "watch what [ I ] eat; make sure it's healthy and don't eat too much of whatever it is." Gee, thanks.

I get really tired of people who don't struggle with this getting all preachy and having the attitude of "You could be skinny if you really wanted to be."

ARGH. Shut. Up! I don't want to be skinny, per se. I don't think my current size is a problem, I simply worry that too much of my current size is fat and not the healthier muscle it could be. I also find it patronizing to suggest it's an easy problem to overcome and anyone can do it if they really want to.

Also working against me are my exercise habits, or lack thereof. The only thing I'm doing is walking. My mileage for the past 7.5 weeks:

42.0572160547
31.633646456
28.0653287788
32.5098206661
43.0392826644
29.01323655
40.0572160547
12.3637916311 (this week so far, not including today)

My excuses for not doing more:
[*]I'm so tired from work + commute
[*]I don't have a gym nearby and if I did, I wouldn't have the money to join.
[*]It's too hot/cold to go outside and try to run.
[*]I don't have the time.
[*]What I'm doing currently is enough.

Ways I plan to change things?

I pretend I'm going to get a cookbook of healthy food and start following it. I get really amped at night about going for a run first thing the next morning. Maybe if I blah blah blah.

I don't know how to change things. I don't want people telling me how I could

This whole thing is frustrating.
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby elfprince13 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 6:53 pm

This seems like a good thread to have! What sorts of replies (if any) would you like to have other than *hugs* and keep-up-the-good-works (as appropriate)?
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Oct 24, 2012 7:55 pm

I genuinely don't care what sort of replies people make to me so long as they aren't giving unsolicited advice. :)
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby LilBee91 » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:02 pm

You walk 30-40 miles a week? Dang girl.

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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby wizzard » Thu Oct 25, 2012 6:41 am

You walk 30-40 miles a week? Dang girl.
Haha, that's exactly what I thought.

Also, *hugs*
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Gravity Defier » Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:26 pm

My mileage is mostly not for pleasure/leisure activities. A high number of it is racked up walking to and from the train station to get to and from work from my apartment, to and from the store, to and from the rare appointment I may have, and if I have the time and money to make it downtown, I get in the pleasure/leisure walking.

This is something I've thought a lot about over the past couple weeks, as my BC caused me to gain the highest amount of weight in a really short time (about 6 lbs over 2 months, vs the other 4 lbs over the slightly better 6 months).

Am I failing at being healthy because I lack the major skill of being an adult in general: the ability to do what needs to be done, simply because it needs to be done?

I've gone over and over the list of possibilities and the thing that tends to come up over and over and over is, "But, that is no fun." And if it's not fun, if I dread it, I'm not going to force myself to keep doing it.

Just Dance on Wii is fun. But no Wii here.

The dance class I had in AZ was fun. Not sure where to find one here that is close enough and not too expensive and that's not for lack of effort in trying to locate one.

Ellipticals are fun but I can't afford to buy one for myself and can't afford gym membership for one machine (or many, despite finding most terrible boring and pointless).

I'm pretty sure what I need, in this case, is not access to things I know I like but rather an attitude adjustment. Easier said than done.



Yesterday's food turned out to be:
2 bowls of cereal (two separate times of day)
Clif Bar
Yogurt
Bowl of spaghetti

Today's, so far:
Two bowls of cereal (two separate times of day)
One orange Lifesaver candy

Things I know I clearly need to be better about having on hand and/or incorporating:
Fruit (on hand)
Vegetables (incorporating)
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Gravity Defier » Tue Nov 06, 2012 12:39 pm

Almost two weeks later, I have knocked off 3lbs by changing...not much?

I have not increased my walking -still averaging about 30 miles a week- nor my water intake (this is bad...I keep trying but when you work a job where you're on a service desk for sometimes half of your work day, you can't be running off to the bathroom every 30 minutes. Or refilling your water bottle, for that matter.

The biggest change, which I've done a rather poor job of implementing, is trying to eat smaller portions, less junk food, and more vegetables.

I had at least 4 Snickers mini-bars at work the other day, so that's a raging failure. I am eating smaller portions but I'm also eating more often, it seems. I have heard that is better for you than three larger meals a day.

And vegetables! Yeah, not as easy as I hoped. I did just eat a broccoli and onion egg sandwich but I'm not finding it the easiest to stick vegetables in stuff I like, to make sure I actually eat it.

This morning I also took measurements (chest, waist, hips, arms) because that is a better indication of health than weight.

Still, I'm pleased by the three lbs.
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby elfprince13 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 12:58 pm

If you ever have veggies that you want to poll us about how to cook or eat, just let us know! :)

Congrats on 3 pounds too.
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Gravity Defier » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:00 pm

That's just it. Part of my problem with vegetables is that I assume they all taste terrible and/or would taste good or great but only for recipes that would require more skill/time/appreciation for food than I have.
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby elfprince13 » Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:10 pm

With many veggies, crunching on them raw is my favorite thing to do. For a lot of other veggies, there are good ways to prepare them that don't require too much preparation. Sweet green peppers and baby spinach are too of my favorite veggies to eat raw. Fresh tomatos are good to snack on too. I like slicing them up with basil or arugula, and maybe a little bit of garlic. Broccoli or brussel sprouts I steam for just a few minutes, and then serve with olive oil, lemon juice, and bits of garlic and salt and pepper. Carrots are good when you honey-glaze them. Kale makes chips or soup. Fresh beets go well with an orange juice and ginger sauce. Green beans and sweet peas are both good raw snack veggies.

If you name a veggie, I'll tell you how to make it yummy (or if I think it's hopeless).
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Re: Guilt, Ecstasy, Setbacks and Gains

Postby Briseis_Liberated » Tue Nov 06, 2012 2:51 pm

I find it hard to motivate to do ANYTHING. Mainly bc I work 11 hours a day...but I have a desk job (for the most part) my biggest thing is going out to eat at work because we get an hour for lunch every day. Im a very social person so going out to eat is fun for me besides just the fact that I LOVE TO EAT. I mean, I have no free time to be social when I go to work at 9am and come home at 8pm.

Ive been thinking lately, though that my confidence is affected but is a sort of circular reasoning. I dont know if I feel less confident because Ive gained THIRTY POUNDS in 6 months or if its something else. I wonder if I found something unrelated to my eating habits and weight fluctuation that made me feel confident then I would feel better...and in turn be more motivated. Questions questions.

Part of my problem is that even the things I find fun (like the dance games on xbox) I have a hard time motivating to do...mainly because its kind of a pain to set it up in our limited livingroom space...so why bother? Also, my husband usually dominates the TV with his constant sports viewing. ...Which brings me to another confidence issue. Weve only been married a few months and hes very physically indifferent towards me. I have to ask if its because of my fast and drastic weight change. Of course that will affect anyones self esteem... so im struggling to find SOMETHING that makes me feel good. Im trying to be better at work...sell more cars...anything. Trying to be a more involved mom (PTA meetings, classroom parties, etc.) But the more I fail at finding something to feel good about the more I feel like Im falling short. Therefore, defeating the purpose.

I know that if I COULD find something that gave me some "swagger" and confidence id feel better all around. Which is what really matters right? Id feel better about the 30 pounds if I could look at it and say "Hey great! I have boobs now!" But the indifference from the husband does nothing to enforce that....

On another note, ive found that junk food is HARD to turn away from. I love sweets, and halloween candy lying about has done nothing but constantly stress my self control. I like to go to the store when Im hungry, hit up the produce and see what looks good. Baby carrots do alot for me when I feel snacky... I like the crunch. Chewing gum (believe it or not) goes a long way keeping my mouth busy during the day. I love berries too so sometimes (when Im feeling motivated) i will pick up some fruits that I dont think about alot. instead of bananas ill pick up some blueberries. Instead of apples or oranges I get kiwis or mangos. Just something different that I can look forward to munching away on but still feel good about doing it.

I guess what Im getting at in a nutshell is maybe try focusing on some other things that will make you feel good and that you can be AWESOME at...which will boost your confidence. Heck, try a BUNCH of new things and see what you like. Make it a social thing and get someone else involved. The more I do (health related or not) the better I feel. Even if its skinny dipping in a lake when its 20 below zero. At least its fun. It takes my mind off my changing physique and I feel better, which affects me all around. So when I eat that whole bag of chips I tell myself "ok...I splurged. Now lets find something fun to do."


Dont know if this helps...but at least you know you arent the only one.
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