ValenWHINES day 2010

Talk about anything under the sun or stars - but keep it civil. This is where we really get to know each other. Everyone is welcome, and invited!

Your Valentine's Day:

Right Hand and 4Chan.
3
27%
Listen to Morrissey and Cry.
1
9%
Buy yourself Chocolate. Lots.
3
27%
Sleep all day. It never happened.
3
27%
Option for Jehovah's Witnesses. No holidays.
1
9%
 
Total votes: 11

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neo-dragon
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Postby neo-dragon » Mon Feb 22, 2010 5:57 pm


Sucks to be you, I guess. Maybe people should start celebrating that way, so they can stop being bitter and whining about "single's awareness."
I'm pretty sure that Christmas time still has Valentine's Day beat when it comes to depression and even suicides, and it has no special association with romance at all. Any day that's about celebrating some joyous aspect of life that not everyone has to the extent that they'd like is going to produce bitterness and whining. Let's try to be understanding and sympathetic instead of taking the "sucks to be you" road.
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Postby jotabe » Tue Feb 23, 2010 3:11 pm

I think as neo_dragon... it's not about the "silly" fact that you don't have a Valentine for you. It's about the fact that the ones of us who are alone against our wishes feel sad and inadequate about it. And during the day when we are reminded everywhere how wonderful having someone to love who loves you is, something that we believe even if we acknowledge it or not, those feelings of sadness and inadequacy increase.

You can call that bitter, though i don't see how.
I'm going to go ahead and say I'm offended, even if Jota isn't.
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Postby steph » Tue Feb 23, 2010 5:23 pm

I've always loved Valentine's Day, even when I was single. Then again, I grew up in Loveland, so Valentine's Day was a city-wide celebration. There are hearts with messages hung up on all the light posts around town, there is a Valentine Remailing program (send your valentine's cards to Loveland and they will stamp them with a special postmark and mail them on to their destination), an official Valentine Card, and seniors in high school get to elect Miss Loveland Valentine (which luckily isn't the same kind of popularity contest that Homecoming and Prom royalty are or anything close to a beauty contest.). She's always someone who is very strong academically and well-rounded and she actually has REAL duties involving visiting local and state governmental meetings. I've always loved Valentine's Day in my city. I do have to admit though, there is always a slight disappointment every year when, once again, no one purchased a heart message for me. I always secretly hoped someone would profess their secret and undying love for me on one of those hearts on a light post. It never happened. :(

I usually like to do some small pink or red sweet something for my friends. Cookies, a cute card, or something like that. For some reason this year, Tyler was VERY excited about Valentine's Day. He told me that it's a holiday where you give people you love stuff in a cup. (?) So, I bought a cute i <3 u cup and put some candy in it for the boys. For Brian, I forgot all the lovey dovey stuff and got him a Goonies t-shirt. Yeah, I'm a good wife!
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Postby human. » Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:04 pm

I've always liked the idea of Valentine's day! Though it's usually a slightly disappointing day. This year it was very interesting. My English teacher decided that we needed to have an old-fashioned Valentine's Day party. It was really fun! I made little Chinese food take-out boxes with a heart ornament, a valentine, cookies, a brownie and some candy all wrapped in tissue paper inside, and on the outside I cut out a big heart and a couple of little hearts to paste onto it and then I cut out each person's name and pasted it on and outlined the letters and hearts in black! It was really great.

Romantically, it's usually not as fun as it is doing silly things for my friends, but I did get a rose this year! That was a first. Overall, I'd say I have pretty positive feelings towards most holidays where I can make things.

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Postby anonshadow » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:44 am

Sorry. I wasn't trying to sound high and mighty.

I do think that my "community" has a better way of looking at the holiday than linking it to solely to romantic love. If you can even call it a community--Kim has the same experience, and NY and Texas are generally not regarded as being in the same community, and I have no idea how people in my hometown typically celebrate Valentine's Day.

I guess I just don't see how it isn't nice to turn the holiday into something that doesn't leave you feeling unhappy with yourself, and while I get that yes, it can be a challenge, I'm having a hard time understanding the rationale for choosing to be unhappy rather than making it something you can enjoy even if you're single in February.



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Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Feb 24, 2010 1:29 pm

I guess I just don't see how it isn't nice to turn the holiday into something that doesn't leave you feeling unhappy with yourself, and while I get that yes, it can be a challenge, I'm having a hard time understanding the rationale for choosing to be unhappy rather than making it something you can enjoy even if you're single in February.
*points*
Of course, the older I get, the more of my friends (not many to begin with) get engaged, married, or at least find relationships or have been the types to easily jump in and out of them throughout the years, so I feel even more alone.
My friends here all have a boyfriend or husband, plus kids. And I mean ALL. Most of my distance friends can say the same and the ones who can't have local friends to spend the holiday with.

My parents are both with someone. Two of three brothers are with someone, the third being 4 hours away, otherwise I'd hang out with him.

In high school, my friends dated. My "group" was very incestuous and dated each other (everyone but me, truly). In college, I honestly can't remember 2 out of 4 and the 2 I do remember weren't terrible but they weren't good, either.

Honestly, it's not a choice to sit and wallow. I am left, literally some years, alone. I can't call my friends; no matter how low key they are about the day, they're still celebrating with their SOs. At least with other holidays, they were designed to be familial or community oriented. Halloween, Easter, Christmas, Fourth of July.


And to the best of my knowledge, yes, Kim has/had the same experience but I'm pretty sure I remember her high school experiences involving un-romantic movies with her friends, like Cruel Intentions. They weren't exactly embracing the lovey-dovey aspect of the day, even if they were making it more inclusive.


But thank you for this last answer, anon. It felt less like an attack and more like a discussion.
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Postby anonshadow » Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:01 am

Sure. It doesn't have to be some huge affair--it usually isn't, except for packages from my parents. (I didn't include this for the sake of space, but most of my friends at school have similar experiences to mine, and we certainly don't all come from the same area.) It's just spending time together and appreciating each other. Maybe part of it is that the Valentine's Days I've spent alone since adolescence were largely after horrid relationships had ended, and I was quite happy to be romantically uninvolved.

I can certainly understand feeling unhappy that you (general you) are still alone when many of your friends are not. I just don't see much point in resenting the people who aren't, which is largely what I see from people who dislike Valentine's Day.

And I do think that arguing that because the original holiday was romantically oriented, it cannot ever gain another meaning is a pretty ridiculous claim. I don't think that you made it, but somebody did, and that's kind of a "wtf" to me.



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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:59 am

I just don't see much point in resenting the people who aren't, which is largely what I see from people who dislike Valentine's Day.
It's not resenting other people... it's resenting oneself.

Resenting others hardly ever makes people unhappy. Actually it's kind of liberating, you feel so justified, so right. It's resenting oneself, feeling one is just not good enough to have it, what causes the pain and sadness.

On the other hand, i never said it couldn't gain other meaning. See how Valentine works in Japan, it's basically a masculine popularity contest. I just said that far and large, in the world i live, it hadn't changed. We don't even see little kids celebrate Valentine around here.
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Postby anonshadow » Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:22 am

Well, my understanding is that St Valentine day is related to commited relationships. It isn't that strange, as it is a day that was consecrated to a martyr priest who was notorious for marrying christian couples. So it makes sense it's only about romantic love, not otherwise.
You may not have meant to say that it couldn't gain other meanings. However, you certainly did not say so. You categorically said that it was only about romantic love, and that it is related to committed relationships. But thanks for reforming your original statement. Clearly, we do not come from similar cultures.

Beyond that: it may not be about resenting other people for you. I don't think you can make that statement on behalf of everyone. I have had plenty of people tell me straight out that they resent me on Valentine's Day. That may also include feeling unhappy with oneself; in fact, it probably does with the vast majority of people. However, a person can certainly resent other people while feeling unhappy; I've felt that way, and I know for a fact that most people I am close to have as well. So I'm really not sure why you think that resenting others hardly ever makes people unhappy, unless we have radically different definitions of "abuse."



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Postby Wil » Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:49 am

As I said above... I just consider it another Sunday. It use to bother me, but then I decided I was tired of letting a single day make me feel awful. If you're alone, then treat it as any other day because that is what it is. I can see how the day may remind people of things they had, or things they don't have, or things they want, or things they can't have, but you don't need to let it get you down.

I am quite convinced that that the first step for many people in being happy isn't began by looking for someone that makes you happy (a significant other), but being happy alone. I believe that it makes relationships stronger when you don't depend on them to support your own happiness. Just because people look ridiculously happy with significant others doesn't mean they always are. Relationships, from everything I've ever seen, are a lot of work and involve a decent amount of hardship at some stage of the relationship.

Now, I'm not saying all relationships are like this. I have no doubt that there are those who meet someone, and they live and mesh together perfectly from day one to day ten-thousand. I just do not believe this is as all the norm.

Just think, though! All those Valentines days you sit and think "Man, if I had someone to be with, I'd get them this most perfect awesome gift, and I'd do this most awesome perfect thing for them...", you're collecting ideas and not wasting them on frivolous relationships.

I choose to think of myself as not being alone, but simply patiently waiting for the right girl. It is a CHOICE to decide how you look at your own lack of (a) relationship(s). You could just as easily look at it as you being a pussy (excuse my meow), or that women/men are silly/stupid/blind and they never see how great you are, or that you believe your physical attributes are less than drop-dead-gorgeous or you could look at yourself as just being content with yourself, bettering yourself in any ways you see fit. Get out in the world and talk to people more and get uncomfortable to become comfortable interacting with both men and women, learn to do things that make you the center of attention so people have no choice but to see you (think playing an instrument not drunken back-flip off the balcony in to a pool), or get a new haircut/clothes and exercise and make yourself feel better about who you are - beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as they say, and confidence in oneself often enhances this. Even if some of these things might have some semblance of truth, such as that you might be incapable of approaching (wo)men, or you might be a nervous wreck when you talk to (wo)men, you shouldn't let them bring you down. You shouldn't use them as an excuse to stay as who you are and stagnate. If you are unhappy with you or something in your life, then you have to go out and change it yourself as nobody is going to do it for you.

Or, you could choose to look at it in any healthy and non-upsetting way you so desire. You're waiting for the right one, you're focusing on your studies/work, you're working toward some goal and you have no time for relationships, etc. It isn't at all a positive personality trait to be bitter about yourself, others, or relationships. Trust me, I know (see: posts between October 2007 to late 2008/mid 2009).

TL;DR: If you were unhappy on the 14th of February in 2010, then either actively work toward making the same day in 2011 better by changing yourself or modify how you look at life and stop being unhappy for the sake of being unhappy.

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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 8:56 am

This is pop-psy, but it's my thinking that when you are resenting others and that's eating at you, it's because you really aren't resenting others. You say you are, you even might convince yourself you are resenting others, but the real reason of your pain is that you think it's deserved, that you actually are resenting you, if you were honest with yourself.

When you resent others, when you really are convinced they are guilty of your pain, and that gives you a selfish, wild pleasure. It's like scratching when you have a bug-bite: it only makes it worse, but you feel better that way, temporarily at least.

Well that's how i think human mind works XD after analysing my own lol. So you can guess how much validity that has.

Will, i think the actual secret is acceptance of one's own reality. It's like becoming millionaire: you might fantasize about what you'd do if you had tons of money, or plan a thousand of get-rich-quick (or slow) schemes... but if you pin yourself to such thoughts, you are going to end up in bitter disappointment. It's much healthier to accept, openly, warmly, without second thoughts, that you will never be rich (which also is almost statistically true), and be done with it. Wishful thinking is one of the most powerful forces one can exert against oneself.
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Postby Wil » Thu Feb 25, 2010 12:41 pm

I'm sorry, but I refuse to accept that. It sounds like defeat to me. It sounds like an excuse to continue being unhappy with your station in life. It sounds like: "I'll always be fat and I'm unhappy because I'm fat so I'll always be unhappy", it's either ACCEPT that you're fat and be content about it (ala the fat movement) or CHANGE your ways until you're happy with how you look. I'm not advocating wishful thinking, I'm advocating either being happy with where you are OR actively trying to change your life until you are happy.

No offense, but all I seem to hear from you is akin to this:
I'm alone and I'll always be alone that's just the way it is and nothing I do will change it and I'll always be unhappy and why bother trying to change this because it will never change.

That is complete and utter bullshit. That's not accepting reality, that's accepting defeat. That's deciding to be unhappy - deciding to do nothing - not accepting reality.

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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:29 pm

But you can be content accepting your unhappiness. And self-acceptance, even if it is the acceptance of your own unhappiness, actually brings happiness.
It's counterintuitive, i know :wink: but if you accept you will be unhappy forever, (and don't mean it in a "defeat" way, but accepting it the same way you accept the law of gravity or electromagnetism: complete and wholehearted acceptance), that will actually make you happier. Self-acceptance is the first step to real happiness, even to self change.

Of course you should never change yourself in order to be happy. Because if you change your ways and verify that happiness didn't happen, you will be worse off. Self change has to happen for small, reachable, objective goals... changing yourself thinking it will make you happier is self-delusion.

Btw, don't treat defeat as a swear word :lol: only defeat teaches you something, victory teaches nothing.
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Postby Young Val » Thu Feb 25, 2010 1:52 pm

In a weird way, I think you're both actually trying to get to the same point.

Or maybe I'm crazy.
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Postby Wil » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:05 pm

You should change yourself if you yourself want the change, for yourself, not for anyone else, or because someone else wants you to change. There is a significant difference. Let me highlight them for you:

A boy you like says that he likes girls with short hair, so you cut all of your hair short even though you've been growing it out for years.

OR

You conform yourself to the ideals and morals of another or a group of people in order to fit in.

OR

You take up a sport you have no interest in to please someone else.

This is the WRONG kind of change.

You hate your job and it brings you endless grief. You decide to go back to school in the evenings, eventually finding a job you enjoy.

OR

You decide that you're tired of being weak and skinny, so you start attending a gym and eating better, slowing gaining muscle, endurance, and weight.

OR

You're very uncomfortable around the opposite sex. You have trouble talking with them, it makes you nervous, and it really affects your confidence. So you attend (a) public speaking/communication class(es) and begin going out to meet new people.

These are all examples of GOOD, positive change. Change that people do every day. Changing to be happier in life, not for someone or because of someone else, but for yourself. You shouldn't live life settling, and you shouldn't accept unhappiness. Many do, but just because they do doesn't mean you have to also. If something doesn't work out, you might feel let down, but you learn from it. Take risks! If you win, you will be happy. If you lose, you will be wise.

I don't just say all this for the sake of saying it. I was very unhappy years ago! Sure, I got along just fine. I was CONTENT with being unhappy. But I was still unhappy. I've known happiness before them, and I knew I liked it. It felt nice. It was easier to just sit back, eat, and be lonely and fat. But life isn't easy. I started putting myself out there more. I purposefully put myself in uncomfortable situations just so they wouldn't be so uncomfortable any more. I started working out, because I was unhappy about how I looked. I kept with it. There were, of course, rough points. Days you don't want to do anything. Days you look horrible and feel worse. Days where nothing goes right. But you get past them. You just keep pushing forward, trying to improve upon yourself - working toward happiness.

I now question why even bother living life if you're going to half-ass your way through it. You only get about eighty trips around that glowing ball in the sky, and as you get older the round-trips seem to take less and less time, so why waste it.

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Postby Jayelle » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:10 pm

Isn't this just rehashing the things that were said in this thread?
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Postby Wil » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:16 pm

I stopped reading that thread after the first page, so it very well may be. *shrugs*

Whatever!

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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 2:30 pm

Isn't this just rehashing the things that were said in this thread?
It's a topic that provokes me :lol:
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Postby Syphon the Sun » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:45 pm

"If you have a goal, you might not reach it. So if you don't have one, you're never disappointed."

Good luck trying to convince him otherwise, Wil. Though I think you should be confident that you can, just to spite him for hating anyone with some semblance of self-confidence.
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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 3:53 pm

Though I think you should be confident that you can, just to spite him for hating anyone with some semblance of self-confidence.
I'd have to hate myself, then :wink:
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Postby Syphon the Sun » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:39 pm

self-confidence makes me vomit, to be perfectly honest.
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Postby jotabe » Thu Feb 25, 2010 4:49 pm

Doesn't mean i don't have any, does it? :lol:
We all have bad traits, that's one of mine. *raises hand guiltily* I was trying to hide that from the world :oops:
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Postby Graff^ » Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:19 pm

Cute picture. Where'd you find it?
Where does friendship end and love begin?

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Postby Jayelle » Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:33 pm

I'm guessing...the internet.
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Postby Graff^ » Thu Feb 25, 2010 5:50 pm

I mean can he/she provide a link.
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Postby Mich » Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:13 pm

Since it's required for any pictures posted on this forum to be hosted somewhere else, you can find the specific location of a picture by right-clicking and selecting "Image Properties" or just "Properties," depending on your browser. In this case, it is hosted on Imagebucket, meaning it may or may not be Jotabe's.
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Postby jotabe » Fri Feb 26, 2010 1:33 am

Nah, not mine ^_^ i just googled images for "busted" :D
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