got problems? (the non bob advice thread)

[Luet]

Are you able to get her into therapy as soon as possible? Other than that, I don't know what to suggest. But my heart goes out to you for everything you have been through. And I am really impressed that you are giving so much love and support to your mom and sisters.

[Gravity Defier]

Piggybacking on what Nomi said: therapy. She was brave enough to confront your father, someone who seems to treat women like lesser people, with her feelings, so she seems to really want help. The confrontation itself is hard but to go to someone who lives to look down on your gender? Even harder. She is brave for going through that, and if you haven't told her that she's brave, I think you should. Let her know, even if she doesn't appear to believe it because of the reaction your father had, that there is nothing wrong with therapy and that, when she is ready, you will be there to support her if/when she wants to give it a shot. I suggest, if she is scared to go one on one, finding a support group. Not necessarily for your specific upbringing, but a support group for depression. They exist and they exist for females only, which is what she'll need. If you haven't already, you might look some options up to help with any overwhelming feelings she might get about the process.

As far as the lashing out, that's going to be tricky. You said she's 18, correct? In her mind, she's probably going to do a lot of justifying. "I'm an adult, I don't have to listen to you." But there might be a way around that depending on how she is lashing out. You're also...male, so it might not be the best for you to assume a position of power over her, even if it's a caring, would-be parental role. Then again, if you treat her with respect, that might not be an issue. It's hard to say and of course I'm not a psychologist.

Basically, it's a tough situation to be in but I think the best you can do for her is have patience, let her know you love her and want her to get help, and be there for her when she is ready. The important, hopeful part is, she does seem to want help and you so obviously (to us anyway) love and care immensely for her and your other sisters.

ETA: What's her life looking like at the moment? In/out of school? Working? Spending all day sleeping, going out at night?

[Satya]

We've been working on getting her into therapy and counseling, thankfully a family friend has been assisting us in finding appropriate avenues and obviously my mom's been through this kind of thing for years now.

She's out of school now; we've been trying to help her find a job so that she has something to do, some responsibilities to keep her motivated and in line. But in the interim she's somewhat treaded on the relative freedom she has and spends time out with her friends, which isn't a big deal in itself but obviously the drinking/partying norm is fairly ubiquitous in this area and, like I and her older sister did at her age, she could easily swing too far into it. We all have pretty addictive personalities, and it took me awhile to channel that personality trait into something constructive. The last talk we had we did discuss that what she did took a lot of fortitude; in particular it should be noted that, of all his children, she was the most attached to him. I don't feel like I have the right to say we grew up in an abusive house, not considering what other people have and are going through, but there was physical harm, verbal abuse and extreme emotional manipulation from sociopath who excelled at it. All of us at some level developed a kind of Stockholm syndrome, as many in that situation do - and she was the most defensive of him until she began to break down. For her to even try to seek help was an accomplishment in itself and I praise her for it.

[Luet]

I don't feel like I have the right to say we grew up in an abusive house, not considering what other people have and are going through, but there was physical harm, verbal abuse and extreme emotional manipulation from sociopath who excelled at it..

As my therapist recently told me, just because others had it/have it worse than you, doesn't minimize the level of abuse or suffering you went through. It sounds like you grew up in an abusive house by any standards.

[Gravity Defier]

just because others had it/have it worse than you, doesn't minimize the level of abuse or suffering you went through

This. One of the unexpected, negative side effects that I see in trying to switch mindsets is that sometimes we try to compare or place ourselves into some sort of pecking order in order to say, "See? We don't have it so bad." That is counterproductive. True, so-and-so may have it tons worse but that doesn't make general-your experience any less harmful for general-you. It obviously has/had some effect so don't dismiss that; just don't focus on it or give it so much power that general-you thinks you can't get past it, you know?

It seems to me like you have a plan of sorts and are probably doing all you can for now which, from your perspective, may not feel like enough but it's something and that's sure as hell better than nothing.

[Mich]

Hey mang, just wanted to pop in and say that it's awesome you're comfortable enough to spill your guts and ask for advice. There are some things that I still don't think I would feel "good" about talking to P-Web about. Anyway, the ladies sound like they know what the heck they're saying.

[LilBee91]

I don't really have much to add beyond what the lovely ladies above suggested. But I do want to thank you for being willing to share this with us. I wish there was a registry of great female role models...

[VelvetElvis]

The only thing I have to add to this is that she doesn't need you to be a dad. She has a dad and he sucks. Just be her big brother and that's enough.

[steph]

Thank you for sharing with us. The ladies above gave great advice. I'll just add: Love her, make sure she know you love her no matter what happens and follow through on anything she ask of you that you commit to. Don't commit to things you can't do (for whatever reason), but make sure she know it's NOT because you don't love her.

[Satya]

Thanks you guys. We'll keep on doing the best we can and I'll try to take your advise to heart. Between me, mom and her older/my younger sister we've got the love/care aspect well covered and I'll walk this admittedly fine line between support and structure as tight as I can. I can't diminish how helpful our family friend and my other sister have been, and my other sister and I talked and she's going to try and take as much off of me (and more importantly ma) as she can, being closer to her age and female. She's on her own and has been stable and living with her boyfriend (a pretty good guy, and I'm saying this as her brother) for over a year. We had her sleep over there for the weekend because ma can get kinda rattled when there's a lot of emotion/stress going on and we both needed a break. Plus it kept her from going out with friends that weekend. I think with help like that and being respectful but loving and firm we'll get her settled and on a constructive path.

[fawkes]

*bump* I am in need of advice. Phineas and I are thinking about renting a condo. The pros: It's super close to work (I can walk there in less than 15 minutes), it's right by the highway, so Phineas can save on gas, there's a GORGEOUS pool and hot tub area with a grill, and we have a washer/dryer set in the apartment. The cons: It's a little expensive, and it's a third floor walk-up, so lots of stairs... Other than that, there's not a lot wrong with it. Rent is $825 a month, plus electric, cable/internet, and renter's insurance. Together, we make about $2,000 a month. Is this doable? Am I setting us up for disaster?

[Gravity Defier]

*bump* I am in need of advice. Phineas and I are thinking about renting a condo. The pros: It's super close to work (I can walk there in less than 15 minutes), it's right by the highway, so Phineas can save on gas, there's a GORGEOUS pool and hot tub area with a grill, and we have a washer/dryer set in the apartment. The cons: It's a little expensive, and it's a third floor walk-up, so lots of stairs... Other than that, there's not a lot wrong with it. Rent is $825 a month, plus electric, cable/internet, and renter's insurance. Together, we make about $2,000 a month. Is this doable? Am I setting us up for disaster?

Renter's insurance is a one-time fee, unless you request it be broken down into smaller payments, and is not too expensive; I paid $254 or so, I think it was, for mine. For the year.

You'd be over the recommended 30% of your paycheck to housing but then, most people are. I'm at about 61% of my income going to housing and when you add in my electricity, food, internet, cell, and transportation, I'm at like 89% of my money going towards cost of living expenses. I'm doing just fine and feel pretty good about the money I have to spend on fun stuff.

What are the differences like in what you'll save on gas between the two of you and how much more is it than where you are now? How much do you save a month and how much do you allow for fun stuff? I'd say those numbers would matter but even so, I honestly think it's doable.

[fawkes]

We broke down our monthly expenses and I think we can handle it after I switch to a cheaper phone contract. As it stands right now, Phineas is using a lot of gas getting to and from work and picking me up, so I think we'll end up saving a lot more that way. So far it looks like we'll have around $400 a month for food and home items like dish soap and the like. I'm a little worried we might not have a lot of room for saving up in case of an emergency, but I so badly want to have a place of our own.

edit: Phineas' current place is $550 a month, but it keeps going up. He's living with a friend right now, and his parents own the house. He started out at $400 a month, but it's gone up $150 in the past 6 months. She's also threatened to hire a maid at his expense, and has hinted that she's going to kick him out so she and her husband can move in instead. I'm still living at home, but stay with him on weekends or nights when he doesn't have to work early.

[Gravity Defier]

Is the condo you're looking at the only one available? I'd say, if you can hold off, try going a month spending/saving how you would if you got the place. That is, set aside your portion of rent, your portion of utilities, etc. (or what's left after you pay off your actual current corresponding bills) and see how that affects your standard of living and whether or not you're able to save anything. It is super important to have at least a few month's worth of emergency funds, if you can swing it (again, most people not only can't swing that but are in debt, so take that however you will) and to be able to continue saving some, but hopefully without depriving yourselves.

Without trying to pass judgement and without knowing your habits at all, I'd say $400 for food and household supplies, every month, is so far beyond what you should actually need that you should be fine if that's your biggest worry for budgeting. Whatever didn't go to that could be split between savings and spending money.

[Young Val]

I think Alea's advice is sound.

My gut instinct tells me that's a big leap to make, but that's just me. I understand very, very much wanting to move out of your house. Can you do it? If you want it badly enough, of course you can. You can make any situation work for you if you're willing to put in the work and make the sacrifices necessary.

I would caution you against banking too much on variable costs, like gas. Sure, you can estimate how much you will spend on gas per month, but if you depend on that as a fixed cost and suddenly gas prices go up, you could be in trouble if you don't have a sufficient cushion.

Be VERY realistic about your monthly expenses. Seriously. I'd advise you to over-estimate. Make sure you're thinking about all household items, like laundry detergent, dish soap, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, cleaning agents, band-aids, pet needs (if any), toilet paper. etc, and what is important to you. (Example: is non-name-brand toilet paper a priority for you, or are you ok with the cheap stuff?). Would you have to pay for laundry or are there free machines in unit? We spend about $30 a month just to do laundry in our basement (detergent not included) and it freaking SUCKS. Remember that whatever you currently purchase is more or less for one person's consumption, but soon you'll have two consumers.

Food, of course, will vary. I've found it costs a lot more to feed two people three meals a day than I would have anticipated. David and I spend roughly $500 a month on food alone (household items are separate) for just the two of us. Now, yes, this is in part because we buy all organic, sustainable, and locally grown food and we pay a premium for that. It matters to us, so we cut costs elsewhere.

I don't know if either of you are carrying debt, but if you are, or have other payments such as car loans or whatever, make sure you factor those into your expenses. And again, I echo Alea's comments about the importance of savings.

I'm sure the condo you are lusting after is gorgeous. Have you considered looking at other places as well? It might be worth it to look at something that has some of the qualities you want (close to work, for example) but with less of the awesome amenities, and therefore less cost.

I sound like such a killjoy, and I swear, that's not my intention. I lived in New York for years and could never really "afford" it. I worked as many as 4 jobs at a time just to pay my rent, and had many days where my $1.25 bagel was the only thing I could afford to eat all day. It was stressful and it sucked a hell of a lot, but it was also AWESOME. Because I wanted to live in New York, damnit, and I didn't care what I had to do to make that happen. I just DID it.

Right now David and I make a decent (even, "very nice") combined salary for a 2 person household on paper. We have a lot of debt, though, because of student loans (and David is currently racking up more). We live in the most modest apartment of everyone we know in the area who makes even within $10k of our total income. Most of those people own houses, as opposed to our old, worn out, cramped, super cheap, 2nd floor walkup. We drive a used car on weekends - during the week, we commute to work on the bus. If not for the fact that David's family lives so far north as to make public transportation impossible, we wouldn't have a car at all. Our one luxury is the money we spend on food, which is an ethical choice we made. We do have a very modest Entertainment Budget (which functions for the "fun stuff") which lets us do one, maaaaaaybe two, dates/social outings/otherwise extra stuff per month. Every other cent we make goes into debt and savings.

Now, yeah, we're saving for a wedding right now, but David's student loans are also currently on hold, because he's back in school. The minute he graduates, the money that is now being put toward the wedding will be put toward that debt. (With any luck mine will be paid off by then!)


The point of my long-winded ramble is this: Do I think you can swing that condo on that combined income? Sure. Do I think you might have to be willing to make some sacrifices? Possibly. I don't know what your current lifestyle is like.

But it is doable, if you're willing to make it work.

[fawkes]

We may have to scrap the condo after all. The guy who owns the property is asking more than we originally were told.

[Luet]

So, I might have to take someone to small claims court and I wondered if any of you have any experience or advice with this.

Here's the story: My grandmother gave me a ring of hers (she was going to leave it to me in her will but decided to give it to me now). It's carved jade with two tiny diamonds, set in gold. I never wear yellow gold, so I wanted to have it re-set in silver. I contacted a reputable etsy seller (thousands of feedback) who I have purchased from a few times in the past. We exchanged emails and agreed on a price. I sent it in December. After lots of emails checking in, she ended up having a family emergency and said that she wasn't working anymore and had to send the ring back to me. This was on March 6. Her etsy account has been deleted. I have gotten no further word from her, despite numerous attempts at contact. I have emailed her and written to her through facebook (where she did accept my friend request). My last idea is to get her phone number through one of those people finder services and see if that gets me anywhere. But in my last email, I told her that if I didn't either get the ring or hear from her by April 6, that I would be filing in small claims court.

I will have to find value estimates from similar rings on ebay, since I never got an appraisal or anything for it. But I do have all of our emails saved and also pictures of the ring. All I really want is the ring, since it has more sentimental value than anything.

Any other ideas? This has really been stressing me out!

[Luet]

Good news update! I received the ring in the mail today! No email or note or anything but I'm just so happy to have it back.

[thoughtreader]

Luet that is so awesome! I'm so glad you have it back!

[Jayelle]

Good news update! I received the ring in the mail today! No email or note or anything but I'm just so happy to have it back.

Whew! That's great to hear. I like to assume people have the best intentions.

[Luet]

Thank you! I'm going to take it to a local jeweler and get an estimate on getting it reset. I'm guessing it will cost more but it will be much safer!

[Syphon the Sun]

Good news update! I received the ring in the mail today! No email or note or anything but I'm just so happy to have it back.

This is great news!

[steph]

What a relief! I'm so glad you have it back!

[powerfulcheese04]

What is appropriate to ask for as a graduation from vet school gift from my parents?

Possible ideas:
framing undergrad and vet school diplomas (lame)
Keurig coffee/tea/hot chocolate machine
GPS
...?

What I got for undergrad (a semester early with 2 degrees): digital camera
what my brother is getting for undergrad (5 years, failed out of one place, almost didn't graduate this semester because he didn't turn his paperwork in): a European cruise

Granted, my parents did just pay for my wedding and they are going to drive out to NC amd fly home to help me move in...

I'm feeling a little gypped... but I'm also trying not to feel greedy, entitled or jealous.

Just.... cruise >>>> keurig machine...

[Gravity Defier]

First, sorry I didn't reply sooner but yay, Nomi! Glad you got it back.


Second, I really don't think it's wrong to feel shortchanged or entitled, Kim. I also don't see how the wedding/moving assistance is related. They're things that cost money, things they didn't have to do, granted, but I don't think those life events are comparable in the same way two graduations are. Not only are they rewarding his behavior more than they rewarded yours, they rewarded it rather excessively given his performance as compared to yours.


I don't know what I would ask for, to be honest, but I at least think it's not out of the question to feel the way you do.

[v-girl]

I asked for boring stuff for graduation (medical instruments, books, etc). Personally, I feel like getting the diplomas framed is a good choice because that's something you'll dread paying money for later, and nice framing is expensive! I still have all my diplomas / certificates / awards unframed and my parents are planning on getting them all framed for me when I finish residency. It's kind of depressing to have my grad school diploma just sitting around though, gathering dust.

[steph]

Help! I have baby praying mantises and I don't know what to do with them!

[thoughtreader]

try to find them little bugs, ants or aphids, in the yard. Or go to the pet store and get flightless fruit flies. they are small enough for the babies to eat and wont get out and cause as many problems as outside bugs. Or sometimes they have super small crickets (pinheads)... but they might be a little big at first
make sure they have something to climb on. some small sticks from outside. make sure it is sturdy and well balances and supported in the cage.
And water, a moist cotton ball will work. but not so much water that it makes puddles.

they will start molting soon so you might see what look like dead light colored babies in the bottom of the container... but they are just molted exoskeletons. But if a few die don;t be to worried its a fact of young insect life.

is that enough?

[Jayelle]

I need advice...

Okay, so. I have a blog and I was looking at the archives and found an old comment that by someone named Jane. I noticed that she was the same Jane who started attending our church not long after that - about a year ago. We're not really friends yet, we've chatted a bit and I feel like we're heading towards friendship someday.
So, the thing is this, when I clicked on her comment, I noticed she had two blogs, one about her daughter (who is 2) and another about a son who lived only 2 days (he died about 4 years ago). I had no idea she had a son who died and I completely cried my eyes out after reading the story on her blog.

So, here's the thing - I can't NOT know this now, and it's going to effect my interactions with her, because I'll know to be sensitive (which is a good thing, I hope). Do I tell her I found the blog? Or should I wait until we're closer and she tells me herself? I feel like, as an acquaintance, I shouldn't know this. It's way too intimate.

[Petra456]

If it were me I would probably wait until we got closer and she brought it up herself. I would never want to bring up such a sensitive subject without the other person doing so first.

[Young Val]

I would tell her what you told us; you found her blog by accident through the comment she left you, and that you're sorry for her loss. You can explain that she doesn't need to discuss it with you unless she's comfortable doing so, but that you wanted to let her know that you know.

[steph]

I agree with Kelly. The blog was not private, so it's easy to stumble on through her profile. If she was wanting to keep it to a more intimate crowd, I think she would have made the blog private.

[Jayelle]

Pwebbers, I need some advice.

A month ago, I got my dream job - sort of. I was hired as a sub at the library, got two days of training and now I'm waiting to get called in for work. It's not an income we can fully depend on, but I do have a job. I love libraries, I think of libraries as my career. I want to, when my kids are in school full-time (about 3-4 years from now), have at least a part-time job at some kind of library.

Today, a friend of mine called to say that they are getting a new foster child in the next month and they asked if I want to be their nanny for her. It would be a 9-5 reliable job. I would take care of their kid along with my own kids, so I wouldn't have to worry about childcare. The child I'll be taking care of will very likely have a disability and possibly some behavioral issues. I have no experience with that and I don't know if I'm the right person for the job. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I know how to take care of other people's kids.

We are really freaking poor. I think we're living under the poverty line at this point, so we need the money. A full time job would do wonders.

HOWEVER. I don't want to give up my library job. I can't be a nanny forever and the longer I am out of the library world, the more irrelevant my past work experience becomes.

The last complication is that I'm not sure I want 9-5 work. The idea of that is really stressful to me.

I am so very conflicted. A job in the hand vs. a career in the bush?

ACK! Any advice?

[steph]

If I were you, I'd keep the library job.

I get overwhelmed really easily, so I don't think I could handle someone else's kid 9-5 every day. It's not worth any amount of money to me to be so stressed and overwhelmed that I can't be the mom I need to be for my own kids. Heck, that happens WITHOUT other kids thrown in the mix. A job like the library job would be more like a break that I got paid for, which means it wouldn't stress me out. Besides, I'm GOOD at being poor. Yes, more money is nice, but I know how to be poor. I can deal with it for longer. In fact, I think being poor can be really good for my kids. They already act like entitled brats sometimes....I can't imagine how bad it would be if we could afford everything.

I'm not saying this is what YOU should do. This is what I would do if I were in your position. Is a lot of this me justifying my choice not to do something hard? Probably. I don't like doing hard things. But I guess if the hard thing was the path I supposed to be on, I'd have to do it. So I would have to pray about it a lot and really trust in the inspiration I received.

[Jayelle]

If I were you, I'd keep the library job.

I get overwhelmed really easily, so I don't think I could handle someone else's kid 9-5 every day. It's not worth any amount of money to me to be so stressed and overwhelmed that I can't be the mom I need to be for my own kids. Heck, that happens WITHOUT other kids thrown in the mix. A job like the library job would be more like a break that I got paid for, which means it wouldn't stress me out. Besides, I'm GOOD at being poor. Yes, more money is nice, but I know how to be poor. I can deal with it for longer. In fact, I think being poor can be really good for my kids. They already act like entitled brats sometimes....I can't imagine how bad it would be if we could afford everything.

I'm not saying this is what YOU should do. This is what I would do if I were in your position. Is a lot of this me justifying my choice not to do something hard? Probably. I don't like doing hard things. But I guess if the hard thing was the path I supposed to be on, I'd have to do it. So I would have to pray about it a lot and really trust in the inspiration I received.

Thanks, Steph. That's really helpful. Part of the reason I don't want to turn it down is I feel like most people I know will be all "Why would you turn down more money??" But I, like you, am really good at being poor. Though, we do need a better car pretty badly.