Postby Gravity Defier » Wed Apr 07, 2010 2:35 pm
Equally "worthy" of Bob, I'm putting this here to signify responses are okay, though not necessarily wanted. (Somewhere along the line, Bob went from "no judging" to "no responding"; I'm not sure if I got yelled at as a newbie, if I witnessed others getting yelled at, or what the case was but I can't ever respond or witness responses in the thread without feeling a cross between guilt and horror.)
This past week, I found myself doing what I have a tendency to do -when it started, why it started, I can't recall- when confronted with a Pwebber who is my friend off the board but who no longer posts: I told them they should come back. This little habit of mine has come to be known as "harassing," though let me be clear, if I feel like they genuinely don't want to hear it, I back off.
In this particular case, the person told me no and then explained why. I won't go into the particulars-if they want everyone to know, they'll explain- other than to say it had a little to do with how they came to believe they were perceived by others. What I was told specifically made me sad on their behalf.
I mention this because, after all this time, I still question how I come across to people on the board and in person. Perhaps the most annoying part to those who deal with me off the board is their realizing I can be told over and over, with sincerity, but I won't believe it. (I am not looking to hear anything here; if anything, I am made more uncomfortable by certain types of attention.)
All of that came up, in my mind, because of a book I am reading, movies I've recently watched, and a moment or two of reflection on conversations I've had/witnessed in Pweb chat and privately this past week.
The book? A YA selection that I noticed when I was discharging returned books yesterday. For those of you in the know, it's a Cabot-esque book, only not by Cabot. In other words, it's pure fluff - it's fun, I'm enjoying myself, but it's fluff.
The movies? Yesterday, it was Did You Hear About the Morgans? Previous movies include everything I mentioned in the list thread, most of which was also fluff.
The conversations, I sort of don't want to mention specifics but I will say, while they weren't heavily academic, they were deeper than any conversations I wanted to be having. The conversations actually resulted in me feeling guilt over my indifference, even as I made no effort to respond with anything significant. Instead, I focused on the Discovery Channel's The Science of Sex Appeal.
It made me look at topics that are likely to draw my attention: body image, weight, beauty/sex appeal, gender relations, media portrayal of women, relationships (both intra- and inter-gender), etc. Yes, I am indeed interested in sociology, pop-psychology, other-ologies that fit. Truthfully, it has quite a bit to do with my own weaknesses where these issues are concerned and my desire to understand where I fit into the sliding scales of them all.
All of these interests of mine seem self-centered, shallow, lowly, unintelligent or at the very least, incapable of meeting some bar placed before me by who knows (likely myself) to measure my worth among the more naturally intellectual. To put it simply, I am concerned I come across as a ditz or an idiot. I am ashamed, quite often, of the things I enjoy.
Why is that? Who am I trying so desperately to impress? Or, as I told this friend of mine, the one who won't come back as of yet, "Who cares what everyone thinks?"
*sigh* Me. But I shouldn't.
Meanwhile, politics, religion, history, science, philosophy, etc. come up as topics and I am interested to a point and in some cases, have very strong opinions. But largely, they don't tickle my brain and yet, I'm surrounded by people can't say the same.
Part two of this post, this time in Bob, will be posted when I get home. I'm off to read my fluff.
Se paciente y duro; algún día este dolor te será útil.