Philotic Web

Dear Body,

Pre-pregnancy pants after two weeks! I love you, body.

That's insanely impressive! (From a woman who's never been pregnant)

Dear body,

I was doing a good, honorable, well-intentioned (if borderline foolish) thing. Please don't punish me for that.

Love,
Me

Dear Body,

HEAL DAMN YOU!!!

That is all.

Lip,

Please stop getting in the way of teeth, its not good for you.

Me

Body,

Way to go! There are currently three different colds and two different stomach flu's currently being fought off in the family that I was around for three days in a row over Christmas, and you've not caught any of them. Remain strong!

Wil

Dear Body,

Four days of this shoulder cramp is more than enough, thank you. I'd like to go for a swim or even lie in bed with no pain, but I can't do that until you loosen up.

Thanks.

Dear Body,

I know it's been stressful. But I don't need to be breaking out on top of it!

Cut it out.

Love,
Miranda

Dear Body,

Shape up! Especially you, left side. The shoulder was one thing, but it's still going on, can we stop that now? And really, the two bruises on your elbow, your bruised ankle, and the smushed fingernail? Isn't that a bit much?

Right side, keep up the good work.

-- The Driver

Dear body,

I cannot afford $50 a visit for physical therapy. So, I would appreciate it if this left side hip/groin pain, inguinal ligament strain, whatever it is would get better. You bothered me eight years ago and I went for PT for months. I can't do that now. I'm stretching you and taking ibuprofen, so just get better already! You hurt a lot!

Dear Arms,

you've been getting compliments lately. I'm proud of you and the work I've put in. Seriously, just keep doing your thing, and I'll keep adding protein. Oh, and fingers, thanks for the awesome working memory that I use to beast it in Smash Bros. I'm gonna have to strengthen you if I want to get better at breaking, so be prepared for the pain.

Love,
Mind

Dear Body,

Why are you so hungry all the time? I don't mind feeding you - I understand you need a lot more energy now and that I ask a lot from you. I'm just curious as to the sudden and dramatic increase in fuel consumption. I'll keep getting you the things you like and accommodate your metabolic rate, just let me know if something is wrong, okay?

Dear body,

Please stop trying to turn my uterus inside out. It hurts.

Dear nose,

Enough already with the running and sniffling and messing up my throat... I don't like it. my voice doesn't like it, and my boyfriend sure doesn't like it.

Immune system, get your ass in gear and be done with whatever this is.

Dear nose,

Enough already with the running and sniffling and messing up my throat... I don't like it. my voice doesn't like it, and my boyfriend sure doesn't like it.

Immune system, get your ass in gear and be done with whatever this is.

ATT. spine GO TO HELL!

Dear Body,

Wake up, already! You've been in sleep/uncoordinated mode since we got home! It's been a whole weekend and half a working day! Please start interfacing a bit more effectively with my brain.

Me

Dear Brain,

I've just instructed body to start interfacing with you. That means you have to be awake and in go mode, as well. Get there, please.

Me

Dear body,

Please stop feeling queasy. I would appreciate it. Also, if you could keep things toned down on the anxiety, that'd be great.

~me

Dear Body/Brain:

Good job. Way to get synced up. Much appreciation.

A much saner feeling,

Me

Dear Body,

Please stop finding new and creative ways to mess with me. This is really getting silly.

Dear Body,

Please settle down, because things are going to get a lot harder soon, and you ought to rest while you can!


Dear Body',

Good for you, you have hands and feet and a head and a heartbeat! That's all the essentials covered! Good work!

Dear body,

Please stop ruining my life. Lose weight. Be prettier. Attract boys better than the last one. Anything.

Dear Body,

You've had it easy for far too long. Notorious button killer Fat Tummy has neutralized the wearability of too many pairs of my pants. He also has made it increasingly tricky to find replacements that fit. This summer will see his end, once and for all.

Dear body,

You've been a real bro. You put up with a lot of abuse. I expect a lot, I know, and make you sacrifice constantly. I try to give you the best I can in return, but I know sometimes you want things I can't or shouldn't give you. But trust me. It's worth it. You'll see. They'll all see.

Body,

Can you please quit with the GI bug? I had one a month ago and now I have one again. And just when I think it's done, you throw up again! I guess I should have expected that, since the smallest spawn did the exact same thing earlier in the week, but COME ON! Get well! There's too many important things going on to be down in bed!

Dear body,

I know you don't like putting on weight. I know you hate the idea of bulking up. I don't like it any more than you do - but we both know it's got to be done. I'm sorry it came at such an inconvenient time; eating heavy/over maintenance during the muggy early summer weeks can be very uncomfortable, but let's face it - all your lifts had stalled, you weren't going to be able to get much lower than 8% bodyfat anyway, and the only reason you didn't look the way we wanted was because you lacked the lean muscle tissue that would have filled out the loose skin you've got leftover from being overweight. While we both know that that particular issue will eventually rectify itself with time and patience, and that skin will tighten to conform to the new dimensions of the body, it was the perfect time to increase caloric intake and put on some needed mass while increasing limit strength and progressing in our lifts. Be patient; it's only another 2 weeks and then we'll be taking the rest of the summer to trim any fat we've put on. If you bear with me, we'll be better than ever. I know you feel full and heavy sometimes (so do I), but honestly it's been a very successful bulk these last few weeks, with minimal fat gain and solid muscle gain. And we both know that cutting is much easier for us, we'll be able to quite quickly lose the fat gained (and more) with minimal muscle loss. You'll see - we'll look and feel better than we ever have before. Come August, they'll be blown away. I'll get you a nice tan, go clothes shopping and show you off.

- Self

Dear Tooth,

Ouch. Okay. You're unhappy. Message received. But I have to talk for two more hours today, so could you calm the heck down for awhile if I promise to make a dentist appointment in the next week?

Thanks,

Me

What up, body?

Like, seriously? Three hours ago you were tip-top. Then suddenly stomach cramps, what feels like a fever, and a slight headache. If I wake up dead tomorrow I shall be very cross, but it would at least be a linear progression.

If I wake up dead tomorrow

For tips on how to smoothly make the transition, please contact Dr. Mobius.

In the rare* event of a death lasting more than 4 hours, seek immediate medical help to avoid long-term injury.


*Is that really so rare?

Dear Body,

Do not get sick, do not get sick, do not get sick!

- A very blah feeling you

Body, why the heck are you feeling like crap? I don't want to feel like crap.

Hey you,

I know that I haven't been particularly nice to you for this more recent month. But putting on all that weight back on is a little much. I was very nice to you last week, but you are still being uncooperative. I expect much better results from you this week. Also, over the weekend, I will sunscreen you. Do your best to not get burnt to a crisp. It seems not matter what I do, you like to be a certain shade of red.

Dear Digestive System,

Remember the good old days, when we worked in such effortless tandem? I'd eat, you'd excrete, and that was all there was to it? I miss that.

Fondly,

Me

Dear Body,

I know you're working super hard right now, and I want you to know I appreciate it, and I'm doing what I can to make it easier. Trust me, you'll appreciate the efforts at exercise later on! Thanks for trying to cooperate!

My butt did not love the trip to Stamford Bridge. I'm sorry, butt! And I'm sorry you had to bike down to campus today, I promise it was necessary! And it builds character, you know!