Confessions of a 20-something mother

[lovesonia]

I moved to Portland at the end of April to do a 17-month internship. Living and working on an organic farm. Farming is what I've wanted for as long as I can remember. I didn't prepare myself for how big a change it was going to be.

Friday was the one month evaluation. Because, for various reasons, I don't belong at their farm, they let me go.

My grandfather made it through his surgery.

I think the past month was the worst and best month I've ever had. I learned a lot. About myself and what I find un/acceptable. About the people on the farm. About Portland. I lost a lot. My best friend. 35 pounds. The idea that I could live without people I love around.

I can't look at salad without feeling a tinge of dread.

I've cried more in this month than the past 6 combined.

I've complained so much this month and hate myself for it.

I wish people would tell me they hate me and never want to talk to me again.

I started smoking again. I plan to quit after this pack. not because i want to but because i don't want to deal with people telling me it's bad for me.

i sat on the porch smoking a cigarette thinking "i wonder if i've got cancer and just don't know yet." i think it's one of the good things about not having health insurance; it's one of the bad things, too, obviously.

i've been going between being okay and wishing i could die. i don't know that i can do what i need to do right now -- get a job and figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life.

[Confessions]

secrets #21 and #22 on this week's post secrets hit a little too close for comfort

[Confessions]

Confession: I'm posting this on an anonymous s/n, using an anonymous proxy server, scared s***** anyone might know this is me.

Confession: I have Human papillomavirus. Also known as genital warts. I don't know how I got it, but it's been there for at least 6 months. I am too scared to tell anyone, even my doctor about it, but it's getting worse.

Confession: I am extremely uncomfortable trying to meet new people for fear they will find out and shun me.

[Luet]

Well, in case you're a female and don't know, that is a risk factor for cervical cancer so please make sure to get your annual pap smears regularly.

And I know this won't really help, but it's so much less of a big deal than it seems to you. *hug*

[Rei]

I do have to make an effort not to wish death upon people who wish me a good morning at work.

I'm losing myself again.

[Mich]

I can't work up the courage to ask for my scanner back from my best friend. I lent/gave it to her for a project we were working on, but now the project has faded away, and I just want the scanner back...

[eggbalancer]

I am waiting for something catastrophic to happen so that we can declare martial law and live in our crawlspace. It would be fun! Now I just need to convince my wife to let me buy a few guns. Hopefully before the whole martial law thing...

[steph]

My husband is crazy.

Really. Read his post.

[Mahatma]

I went out with my friends last night and got kinda drunk. For your average 20-year-old college student, this is normal, but for me, it is not. I feel very weird about it, and kind of freaked out. Especially because I didn't bring a map or bus map with me, so we pretty much got home by luck. The only thing that makes me feel better is that at least I wasn't nearly as drunk as two of my friends. Ugh, weird.

And why I do I automatically assume that I need to be the responsible one? (Answer? Because, frankly, I am....)

[Young Val]

Confession:

so, until very very recently, i was poor. and i don't mean strapped for cash or anything. i mean i was POOR. i was working four jobs, seven days a week, roughly 14 hours a day, and i still couldn't pay my rent on the first of the month, not ever. i could barely eat, let alone afford a metro card to get me back and forth between jobs. my cell phone got shut off for a few months for non-payment. the only reason i had a computer is because i don't actually have my own computer; my roommate is kind enough to let me use hers.

and there're these things called student loans. which you can only ignore for so long before you get into a lot of trouble.

and i ignored mine WAY beyond that point.

and i am in way more than a lot of trouble.

but my confession is, now that i finally have the money to start making payments, i'm too afraid to talk to these people on the phone to get a plan worked out (they call a minimum of five times a day, and yes, on saturdays too).

i am, actually in the process of getting this under control. but i reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally would rather keep ignoring it. not because i don't want to pay up, but because i'm terrified of these people and i hate being yelled at, expecially when something is my own fault.


no lectures, please. just venting.

[Luet]

aww, i wish you had your own personal nomi there to call them for you. i would so do it for you. that's what I do for my friends. i call and pretend to be said friend and handle messy customer service issues. it's what i was BORN to do. sorry babe.

[Confessions]

Don't go thinking I'm not thankful / Cause me, I've got my hands full / of good things



I find it despicable when people put my complaints and problems in "perspective" by propping them up next to the problems of those "less fortunate" than I am in an attempt to illustrate my comparative "wealth."

[daPyr0x]

Confession: I feel increasingly comfortable using the confessions s/n when I see others using it as well

Confession: I like it when I understand hidden meanings.

Confession: I'm going on 3 weeks of days I've told myself to call the doctor to try and make an appointment for my depression.

Confession: I long for a career change, and yet the approaching appointment I have yet to make forces me to keep my current position for the benefits.

[zeroguy]

I am made of fail. Go me!

[Young Val]

confession: Jo's refusal of Laurie never ever bothered me until i hit puberty. it made complete and total sense when i was a girl, and i actually thought him and Amy were quite sweet.

then BAM! i started ovulating and oh-my-god it was the worst literary betrayal i'd ever read.

i read this book religiously at least once every three months or so. and every single time my outrage increases.

Louisa, Louisa, what the hell were you smoking when you dashed off Good Wives?








i'm literally writhing i'm so frustrated right now--and i've only just got to the scene where Jo and Teddy first meet! *sigh*

i'm such a girl.

[daPyr0x]

confession: I am jealous of her. I wish I had her strength and courage. I am weak.

[steph]

I can't fall asleep by myself very well.

Brian now works until midnight, putting him home closer to 1am, so I have to go to bed by myself. I find myself putting off going to bed every night, since it's hard for me to do alone.

[Gravity Defier]

A coworker and friend of mine is trying to find my myspace page - I made it as difficult to find as possible, though she now has my personal email address, which should do the trick- and (confession part here) I'm hoping she doesn't find it.

Because she'll want to add me.

And then she'll see that I have a grand total of 16 people friended.


And I think she, like most people, would judge me on that without meaning to do so.

[Mich]

I'll confess that I don't like people that will add just anyone as their friends; I prefer to keep my list short and to contain only those that I actually consider true friends.

Of course, I don't MySpace, I Facebook, but it's pretty much the same thing.

[Luet]

Confession: I only joined myspace to read Kelly's posts. And then I ended up using it to try to locate some long lost cousins on my dad's side of the family - which was successful. Those are the only three friends I have listed on myspace and I am quite content with that.

[Dr. Mobius]

I joined myspace for the same reason I joined facebook and LJ and so many other things online: because someone told me to. Unlike the others though, I never really got into myspace much. I only have like 8 friends and haven't checked the site in months.

[Oliver Dale]

Blah blah blah, meanwhile, add me already!

[daPyr0x]

Confession: I need to see a doctor. The realization of this grows stronger as time goes on. Unfortunately, so does my fear of doing so.
I'm currently scared of myself. I'm scared for my own well being.

Maybe tomorrow.

[Claire]

confession: I'm really really ridiculously obsessed with third eye blind, and it absolutely breaks my heart that they're going to be in the midwest during the summer and were on the east coast last school year. WHY must they always tour where I am not.

[Young Val]

confession: as much as i might miss him (a lot), and as much as i still love him (a LOT), i don't actually need henry in my life in order to be successful and happy.

...plus he was sort of an a******.

[starlooker]

Blah blah blah, meanwhile, add me already!

What he said.

[daPyr0x]

Confession: At a time when family doctors are at a premium and it's highly publicized that wait times are increasing dramatically; I'm so grateful that when I finally get the cajones to call my doctor is able to take me the very next day.

That scares the s*** out of me, but it only has to scare me for 11 more hours and then it can be done.

[Luet]

confession: as much as i might miss him (a lot), and as much as i still love him (a LOT), i don't actually need henry in my life in order to be successful and happy.

...plus he was sort of an a******.

YES.

[daPyr0x]

Confession: I'm oddly proud that today was the first time I'd seen my doctor in 5 years. I'm quite impressed at my own immune system for keeping me (relatively) healthy in that time.

[Jayelle]

Confession: I just found out my new nephew's name. It's Damien. I hate it. It sounds like demon. It's the kid from the Omen. I keep saying it out loud, trying to like it, but ick! Why did they choose that name?


(no offence to anyone on this board whose real name is Damien. It's a nice name, really.)


No it's not!

[ValentineNicole]

Confession:
I scream at him and tell him I hate him, but I don't.
I just don't understand how you can just "fall out of love" just like that, after all we shared.
I still love him.

[Confessions]

You're not enough for me.

[Mich]

My sister called today. Turned out she and her boyfriend had run all the way to Tennessee to get him away from the cops, but now she's realized the only way she can get away from him without him following is to come back home, where the warrant still exists.

And I confess that I half-hoped she, her boyfriend, and my nephew would never turn up (or worse), and we could all just... get on without them.

[VelvetElvis]

Why saddle tennessee with the criminals?

[Hegemon]

Because they fit in unnoticed