Premarital Sex and/or Promiscuity - What's your take on it?

[Gravity Defier]

Shake your head or sigh all you want, this thread was inspired by Sex and the City. (I've been watching episodes here and there, waiting for the movie to come out.)

What are your feelings and opinions on premarital sex? Is it okay? A terrible sin? Neither here nor there?

What about promiscuity? How would you define what makes somesone promiscuous? Is it multiple partners over a short period time? Multiple at the same time? Is it someone who doesn't necessarily have a lot of partners but rather casual sex with one or two partners? Are you likely to negatively judge someone if you consider them to be promiscuous?

These are just things I think about in the back of my mind while watching the show and was curious as to what others had to say on the matter.

[locke]

haven't seen much sex and the city, just what I saw in various classes in college. Basically I think premarital sex (or marital sex) is okay between consenting adults that is, perhaps not the best idea for 15 year olds and younger, or even anyone in high school from some perspectives. As for promiscuity, that's a tougher question. I think it's more of an attitude towards sex and sexual partners than it is anything specific. If I judge someone negatively due to a perception of promiscuity, it's probably due to a jealousy reaction or a disgust reaction, but I would normally not try to judge such a person negatively. I've never really understood the intersocial politics behind hooking up, casual sex etc, so I've not really had the experience of it so I can't really have an especially informed opinion.

[daPyr0x]

I respect people, men and women, who wait to have sex. Whether it's waiting until marriage, or some other milestone, isn't really relevant. I just respect that people will deny their urges based on whatever ideals they hold themselves to.

Personally, I don't have a problem with premarital sex. I can see legitimate reasons to wait, whether their religious, safety (never can be too sure...), or just personal beliefs; I just don't neccesarily subscribe to them. Sexual promiscuity, to me, means someone who is willing to "put out" early into a relationship on a regular basis. What I would define as early would be before an emotional connection has been developed. I specify a regular basis purely because I realize that in today's day and age, many people have a day when they wake up "oh s***, what did I do last night...?" and I wouldn't neccesarily call them promiscuous based on a highly irregular occurance.

Yes, I will negatively judge potential partners who are promiscuous. It may be wrong of me to do so, but I value sex for it's emotional content as much as it's physical content, and someone who is promiscuous obviously doesn't, making that connection more difficult to form. At the same time, though, I don't judge people I don't look at as a potential partner for being promiscuous to an extent. My definition is rather conservative and I recognize that and I don't let that make me look down on other people for how they choose to live their lives.

[Young Val]

I don't think there's any answer that would work for everyone across the board.

The only thing I'll rip into my friends for as far as their choices about sex is if they have unprotected sex. (FYI the "morning-after" pill and/or abortions ARE NOT birth control. I'm pro-choice and all that, but those options exist for extenuating circumstances. "I don't like the way condoms feel." "Birth Control pills make me gain weight." "We just got caught up in the moment." None of those flimsy excuses or others like them count as extenuating circumstances. Period. Be responsible).

That's the extent of what I think about other consenting adults having sex.

As for myself, casual sex isn't an option. I'm not a casual person. I'm just not. I've never had, nor would I have, a one night stand. I've never slept with someone I wasn't in a committed relationship with and beyond that didn't love/care for very deeply. Many a high school and college boyfriend dumped me when I wouldn't unlock my knees.

I waited longer than the average girl from the Boston suburbs (most girls I know had had sex by the age of 16. The stragglers had caught up by 19. I, on the other hand, was over the legal drinking age). I definitely don't regret waiting until I was 100% ready, I don't regret any of the people I chose not to have sex with, and I don't regret either of the two people I did choose to have sex with.

To me, promiscuity means having a reckless attitude about sex. I know many people who have had multiple partners--some casual, some committed--and yet I don't consider them promiscuous because they don't approach sex in a reckless way. In my mind, promiscuous people do not give thought to or care about the emotional and physical consequences of their actions. They show little respect for themselves or their partners by not taking the proper precautions (again, mentally/emotionally as well as physically. I completely believe that it's possible to have a totally healthy, responsible one-night stand in which everyone comes away happy. I just don't think that's what usually happens). To me, promiscuity is almost entirely about a person's attitude toward sex--not in a number, but in the way the view themselves, their partners, and the act itself.

[starlooker]

Honestly, I really do not have an opinion about what's right or wrong across the board. As a colleague of mine puts it, "'Normal' is a setting on my washing machine.'" I really am not liable to judge, assuming the act is between two consenting adults.

Whether something is healthy or unhealthy is really dependent upon the person in question, their background, values, etc. And people who do things that are sexually unhealthy for them, personally, generally have their reasons. Some people are not interested in those. But I am. Can't help it. Judging and making up shoulds and should nots strikes me as profoundly boring, if you're doing it for another person instead of yourself.

[Wil]

I think sex should be... more important and special than some people seem to make it. I don't think it should be "We're on our third date, I should now get sex". I don't think it should be "I'm horny, I need to go get laid tonight". I shake my head at those that have slept around before they've graduated high school because of reasons ranging from you probably weren't ready to you probably did it because everyone else was doing it.

I believe it should be, as some above have said, a bit more important than that. I think you should care for the person, but not necessarily love them. Love is too confusing a word to use here. I think your intentions going in to it shouldn't be primarily lustful, but at least in some part because you want to do it with that person, to feel good with that person, and to make that person feel special with you.

I really, really respect people that wish to wait.

As for promiscuity, I think there are different levels of it. I've used it to describe how a person talks; if they're easily able and willing to talk about things of a sexual nature often. I've used it to describe how a person acts; anything from flirting often with many people to being the type to be... extremely willing to show off their body.

In my mind, promiscuous people do not give thought to or care about the emotional and physical consequences of their actions.

I like that. Good wording. I agree. I'm going to use that now.

[daPyr0x]

Damnit, Val. Why do you have to be so much better at expressing your thoughts than I am? That's pretty much what I was trying to get at; but clearly you're far more eloquent than I

[lyons24000]

I'm going to try to do something very difficult for me: Not use the Bible in my answer! For those of you who know me-how shocking! Right?

I think that sex is something that should be waited for until marriage. Why? Is this reason because of religious beliefs? Absolutely not. Even when I was an agnostic I believed this.

To me, sex is something special. I'm not saying that people who have sex before marriage do not consider it special (take Val for example) but in my opinion, most relationships are very...um, fleeting.

Many people have sex because they love each other, because they "love" each other (note the quotations), because they are attracted to each other, or because they are horny. The relationships where the two people love each other (true love) are most likely going to culminate in marriage if there are no uncontrollable circumstances (death, etc.) Why can you not wait until marriage? Is it because one day you may be separated by long distances? If it is love it will last. I know that for a fact. I have seen it happen. If it is "love" it will fade.

That brings me to my next point. If you "love" somebody your relationship may not last and you have given your virginity to someone who will not love you for the rest of your life. You can never wait for the person who is truly special, who truly loves you with their entire life. In my opinion, you have wasted something truly special. That is very sad.

What about those relationships where the two do love each other (true love), they have sex, and then are married? Well, your wedding day is the most special day of your life. When you finally have sex with that someone that you plan to spend the rest of your life with on that night it makes something special become extra special. You feel emotional pleasure, satisfaction, and happiness and physical pleasure and satisfaction different from anything in your life, different then anything you have ever felt. Those things won't be to the degree that they could have been had you waited.

Attraction and sexual arousal? You can probably ascertain what I am going to say based on what I have already written.

That is my two cents. But I have something to add for kickers (if you know how religious I am):

Galatians 5:19-21: "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, and they are fornication, uncleanness, loose conduct, idolatry, practice of spiritism, enmities, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, contentions, divisions, sects, envies, drunken bouts, revelries, and things like these. As to these things I am forewarning you, the same way as I did forewarn you, that those who practice such things will not inherit God’s kingdom."

(I am not trying to offend anyone by using Bible verses. Just having fun and being myself.)

[zeroguy]

To me, sex is something special. I'm not saying that people who have sex before marriage do not consider it special (take Val for example) but in my opinion, most relationships are very...um, fleeting.

So are many marriages. Playing a bit of devil's advocate here... I wouldn't try debating that sex is something special, but what's so special about marriage? To the common person, it hardly seems like a lifelong unbreakable bond these days. I recall someone in a lifelong relationship with a woman, with several kids, a house, etc. But they have no intention of ever marrying. And why should they? (Aside from legal benefits)

[Dr. Mobius]

Ditto what Kelly said.

[Jayelle]

There's a big part of me that really doesn't want to post in this thread, but I feel like I might have to in order to defend my position. I'm going state my opinion/beliefs strongly here, and I know they can be argued with and I argue with them myself sometimes. But, I believe in absolute truth, so I'm not going to skirt the issue with grey areas, even though they exist.
Here I go:

I don't agree with premarital sex. I think it causes alot of problems. I'm against it because, point blank, I think it's adultery. I don't have sex with other people now that I'm married, and having sex with other people before I was married, even when I didn't know my husband, I consider cheating- sex outside of marriage is sex outside of marriage.

Sex is not just a bodily act. It's not like going to the bathroom and brushing your hair. It's deeper, it's an emotional connection, a spiritual connection.
It's also full of consequences. Sex was designed not just for pleasure, but also for procreation. I'm not against birth control by any means, but to deny that sex and children are connected is just ridiculous. I believe that if you aren't ready for the consequences of having sex to be a child, then you shouldn't be having it. Because no birth control is 100%.

Waiting for marriage is difficult - waiting for anything is. But we are not slaves to our impulses.

And zero: Maybe part of the reason that marriage is no longer an "unbreakable bond" is connected to the raise in premarital sex.

[Slim]

I believe that sexual relations should only exist between a man and woman lawfully wedded as husband and wife. I believe premarital sex and adultery to be wrong and sinful.

I don't judge people though. I didn't really think about whither I judge people or not until someone told me (after telling me her problems) "You know what I like about you? You never judge." We all make mistakes. But we can change.

What I can't understand -- I heard once that some religious people will go get married only so that they could have sex without sinning, and then get divorced the next day. It's like, "uhm... Do you really think that is okay?"

I'm single but I'm having a hunch that there is more to marriage than just the sex. (I said that to my boss and he said, "yeah, there's also the arguing." lol ) Seriously though, I don't know if people understand that...

And then what others have said: Responsibility. Commitment.

[zeroguy]

And zero: Maybe part of the reason that marriage is no longer an "unbreakable bond" is connected to the raise in premarital sex.

Aye, but there's still the original question, which I am still a little confused about. What is it about the marriage that you find makes sex okay? Is it marriage as some kind of contract between the couple and society, something between the couple and some religious authority, between the couple and the government....? Or between the couple themselves...? In which case, I'm not sure why it must be acknowledged publically, if it's purpose is just internal to the couple.

[wigginboy]

In the end, its really just a question of personal morals and values. Personally, I feel that premarital sex is not a phrase in my vocabulary. I do not feel marriage is necessary at all in this world. Why do you need a piece of paper and a set of guidelines to tell you you're married. A marriage is the union of two people by their sole affirmation to each other of their intentions to be with the other for life. To support each other no matter what. Is it really that hard to imagine a person doing that without making it official to everyone else? I don't believe that it has to be blessed by a religious official or amde legal by the government. It is the institutionalization of love. I know love is a strong word with many facets, but you have to know you love someone to really want to marry anyway. And if you really love someone--real love, not the fake "I wanna have sex all the time," superficial love--then you'll do other things that focus outward and not just on the relationship. The more two people focus on their relationship itself, the more they feel they are doing something wrong. Or that the other person is doing something wrong. They become uneasy and things don't work out. What I am saying is, if you don't get attached right away, it will be easier to break up. Sex forms an attachment with the other person. If you have sex too young you may not know if you want to be with that person forever. My advice is don't do it till your 18 and out on your own.

On to promiscuity. There is something about teenage males and their incredible urge to hump anything with legs and breasts. In this era television, movies, the internet and music spit out more sexual innuendos than any other media form in any other part of history. Kids are learning very early on 'how it works'. It intrigues them. Young males jsut kind of grow up envisioning their first time. Their whole adolescence is spent scoping out potential partners and showing off for them. So we see a lot more kids starting to have sex at ages like twelve and thirteen. Well, the first time happens and no matter what it was like, the adolescent male wants to do it more. SO either they find a steady girlfriend, or they hump anything with legs and breasts. Not saying all guys are like this, just the majority of males in either of the 3 cities I attended junior and high school in. Now, as for ladies, I don't know for sure, I am not one and can't really explain them.

As for whether I think either are right or wrong, well, premarital sex isn't the right term for it. Its more like 'not ready for' sex. If you're not ready for sex, don;t do it. No one is going to listen to it, but thats what I feel and thats what my child is going to grow up being told. Promiscuity is, for most males, a ranking system: How many, how good, etc.. It is really not a good thing, for many of the reasons stated in other posts on the subject. It is not good because sex really is something special that you should share with one person. And even though it is fun and relaxing and exciting, maybe it shouldn't be done all the time. Maybe it's for special occasions. Not saying once a month or anything but you know, seven times in seven days wears a person out. We're just not meant to have that much sex.

So my verdict: have sex, but make sure you mean it.

[Wil]

On to promiscuity. There is something about teenage males and their incredible urge to hump anything with legs and breasts. In this era television, movies, the internet and music spit out more sexual innuendos than any other media form in any other part of history. Kids are learning very early on 'how it works'. It intrigues them. Young males jsut kind of grow up envisioning their first time. Their whole adolescence is spent scoping out potential partners and showing off for them. So we see a lot more kids starting to have sex at ages like twelve and thirteen. Well, the first time happens and no matter what it was like, the adolescent male wants to do it more. SO either they find a steady girlfriend, or they hump anything with legs and breasts. Not saying all guys are like this, just the majority of males in either of the 3 cities I attended junior and high school in. Now, as for ladies, I don't know for sure, I am not one and can't really explain them. .

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the ladies are getting just as bad. Perhaps not a "hump anything with a penis" limb, but simply a "getting sluttier" limb. It seems to me that it is much more common place to find the younger teenage girls willing to experiment, show off their body, and do just about anything with just about anyone now days. It's sickening.

If you're not ready for sex, don;t do it. No one is going to listen to it, but thats what I feel and thats what my child is going to grow up being told.

I really wish it was that simple. Even if a girl (or a guy) is dead set on waiting, and couldn't ever dream of having sex today, all it takes is one lusty moment for it to be a passing thought. All it takes is just to be in a room all alone and you decide that you want to "mess around" and things quickly and easily progress from there. Not to mention the guys that will say anything to get a girl to bed.

[Virlomi]

I've gone back and forth on whether or not to chime in on this, because I feel like I'm probably just going to be rehashing what's already been said, but I think it's worth adding my thoughts on, I guess.

For my life personally, I think the decision to have sex or not before marriage has to stem from a bigger picture set of beliefs you're choosing to live your life by. The worldview I choose to believe is true defines the structure I'm going to follow for just about every area of my life, albeit imperfectly. It defines the way I tend to think about a lot of situations, the way I make decisions, hopefully it defines the way I speak and the things I do and don't do... although I'm the first to admit I screw up a heck of a lot in that department. That set of beliefs also extends to sex.

I've made a commitment to wait until marriage. Mainly because I know myself. I know that I don't just become easily emotionally attached to things and people... I impart bits of myself into a relationship. I know that adding sex into that equation at this stage of life when everything is so up in the air... who you are and who the other person is and who you are together is so constantly changing and evolving, would just be really dangerous to my heart. It's also because for me personally, abortion just isn't an option, and I just don't think I can handle the fear of adding another life to mine while I'm still defining what my own life is going to look like.

So that's the decision I came to. It wasn't just some sort of automatic religious impulse... it took a heck of a lot of thought to come to, and it's a huge struggle to follow through on a lot of the time. It's never natural to deny a part of yourself, especially when you feel pretty alone in it. I am the only person I know at my university who has made that decision, and sex is such an assumed thing that people don't even bother asking. For the most part I don't really feel the need to talk about it unless I'm directly asked or it becomes relevant to the situation. It's an intensely personal thing, and while I don't mind talking about it openly, I don't feel the need to shove it down people's throats.

I guess my point is that I think the decision on whether or not to have sex before marriage comes out of a lot of other decisions about who you are, and what you're life is going to look like. I believe there is a right and a wrong here, but that is because I've subscribed to a worldview that defines that. I'm not going to hold someone else to a standard that they haven't chosen for themselves. It's an incredibly personal thing, and I can respect anyone who has given real, legitimate thought to it and come up with an answer they think fits them. What I can't respect is someone who just didn't bother to think about it and went with whatever felt easiest at the time. Especially when that decision ends in pregnancy.

So... I guess that's my two cents. Without biblical references.

[VelvetElvis]

I'm going to put away my Sunday School teacher voice for just a moment...

Even before I became a Christian, I decided to wait for marriage. I believe that sex is meant to be shared between a man and woman that have chosen to spend their life together. If one argues that married people could just as easily get a divorce as a “committed couple” could break up, I say that he is wrong. When two people get married, it lasts until death, after all that’s part of the vows. A marriage any shorter makes you a liar.

If I were to have sex with my boyfriend, even though I don’t intend to break up with him, and we broke up, and then met Prince Charming and married, what sort of gift would I have to give to him? “Er, sorry, babe, I didn’t know you were coming so I opened up your present. I tried to tape the paper back on. Love you!” Once you give your virginity to someone, you can’t take it back. By giving yourself to more than one person, you make it seem less important, less special. And if the boyfriend from before and I did get married, why didn’t we wait? If we were going to spend the rest of our lives together anyway, why couldn’t we have waited for marriage? If it is true love, then nothing is going to be harmed by waiting until we are married. Also, I can wear white guilt-free.

[VelvetElvis]

Now for my answer as a Christian...

It’s very simple why I am against premarital sex. God said so. It specifically states in the Bible that sex is intended for a man and woman joined together by God. To say that you don’t need marriage for sex leads to a very slippery road. If you don’t need marriage for sex, then you must not need love for sex. If you don’t need love for sex, then you can have sex with whoever catches your fancy. If you can have sex with anyone, surely that means any human, or maybe even selected other species. That, dear friends, is the sort of thing that spelled big trouble for Sodom and Gomorrah.

[Eaquae Legit]

I'm Catholic. How you take that will depend on how well you actually know me.

I had a very thought-provoking book recommended to me recently, called "A Return to Modesty." I'm only part way through, but like I said: thought-provoking.

[zeroguy]

If you don’t need marriage for sex, then you must not need love for sex.

Not following you. "Slippery slope" arguments tend to start with smaller changes building up to a big one, I thought; but here it seems like you're starting off with a rather big jump.

[anonshadow]

With zero. I don't think one magically starts being in love the moment one is married.

I don't understand random one night stands, or drunken sexual encounters, or friends-with-benefits relationships. I just don't. At the same time, I don't feel like I need to be dating someone for months or years to have sex with them, as long as there's a commitment and as long as I care about them. My current boyfriend and I didn't really wait, and I'm okay with that; I don't feel like it cheapens my relationship with him, and I don't feel like it detracts from my closeness with him or our ability to connect on levels that aren't sexual.

As far as God goes... I don't believe that the God I believe in cares whether I have sex with someone I genuinely care about, and I believe that if he would prefer me to wait, the fact that I truly believe that he doesn't care will mean that he doesn't penalize me. I believe in a God who cares about intent, and I believe in a God for whom the message will get through, even if the format isn't perfect. So, I'm not going to lose my mind worrying about whether God cares about my premarital sex, because I have to trust that the message will get through.

[Dr. Mobius]

Can't stop the signal.




Sorry. I've been watching Firefly all day.