Cause Breakin' Up is (Still) Hard to Do

[daPyr0x]

I'm trying to date now...

I'm kinda sorta dating someone new.

At first, it was really tough, becuase I'd keep putting her down (in my mind) by comparing her to Nicole and listing off to myself her comparative "shortcomings". It has gotten easier; though it is still kinda off because..I'm still weird on being in a relationship with anyone. I can't bare to call someone ELSE my girlfriend....I cant even start to think about it...it just doesn't work.

I fear that I'm liking her too much though. And by that I really mean that I fear that she's filling in the many voids left by Nicole and I'm redirecting possibly too much of those feelings towards her....I'm scared of that because I know they're not real.

Nicole won't leave me alone. All I want is to get the ring, my clothes, and - if i can - the laptop back and just make her butt right out of my f****** life....I don't want to talk to her anymore. I don't want to think of her anymore. I don't even want to remember her. I want those 3 wasted years forgotten from my life. I'm sure that's just because I feel hurt right now, but I don't care.

Relationships blow.

[anonshadow]

While perhaps it isn't my place to say this, from what I've gathered, some of the things you're talking about (like the laptop and the ring) were gifts. Isn't it a little... tacky... to make someone give back gifts?

It is good, however, that you're moving on.

[Hegemon]

It is an engagement ring. I believe that by law he is supposed to get it back... basically it was a gift with a condition precedent (that of getting married) that was never met.

[anonshadow]

Is that really a law??

Well, if so, my mistake (though my feelings on the laptop still stand).

[Hegemon]

I think it is common law, as opposed to statutory... I remember hearing that statement in relation to J-Lo and Ben Affleck's break up during a wine and dine thing to recruit me to the law school.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[daPyr0x]

The laptop was a gift, you are correct. The only reason it's something that I feel like I should get it back is because I bought it for her like 3 weeks before she decided to cheat on me.....I mean...I put a lot into getting that for her, it was a big thing, and for me to give that to her and her to turn around and do what she did, kinda f****** heartless... That's why I ask for it back.

[VelvetElvis]

I sort of agree, since she was the one who commited breech of "contract"

However, why do you want it back? What will you do with it if you get it back? Do you want it back just so you can know that she doesn't have it anymore?

[mr_thebrain]

dude. if i bought a laptop computer for a woman i was dating, and we broke up. i would want it back. not for revenge or anything. i tend to heal quickly. no, it would be because it's a laptop computer and by golly i would want to use it. or sell it.

years ago i lost a fiancee to another man. yeah, i was cheated on. it sucked. i got over it. anyway. i made her keep the ring. or at least promise to keep it. we know how good she was at keeping promises though so who knows. anyway, i knew i didn't want the ring back. i surely wanted the money back, because i was poor. but i was also of the mind that money comes and goes, being a pain in the ass is forever. my hopes were that she would keep it, and whenever she saw it, it would remind her of how bad a person she is. I doubt it worked like that, but here's hoping. i still wish her all the ill will and unhappiness that is possible for any one person to experience.

[Young Val]

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[VelvetElvis]

dude. if i bought a laptop computer for a woman i was dating, and we broke up. i would want it back. not for revenge or anything. i tend to heal quickly. no, it would be because it's a laptop computer and by golly i would want to use it. or sell it.

years ago i lost a fiancee to another man. yeah, i was cheated on. it sucked. i got over it. anyway. i made her keep the ring. or at least promise to keep it. we know how good she was at keeping promises though so who knows. anyway, i knew i didn't want the ring back. i surely wanted the money back, because i was poor. but i was also of the mind that money comes and goes, being a pain in the ass is forever. my hopes were that she would keep it, and whenever she saw it, it would remind her of how bad a person she is. I doubt it worked like that, but here's hoping. i still wish her all the ill will and unhappiness that is possible for any one person to experience.

Glad to hear that you've healed.

[Yebra]

f***.

It's really over.

That keeps coming back to me.

The highland cow plush she got me is sitting on my desk.

I can't get rid of that.

[Young Val]

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[anonshadow]

The laptop was a gift, you are correct. The only reason it's something that I feel like I should get it back is because I bought it for her like 3 weeks before she decided to cheat on me.....I mean...I put a lot into getting that for her, it was a big thing, and for me to give that to her and her to turn around and do what she did, kinda f****** heartless... That's why I ask for it back.

I don't know--I really don't think it matters. You got it for her, and she's been using it, and it seems really puerile to say, "Hey, give me that back." It doesn't matter how "heartless" what she did was--although, from my understanding, albeit somewhat limited, you both had a part in the way the situation escalated. I've noticed a tendency on your part to put all the blame on her (at least on PWeb), and given what I know about, say, the myspace incident... I don't think she was the only one who did something disgusting and heartless.

My feelings? It was a gift. It is perfectly reasonable to ask for your stuff back, and even relatively reasonable to ask for the ring back, but getting nasty over a gift?

Just... no. I highly doubt that she was using you to get a laptop before she went out and cheated on you. A bad situation happened, and you both contributed to making it worse. Fine. But this childish "give me it back" attitude about a gift isn't helping anyone and it isn't helping you, because you are still putting all the blame on her.

[Kaira]

i believe that she should give the ring back because it is a symbol of her being yours. and sense shes not yours anymore she should give it back, regardless of if it was a gift or not. its what that gift symbolizes. the same goes for the laptop. though that could symbolize something different, it still (in my opinion) is a symbol of how much you care for her. and sense things are over, she should give it back. but people are really selfish sometimes so i wouldnt get my hopes up anyway.

[Young Val]

well, this was my thread, so i feel no guilt in resurrecting it. particularly because i am in need of it. so, to recap slightly: this thread has been created so that i don't clog up the rest of the board with my broken heart postings. i'll try to put them all in here. please feel free to use this as a place to talk about your breakups, past and present, tell stories sad or funny, talk about how to cope, offer advice, ask for advice, whatever you wish. my only demand (er...request) is that you please be supportive. that is to say, if you can't be supportive, then certainly don't be UNsupportive.

i just thought i'd put up a little reminder before things escalate. i don't think things have gotten out of hand as of yet, but i can see the potential where they might. i really, REALLY derrive enormous amounts of comfort from this thread, and it's really important to me that this particular thread continues to feel like a safe place, not just for me, but for anyone going through a break up who wishes to post here.

i know i, at the very least, whether in this thread or in other places and moments in my life, have said things about henry that are less than flattering. some are true, others are said in hurt and anger and are not. break ups are a time of emotions running high. a lot of things are said and done. i'm not excusing my behavior or anyone else's. a broken heart is not a reason to avoid all self-restraint and indulge the nearly-universal urge to "get back" at the one who hurt you. still, if these things have happened, this is a place where people should be able to talk about it.

and being in a break up isn't the only painful place to be. it can be equally painful to witness the break up of a couple. i know my dear friend marianna, who is equally close with henry, has been having a horrible time with our break up. she has to divide her time between us and watch both of us while we're really hurting. it's hard for her to watch him hurt me. it's hard for her to listen to me when i talk about the anger i feel toward him. it's tough all around.

this thread is not necessarily a dialogue. it can be one. but it doesn't have to be. inevitably, sometimes, a sensitive issue will pop up. and that's why i worded my initial post here the way that i did. i'm not asking you to be supportive of things you disagree with. i am asking you to avoid being UNsupportive. meaning that if you are unable to support someone's thoughts or actions here, please allow the incident to pass. i'm not trying to stifle anyone's right to voice their opinions, i am trying to preserve the integrity of this thread.

simply put: i need this thread to get through this time in my life. you may think that statement is melodramatic, but i am quite in earnest. i cannot speak freely about my break up with a lot of my friends, because they are henry's friends as well. and while we are not together, i have no wish to badmouth him to anyone. i have no wish to badmouth him at all, actually. although he has hurt me deeply, and although there are some aspects to his character that are not quite as i had originaly believed them to be, he is still an amazing, good, positive person. and i love him terribly. i need this thread to "squish out de crazy," if you'll allow it. and if this thread deteriorates into ... something unsupportive, it will no longer be safe for me to do that here.

i'm not trying to chastise anyone directly. i've thought about emphasizing this point several times thus far during the run of this thread. please don't take offense.

[daPyr0x]

Thank you Val. On that note, to everyone who thinks I'm an ass....

I don't care.

Yes, the situation was made worse by me. It was done so on purpose. I would be with her again now if I hadn't done so, because I'm weak like that. Hurting her like that saved me from making a big mistake. I begged her for support, she instead decided to abandon me, and ended up in the arms of another guy. That's what I'm pissed about, not what she did in response to my myspace postings or anything else (though the mind games over the past months I could do without...)

The fact of the matter is that this is MY life. It is MY situation that I'm going through, and it is MY $5,000 worth of s*** that we're talking about. And in MY life, I wish to have that back, okay?


More to the spirit of this thread....
I'm still trying to figure out how to date again... I mean, I'm technically dating someone new, but I really don't know what I'm doing. I keep saying the absolute wrong thing. I keep questioning why I'm dating this particular girl when I could do better. I keep wanting for things to go further but not being able to try because I don't know what she wants and she's not one to show it exactly.

I don't know how dating works at all.
I've never done it.
All I can do is try, screw up, and try some more....

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Jebus]

The only reason to let her keep the laptop is to give you a sense of being the bigger person and moving on. If you can live without that, then by all means try and get it back.

[Luet]

A friend gave me a newspaper article about this new book called What Did I Do Wrong? When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship is Over by Liz Pryor. I got the book out of the library and so far it is really comforting to me. It talks about how common it is for female friendships to go awry and that society doesn't really recognize it, have a name for it, allow you to mourn it, etc. People understand the hurt, pain, anguish of a romantic break-up but don't always when it's a best girl friend. Just thought I'd mention it in case anyone else could benefit.

[Yebra]

Yesterday I went to the friend's house where we broke up.

Today I went on the London Eye, which was one of our final dates.

Memories memories...

[Young Val]

[edit]

[VelvetElvis]

That is the saddest thing I have read all night.

You can live with me. I'll give you blankets. I'll let you wear my Nanny Robe. I'll let my dog sleep in the bed with you.

And then you will feel better.

[Yebra]

*Hugs Kel*

I'm verging on understanding what you're going through but..

*Hugs again*

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Dr. Mobius]

*hugs Kelly*

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Luet]

I had a really hard time concentrating during the meeting today. I kept thinking about all the things I wanted to say to her, my former best friend, who betrayed me. Composing an email I'll probably never write but wish I could. Guess it's time for a dear you...

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Luet]

i think of you often, kel. we'll all get through this crap...somehow.

[Young Val]

[edit]

[mr_thebrain]

hate yourself? that's irrational. you've done nothing wrong.

[starlooker]

*hugs hugs hugs*

I once created a pantheon of gods named Coincidence, Fate, Luck, and Divine Justice. They each had specific characteristics and ways of alternately blessing people and screwing with them.

Coincidence and Fate have obviously been drinking together. When they drink together, they get mean. Sometimes they play a drinking game called "Twist the knife in _____'s back just a bit deeper."

Obviously, they drew your name for their drinking game, my dear.

*hugs hugs hugs*

[Young Val]

[edit]

[Paul]

implore you to PM me and tell me all about Coincidence, Fate, Luck, and Divine Justice.

starlooker, this has also perked my interest. how about sharing with the rest of the us?

as for the whole breakup thing, i dont know, ive been burned a couple of times. One thing ive descovered is that its alot easier and less complacated to be single.

Though it was interesting how jealous a couple of my friends got when went out with this cute asian girl last semester... not that it lasted.

I just dont understand girls. Nadia, you had your chance, you knew i liked you... you turned me down (several times), but u get mad when i go out with another girl....