Philotic Web

Yeah, don't let anybody make you feel guilty for not enjoying it! It really does suck. I mean, some women seem to enjoy it, but I think they are weird. And all those happy, glowing women in adverts and on products? I hate them all.

Thanks.

I am having a really rough time.

I'm...not excited. In fact, most of the time I don't connect the sickness and misery and physical discomfort and emotional upheaval with the fact that there is, you know, going to be a baby. I don't think about the baby much at all, really, unless other people bring it up. And then I feel sort of happy about it in a far-off, intangible sort of way. Because right now getting through the days is really difficult for me. I'm hoping the baby part of things will become a bit more concrete after my next dr. appt, when we'll be able to hear the heartbeat via doppler.

I spend a lot of time grieving for my marriage, which is stupid. David is amazing. He has been so, so present and supportive. He is thoughtful of me, brings me things, comforts me, gives me space when I need it, lets me cry often without getting too alarmed, gently reminds me to do the things that I need to be doing and would rather not do (take prenatal vitamin, for one), makes me laugh, does everything around the house (I mean everything. Everything. Even the chores that are supposed to be mine). He is SO EXCITED about this baby. And in the beginning I was really excited, too. It's weird to remember that, because it seems so, so long ago even though it was just a few months. But I was. I was super gleeful and excited.

And then I got sick and now I just feel wildly out of control (which I despise) and not afraid exactly, just, despairing. My doctor knows about my history with mild depression (been diagnosed before, in college, never medicated, always got through it with talk therapy and sunlight, diet, exercise, and support from friends and family) and we're keeping an eye on it.

And all this makes me feel so ashamed. I am a person who always wanted to be a parent. Why is this so hard for me?

I spend a lot of time crying, and 50% of the time I am crying because I feel sorry for myself, and 50% of the time I am crying because I love David so, so much and I am so afraid the our relationship will change (for the worse, I mean. Obviously it's going to change) once we have a kid. This is crazy, and I have ZERO reason to fear this. David will be an excellent father. I believe, and David believes, that our marriage will be the central relationship in our family. I know it's not like this for everyone, and no judgement here. People need to work out for themselves what best enriches their lives. I believe I need to be strong and fulfilled as an individual person in order to be a good partner to my husband. Further, I believe that I need to be in a strong supportive partnership in order to be a good parent. That's just what I think is going to work for me. Personally. And David feels the same way. And we HAVE that. We work on ourselves individually in order to be good partners. And we have an AMAZING partnership. One that responds to challenges and changes, one that allows us to adapt and grow. This is one of the reasons we wanted to have a kid in the first place!

So I have no idea why I am terrified that our relationship is going to completely crumble once the baby gets here. I'm sure it will be difficult, and I'm sure it will take our family some time to adjust. And those adjustments won't ever stop. That's what growth is. I have every reason to believe that we'll be strong and successful.

And I am scared out of my mind about losing him. I have vivid nightmares about it regularly. Every time he does something kind or thoughtful for me (so, always) I burst into tears.

So. That's how pregnancy is going for me. I am sick and unhappy. I spend a lot of time grieving for my marriage for no reason. Whenever I DO think about the baby, I am either thinking about the baby in disconnected, imaginary far-off future that doesn't feel tangible, or I'm mildly annoyed that my life is currently a wreck because of said baby.

This makes me feel like a terrible person.

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ETA

I have also been having a lot of really lovely conversations with David about when and how we're going to introduce the Harry Potter books to our kid (I'm rereading the series right now) and even though that may be 10+ years away, I'm sincerely so excited about it. So, you know, I do really actually want this baby a lot, regardless of how the above might make it sound.

As someone who has no children and never plans to, because I'm afraid I would feel that way times 100 (and lots of other reasons), I applaud your courage. Things are bound to improve. *hugs*

<hugs>
It's okay to not feel great. You love your husband and you'll love your baby whenever he/she gets here.

Pregnancy is not a rational time. What you're going through sounds awful, and I wish I could offer anything more concrete than that it does improve. Keep a sharp eye on that depression, and listen to David if he expresses worry (it's hard to get an accurate read on your own depression, after all!). *big, big hugs* And vent here any time you need.

Oh, Kelly. My heart goes out to you.

Nothing you're feeling is wrong or bad. It's not silly to grieve something that IS going to change! And it's ok to not feel baby connected. (I pretty much felt unconnected to baby my whole last pregnancy.) You don't even have to enjoy being pregnant! When something is so incredibly miserable, it's hard to enjoy! And that's ok! None of those things means that you won't be a good mother. They have nothing to do with what kind of a mother you will be.

I hope and pray your body starts to feel healthy. Ask your doctor for meds, of you need to! Zofran and phenergan got me through 4 pregnancies!

Love you!

P.S. I think your view of relationship importance is right on.

My last baby is growing too much too fast.

She's crawling, she's sitting, she's eating food with us, she's growling like a zombie.

She's only 6 months old. But she's already 6 months old.

I'm not ready for my baby to grow up.

I have been having contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 45-70 seconds for 14 hours. We went in to the hospital last night. Got told "yep you're contracting but not hard enough" and got sent home.

For f****** sake, just ramp it up and get this finished already! I am tired of this!

Its mildly painful and really annoying.

*hugs*

Soon! (I hope.)

:::hugs Kimmie:::

Sending all my positive thoughts to you and Nate and Lizzy!

And we're admitted! Lizzy will make her debut within 24 hours.

WOOT!!!!!!

SO EXCITED!!!

What Kirsten said.

How exciting! I'll be thinking about you today!

Can't wait to hear the birth story and see pictures of Lizzy!

Yay! Can't wait to see the new PWEB baby!

She's here! She arrived August 9 at 406 pm. She's not be in perfect and birth went really well! I'll do more details and pictures when we get home and settled.

If anyone wants to share the pics from Facebook to this thread, feel free! (Not something I can d from my phone, which is my only internet capable tech in the hospital.)

These are probably huge. I pulled them straight from Kim's and Nate's Facebook feeds.

Little Lizzy, asleep in her bassinet, looking absolutely perfect.
Born August 9, 4:06 pm. 7 lb 11 oz, 21 inches long.

She's beautiful!

Congrats, guys!

Now the all important question: babysitter or baby in theater November 1st?

So glad to know things went well. She's amazing and gorgeous. Cannot tell you how happy I am for all three of you!

So cute! Congrats!

Mama Cheese, how is it having Lizzy at home? Everyone getting enough sleep?

We are all doing very well! I am loving having her home!

We're sleeping surprisingly well. We wake up about every 3 hours at night for feedings. (If she wasn't waking up, we'd have to wake her to feed anyway.)


I am going to try to start actually keeping up with the blog again. Aiming for at least a daily picture, but we'll see how it goes! I have us set up through august 23!

Kimmie, she is so wonderful! So glad things are going well for your little family!




I will be 20 weeks on Thursday. Halfway through. Not good enough.

Still vomiting on the semi-regular, despite meds. Still going to therapy. Don't yet know the sex of the baby, although I can feel him or her moving around in there, now. I'm "showing" and having complicated feelings about it.

Basically, I still utterly loathe being pregnant.

I'm so sorry. *hugs* You've probably told us but I forget...when is your due date?

Thanks.

January 9th. Can't come soon enough (I mean, healthy baby, yes, please, but if I woke up tomorrow and it was January 9th, that'd be fine by me).

Thanks.

January 9th. Can't come soon enough (I mean, healthy baby, yes, please, but if I woke up tomorrow and it was January 9th, that'd be fine by me).

Here's hoping for an early delivery! (But not too early. Just 37 weeks. 3 weeks early, but still full term!)

Did you find some apple cider? I thought of you at the store today when I saw a display of it in the produce section.

Also, Kimmy momma, I do believe we need more pictures!!!!

Most accurate way I have found to describe how it feels when the baby moves:

It's like when I used to hold a birthday balloon by the string and punch it repeatedly. Whomp, whomp, whomp.

More pictures!

I see someone was caught napping on the job!

She's beautiful, Kim.

She's adorable.

I love her face in that last picture. "Whaddya think you're doing, punk?"

She's amazing, Kim

Baby is a girl!

I'm really really (pleasantly) surprised. Most people I know were guessing boy.

Yay! For some reason, whenever I think about it I always pictured you with a little girl.

I feel like a little girl raised by you (and David) is going to have so many great things to experience and look forward to. Congratulations.