"Watch, O Lord, with all those awake this night,
Watch, O Lord, with all those who weep.
Give your angels and saints
charge over all who sleep."
That's the refrain of the last hymn we sang at last night's Advent service. It was running through my head as I drifted off to sleep around two this morning. Turns out, it was meant as ironic foreshadowing. Atty was in bed beside me, like he's been I don't know how many times since birth. He wasn't quite asleep - normally he nurses to sleep when I put him in bed an lays right beside me until we wake up. I didn't mean to fall asleep, actually. Just to get him to sleep and put him in his crib because I wake up all crampy when he sleeps with me. But he'd already been up once and I was tired and drifted off.
Suddenly, I was awake, brain registering a "thunk" I'd heard in my sleep and Atty wailing. I reached for him, not beside me. For a millisecond, I thought he must be crying from his crib. Then I put it together and scrambled across the bed to get him, praying he hadn't hit the bookcase (he didn't). I didn't stop to think to turn on a light, everything in me was just screeching, "pick him up! Get him off the floor!" So, I ended up hauling him on the bed upside down. Which, ugh, so glad he wasn't hurt, because that was so stupid in retrospect.
He's fine, absolutely, thankfully, but ugh. He's been sick, and I just fell down a flight of stairs with him a couple weeks ago. Both were stupid, stupid accidents and I'm trying not to beat myself up too badly, but yeah. Not feeling terribly mother of the year today.
He's fine, he's forgotten, it took Donny longer to calm me than it took me to calm Atty. Just, yeah. Uffda.
There's another home somewhere,
There's another glimpse of sky...
There's another way to lean
into the wind, unafraid.
There's another life out there...
~~Mary Chapin Carpenter