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Lord Roem
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Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:48 pm


Postby Lord Roem » Fri Mar 16, 2012 7:45 pm

Hey everyone! I'm had a story concept develop in my mind for some time, and now that I've finally got the chance to put pen to paper, I'm excited to see it come into being.

This is the first page (so far) of my story, Orion. It is a Sci-Fi story, but like EG, the focus is on human society and interactions, with the Sci-Fi element held backstage. Your honest thoughts, comments, criticisms, are all welcomed. Please don't hold back. I want to make this the best first page ever - it needs to pull in any editor who sees it.


Orion - Opening Scene

Sam Acacius was drowning.

It was already a solid minute since he slid beneath the earth, and he could not swim. Above him, through the thin film of the water, he could hear quiet voices. These voices were not frantic, not even concerned. They were so calm in fact, the water remained still. This was the case, even though Sam was desperately moving his limbs in all directions.

The water engulfed him, swallowed him; it claimed victory every time he tried to kick his foot. He knew that every second counted if he was to survive. And another thirty had already passed.

He looked up at the border between his present world and the next. A great white light rose above it, simply untouchable. His head moved to the side. He was not far from the closest inlet of earth – and yet it was still too far.

Then a sensation. His lungs. They were burning. Every second that passed became a lifetime. Every moment became harder to understand. How long had it actually been? What is going on?

His mind set on resolving this one last question. It used the last of its divine energy to present the answer.
Sam had been walking along a bridge, over the Central River. He forgot how it happened, but he had tripped and fell over. But was that really true? These doubts began to swallow the memory like the water. Reality became doubted. What is going on?

The last of his physical energy was exerted with pushing upwards. How, he wasn’t sure. But he wouldn’t give up without a fight. Yet he was unsure of direction. His compass had gone haywire. The light above him began to fade slowly, then quickly. What is going on?

Then a sound.

It was quick. It was deliberate. It was someone’s arm.

It penetrated the surface of the water with a fast motion.

A hand grabbed onto Sam’s shirt and pulled him up. The climb rivaled those of the tallest mountains, for he was being brought back to life. The water exhaled a great amount; it lost its most unique prey. Sam was on an inlet of dry earth, untouched by the lips of the river.

He struggled to breathe. With each inward breath a feeling of flowing warmth swept through him. His lungs jerked the sensation almost immediately as he coughed out water. Sam tried to open his eyes, but the light was too bright.

There were people around him, he knew it. But their voices were not in shock or despair; if he had been listening at another time, he would not have known something frightening had happened.

His mind then triggered back to life. The flowing warmth of existence moved through him, and then exited through his eyes and mouth. The eyes slowly opened, staring straight up. The sight was incredibly unexpected. It must be an illusion. But at that critical moment, the figure spoke with a sound that was so familiar, Sam knew he had survived.

It threw his mind awake. There was no doubting it anymore. Hannes Acacius had just saved his younger brother.


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Eaquae Legit
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Re: Orion

Postby Eaquae Legit » Sat Mar 17, 2012 10:21 am

Good for you! I'm not qualified to critique, but kudos for actually writing something out. It's a feat I have yet to manage!

"Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul." -- Pope John XXIII

Lord Roem
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:48 pm

Re: Orion

Postby Lord Roem » Sun Mar 18, 2012 7:42 pm

I just completely revised the first page.

I welcome any and all comments.



Sam Acacius was drowning.

A minute had already passed, and Sam could not swim.

Above him, through the thin film of the water, he heard quiet voices. The voices were not frantic, not concerned; the water remained still without any intervention of help. Sam desperately moved his thin arms and legs in all directions, to no avail. He tried to push up, but the lack of oxygen shattered his energy.

There was a sharp pain in his side, but Sam knew his focus must be to get out. Yet, another twenty seconds had already passed.

Sam saw a bright white light above him, simply untouchable. He frantically turned his head to his left. He saw the inlet of land where he just was. He twisted his body towards the inlet, but the throbbing on his right side made every movement a challenge.

He slowly inched towards safety. A few more feet --

Then a sensation.

His lungs. They were on fire.

Every second became drawn out, time was slowing.

The light above him was fading. Sam was falling. The burning was unbearable. He could not hold off the pressure.

He breathed in.

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