Cause Breakin' Up is (Still) Hard to Do

[mr_thebrain]

i'm sorry, i didn't mean to make it sound like i was judging your behavior, or whatever. i was simply trying to explain the male perspective, as john pointed out.

personally, i have tried to keep ties with my ex's it's never worked out, so after awhile i stopped trying. it was better in the long run. for both of us, i think, because it always felt like i was just leading the girl on. they might think they have some chance, slim though it may have been, of getting back together. as i never saw that as an option, it was not a good thing to do to the other person.

with that being said, perhaps it is best for you to do it as you said, and never see him again. it'd probably speed along the recovery time too.

good luck!

[Young Val]

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[Petra456]

Willow: ... It must be horrible.
Buffy: I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying.

... I had something to say to that. But right just, yea.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[daPyr0x]

Hey Val

I gotta say....I'm kinda there right now; except I don't have the option of seeing my ex the way you do. I'm just about past week 3 myself.

It sucks. You don't know what to do, how you're supposed to feel, how to move on. You worry about how they're feeling, what they're up to without you...

I dont think you're acting any more erraticly than can be expected in a time like this. I say this mostly because in the same situation I wouldn't be acting any differently. As I said, I'm there; just don't get to see her or talk much to her - and I know I'm acting erratically myself. We'll talk, want to get back together, try to work things out, and suddenly I'm just so upset and hurt I can't help but be an a****** and make all thise horrible backhanded comments; then I wonder why she's stopped trying to reach me. I can count on one hand the number of nights I've stayed sober since the break up - and before that day I can count on a couple fingers how many times I had gotten drunk. I miss her, I love her, I want her back; I never want to see her again, I hate her for what she did to me, I can't trust her. I think about all the times we had together, I smile, I cry, and then I remember just what happened that final evening, and what led up to it, and I drink.

I don't think there's a right way to go through this sort of thing, Val; and I don't think you're doing badly at it. That, or, we're both insane in the same way....

Regardless, you're doing just fine. You're still here, typing to all of us. You're sane enough to type, thus you're sane enough to carry on with your life - it just takes a little more effort than it used to. It won't for long.

I used to have this agreement of sorts that her and I should get back together, just like what you are talking about; but at this point I have put that thought out of my head. Unless you can do that, you're never going to be able to move on enough to truely reset your relationship. Maybe we will, maybe we won't; that is not a concern for now. Now the concern is getting past what happened, moving on with my life, and getting back to being *you*. You can worry about "you and him" another day.

You'll pull through, Val. If I can, you can too.

[Young Val]

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[Luet]

I didn't break up but I lost my best friend in a horrible betrayal, so I really can relate. I am still reeling daily. I see her three times a week and she is fawning all over her brother who she knows violated me, but I guess she doesn't believe that anymore. I used to spend every single day with her and now it's been over a month since she has spoken to me. It hurts so much. I would never have chosen my brother over her. I considered her my sister. Especially if he had done something like that to her. I just can't believe this is how it has all gone...

[anonshadow]

Well, god, aren't the New York girls a sorry trio.

There was a girl who was my best friend for years. We did everything together. It's more than a year after I got out of an incredibly abusive relationship and told her what had happened, and not only does she continue to make very little effort to continue to talk to me, she has continued to spend time with--and defend--him.

She had the nerve to tell me recently that asking her not to mention him--even in light conversation--wasn't the most healthy way that I could approach the situation.

Jesus, because apparently hearing somebody who ditched you for your abusive boyfriend talk about him while the two of you are trying--even just a little--to mend bridges is so healthy. And being reminded of a bad situation that she is a major part of is so healthy.

I'm trying to deal with it. I really am. Because she used to be a good person and a good friend.

But f****** Christ, where the hell does she come off telling me that I'm being too sensitive??

Edit: Because apparently I'm not done ranting...

It's funny, because I have, on some level, dealt with the s*** that my ex did. There's still a little left over--I have a snap reaction to any fight I ever have with my boyfriend that is far too extreme, I'm still incredibly incredibly comfortable with other women in my boyfriend's life because other women in my ex's life were given higher precedence than me, and I still have a hard time talking about the future, on some level, because I'm afraid that that will make my boyfriend take me for granted and start treating me like s***.

But her?

Her, the wound is still as deep as it was last year. Deeper. Because I know that she isn't going to change, and because since then, she has said some really unforgivable things, and I don't think she even realizes how terrible they are.

She told me once--albeit in the middle of a fight--that she didn't even believe me when I told her that something had happened, and if it had, she was sure I'd deserved it. That I drove him to it. And that she said that, even in a fight...

And I still believe it. And it wasn't because of anything else.

It was because of what she said.

I mean, hell, the girl almost moved in with us when her parents threw her out! I thought she was a good person to trust. I thought that she wouldn't let me down.

But...

[Luet]

Wow, I can really really relate. I'm so sorry.

It's so easy to believe the awful things those people we used to love say to us. But we have to try to believe what WE know to be the truth, tho it's much harder.

When my cousin (former best friend) came to my house to attack me after first hearing her brother's lying side of the story, she accused me of all kinds of horrible, vulgar things in front of my husband. And has never apologized for that. Then, in calmer moments she has said other, really painful things. Like that she believes that I used my sexuality to control him and the relationship. And that I did more damage to him than his entire childhood did (which is so laughable since she previously referred to his childhood as similar to the book A Child Called It). She just can't stand to believe that he is capable of doing what I told her he did. So, she has to alter reality to make it that I was the aggressor and he was the victim. That is an easier reality for her to live with.

But I know the truth. I know what really happened. I know what was and was NOT my motive for being his friend from the beginning. I know how and why things got inappropriate and crossed the lines they crossed. I know who was responsible for that. I can't convince her of that but the people who really know me, know the truth. And she has lost much more than I have. I am a good friend and she has proven herself to not be much of one. And I'm sure it's the same in your case. Just keep telling yourself what you know to be the truth.

It is weird how the best friend effect is so long lasting. I see him fairly often too but he's like a non-entity at this point. But I know I will be feeling the pain from the loss and betrayal of her for a long time to come.

[anonshadow]

*wince* Oh, god. I'm sorry.

And it really is true... my ex doesn't really bother me anymore. Not that much. I'm certainly not scared of him. I'm angry. I'm still really, really angry. But I'm not scared of him. I'm not really hurt anymore.

But her?

I'm still grasping at straws trying to figure out why she did that to me. And what right she thinks she has to tell me that I'm being too sensitive in not wanting to hear her talk about him.

[Young Val]

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[Young Val]

[edit]

[anonshadow]

*wince* Can you maybe tell him you changed your mind?

[Derwyddon]

my exgirlfriend got married on saturday.

talk about an ouchie.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[v-girl]

my ex got engaged less than 4 months after we broke up, and got married less than 4 months after that.

i later found out he had started talking to the woman he married while we were still technically dating. granted, it was pretty much over and i'm not angry about it, but it kind of hurt.

[anonshadow]

My ex proposed to me (when we were still together) while he was cheating on me with another girl.

[daPyr0x]

my ex got engaged less than 4 months after we broke up, and got married less than 4 months after that.

i later found out he had started talking to the woman he married while we were still technically dating. granted, it was pretty much over and i'm not angry about it, but it kind of hurt.

My dad cheated on my mom, twice, with the same woman; and then a handful of months (I honestly don't know how many) after their divorce went through he was married to her...



This seems to be the most relevant place to post this; do all women go clinically insane when they stupidly end good relationships? Seriously...some of the things she's said and done since then are so.....yeah...Just totally f****** up. I don't understand it.

Anyways, yes, still, breaking up is hard to do; but in my case it was the best thing to do.

[Petra456]

This seems to be the most relevant place to post this; do all women go clinically insane when they stupidly end good relationships? Seriously...some of the things she's said and done since then are so.....yeah...Just totally f****** up. I don't understand it.

I'm starting to think it's not being insane, it's just they don't realize what they're doing, or if they do, then it's just being mean.

[mr_thebrain]

psychologically speaking, the woman is trying to fill a void that the divorce created within the love/trust/relationship part of their brain. As humans don't normally consider this when decision making, they tend to try to fill that void with things that will never fill the void.

this effects women more than men on average because of the rolls places on our genders by society. Society places a stoicism roll on the male, therefore men act out less in regards to their emotions.

just food for thought.

[anonshadow]

I don't know--I've known men who have been incredibly broken up about ended or failing relationships. I think a lot of the time, they just hide it better.

There's also the school of thought that says that women are, in some ways, encouraged to feel victimized. I think that sometimes, women go nuts during failing relationships and after the relationships end because they feel like they're supposed to fall apart.

Men do plenty of crazy, stupid things, though, when they go through a breakup. My ex refused to eat for a week when his first girlfriend dumped him, and waxed poetic about it for years.

[mr_thebrain]

you make valid points. keep in mind, too, that not every person acts along the norms.

just because psychological studies say stuff like i just said, doesn't mean that every man or woman acts true to the results of the study.

[anonshadow]

Of course not every person acts along the norm! I'm sorry if I implied that I thought that was the case--totally not what I think.

I actually think that, with breakups, there really isn't a norm. Not with serious relationships.

[Jayelle]

I take a bit of issue with the "all women". It's just some women.

But I'll have grace, because it's Cam and he can rant if he wants to.

[daPyr0x]

Aww how sweet of you, JL.

And, you may note that I was asking IF all women were like that, as opposed to just some... I know more than one...

anon: I didn't eat for a week either. Not that I refused; more that I couldn't. I also drank until intoxicated every night for almost 3 weeks. Neither are like me whatsoever. I consider those to be rather....normal...ways that people react to stresses like that. I expect people to eat less; drink or otherwise intoxicate themselves; rebound; etc.... I wouldn't call that sorta thing going crazy, that's just getting over a relationship poorly.

[anonshadow]

Not eating isn't a normal way to react to anything but very major stress, nor is drinking yourself into oblivion. I don't think that most women differ so much from men in their reaction to breakups, so to answer your question--very few women go "clinically insane" after breakups, and your use of the word "clinically" doesn't really fit here.

Edit, because I sounded really curt and rude: Um. I don't mean to sound curt or rude.

I think that people who hurt do stupid, s***** things, especially to the people who hurt them. I know that I have done some stupid s***** things to people who have hurt me, especially when they're connected with breakups. Your tolerance for stress is just so much lower, so you have a tendency to snap more and do stupider things.

So... clinically insane, no, but overly stressed and nasty? Yes. I don't think it's exclusive to women, but yes.

[daPyr0x]

Not eating isn't a normal way to react to anything but very major stress, nor is drinking yourself into oblivion. I don't think that most women differ so much from men in their reaction to breakups, so to answer your question--very few women go "clinically insane" after breakups, and your use of the word "clinically" doesn't really fit here.

Edit, because I sounded really curt and rude: Um. I don't mean to sound curt or rude.

I think that people who hurt do stupid, s*** things, especially to the people who hurt them. I know that I have done some stupid s*** things to people who have hurt me, especially when they're connected with breakups. Your tolerance for stress is just so much lower, so you have a tendency to snap more and do stupider things.

So... clinically insane, no, but overly stressed and nasty? Yes. I don't think it's exclusive to women, but yes.

Actually, appetite changes (either loss or gain) are common responses to emotional stress. Look up a loss of appetite or appetite changes online and you'll see reference to emotional stress as being a cause. I tend to think that a bad break up - especially after a long term relationship (or, you know, when being engaged is involved...) - classifies as major stress.

Similarily, turning to alcohol or other drugs (legal or otherwise) is also a common response to severe emotional stress. It's not healthy, however it often provides people with a crutch and an escape rather than dealing with their emotions. This is how alcoholism starts; and this is the reason I haven't drank in a few nights, because I don't want to become that; no matter how much I want to.

You're correct, clinically didn't work in that form; it was just my adverb for the word insane to infer extremely.

And nasty, mean, rude, whathaveyou; that kinda stuff also doesn't concern me. I fully recognize that as another 'normal' reaction....

[starlooker]

There is some evidence that men/women do mourn ended relationships (well, specifically, marriages) differently. And that they mourn for different things. *shrugs* I've been reading about it lately. However, Mr. TheBrain, I don't believe that men are necessarily less affected. They may be affected by different things, and by different aspects of the breakup -- but it's still definitely there. In fact, one of the disservices done to men by society is make illegitimate any kind of reaction to the ending of a relationship.

I'd say more but I'm not sure this is really the place. Anyways, overarching point is that there's a process, it's different for everyone, embrace it.

if anything, it's gotten HARDER. i'm hanging on by a thread.

There's a quote in some book or other -- I think it's Back When We Were Grownups where this man is talking about his wife who died and says that you'd think it would be like quitting cigarettes. At first you really miss them, but as time goes by you miss them less and less. But it's not like that. Really, it's more like missing water. The longer it's gone the more you miss it. This reminded me of that.

(Not that I don't believe that it will get better -- I think it will. Just mentioning it because I was reminded of it. Hang on by a thread if that's all you've got, but please do hang on.)

[Luet]

this effects women more than men on average because of the rolls places on our genders by society. Society places a stoicism roll on the male, therefore men act out less in regards to their emotions.

Since I doubt you're referring to round baked dough, I think you meant 'role'.

[Hegemon]

No... I am quite sure that he believes that women are a form of baked goods.

[daPyr0x]

John, why must you tempt me to make a slew of eating jokes?

star: I would have to agree with what you're getting at there. Though, I don't fully understand it purely because I'm not a woman and can't feel what they would feel. I mourn over the loss of my trust for women, I mourn over the companionship that we once had, the love I once felt, the intimacy that we had together (no, intimacy does not mean sex. I have realized now that sexual intercourse is far from the most intimate thing a couple does together) and the future I thought was coming. I no longer mourn over her; I have realized that she can be replaced with someone equal or better. The relationship, those emotions, and the intimacy... those will take time....a lot of itme....to get back.

[anonshadow]

Actually, appetite changes (either loss or gain) are common responses to emotional stress. Look up a loss of appetite or appetite changes online and you'll see reference to emotional stress as being a cause. I tend to think that a bad break up - especially after a long term relationship (or, you know, when being engaged is involved...) - classifies as major stress.

I'm well aware of that. I don't quite understand what you're saying that I didn't say--loss of appetite is certainly associated with major stress. I was simply under the impression that you were claiming that it is common with any amount of stress, and not eating for a week is not, generally, a normal reaction to stress.

*shrug* I know what normal responses to stress are. I'm just pointing out that what's normal differs by degree.

[mr_thebrain]

rolls. LMAO i can't believe i did that. i guess in my haste to post and be done with work, i was temporarily without a brain.

[Yebra]

Oh God. I don't know how to deal with this...

[Yebra]

My Girlfriend stopped loving me.

We've been going out a year and the last few weeks it just...stopped.

God.