Writer's Colony
To Oliver Dale
The story has a good hook and I'd be interested in reading more. However, I was rather put off by the phrase "corpse of a dead tree" for the simple reason that "dead" is rather redundant, having already used the word "corpse". Other than that, well done.
Animus, Vires et Honoris
ok im going to post another poem cuz no ones posted anything else yet..
(i dont have a title yet)
Should I get married?
Should I become one of ‘those girls’?
The kind only capable of talking about him.
The perfect guy.
How he brings me a dozen red roses
And never lets me open a door.
How my hand fits perfectly in his.
The way he lingers after he kisses me goodnight,
Like he’s almost afraid to leave me
All the cute things he says
To have that perfect relationship
The perfect kids, and big house
With a white picket fence.
Why found your relationship on lies?
Why live in a fantasy land
When reality would inevitably intrude,
And send you crashing down to earth
In a big ugly mess of dippers and
Kids screaming “ DIE!, DIE!â€
While shooting water guns at each other,
And dragging mud through the house.
In-laws calling at all hours of the night
To talk about the weather and the new couch
And how the kids are doing
For hours on end, over and over
Then it all makes sense
Sometimes lies are all you can stand to believe
‘Those girls’ only talk about there relationship the way they do
Not because they think its perfect
But because they know its anything but.
Perhaps love and marriage and happily ever after
Is just a lie two people tell each other
And for it to work they both have to believe it…..
Should I get married?
(i dont have a title yet)
Should I get married?
Should I become one of ‘those girls’?
The kind only capable of talking about him.
The perfect guy.
How he brings me a dozen red roses
And never lets me open a door.
How my hand fits perfectly in his.
The way he lingers after he kisses me goodnight,
Like he’s almost afraid to leave me
All the cute things he says
To have that perfect relationship
The perfect kids, and big house
With a white picket fence.
Why found your relationship on lies?
Why live in a fantasy land
When reality would inevitably intrude,
And send you crashing down to earth
In a big ugly mess of dippers and
Kids screaming “ DIE!, DIE!â€
While shooting water guns at each other,
And dragging mud through the house.
In-laws calling at all hours of the night
To talk about the weather and the new couch
And how the kids are doing
For hours on end, over and over
Then it all makes sense
Sometimes lies are all you can stand to believe
‘Those girls’ only talk about there relationship the way they do
Not because they think its perfect
But because they know its anything but.
Perhaps love and marriage and happily ever after
Is just a lie two people tell each other
And for it to work they both have to believe it…..
Should I get married?
Into that world inverted
Where left is always right,
Where the shadows are really the body,
Where we stay awake all night,
Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is how deep,
And you love me.
Where left is always right,
Where the shadows are really the body,
Where we stay awake all night,
Where the heavens are shallow as the sea is how deep,
And you love me.
-
- Launchie
- Posts: 11
- Joined: Fri Dec 01, 2006 10:24 pm
- Location: Missouri
Oliver, thanks. I appreciate the heads-up. After looking over a lot of my work, I tend to do that a lot. Now I just have to find a way to break the pattern. Do you have any suggestions on how you'd fix it up a bit, or would you scrap it and do a complete re-write of the opening?
Jayelle, I didn't realize that some people wouldn't recognize it. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll have to keep that in mind.
Here's another opening to a story titled Self Destructive Patterns (for now) that I wrote a few days ago, before reading Oliver's response. I think I have the same problem in this story, so I'll have to go back and try to fix that.
Jayelle, I didn't realize that some people wouldn't recognize it. Thanks for pointing that out. I'll have to keep that in mind.
Here's another opening to a story titled Self Destructive Patterns (for now) that I wrote a few days ago, before reading Oliver's response. I think I have the same problem in this story, so I'll have to go back and try to fix that.
Her last words made my teeth grind together, my eyes begin to water, and my fists begin to clutch. She f****** with my head. That's why I did it. I had to.
A woman will steal your soul if you let her. She'll take your life and throw it away. Crumpled like an old love note. Tossed away like a used condom. She'll make you empty inside. A shell. Wanting to feel some kind of pain just so you'll feel anything at all.
Her name was Katerina. Katie. She did this to me. And now, now you'll know why I had to do that to her.
People always tell you to stop your self-destruction. But this -- it doesn't get any better than this.
- Young Val
- Commander
- Posts: 3166
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 7:00 pm
- Title: Papermaster
- First Joined: 12 Sep 2000
- Location: from New York City to St. Paul, MN (but I'm a Boston girl at heart).
- Contact:
i actually disagree about the whole product-placement thing. i say name it and don't explain. or, if you must explain, do it very subtly. product names ground people in time and place. if they don't know it, they can look it up, figure it out from context, or just say to hell with it and carry on with the reading.
that's just me, though. i had big product-placecment issues in my fiction, in that i refused to name anything whatsoever. it caused a lot of discussion in my workshops in college. now, i say, if your story is contemporary, and set in this universe, and Ajax exists--use Ajax.
that's just me, though. i had big product-placecment issues in my fiction, in that i refused to name anything whatsoever. it caused a lot of discussion in my workshops in college. now, i say, if your story is contemporary, and set in this universe, and Ajax exists--use Ajax.
you snooze, you lose
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
well I have snozzed and lost
I'm pushing through
I'll disregard the cost
I hear the bells
so fascinating and
I'll slug it out
I'm sick of waiting
and I can
hear the bells are
ringing joyful and triumphant
- Oliver Dale
- Former Speaker
- Posts: 601
- Joined: Tue Sep 26, 2006 5:24 pm
- Title: Trapped in the Trunk!
I agree with Ms. Val. Actually I would vastly prefer the use of "ajax" over "cleaning product" any day. Not just because it grounds the readers in the here and now (although it does), but because specificity in fiction is one of the simple but often overlooked factors that makes a piece of fiction sharp instead of vague, and feel professional instead of sloppy.
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